of endings and beginnings

The year is over and what a year it was! I will always be grateful for 2006. I cried, hurt ,discovered, healed, let go, laughed, danced more than any other year. It is always great when you can track progress, financially or otherwise but this time around it was emotional growth. This year, I brought my past, present and intended future together. I reevaluated my Christian beliefs, my goals, my core values as simple as why do I believe what I believe/ do and what direction did I want my life to take? 3 years of marriage had torn me down and left me just barely making it. I had let someone run me emotionally to the ground. I was embarrassed, shocked and hurt that someone I loved turned out to be my worst nightmare. I was saddened by my naiveté and inability to see when my nurturing characteristics were used against me. Sometimes it felt like I was a target, that every bad thing was coming my way. But they were right, whoever said that “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”. This year I learned to let go: of situations I cannot change, of past hurts and pains, of people that were not positive in my life, of stress. I learnt to set boundaries and enforce them, that a free NO leads to a free yes. It may not make everyone happy but it eliminates a lot of stress and resentment. I learnt that I am stronger than I thought I was. I have learnt that life happens and that there is nothing any one of us can do to avoid it and we should never think we have been targeted. It just does and all we can do is deal with it.

I also got my equal share of good this year. I experienced love and more friendships than I could have ever imagined. With all the hurt there is a lot more kindness and people who have been such a lifeline for me this year. I feel bad because not all of them know just how important and loved they are. I need to let them know. I have learnt that I cannot do it all myself and that it is ok to ask for help. I believe in miracles. I believe more in prayer and the presence of God in my life. I have learnt to laugh at myself; it makes forgiving and moving on easier. Most importantly I have learnt to listen and trust myself. 2007 here I come!

post christmas blues

Its 2 days after christmas and I had to be at work. Mental note to myself: next time take the whole week off because its too depressing otherwise. I think it has something to getting used to celebrating christmas Kenyan style. December at home is just the month to chill especially between Christmas and new years. Even though I daydreamed about being at home, I had a great christmas. I called home though and it was raining like crazy all day, which put a damper on the events since the mbuzi choma is usually an outdoor affair...but eventually the meat was roasted. Last Christmas when I was home, it may have rained once or twice in contrast to this Dec. I'm not sure which is better, dealing with the dust or the mud. Nway back to reality.
I was bracing myself because I had an especially difficult client today and of all days I was not in the mood for BS. But alas BS was waiting for me as soon as I got in the door. Some people just have no sense of boundaries for lack of a better word. They feel like they have to open their mouths and share with the rest of the world whatever thoughts are racing in their heads. Why oh why can't people think before they speak, or as they say, if you don't have anything good to say, don't say anything at all. Those people also tend to be the same ones who will complain about everything and everyone. I had to excuse myself at one time to unload all that negativity and remind myself that I can be the bigger person. It was a tiring ordeal that lasted a grueling 5 hours. I'm usually a calm person but today I stopped short of 'talk to the hand attitude'. It's not helping that I have so much work piled up before the new year, I guess I only have 2 days left so let me start scrambling..

this christmas

I have a love hate relationship with the month of December. I look forward to Christmas celebrations and the works. The only problem is that ever since I came to the US I find it hard to get psyched up for the holiday unless I’m going home. Christmas seems to start earlier every year and by earlier I mean, before thanksgiving this year. Aii…that’s too much. By next year we will be celebrating Christmas right after Halloween and by the end of the decade, it will be Christmas everyday! It’s just annoying to be trying to shop in November and stumbling into everything Christmas. There are plenty of good sales at other times in the year, so no thank you, I will not be joining the mad rush. Then there is the issue of half of your friends are at home enjoying the sun while cloudy days are the order of the day here. I’m amazed I haven’t suffered vitamin D deficiency…was that rickets? I guess that is why people take vitamin supplements.... All in all I’m trying to change the attitude, seeing that there may possibly be many more xmases here. On Christmas day it will be friends, laughter and nyama choma, I won’t mourn the sun, I will embrace the snow...ok maybe not but I will have a merry christmas.

the holiday party

For the past month I have heard people describe their fancy holiday parties, so not to be left behind, we had ours today. It was some great pizza and salad! Yeah, so for all those who didn't know, pizza is making a comeback as a fancy meal, don't say I didn't tell you so! But I think my employer got the gist of the holiday season, it's not about how big the bonus is or if there is a bonus at all, it's not about great catering.. it's about relationships and creating warmth in these cold months. So that is what we did at the holiday party, small talk and big talk we exhausted all big CNN stories ...lol. At least they didn't make us do the secret santa. .phew $10 saved. I felt content after that, I mean who wouldn't with a piece of deep dish pizza lodged in your stomach. I always feel like I've swallowed a piece of lead everytime I eat it. So my first new year resolution is that I won't eat deep dish for another year. Have a good one.

at last

my very first post! I have been blogging privately but I wasn't sure if I wanted my mind exposed, I'm still not sure, but here I am. I love writing and contemplating. I come uninhibited, I prefer the less travelled road, shy, honest and real. This year I have gone through some tough stuff, but thank God I feel 10 years wiser. So to my unnamed friend who suggested I do the blog thing, see what you made me do!