Tuesday, October 30, 2007

some niceness..

I met a nice person yesterday, for lack of a better description. I just haven’t ran into a complete stranger who responded like this person did. Scene: the bathroom. My son had bumped into another kid at the birthday party and was bleeding from digging his tooth on his lip. He was in shock because he could see all the blood coming out and he kept spitting saliva and blood. So I was trying to be comforting in the bathroom, ignoring other users and trying to clean up my son’s mouth making sure he did not have a more serious injury. This lady, while washing her hands, noted my predicament and offered to get some ice if I needed it. A minute later she was back with a cup of ice and she had asked the restaurant staff for a waterproof cloth so I could put the ice in it. I was happy that someone had been so thoughtful and it helped ease my son’s pain and bleeding. She actually stood with me for the next 5 or so minutes in the bathroom, getting tissues and waiting for the bleeding to subside. She was so helpful and so good at reassuring my son that he would be ok. After my son was feeling better she introduced herself and happened to be one of the host’s friends. I had seen her earlier but she was sited at a different table, she also asked if we would join them since they now had more space at their table. If you have been to one of these parties, you know they can be pretty hectic, loud and full of hyperactive kids.
What I thought would be just another birthday party for my son to enjoy turned out to be quite the enjoyable evening for all where I met some pretty cool people. The lady at the bathroom; she works with kids, counseling, what a fitting career! Even more, the group I met attends a church that I have been contemplating visiting and now I will.

Thursday, October 18, 2007

my truth

The journey toward our beauty is a magnificent struggle. Achieving an integrity between what we believe and how we live is a challenge worthy of the gift of life. A thousand obstacles stand between our selves and the honoring of our truth. A thousand distractions. A thousand ego-generated delusions. The quality of our life depends on how we confront those obstacles. That is what Joseph Campbell described as the hero's journey -- the journey towards our greater self. That journey takes so much courage. That journey fascinates me. To dive down, find the beauty, nurture it and offer it to the world is magnificent. The more unique what you have to offer is, the more indifferent the world is likely to be for a long, long time. Staying with your beauty, your truth, your integrity is difficult, but out of these things comes meaning, and meaning is all-transcendent.
– Rod MacIver, HERON DANCE Journal
Notes, Issue 19

I'm pondering the thoughts above, because in the past years and at present I have had to examine what I really believe in and balance it with how I really live. I'm disappointed sometimes at how hard it is to find this balance. That I believe strongly in a lot of things that I don't execute or don't execute to the degree that I consider necessary. I really want my actions to match my faith. And why is it so difficult to do what I really want to do? I think Paul in the Bible had the same dilemma. My dilemma is that I'm still weeding out trying to differentiate and redefine my truth, not according to my family or my religious upbringing but coming from a place where I understand who I am, why I do what I do and embracing that with pure clarity to free my movement forward.

Thursday, October 11, 2007

some bs is going on

How can one day start so filled with love and crash with a midday email so reminiscent of hate? Why do both good and bad have to coexist? The hell with balance and all the nature laws. Someone is trying to fuck with me and fuck with my future and I'm pissed!I have tried to be patient, no as a matter of fact I have been very patient. I thought I had already won the battle but in a manner that can just be described as plain malicious, they are always trying to find a way to get to me and if that wasn't enough play it off like they are a friend and (drum roll)...fellow christian!! I have had enough of this BS. I just needed to vent. Thats all. I think I'm going to be ok.

I feel loved

A thousand words could never express
this feeling
this comfort
this assurance

You have changed my world in excess
of my imagination
my expectations
my dreams

I cherish the friendship we possess
that nurtures
that’s honest
that’s real

So I’m writing to confess
my love
my happiness
my contentment

when I’m with you and even
when you’re not near

I feel absolutely loved

Monday, September 17, 2007

Smell the roses

While I have been on hiatus from the blog, I have taken it upon myself to enjoy my surroundings. I don’t think I can say enough of how gorgeous the windy city is in the summer time. I have lived in the Chi for almost 4 years and just this summer I was taken by how beautiful the lakefront is, how much there is to do, I have attended countless amazing performances most of them free. Talk about not taking time to smell the roses, where have I been for 3 years? Just thinking about it makes me shiver, that a person can exist yet not be present. Wow. All of this was here before, yet I feel like I’m experiencing it for the first time. I was so preoccupied with the craziness of my life that it clouded my vision in more ways than one.

Please take the time to smell the roses today. Leave the crazy in your life to be just that and celebrate the beauty in your life.

Thursday, September 13, 2007

I'm back

I could try and put in words what I’m feeling right now, but I doubt any would work. My mom always said that a change is as good as a rest. She was right. Even though I took a mini vacation after quitting my previous position, nothing compares to the satisfaction I get from being at my current one.
Don’t get me wrong, it’s busy, very busy. I just swallow my lunch most days. There is always stuff to do, meetings to go to, fires to put out. I feel important here, like I’m given the opportunity to use my brain, figure stuff out. It’s been scary but it’s also pushed me to the next level, where I doubted my abilities, I’ve been able to prove myself wrong and just as importantly, I am improving on areas where I suck. I’m glad my boss feels like they can rely on me. In the past just 3 weeks I’ve conducted meetings, updated clients on projects, done presentations for clients, I was given the liberty to design a newsletter.. I am loving this! All my fears about it being rigid and the commute and new co-workers and..all past tense. It’s amazing how we can push ourselves in a corner. I’m glad I didn’t stay there.
Ok, so it’s just not my job that is making me happy. I feel like my life finally took off from a year of fear and unknown to greatness. A lot of good things have happened this summer. I sometimes have to pinch myself just to make sure that I’m not dreaming. My family was struggling to finish up a project and they finally did. My lil man is so grown up, he cracks me up everyday. I’m surrounded by such loving people. The weather has been great. Can you say bbqs ! Just going to the lake and looking at the water gives me so much to be thankful for. And… drum roll…I have met an exceptional and phenomenal man. Yes, he is all that. I feel very blessed. I don’t feel rushed. I don’t feel the pressure. I am very sure of myself. I am myself. I feel loved. What more could I ask for? This is a true testament as to how God works, and for all who are struggling that things do turn around. Like Yolanda Adams would say, “If he did it for me, he can do it for you”.

Wednesday, August 1, 2007

Time to change

These past few weeks have been really hectic. I interviewed for two jobs, I made time for many friendships,I fell in love with being a mom all over again, I started playing soccer again, I realized I liked someone a lot and I don't know what to do with it, I got the job I wanted, I resigned at my old job and now with one and half weeks to go I have piles and piles of work waiting to go.

I'm feeling ecstatic, scared and a tad confused.

I thought I liked change but this is throwing me in some form of panic. I have to change my commute, my work environment, give up my office space, probably wake up earlier...arrgghh. I know the change is good but I guess I'm starting to second guess myself which I know is unwarranted. It's funny because I clicked on some of my favourite bloggers' pages and both talked about coming out of the comfort zone and pushing to achieve. I was like wow, God has a cool way of delivering the message. I guess he knows I read these blogs so he sneaked that message in and it made me feel better.

I know this is such a great opportunity, challenging and compensation is way better. I know I have been ready for change for a long time. I will be sad to leave my work family (literally) but I'm sooo excited to be somewhere different. I definitely feel the blessing. I'm happy for both my baby and I because it's a new phase in our lives. I'm happy that I'm leaving my comfort zone and I know without a doubt that I will excel not only at my new work place but in my life overall. I can feel God blowing my mind with what he is capable of.

I have been listening to Yolanda Adams, Mountain High, Valley Low. That album has taken me through everything. In the midst of it all, he kept me. I have nothing but praise for him who's able to do it all.

Monday, July 9, 2007

The names you call

Is it possible that it blows my mind
Every time you disrespect
And names to call somehow find
Despite the disconnect

It makes no difference if I am kind
Or if I am correct
You spew bile and feel so inclined
My emotions to affect

To your insults, I am no longer blind
How dare your insecurities project
By names you call, I will not be defined
My integrity will protect

Make no mistake you will not keep me behind
I sit and reflect
On God’s plan refined
It is more than I could expect

Even though our lives are entwined
I know better than you suspect
I am a woman greatly designed
To a higher calling more perfect

Than in the names you call

Tuesday, July 3, 2007

I do hate drama

They say that hate is the emotion you have when you have some form of attachment to the other person. They say that indifference is simply not caring. Well, I really don’t care for this person and at the same time I feel so much hatred towards them. It is just so hard to move on sometimes when your lives are so intertwined and every now and then, I quiver at the thought of putting up with this for years to come. They just never stop with the bullshit. It’s actually possible for a person to brew madness, hop around it, drink it and attempt to share it. You think every now and then, they get tired but NOOO! I guess if they don’t know they are drinking and spewing poison that is ruining them, they cannot stop. In fact they think they are brewing quite the nice concoction so they attempt to convince you that you are the one who is indeed mad…WHAAT!! I don’t think I ever quite got the real meaning of wolf dressed in sheep’s clothing up until this point. This is not even a wolf, more like a menacing lion that hasn’t been fed in a while trying to act like sheep. It shows but yet they continue to parade around like one who wants to be a friend….even a lover…I shriek at this thought ,I would even tear my clothes and put on some ashes never to be. This is my world some days. The madness that doesn’t have to be yet it is there. Why can’t we all just live in peace, love and TRUTH?

Monday, June 25, 2007

Love at first sight?

When I first saw him, I knew
My stomach flipped and fluttered
My heart pumped ever so fast
Could this be?

When he spoke, I knew
My, oh my the confidence
Of his words ever so sweet
Could this be?

When he took my hand, I knew
That I would never be
Ever so content without him
Could this be?

When he kissed me, I knew
My, oh my the warmth
Of that not so subtle embrace
Could this be?

When I said goodbye, I knew
Of the ache that would come
With every passing thought
Could this be?

When I said goodbye, I knew
To dream is ordinary
But this was not mine
It wouldn’t be.

When I said goodbye, I knew
I would find it again
Just not in this moment
It wasn’t meant to be.

Friday, June 22, 2007

business friend

Have you ever liked someone who was bad for you? You know very well they are not heading in the direction you want, and have no interest in steering you that way but you still like them....and they like you too. I mean, they are a good peeps, great conversation, but it’s one of those people you will never go anywhere with. Even as a friend they are questionable, because even if they are great, they do engage in some sought of questionable behavior by your standards. You start to wonder if you are being judgmental or if you should just accept people as they are and love them from a distance.

They have different ideas about how life works and maybe that is why you like them so much. Different is good, provides stimulating conversation and is quite the eye-opener. You don’t want to give that up but at the same time you don’t want to be associated too closely. Are you building yourself up or holding yourself back by having some sought of relationship with this person? Is there something as friend on a business basis even if there is no business?

Just wondering.

Thursday, June 21, 2007

Think

Just when I think it’s over
Sinking deeper
Screaming louder
No help in sight

Just when I think I cannot make it
Treading in sorrow
Dreading tomorrow
No beam of light

Just when I think I’m forgotten
Amazing love
Streaming from above
I feel your might

Just when I think, I stop to think
Caring father
Loving master
It is all right!

I wrote this a while back but it made me smile today.

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

attitude to inspire

I have come to the point where I can accept that life is just the way it is. Neither a pessimistic or optimistic view, I consider it a healthy balance. The pessimist in me used to see life as innocent people suffer, the evil become rich, the rich become richer, the poor even poorer. I had even scaled down this theory to apply to me; I worked hard and I didn’t get the job, it just seemed that everyone who was doing everything I considered wrong was the only one who was getting ahead. After a few church services, I would be filled with hope eternal only to swing back to poor me when something went terribly wrong. Life happens and that is all there is to it. I realized that the quicker I accepted that fact, the better my life would be. No one is out to get me, I didn’t pick an unlucky number.

I remember someone once told me that if we could all put our troubles in a pile, we would be content in picking our own right back. It’s true, even with my own baggage, I meet people with whom I would never trade places, and then I meet people my age who have accomplished so much more, and I start to pity myself. It’s the cycle and futility of this life. At some point, you are up and then down, some people always seem to be up and others always seem to be down. But those who are up could be just as happy or unhappy as those who are down. Someone asked me yesterday how I was doing. In all honesty, I answered ‘Very well’. My life hasn’t changed too much from what has been causing me chaos in the past few months or years but my attitude has.

Last night I watched a PBS documentary about the lives of two Somali families who lived for years at a refugee camp in Kenya and recently resettled in the US. There are horror stories all around but every now and then I get one that grips me. There was one woman whose husband left her to take care of four kids. She had seen her parents brutally murdered, ran for days, lost her two oldest kids in the scatter, lived in a refugee camp, and the story began as they were getting ready to resettle in America. It is a powerful documentary but the one thing I will never forget is the face of that single mother. Despite her living situation and even her husband abandoning her at the camp, she had the brightest face ever, the most positive energy. She was happy for her kids that were there, she was happy about her first job washing floors, her paycheck meager as it was, her small apartment in Atlanta. She sang when she talked about her husband who abandoned her, saying how tired she was of waiting for him to show up.Of course there was sadness as she spoke of her parent's death, not knowing where her kids were, the pressure of being a single mom but she did not dwell on all of that.If you had just caught a piece of documentary, you would think that this woman had everything she wanted just by the way she smiled and the vibe she gave. At the end of the documentary, she is preparing for her daughter’s wedding and she was not nagging about the cake, the bridesmaids dresses, the number of guests, none of that crap that plagues most of us who have ten times as much. Her ability to overcome her surroundings and not let all the negativity weigh her down was phenomenal. There are people who inspire others just by being. If I could accomplish one thing in this life is to be one such person, that I can live my life so someone else is inspired.

Monday, June 11, 2007

some wow stuff

The past week has been extremely amazing in so many ways. A lot of thoughts I haven’t put down lately.
First I know I’m so blessed to be surrounded by such loving people. I love my own company but I thrive on being around people and just enjoy being. So this past week has been more than magical with people graduating and so lots of get-togethers. There is nothing sweeter to the ears and eyes than a room full of people laughing, eating, kids cooing, just feeling the love all around. I look at my life just over a year ago which was so full of sadness and I know there is a God. Only God could have done this. I was so emotional this weekend. I spoke to my son’s father and it was not a very good 1 minute conversation rather accusatory at best and when I thought about it I kept crying, not because of what he said but because I was in such a better place in my life, that I was experiencing such unconditional love, that I was sharing some great life accomplishments with people who mean a lot to me and his comments to me faded in that light. It didn’t matter what he thought. It doesn’t matter anymore. I had that self-realization and it was so healthy but I couldn’t stop crying because it felt so good. I am living an answered prayer and he cannot take that away from me.
I ran into some old friends too. It’s such a thrill to meet someone you haven’t seen in years. You don’t even know what to say. My high school roommate, Lawd, it’s such a small world! We haven’t changed much in 10 years…ten friggin years!! Wow. It was nice to see them minus the uniform and just how fabulous everyone looks. My ex-bf….now this one was tough. I said I was ok but I was so uncomfortable. Truth is I loved and I mean looved the guy but broke up with him because I didn’t think he was on the same level. Just like that picked up the phone and said my peace. (I was 20 and amateur at this stuff but I imagine a phone break up is bad). I was really heartbroken. So since I found out he was coming, I hadn’t been thinking str8. He didn’t ask about my life, I didn’t volunteer..we did some chitchat and I wanted to break the ice but I didn’t have the guts…he’s gone and I guess that ship has sailed.sigh.. I thought I had worked on the coulda shouldas but I couldn’t sleep thinking what the best reaction shoulda been. In the least I hope I can mend some bridges.
This was my friend’s weekend, didn’t want to make about me, I may have in some way, darn it. Hey, I’m still a work in progress. I guess the best lesson I’ve learnt so far is to forgive myself, learn and move on.

Tuesday, June 5, 2007

I think I chilled out too much

When I look at my handbag, it’s a reflection of how my life is nowadays: disorganized. I move from one thing to the other, I haven’t bothered to tie up any loose ends; don’t deal with stuff like I should. OMG! It’s getting to be overwhelming. Receipts that need to be checked up on, eye make-up for an event a week ago, the bracelet I broke sometime back (I don’t even think I can repair it), my son’s menu at school (this should be hanging on the refrigerator), someone’s number scribbled on a receipt (why didn’t I put this in my phone yet?), my palm that I haven’t updated in two weeks…and the same goes for my car: tons of art projects from preschool, pair of shoes, maybe two, my CD’s are sprawled on the back seat, my work out clothes for the Pilates I’m supposed to be doing with a friend…and even if I wanted to run, I have a pile of dishes waiting at home and a bunch of clothes that I let sit in the drier…grrr.. I hate ironing! With all this it only follows that my office is a mess, there is piles of undone stuff everywhere!

One of the reasons I’m giving myself this pep talk is because I’m hosting friends of friends for the weekend and everything will have to be spotless by this Thursday…somehow..lol. The biggest reason is because I hate messes, they drive me crazy. I thought about waking up early this morning and working on those clothes and the dishes but it stayed at that; just a thought. I’m now beginning to wish I had a dishwasher even though I’m a self-professed love washing dishes type of gal, I really am, I just don’t know what’s been up lately. One positive thing is that at least we haven’t eaten junk food, and I have been diligent in having complete meals. I even cut up the melons. See I love fruit but I don’t like cutting it up. This started way back in my family. We always had fruit but if no one washed and cut it up, it rotted on the counter. At least there was six of us then, now its just us two and my lil man sure can’t cut up any cantaloupe but loves to eat it, so much so I think he at ¾ of the whole fruit last night after dinner…lol

I have to pull my act together and get out of this funk. I haven’t been stressing about a lot of things lately but maybe I’m taking this lax attitude too far. Ok I got some cleaning up to do.

Monday, May 21, 2007

just a loving rant

Even though I enjoy meeting people, having company around me, I realize that I’m afraid to go to the next step to connect with people above the usual meets. In college I think I was just shy and introverted, now I exhibit a great extroverted qualities, I know it’s kinda hard to explain. I hate to admit to myself but I’m truly scared on a subconscious level to invite people into the inner circle. The number one reason being I USED to think I was too messed up so the nice people I met did not want to be involved in my baggage. I always told myself that I needed to work on myself first before I created openness with people I wanted to be friends with.

I have overcome this part with great difficulty that we all have our own hang-ups and people who genuinely connect with you will love you in spite of. In fact I have found out time and again that we are all alike in our messes than we are different. Being a single mom at some point I share my history with some people and in so doing I find out they have probably been through the same or experienced a part of the same craziness.. “..but you are so fabulous how could you have gone through that?” That is exactly what I wanted to I want to say to someone this weekend when she gave me a hug and told me what a strong woman she thought I was. I don’t know why I’m always shocked but I guess I should know by now that fabulous people that I meet have gone through fiya to get that luster.

I haven’t discounted the working on myself part. I’m still very vigorously learning to love myself. This is the most conscious I have been of myself ever. Taking control, making good choices, consciously. Sure I like to go with the flow sometimes, you know not have to think about what I’m doing, where to hang out, with whom and if things turn out horribly wrong not really think about it too much or just as easily get pissed off. This was me sought of in college, just nice person enjoying this life but wait… I think I like the more conscious me better.

I don’t know where this post was going. I’m just happy to know I can be me and people love me. I set the standards by which I receive and give love. I know…the almighty set the ultimate standard but you gotta give people something to work with and how you love yourself reflects in how people deal with you. When you love yourself you are not looking for conditional attachments with other people, you have been set free! You give love sincerely and in the same way and just as important are able to accept it sincerely.



Note: above thoughts heavily influenced by Iyanla Vanzant’s ‘In the meantime’

Thursday, May 10, 2007

still blessed

The paradox of life, just when you think you are sailing smoothly some storm starts to brew out of nowhere, the waves start rising, the sharks start to attack and even the friendly sea creatures turn hostile. Then you start to wonder, was I dreaming or did things just take a turn? Then there is that moment when you decide whether to take this all in stride or to let it overwhelm you. I know the latter intimately. I just start to get upset, curse my bad fortune and cry. I realize that I’m confused and don’t really know what to do. I start to hope that the storm calms down soon or else I won’t be able to handle it. I don’t really know what to do! Should I steer straight on or turn back? Should I call for help? Did I see this coming, if not, why didn’t I? Maybe I did, but I didn’t think it would be such a big deal. Now I’m accepting the reality of this life. I journal to remind myself of how far I’ve come, how much I have learnt, the mistakes I made, the triumphs, the drama that we live in. I’m still blessed.

Yesterday after I wrote my piece on being blessed, I encountered some serious drama. It set me back for a minute and I even thought about it waking up this morning and I wanted to cry. The greatest reason I wasn’t fuming was because my son was there and his dad was causing the drama. It is such a paralyzing place to be. On one hand I would want to cut off all contact with this person, but I know better, I will have to put up with the BS for a good portion of my life and the sooner I learn to deal with it the better. I not only do it for my son, but for myself as well. Because I know you could get drama anywhere anyhow. Someone at work started some type of drama. When I say drama, it means unnecessary craziness that doesn’t even have to exist in the first place. In the midst of all this, I find that I got a ticket for ‘jumping’ a red light! WTH? A whopping $90 and I’m pissed. I’m a good driver and I know this intersection is notorious for the camera action. Since it was about a month ago, my recollection is hazy but I’m still going to contest it. *Sigh*

I’m doing better with my life. It’s frustrating not to have total control over my situation but I’m determined to have a better attitude regardless of what drama comes my way. I guess I will steer straight into the storm, I think I know when to call for help. But now I need to focus on getting to the calm. I’m getting to a point where I know God has my back because for while I doubted. I can feel some divine intervention going on that is beyond me. I’m still blessed.

Wednesday, May 9, 2007

The glass is half-full

I’ve been feeling so blessed and wanting to blog about it for the past week. Not because my life is going superbly well, on the contrary, there is still a ton of madness going in my life, lot of uncertainties. But somehow the divine power has been able to still my soul to see beyond these circumstances and revel in the blessings. I don’t know how, in fact I’ve been holding my breath wondering if this is something temporary. There are a few things I can pinpoint in my life that have really helped me grow to this realization and attitude towards life.

I have been reading Iyanla’s book, “In the Meantime”. I read it in portions because it’s a lil deep and a sista needs the time to ruminate on the content. I have had a few hallelujah moments while reading this book and it has been very practical in my life. “Honoring, respecting and supporting myself by believing I can achieve what I want without compromising my values”, is a theme that Iyanla explores in the beginning chapters and I wouldn’t do it justice paraphrasing it. I’ve tried to explain to couple of my friends, it seems like ‘life and love 101’ but so hard to explain. I just know I got it, my light bulb moment!

I have also spent a considerable amount of time honoring relationships in my life. I thrive in company and really enjoy spending time with friends and family. But when I was going through the rough road, I withdrew partly because I was ashamed of my situation, held pity parties for myself and mostly because I just didn’t feel good enough to establish new relationships or keep up with the old ones. I didn’t feel confident to share who I was and I didn’t even know who I had become. So I just sat at home.

That has changed considerably. My motivation being my lil man; to find a family of friends where he and I could belong and share. It was important for me to see my son thrive in a community of loving relationships. My immediate family is far, so my friends are my family. It has taken a lot to come out of my comfort zone. I wanted my son to see that life goes on. He knows the circle of people we hang around, knows that they love him, that they respect his mom. This past weekend was spent doing just that, hanging out with friends. Really that is all we did. We ate, hang out, laughed, enjoyed each other’s company, and supported our friends who have had great accomplishments. Nae, if you read this, I’m so proud of you. I spoke to my sis and encouraged her before she begins her first teaching intership. She is brilliant and I'm so proud. I’m so proud to know all the people I know in my life. I still don’t put myself out there as much as I would want to trust people and all but I think I will crawl on this no need to start running.

I could rant about all the bad in my life but I won’t, I think its good every now and then to let it be. Anything negative I can change, I am putting effort to do that the best way I know how and then there are those things that I just can’t change. When was I ever this positive on a Wednesday?

Thursday, April 26, 2007

being proactive

I'm on a quest to find new things, new inspiration, go down the list of things I've always wanted to do. Can't keep doing the same ol stuff and complain that life sucks. Something's gotta change. I'm being super proactive! So this week its painting and yoga.

I met Leah, a phenomenal artist and person couple months back. I’m glad I conveyed my interest in art and she volunteered to show me a thing or two. So I took a watercolors painting lesson yesterday. I’ve never been so crazy excited about something like this! My dad is a gifted artist who at the beginning of his career was a graphic designer but as life happened art took a major back seat. We always tried to get him going again but he was too busy making a living so we could have. I feel a bit of the gene, I love drawing and like playing with color. I’ve always been fascinated by landscapes and whenever I’m bored at meetings I make drawings. So I’m exploring the possibilities.

Last night we sat at a table and we each had a landscape for inspiration. There is something magical about putting paint on paper and letting the painting take a life of its own. It was not bad for an amateur. I carried my unfinished painting and my friend is letting me use her professional brushes and quality paper!

I’m excited because this is something I can do with my son. He was the motivation to seek out painting as something that we could do together as we deal with the craziness of this life. I might actually start spending more time at home now.

Proactive move number 2 was that I spoke to a co-worker who takes yoga and she recommended her classes and even offered me a free pass! So on Sato, it's yoga. I took couple classes eons ago and liked it so I'm psyched. I feel good already.

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

I've never liked Mondays

I had a fabulous weekend; I mean the most perfect weather but come Monday morning I was feeling like crap. Honestly I don’t even know how I survived at work. Usually when I feel this horrible I make an attempt to cover it up by dressing up just so I can feel just a little better. Yesterday, I didn’t even bother. So I looked like crap and felt exactly that way. Have you ever just felt like you were backsliding so to speak; you were taking great leaps in a positive direction then something happens and you are spiraling back to square one? This was me on Sunday night and all of Monday.

I feel like I have made met significant milestones in terms of personal growth but this whole divorce is taking a major toll on me. I thought were done but more adjustments had to be made and more talk about the past and all the ugliness starts to resurface. I made contact and yelled, got pissed off, mad and angry all at the same time. I’m mad at all the unfairness in this world. I’m even sadder that I’m at the receiving end of it.

Then I started going through all my decisions doubting myself and beating myself up for having ended up here. But I am mostly mad at myself up for listening to someone and letting them make me feel so small and so dumb, not in the past but two days ago!! I should know better! Why did I give them so much power to ruin my sleep and my day? I was so disgusted. I kept bursting out in tears every time I thought about it. I called my mentor who listened to my ranting and even though I was looking for advice, I knew exactly what I needed to do. I opened the door to the madness and I needed to close it.

Sometimes you need to distance yourself and it doesn’t mean you haven’t forgiven. I have to let go of the dream that someone might change. I can only change my reaction. Then I have to be easy on myself. She reminded me that divorce is grieving a loss and I need to relieve myself off the idea that I should be all happy because I moved from an unhappy situation. I still lost something that I had thought very valuable, I lost a dream, some innocence and love I had for this person. It’s Tuesday and I feel a little better already. I haven’t cried, I stopped myself from doing stupid stuff to distract myself like shopping and calling old flames to make myself feel better. It was normal day today. Someone brought cake to work and it made me feel so much better, somehow.

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

TV...too much?

I think I finally ditched my addiction to TV as evidenced by withdrawing from ‘24’ a.k.a the best show on TV. It’s been a whole month since I watched 24 and yesterday was the first Monday that I did not think about Jack Bauer! It’s been good while it lasted giving my heart and nervous system a weekly workout with all that adrenaline.

I dumped cable in an effort to curb my TV watching so with cable went The Shield, Nip Tuck, The entire food network (oh dear my cooking has never been the same), What not to wear ( I hope my dressing skillz haven’t suffered), all the decorating shows on TLC and of course I gave up CNN, Jon Stewart, all the commentaries on FOX , money markets, ESPN (yes I love sports), discovery channel. Then there was Law and Order and The practice and I almost knew their lines by heart. Since I’m a mom I haven’t even included all the Disney, nickelodeon and cartoon network shows. Now that I’ve put it down on paper, I sure was spending a lotta time on the couch!

But even without cable, there has been plenty to occupy my time and so I’ve phased out these non-productive programs from my schedule: Desperate housewives was the first to go, then Grey’s anatomy has been so so lately. I still love my CSI but I don’t rush home to watch it like I used to. The only show that I’m sad when I miss is Criminal minds, how can I resist Shemar Moore being an FBI agent? I just seem to be drawn to these types of shows. I even violently resisted from being addicted to Shark. Dancing with the stars and American Idol I reserve because my girlfriends and I watch it for entertainment. I won’t reveal that I have peeked at Tyra’s show as well as the next pussy cat doll…now that Lil Kim is a judge on the show…LOL again now that no one has even answered why we need another doll. For some reason I have watched The Bachelor the past two weeks, and I’m still asking myself why. The Amazing Race continues to be the best reality show, but Sunday nights just haven’t been conducive. The King of Queens and Girlfriends are my favorite comedies, I have watched all, and I mean ALL the reruns of these shows.

I still love PBS documentaries and of course every now and then I make time for Oprah. But now that I have Netflix, I can chose the shows I want to watch when I want to watch them. (Sounds like I was doing a pitch for Netflix..lol) Plus I can get movies for my lil man only if I think they are worth it and sometimes I preview them first. So tonite, I hope Sanjaya is voted off or I'm boycotting American Idol. Then after that I will read a book (ideal) but most likely I will be caught up in some cleaning act around the house, oops Oprah is on, then call it a night.

Thursday, April 12, 2007

the pursuit of happiness

Can we really be happy regardless of who we are and where we are in life? Can a man or woman in debt and children to feed, struggling from paycheck to paycheck make a choice to be happy? Can a millionaire say in an honest voice that anyone can be happy if they choose to, I mean money would be a great contributor as to how happy they are right? I don’t really know the answer to these questions.

I know people who are struggling deeply who have a sense of satisfaction and optimism in life. I also know people with probably more in life than they really need but are somehow unhappy. I would think there are more wealthy happy people than there are poor happy people or is this just a myth? I think it depends on the environment and the culture but we cannot rule out that money does bring on some comfort level and reduces stress. I go back and forth on these issues when I think of my grandmother back home who did not have much but a farm and cows. She never really had money but was always generous with her time and whatever resources she had. Her environment did not really value money over health and a good social support. On the other hand, if I think about Kibera, I’m saddened by all those Kenyans who probably don’t have or even want much but I don’t think there are very many happy people in that slum. That is just my opinion.

Dr. Holden who appeared on Oprah’s show and researches happiness made a profound statement that when we have a positive view of life, then we subconsciously look for evidence to make that outlook true. So in essence both optimists and pessimists are true about life because it’s all about the attitude (not the benjamins). When you are positive, you are working towards finding positivity in all areas of your life because you believe it is attainable. So you surround yourself with positive people, take positive steps to resolve issues. A pessimist on the other hand believes that life is not all that good, so when and issue arises, they may take a less positive action toward resolving it.

I know from personal experience there was a time when my life was probably at its harshest yet I felt completely happy and whole and I could not explain it. Now, I think I could be happier with some extra adjustments but taking Dr. Holden’s advice, I need to ditch the ‘destination addiction’; that somehow I will be happier if I got to a particular point in life. The time to be happy is now!

Wednesday, April 4, 2007

this madness

I had a delayed response to the death of the Kenyan woman who was strangled by her husband and I’ve been trying to write about it. I wrote the response in Dorothy’s comment section (see blogs). One of my good friends knew her well and she is struggling to understand the why and how. Why didn’t she say anything and how could he have gone to that extreme?

The poem http://www.angelfire.com/ns/hollysplace/flowers.html was real for me the first time I read it.

As a survivor of domestic abuse, no words can express how I feel. I used to be ashamed of my experience but its amazing how that shaped me as a person and the phenomenal woman I am now and I never hesitate to share my story should anyone need any support or motivation.

Monday, March 26, 2007

letting go

One of the chief obstacles to this perfection of selfless charity, is the selfish anxiety to get the most out of everything, to be a brilliant success in our own eyes and in the eyes of other men. We can only get rid of this anxiety by being content to miss something in almost everything we do.

We cannot master everything, taste everything, understand everything, drain every experience to its last dregs. But if we have the courage to let almost everything else go, we will probably be able to retain the one thing necessary for us -whatever it may be. If we are too eager to have everything, we will almost certainly miss even the one thing we need.

Happiness consists in finding out precisely what the 'one thing necessary' may be, in our lives, and in gladly relinquishing all the rest. For then, by a divine paradox, we find that everything else is given us together with the one thing we needed.

No Man is an Island, Thomas Merton

Thursday, March 22, 2007

conversations that make you go hmm....

I had a rather interesting discussion with a jamaa (non-Kenyan) and his way of thinking is beginning to amuse or so not amuse me. I sense the conservative type from a number of issues. I agree that men and women are different and physically the weaker sex (should I say some) and that some professions are better suited for one and not the other etc..but I asked if he would cook for his woman. He paused. He said he doesn’t entertain the idea of a couple ati dishing out days when they should cook, ati you cook today I cook kesho. He said he would rather take her to a restaurant every time rather than cook. Mind you its not that he can’t, what the heck is up with that?

Ok his refusal to cook for his mama aside, he mentioned that Kenyan men will just do anything for their women, cooking of course being one of them while they are dating and then turn around when they settle and demand payback. But overall he implied that women are trying to domesticate men by having them fill certain roles that are suited for women. I had to check my calendar at this point to remind myself what century we are in. I really didn’t know where to start on this philosophy. First I don’t know why people like to get hung up on such issues. I don’t even think a guy cooking for me is a big issue, I mean if you come home and feel like starting the process, well and good. If you can’t cook, well we can work around that in various ways, but for you to say in my face you won’t cook for me because you are the man…..aiii let me stop there before some not so nice words come out. I had issues with most households in general growing up (mine included) because men just did not enter the kitchen for any reason. But in retrospect, there was little motivation since the house girl was always there. But in the State’s with no housi and I find my the man sitting on the couch reading a newspaper waiting for me to cook…I will scream!

This discussion was never officially closed but I sense I will not be engaging in the sequel unless I find out this man was playing devil’s advocate or I get insanely curious to hear the rest of his intransigent ideas.

Monday, March 19, 2007

the evening part II

So after the jazz experience, I was hungry and being 10 p.m. I didn’t have too many options. As I was contemplating my next move, my good friend whose b-day was the day before called and suggested we try a new place in town. Now if you know me, I’m like the energizer bunny so no need for a lot of nudging despite the fact that I had to be at work the next day. So I indulged in a Mcd’s quarter pounder and headed for the new spot. We got some wine, there were a few people in there but the music was hot. Now I’ve discovered that in this city it’s very hard to find a mixed crowd, it’s either all jungus or all miro’s regardless of the music hence the quest for a new venue.

We got close to the dance floor where people were already getting jiggy with it. Just before I could join in the merry a gentleman approached us, the usual introductions, nothing corny. Apparently he was in town for a short meeting but lives in London so he asked if we wanted to join him and his friends at a table. We had some more drinks, talked, and danced, had my palm read by him…..he claimed a few things that were shockingly true. I’m not sure if I believe in any of that, I think its calculated guesses. We had such a good time and all the guys were refreshingly mature gentlemen. I got a good vibe from this guy who was Indian/Italian and we exchanged info, maybe a London visit in the works…lol. It was hard to say goodbye to a good time.

It was now approaching 1 a.m when we went to the coat check. This guy happened to be checking his coat in asked why we were leaving. He had a thick French accent and he seriously begged us (in a nice way) to stay for just a bit of the time. He was in town with three of his friends from Denver blah blah blah. By now we were thinking oh Lawd lets just meet his friends then quickly disappear. Wacha we saw his friends, we forgot all about our plans to leave. These men were seriously hot! There was the Swiss, the Italian, the Greek and our persuasive French man. We were so intrigued, they all had the different accents, well dressed, impeccable manners and need I say we danced some more. Apparently the Swiss guy said part of his family was from Egypt hence the hint of color but who cared he was hot as it was and the words were hotter as they came out of his mouth. After drooling over these men for over an hour and them treating us like the African queens we are, we HAD to call it a night.

I’ve never had so much fun in one very unplanned night. In retrospect we think our hot European men may have been gay…lol.. looked too good to be true. That is how my weekend started. Friday was fried chicken with the girls and the best Mac n cheese I’ve ever had. Our final b-day celebration on Sato (yes my friend celebrated her b-day for 3 days), this was very unplanned but we were in the same club as the Roots and Questlove (the drummer) was the guest DJ that night!!!! Let me just say I don’t even have more words to describe Sato except it was everything you hope a night out with all your friends is going to be. Now it means the pocket is seriously hurting and I will have to stay home for a while but it was well worth it. Talk about Monday blues.

Friday, March 16, 2007

the evening part I

I went out last night and had the most fabulous time! I have to write this before it gets all crumpled up in my mind. So the evening started slow. I went to get my hair done, for no special reason except that it needed to be done. This was quite the ordeal, it took me 2 and half hours just to have it washed and set in rollers! I was somewhat in a good mood. I think it helped that I was reading a book and not just any other but Iyanla Vanzant’s “In the meantime” so that helped me forget that I had made an APPOINTMENT. Clearly that word ignored, I left there late for my jazz debut in the city. I had read about this smooth jazz place that opened up recently and was determined to check it out at 7 p.m. Well, the salon experience ended around 8 and I was wondering whether to get a bite to eat or jazz it up. I decided to do the latter so I found parking relatively close to the place.

I have made this resolution that if I want to go someplace that no one else has time for, I will be brave and check it out myself. Now this city is not designed for loners and a place full of people doesn’t usually guarantee a good social time.

I walked through the door, past the curtains that revealed a nice ambiance, well-done space, dim-lighting and people sitting at the bar talking. My immediate reaction was to cut and run. But then that would not be professional so I went to the next best thing, pretended to be on the phone and started looking through my phone to kill my nerves. Just as I was starting to feel very dumb, this gentleman, probably the owner came up to me and asked if I wanted to be sited and if I was alone. Of course I mumbled that my friends could not make it but he was nice and said he would sit me at the end of the bar close to the band.

Turns out there was a guy standing at the end of the bar having a conversation with the lady who was occupying the seat at the end of the bar. I ended up breaking them up since that was the only place for the seat. The guy was all suit and tie and the lady was there with female company and had just been making conversation with the dude. So I guess I had to make convo with this guy, he was good-looking and so perfectly dressed.... I started to feel awkward. This is a place for mostly 30-40 somethings. Mature and everyone obviously dressed up from work or other and here I was in my jeans, my top was a nice formal-cut and I had chandelier earrings that rocked. Thank God for my newly done hair, I hope it distracted from the nervousness. The guy introduced himself and I learned he is well-traveled, well-spoken, has great career. I also introduced myself and thank God the band came up and started playing. We had on and off conversation while the band played and it was great, I got a lot more comfortable, we talked about the cities we’ve been to, about what we like to do in the city, turns out he just moved here not to long ago. He was very humble about his being and that was nice.

To say the jazz was awesome is an understatement. They played Robin Thicke’s “Lost without you” and my heart melted; I knew I was in the right place. Every piece was a good as the one before if not better. He then offered to get me a glass of wine; I declined as it was going on 10 p.m. I reminded myself that I needed to get a bite to eat and was still driving myself home. I excused myself to leave and the gentleman pulled out his card and said he would love to get together again. Where are those darn business cards when you need them? He asked if he could walk me to my car and I informed him I was ok, my car was parked close. By this time my cut and run mode was kicking in again, I said my goodbyes, thanked the owner, got some more info on the band and tried not to run out of there.

What I didn’t know was that the night had just begun on a good note! This post it getting long and believe it or not there is more to this night yet to be put down on paper or screen.

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

I'm just in a good mood

"I love the recklessness of faith-first you jump, then you grow wings." -William Sloane Coffin

I'm a sucker for quotes, I ran into this one today and just loved it.

I have been learning to appreciate what I have in life, taking it easy. So I got the John Mayer CD (yes I haven't bought a CD in ages and I'm proud I didn't look around for someone to burn it for me). There is something great about his style and I can't get enough of "Waiting for the World to change". Yesterday a co-worker gave me the Corrine Bailey Rae CD: nice and mellow, and I finally got Iyanla Vanzant's book "In the Meantime" and just having read the intro, its looking good.

I spent last night looking over the final agreements with lots of legal gibberish. I feel ok. My last court date will be next week and I pray never to see the inside of a courtroom ever again unless I'm the attorney.

My lil man and I had a fabulous weekend and week, the temperatures were cooperating and 4 -year olds never get tired, even when they are tired. It takes a combination of jumping up and down, running, eating, being loud, playing with trucks, eating again and more up and down the walls just to wear the boy off. I see why my parents had four of us, they had their work cut out for them.

Today I get to be just by myself and recover. I'm loving this me time and I'm learning to love my own company. I used to be frazzled everytime I went home to an empty house; I'm so used to company but not today. I will echo the words on Corrinne's CD, I will put my music on, let my hair down and just relax.

Thursday, March 8, 2007

support in finding the truth

Yesterday was the one year anniversary of my being in a support group. Now anytime I heard the words support group prior, I got a mental picture of very disturbed people sitting in a circle echoing the words “My name is…and I am an alcoholic”. The first place I sought support was an online community where I posted anonymously and received feedback that really pushed me to the next level. I didn’t think I was ever going to go face to face with strangers about my issues. About a year ago in deep distress, I sought a place where people would understand what I was going through and where I was coming from. I needed validation that what I was experiencing was not out of this world and that I could overcome it. This ministry (yes it is church-based) has been the most influential and critical part of who I am today. The values expressed here are that no one should experience any type of abuse be it physical, emotional, psychological, verbal, spiritual or financial and if we have, how to overcome and better yet how to equip ourselves so we avoid the same circumstances. For example setting healthy boundaries with the people in your life. The ability to say no and keep from pleasing people. It sounds like life 101 and it really is a class I wish I had taken in college. I always say that I would have benefited greatly if I had such a resource when I was 20. Back then I would have thought that was a joke because I thought I had it all figured out.

It’s about knowing the truth and the truth is what really will set you free. The reason why I sought a Christian support group is because I grew up with Christian values some of which became my entanglement and I really wanted to figure out where I needed to draw the line. For many Christians, instead of church/Christianity/religion empowering you and freeing you, it enslaves us to tradition and practice that are not part of the true message of the Bible. This was my first weak point in that someone used the Bible and because I followed tradition and not the truth, I’m in a place where I am. I am conscious know of how eagerly people will play the Christian card to suit their purposes.

There is something powerful about sitting in a room and knowing that everyone there to some degree has been in the same situation and no amount of knowledge or sympathy can replace the depth of that experience. It’s a place where you can vent without feeling judged and can receive feedback from people who know the struggle. Everyone is at a different stage some struggling, some trying to maintain that balance in life but it’s about bouncing off ideas that work and creating a resource. The empowering aspect is spending time with women who have overcome their fears and insecurities, others who are in the midst of it all and struggling, still others who don’t know about these issues even though they are in the midst of them and are trying to figure it all out. I can see myself in all those women. When I hear someone stuck at the beginning wondering if they are going mad, I can see myself there a year ago. So even though I doubt myself at times, I know I have come far and I can trace the progress.

The group leader has let me know that I’m not the same woman they met; I have grown spiritually and emotionally. I am so empowered that when someone suggested a support group for parents going through a divorce I did not hesitate and this has proven to be a great resource as well.

Outside my support group I have also found support in numerous other places by just aligning my values or experiences with others, sometimes talking about them. Simply by adjusting my radar, being informed, I have met and made connections with phenomenal women and men who I would not have otherwise.

I wish in a way this could be applied to the rest of my life, support group for procrastinators or people who fall in love with their shoes, or people who want quality meals in the shortest time possible…actually I think I have Rachel Ray for that, what about formalizing the support group a lot of us women belong to..the one for women who need a truly loving man but can’t find him usually occurring as a b!tch session with my girlfriends, I have digressed…let me stop before I kill this post.

Truth is I’m glad for all the experiences I have had in my life. I’m grateful for all the women who through their struggle have empowered me and helped me be a better person.

Monday, March 5, 2007

honest with myself

This weekend I stayed home for the most part, something I haven’t done in a long time. I had a really good time with friends on Friday. As I was trying to catch up with a friend, I was relaying all that I had been up to in the past year and I was spilling all my accomplishments if I can call them that. I went home that night and thought about what I was saying about myself and it was sounding contradictory to the direction I thought I was moving in. In fact I feel like I may have been bragging…. about stuff that now seems so not worth it. I really hope not, coz I hate when people brag. Talking about it somehow felt like I had spent a better part of last year being in denial about where I was in life. I also think I may have been overcompensating… unconsciously trying to prove that I still got IT. IT being whether it is at a party getting attention from an XY, being the supermom or being the star worker. I somehow don’t want anyone to see me different and I want to shout: “I’m ok, really, I’m hurting, but I can still take on that project, my child will always be in top shape, I’m a single mom but still savvy…”
Today I’m just acknowledging something that I’ve already been aware of, that I have spent the past year trying to mask a lot of pain. That somehow I still feel inadequate and have been trying to compensate for my feeling lonely, lost and dumb at times. I’m not as unscathed as I want to make it seem and neither I’m I as pristine as I would like to be. Wow, this is a tough pill to swallow!
I want to be the triumphant woman and mother who went through a rough time, learnt from the hard lessons, matured and succeeded beyond measure. That is the direction I want to be moving in. I really need to work on not needing outside approval, because I got it all in me to be all that and more. But I’m encouraged because I feel like I’ve made a dent in the healing process.
So on Saturday as I watched the Oprah special on her school in SA, I cried the whole time. At times I wasn’t sure if I was crying because of the stories or because I could see myself in those girls, trying to overcome crap that happens in life and watching them be so strong and then realize their dreams through the dreams of another, it was such a compelling story. I seriously admire Oprah, I almost want to go to that level and say, yeah to heck with marriage, you can be so much more without it. I already have a child but not stressing about the 3 more I thought I was going to have (lol) But I guess I would still have to keep a man on the side..lol. I still want to know how she works that in her life.
For real though, I’m feeling good because I can be honest with myself about what is going on. I'm not sure why I'm taking personal inventory in March but Like Thomas Jefferson said "Honesty is the first chapter of the book of wisdom." I’m definitely feeling wiser than I was 2 years or 6 months ago, even though my life seems like a yoyo I know I’m getting there.

Friday, March 2, 2007

this Friday rant

TGIF!! Today has been the longest day at work. I don't know how many times I have said today that I just want to go home. I have work that could be done but I'm procrastinating. I wasn't as productive today, can't blame me, I mean its 31 degrees outside and I don't remember the last time I saw the sun or a blue sky. Ok I'm complaining but really my spirits are high. I was out and about the last two weeks when temperatures were so low they should be illegal. I mean if the high for the day is 1 degree farenheight and a wind chill of -20, the only logical thing is people to stay put but nooo, in this part of the country life goes on. They even announced that if you are exposed to the cold for about 30 min, your face will freeze...lol. Now that it is 31, we're feeling pretty warm. Obviously I have been brainwashed!
I'm having dinner with a bunch of friends and so psyched up about that. This guy I met is in town and I really like him, so we will hang out at some point. I need to do my taxes $$$. I should have done my hair, I want to look fabulous but I'm trying to save money so maybe I'll do it myself..argghh. I don't like the blowdryer or the hairdryer for that matter but I want to look superfly. Beauty pains! There was this hot man interviewing to work here, so every girl in the office was raving about him, he didn't have a ring on his finger.+10 but we someone found out he is gay..sigh.. all the points off. I guess is still good looking just not in the market. I'm ranting now so I should just go get my weekend started.

Thursday, February 22, 2007

Life goes on

I got a really uplifting email from a friend. It was the excerpt from Oprah's interview with Maya Angelou about growing older. I liked what she said that "No matter what happens or how bad it seems today, life does go on and it will be better tomorrow.......You shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands; you should be able to throw some things back". How true and inspiring.
I spent time with a good friend of mine last nite. An amazing person, so supportive, down to earth. I really enjoy hanging out with her even though I feel like the bulk of her time is spent listening to my endless drama but she has stuck with me and I will be eternally grateful for her. I think often how I could do something great for her in return and it doesn't ever feel like anything can match up. I guess I don't know why I'm pondering this but just reflecting on the wonderful people in my life and the positive things that make life so much better. Sure I have a closetful of skeletons and every once in a while they come out and make a scare of my life but I'm a grateful person. Sometimes when I go out to parties people assume that my life is so stress free and sometimes when they find out wssup, they gasp to the tune of how come you look ok? First I cannot cry everyday because my life is not the way I would want it to be. Really life goes on and the attitude we carry is what will see us through.
Today I also pondered my non-existent love life and where that will take me. Hmmm...scary thoughts there...will I ever let anyone in or will I be scared to make the same mistake twice? I hope life moves on for me in this department so much so that I can let go of any inhibitions that may lock Mr. Soulmate out. I guess I will cross that bridge when I come to it, right now I'm still way on the other side of the river and enjoying it. It's great to be single again. One other thing that Maya at 70 has learnt is that 'life sometimes gives you a second chance' I think I got mine.

Friday, February 16, 2007

drama again

It was a bad morning today. The final mediation session and I left in pieces. I looked like someone had boxed by eyes because I cried so hard. I cried out of sadness, for my son mostly, for the fact that his parents may never see eye to eye and that there may be nothing I can do to change that. I cried for myself for being put in that position. I cried because this didn’t have to be, I don’t even see where the drama is coming from or out of. I just want the best for my son is that too much to ask?

TGIF and I plan of doing something relaxing, not sure what. I should get the new John Mayer album; it’s just too hot or get a pedicure. I need a good massage that’s what. At least I was able to hold up at work today even though everyone kept asking what was wrong. I cried that’s all but I’m holding up pretty well. I think I cried a lot of stress out which is good. I don’t feel as awful and I’ve learnt to let go of things I cannot change and focus on what I can do. I know we will be ok.

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

Chocolate and Valentine's

Ok, so let’s set this record straight once and for all. I’m not crazy about chocolate…candy that is! Not every female goes gaga over chocolate and I’m certainly not one of them. You will never catch me nibbling on a chocolate bar; that is a blue moon occasion. I do like chocolate cake done right and mostly with vanilla ice cream and most importantly, I do loove me a chocolate man. I have tons of chocolate candy that I have accumulated mostly over Halloween and I have to confess, most of the time I just end up trashing it.
So this Valentine’s day, I’m not putting pressure on myself. In fact I’m so excited that I get to go home chill with a glass of wine, good music and a good book. I don’t have to think about getting expensive gifts or where to dine. Plus there is 2 feet of snow outside and what should be inhabitable temperatures but I guess I’m sadly getting used to that. The man I met is in town and even though I have my own plans, this night could very well take a twist, we’ll see.

Thursday, February 8, 2007

In a zone

I am experiencing an emotion that I cannot even name ..it’s a mixture of anger, fear, sadness, betrayal. I think I’m at that point in life that something has to give. I need to grow because I feel I’m starting to wither. I need to make a drastic change in my life but I don’t know what. I need to do something that makes me happy. I’m tired of compromising, tired of being content, tired of waiting, tired of just barely making it, tired of same shyt different day, tired of being scared, tired of being tired. I feel like my talent, my very self is being wasted, absorbed and drained by my current status. This is a dead end place, I don’t want to be here anymore. It doesn’t make me happy. More and more it’s hard to wake up every morning and do what I do. The hard thing is I can’t seem to figure out if it’s the whole or just the elements. Is it the people I work with, the nature of the work, should I try a different specialty, different company, different angle for the same job, different city, closer to family, more money, more school, more experience or just start something entirely new? How come I cannot figure this out? Why does it have to be so difficult? Sometimes I feel I can make that leap of faith but I’m scared shitless. I don’t have the luxury to play around, with a child to care for and hypocritical father who would not give a rat’s ass if I succeeded or not. As a matter of fact he would throw it in my face and use it against me. So I feel stuck but I know one of these days something’s gotta give.

Tuesday, February 6, 2007

Age defying

I managed to watch Oprah yesterday. This is a typical Oprah topic which I did not care much for but for being cable free and not sleepy, I indulged myself. She had some amazing stories about women who look 10-30 years their age. This one 70 yr-old could pass for half her age! The common theme in these 3 women’s life is they took a chance to develop what they really wanted to do. Surprisingly all of them were single, one having been divorced, a single mom and a never-married one. I think being single allows you to be yourself without anyone putting boundaries on what you feel happiest doing. There are very few instances where anyone in a relationship can go forth freely without compromising even in the least bit. That really struck home for me and gave me that extra push I needed yesterday. I felt like I was on the right track to a beautiful life. So lessons learnt from Oprah:

1. Identify what you want in life, what makes you happy
2. Make the necessary steps to get there e.g. shed the baggage like bad relationships, job you don’t like.
3. Find something routine that gives your body and mind resonance e.g. meditation, exercise.
4. Mind what you eat but do not deny yourself. Everything in moderation.
5. Give back to the community, people around you; the blessing will be on you.

Tuesday, January 30, 2007

the Christian label...

I just came from mediation..child custody that is. I try not to blog about this whole mess but journal it instead but something came up that almost made me loose my cool. The man can put on a show, I have to give it to him, oh how I wish that this divorce was amicable because I’m sooo tired of dealing with this crap! Anyway back on track….
Everyone needs to learn the benefit of letting go. So somewhere in the middle of a conversation he managed to throw the line that it’s ironic we’re getting divorced since we are both Christians…WTF!!! There is a few ways I could dissect that line but WTF is a fitting description. See, this is one of the biggest reasons why Christianity is screwed up, because people think they can hide behind labels and get away with anything. I used to be one of them, somewhat. I was into anyone who said they were Christian. I thought that meant that we had a lot in common, that we most likely could align our values, get along…sooo wrong. The fact that anyone says they are a Christian now means absolutely nothing to me. The fact that they go to church 3 times a week means even less. I remember my brother trying to explain that people are either bad or good regardless of whether they are Christians or not. Now don’t get me wrong, I believe in change and miracles but I gotta keep it real. If I had had more time I might have entertained this conversation in the futile effort to try and induce some sense into the man. After all the sh!t he has the decency to utter those words? See I have met those hardcore Christians. The bible says God hates divorce in one verse, but hmmm..how is it that people can ignore the rest of 65 books about love, taking care of each other, being humble, not selfish, faithful. I mean seriously who do people think they are fooling?? You cannot really be fooling yourself; or I guess you can, for a lil while at least, but in the end it will all come apart.
The hypocrisy in the church is sickening. I do go to church and love my church very much, but I have just come to learn, we are all human beings, no one supernatural in there. Maybe I’ve become a skeptic but we’ve got to move beyond face value and dig deeper when it comes to understanding the Christian faith or any faith for that matter and anyone who claims to be an ally. I could go on and on about Pat Robertson, Joel Osteen and the like. I think a lot of Christians recreate the Bible and rules to suit themselves and their agenda. Most times its people following blindly and then they are shocked that they have been misled. Be the guardian of your soul and your faith. In the end, it will just be me and God and he’s the only one I will answer to.

Friday, January 19, 2007

Busted...

So I’ve been having a rough week at work. I love my job most of the time, the environment is lax, my work is independent. I deal more with people outside the office workwise than with people in my office. My supervisor though is sometimes too lax, she’s done the job for years and I’m not sure is its just wearing on her or what but there’s been missing contracts, emails not followed up on and recently she pulled some serious crap and I had just had it. She had given me some misinformation that I acted on and I ended up looking dumb. So yes I told it to her face just how I felt, I kept my cool though…and also intended on clearing the whole scenario with the big boss.
So today was the day, I was waiting for the mdosi to be in his office to I could pop in and clear the whole situation. Apparently he beat me to it. He walked into my office and wanted to talk about the situation. Now I would have been more than happy to except I had just opened Pandora (music software prog. thingi) that selects random songs depending on what category of music you set it to. So guess what was playing when my boss walked in at this very important moment….Sexy back by Justin Timberlake! Have you ever just wanted to disappear? I tried my best not to act awkward. The volume was kidogo low but still I couldn’t help wondering if he could hear it and because this was a serious convo, I didn’t want to turn to my screen to try and mute it……why now? or better yet what was I thinking? So despite Justin wanting to be whipped, I tried my best to concentrate and explain the situation. I think we cleared the air but Pandora is not playing anymore. TGIF!

Thursday, January 18, 2007

The gift of fear

It's the title of an amazing book I read last year written by Gavin de Becker. It talks about how we have a natural sense of a good or bad situation and even people. It’s about how to identify those survival signs that help us avoid a dangerous situation or person. This stuff is so obvious that we don’t think about it unless it happens to us or someone close to us. Now someone may think I’m trying to introduce the whole fear thing we have acquired in the last few years due to terrorism. Far from it, this is an everyday decision about people and the environment around us.

When we first meet someone, there is a vibe that we get from them and we quickly make an assessment. We can meet someone at a crowded party who makes us nervous and we can also meet someone at an isolated place that makes you feel comfortable. This book redirected my mind to think about what I’m feeling and have a healthy assessment of a situation. Let’s go back to the guy who makes you nervous at the party. You may feel some sought negative vibe but because he seems popular at the party or you have a mutual friend, you ignore your first instincts. It’s not only about relationships, it can help identify psychos..yes those before you give too much of yourself, identify types of relationships to form at work, at a mall, club, parking lot etc. Gavin de Becker breaks it down into the following points about positive fear:


-Recognize the survival signals that warn us about risk from strangers
-Rely on our intuition
-Separate real from imagined danger
-Predict dangerous behavior
-Evaluate whether someone will use violence
-Move beyond denial so that our intuition works for us


How many times have we heard that people were violated by people they knew or were comfortable with? How many times have we heard someone say “I knew something was bad was going to happen..or I knew there was something wrong with that person…or He acted a bit funny…I saw it coming…”


All my life I never imagined why anyone would choose to be mean or outright evil. It was always out there and never in my face. Now I know it’s there and I have to be smart about it. As one of my friend’s would say “everyone is guilty until proven innocent”. I’m not sure how much I agree but I can tell you I’m using my sixth sense. I’m still nonchalant when I meet people, because that is who I am but trust me, I am very aware. Ignorance is no bliss.

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

just trying to have a good morning

I am a pretty simple person blah blah…. I don’t like complications in life, but somehow complications seem to find me. One part of my life that I don’t like to complicate is the morning commute. It makes no sense to travel an average of 2+ hours back and forth to work. Sitting in traffic for the occasional half-hour is traumatic enough for me. In my quest for simplicity, I may have somehow developed some insane behaviors related to the rush hour.

So my mission already impossible is to get out of the house approximately 30 minutes before I need to be at work. Of course being the Kenyan I am, there always seems to be something that takes up an extra five or so minutes before I get out of the door. And most of the time it will be something as lame as I cannot remember where I put the car keys the night before or even worse the minute before. Now you would think that this being a reoccurring theme, I would have established a familiar place for the keys. This is besides the fact that I pretended not to hear the alarm clock and could not for the life of me figure what I should wear to work. Wearing uniforms to work seems ideal at this time in the morning. The real chai would also have to be postponed and I have to settle for the fake microwave tea at work.

The usual 100m dash to my car is in order. I must have my neighbors dumbfounded because I always act like I’m trying to make it into a getaway car. I also happen to be carrying a mountain of stuff ranging from lotion to umbrella, depending on the day/season/condition of my hair/what I’m doing after work.

It usually takes me about 15 minutes to work, but of course I want to show my boss that I’m not just a regular employee and I will give the company 5 extra minutes of my day. I’m lucky that my place of work is kinda flexible so I’m not so caught up in the time game but I still try to maintain a good rep. So I get onto the expressway; after all it is supposed to be faster. Now this is where the madness comes in. Apparently I have mastered the psychology of morning traffic. I know which lane moves faster and at what exact point I should join that lane. When I feel like I’m conquering the massive traffic and making time, it gives me such contentment, I can often be found smiling while cruising to downtown and with equal effort cursing that the guy in front of me just let someone else in. Of course there are days where traffic is painfully slow and I have exited so I could take the back roads in an effort to save time but unconsciously it is to save me from myself.

I guess if I want to be simple, I should enjoy the drive, keep to my lane and cruise on until whenever I get to work. But then that would probably mean waking up earlier and pretending to like being stuck behind some SUV and God forbid it’s being driven by a someone who is on a morning stroll. I said I’m simple not boring, I derive pleasure from everyday things like not getting stuck in traffic on a daily basis and minimizing exposure to mindless morning talk radio. When I get to work, I’m on mission impossible II; how to make the 8-hour day shorter and get everything done. I still have evening traffic to maneuver. I guess I’ve just proven I’m type A, but that’s for another day.

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

forgiveness...

..this is what I’m pondering. I have been a Christian all my life, so this should come as a no-brainer. Isn’t that the essence of the Christian faith, that God forgave so we should forgive? All those years of my head buried in the Bible and I’m having a hard time wrapping my head around this concept.

Part I of this is forgiving someone else. I find this easy most of the times because I don’t like conflict and I’ve realized that it’s necessary to move on. I have realized that forgetting is another deal altogether. I honestly think that only God can do this. In fact I think it’s healthy to keep a keep a gentle reminder of where we have been so we don’t get caught up in the same mess.

Part II is forgiving myself. This is what I’m having such a hard time with. My goal is to try to be lenient on myself and I have that concept in my head. But when things start going horribly wrong I have the tendency to trace it all the way back to some dumb or naïve mistake I made before. How do you admit to yourself that you have failed and having to live with the circumstances caused by your decision? On the other hand I wouldn’t change who I am now as a result of the lessons I have learnt along the way. So I’m caught in a paradox. Maybe when this wave of craziness passes I shall be able to look back and just be happy. Gosh haven’t I learnt anything from Oprah? Maybe it will all come together when I’m 50…and a billionare. I guess I have to accept that I was not all that I thought I was (ouch), and that even though I should have known better, I didn’t. Now let me get going on that billion.

bluey day

Some days are just not
The very best they could be
Some days I wish
I could just sit and drink tea
Some days I know
It's only clouds I will see
Some days like today
I just want to be free
Some days are just
Very obscure, I agree

Thursday, January 11, 2007

Narcissism at its best

Some people take too much energy to deal with such as the ex-husband. I’m not a hater by any means. I have moved on, but we do co-parent and as such I have to make the best of the interaction. I have researched Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) and I will not attempt to label anyone as such, they are doing a great job living it out. As found in wikipedia, narcissism to the extreme results in NPD. NPD is considered to result from a “person’s belief that he or she is flawed in a way that makes the person fundamentally unacceptable to others. This belief is held below the person’s conscious awareness; such a person would typically deny thinking such a thing if questioned. In order to protect themselves against the intolerably painful rejection and isolation they imagine would follow if others recognized their supposedly defective nature, such people make strong attempts to control others’ view of them and behavior towards them”.

The following list is also found in wikipedia, to summarise the characteristics of NPD. It has to be a pattern not isolated incidents:

  • has a grandiose sense of self-importance
  • is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
  • believes that he or she is "special" and unique and can only be understood by other special people
  • requires excessive admiration
  • strong sense of entitlement
  • takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends
  • lacks empathy
  • is often envious or believes others are envious of him or her
  • arrogant affect.

Yesterday I made an attempt to communicate to the ex. He proved that NO form of communication can exist between this man and I. It will wring every bit of energy out of you. It’s a little scary, he has some form of psychological condition that I will not bother to diagnose ( I do have a hunch). He will lie, manipulate and intimidate to get his way or preserve his ‘image’. I mean this man can lie… bold faced lies that can only be interpreted to mean that he thinks you are dumb. Image is everything to him, he wants me to know how important he is at work, at church (yes church!) and that he has material wealth. He is known to throw out the words, blackberry at unnecessary moments, or “I’m going to write you an email right now on my laptop”…Yeah, kwani how else are emails sent? Just wants me to know he has acquired a new laptop. He is obsessed with the idea of success. He is obsessed with ideal love; he has a hard time figuring out why I would possibly leave him. He believes that he deserves special treatment and lives by arrogance. He lacks empathy at all levels, if he needs anything he will intimidate, and of course lie to no end. He believes that I’m envious of him…lol, far from it. In view of all this you would ask, “What did you ever see in this man?” Trust me; this is the million dollar question I ask myself everyday. Life can only be understood backwards, but must be lived forward (Soren Kierkgaard). I have only become wiser.

Wednesday, January 10, 2007

The man

I met a man
I stared in his eyes, he stared back
So gentle his gaze
So charming his look

I met a man
I held his hand, he held mine
So sincere his face
So warm his embrace

I met a man
I fumbled for words, he mumbled
So caught off guard
So intense this emotion

I met a man
I kissed him, he kissed me
So delicate his touch
So captivating his breath

I met a man
I want him to be mine
So I’m still dreaming of
So great a feeling

I met a man
I stir, I stare, do I dare?
So unreal this impression
So what do I do with this man I have met?

Tuesday, January 9, 2007

No way Jose!

One of the fun elements of having a social life is the type of characters that I meet. I like going out with friends and not interested in picking up dates (at least not now). I prefer to dance in a group or by myself but seeing this is not always possible, I have set some boundaries. As a rule of thumb, I don’t give out my phone number, I don’t dance with any guy who’s not a friend or don’t have a special connection with. They have to be good-looking by my standards, confident, respectful and well-dressed. Rarely, I meet someone whom I really dig and I might bend (not break) a rule. On even more rare occasions I may break a rule or two (blame it on the drink).I try and speak to guys who seem intriguing but only if I am so inclined. I’m shy but on one or two occasions I have been know to walk upto someone and introduce myself if I think they are worth the time. Now, some people will try and get at you, even if you give them the eye and all so fake smile. If I give you an excuse for not dancing with you, then by all means move on, I will NOT change my mind!!

This past weekend I met one of those, unfortunately I have met this guy before, out of my senses, I had given him my phone number. I talked to him the first time out of respect, I let him know I was busy (I’m never busy for friends). He called numerous times after that, all left unanswered, but apparently he did not get the hint. Thank God I changed my phone number. Anyway this last time, he asked for my phone number again. He said he would like to call me but he lost my number. I told him if he lost it, I can’t have been that important. He continued to say that I did not take any of his phone calls (but he still wanted my no.?) What type of sign do some people need, a diagram of do not call? Kwanza all this happened after I had, politely refused a drink..he asked again (sigh) and I agreed. I made it clear by my body language that I did not want to dance with him. I excused myself twice..no good reason, just trying to get out of the space and both times, he found me at some other spot that I was enjoying myself! He even found me with this guy that I was digging and holy crap they knew each other. So I acted cordial. This is all on top of the fact that this guy is shorter than me, wore an ugly oversize shirt, chest open with a (fake) gold chain hanging, some type of hat that he really should throw in the garbage….Oh Lawd! The answer to the phone number this time was not an excuse and not even polite. It was a NO.

Monday, January 8, 2007

theme poem

Freedom

I am a prisoner
Trapped
Never to move
Never to express myself
Never to be heard

I am a prisoner
Manipulated
Trying to move
Trying to express myself
Words twisted, never heard

I’m a prisoner
Motivated
Making the first step
Speaking up despite the fear
Heard

I’m not a prisoner
Liberated
Moving mountains
Expressing myself
Respected

I’m not a prisoner
Independent
Free to love
Head held up high
I am free!

I like poetry, I remember trying to 'dissect' poetry in high school. What was that all about? There are some rules I guess but I wrote this poem my own way. I wrote it when I was going through some heavy stuff. I went though every one of those stages. It's not an implied meaning. I have experienced abuse in my life and have overcome and that is what is most important. When you have to come into contact with someone who has abused you, it becomes imperative to find yourself so that you are not always taking a step back every time there is interaction. Yesterday I had to be in the same space as this person, I'm always anxious when this happens. But yesterday I had no negative or anxious feelings, I just wondered what I ever saw in that man...that's all. The hardest thing is forgiving myself because regardless of the other person, there are choices I made in my life that led me there...that is the really hard part. The greatest part is the wisdom I have acquired in the trying times. I know how it feels to be in a place of powerlessness and fear. I know how it feels to loose yourself, and feel like you are going crazy. I know how it feels to be in denial. But I am no longer naive, no longer afraid, no longer in denial. I embrace who I am and embrace reality. I know my boundaries, I know when to walk away or run fast. Every now and then, I stop to reflect on how far I've come, I don't dwell on it but I know it's a part of me.

Friday, January 5, 2007

I saw Dream Girls

I haven't been to the movies in years...ok maybe not but I just don't find any movie worth $10 these days. But seeing that this is my b-day week, I decided to splurge(lol) on Dream Girls last night. It was an ok movie, I enjoyed J. Hudson's singing ....I didn't dig the story line and obviously I haven't seen a musical in a while or I've outgrown them but why oh why burst into song when all you need to say is "I'm angry, I'm leaving..I don't even know why Effie was insisting on staying with a jamaa who obviously didn't want her, asking him to love her???The best part overall about the movie was that it was free...the AMC messed up the sound quality of the movie halfway thru and even though we watched all of it, we got our money back!!So the weekend is looking a bit dry and I have all the time in the world since my babyBoy is staying with his dad. The only plot I have is to clean up my place..arrghh. I'm glad its Friday though coz this was one of the busiest weeks I've had in a long time and I feel like I deserve to spoil myself. I guess this is good, it will help me catch up on much needed rest...in anticipation of the best show on TV ...24 !

Wednesday, January 3, 2007

toast to 2007

My main motivator in life is my baby Boy. I can’t believe I have been a mother clocking 4 years this January. It’s been such a journey with both ups and downs that has brought me to the place where I am now. I’m starting this year as a single mom and sometimes when I think about this I scare myself. Mostly because of ideas I have acquired over the years about single mothers. I never in a million years would have imagined myself here but now that I am I can never imagine myself elsewhere. I have never been happier with who I am and even more hopeful about the future. I feel like I have finally got to that place..when you are comfortable in your own skin, don’t go crazy over other people’s opinions, don’t let your family overwhelm you, choose friends wisely without riding peer pressure, just taking everything in stride. At my age the usual worries are finding a nice guy/marriage/kids but I feel like I’ve already been there done that, moving on! I enjoy spending time with my son and being the best parent I can be. I enjoy hanging out without the pressure of jumping into things.
Did I say I’m excited about the New Year? That is what I like about having a birthday in Jan, it helps refocus and start afresh. So today on my B-day I declare this to be the year of prosperity! I hope to have a greater financial security, save more, spend less, invest wisely, and still have more fun doing it. I want to spend more time in positive thought, doing more for my son, church and charity. I want to spend more time meditating, jogging, and being creative. Career wise, I will be certified so I upgrade my status and definitely make more money by the end of the year. I refuse to tag last year’s baggage. I have to work on my waking up schedule and I may have to cut out 11pm Oprah. Oprah I love you but damn it, going to bed at midnight just aint doing it anymore. I will be more in touch with family and friends. I will remember b-days of people who are important to me starting with myself today!! I promise to love myself and do good by myself. I have learnt that this is an important first step of loving others. I will stop being so critical of myself when things don’t go as planned. I’m overly excited at the prospects this year will bring, but heck why not? It’s just me, my baby Boy and God, mostly in the reverse order and I know it’s gonna be aight!