the Christian label...

I just came from mediation..child custody that is. I try not to blog about this whole mess but journal it instead but something came up that almost made me loose my cool. The man can put on a show, I have to give it to him, oh how I wish that this divorce was amicable because I’m sooo tired of dealing with this crap! Anyway back on track….
Everyone needs to learn the benefit of letting go. So somewhere in the middle of a conversation he managed to throw the line that it’s ironic we’re getting divorced since we are both Christians…WTF!!! There is a few ways I could dissect that line but WTF is a fitting description. See, this is one of the biggest reasons why Christianity is screwed up, because people think they can hide behind labels and get away with anything. I used to be one of them, somewhat. I was into anyone who said they were Christian. I thought that meant that we had a lot in common, that we most likely could align our values, get along…sooo wrong. The fact that anyone says they are a Christian now means absolutely nothing to me. The fact that they go to church 3 times a week means even less. I remember my brother trying to explain that people are either bad or good regardless of whether they are Christians or not. Now don’t get me wrong, I believe in change and miracles but I gotta keep it real. If I had had more time I might have entertained this conversation in the futile effort to try and induce some sense into the man. After all the sh!t he has the decency to utter those words? See I have met those hardcore Christians. The bible says God hates divorce in one verse, but hmmm..how is it that people can ignore the rest of 65 books about love, taking care of each other, being humble, not selfish, faithful. I mean seriously who do people think they are fooling?? You cannot really be fooling yourself; or I guess you can, for a lil while at least, but in the end it will all come apart.
The hypocrisy in the church is sickening. I do go to church and love my church very much, but I have just come to learn, we are all human beings, no one supernatural in there. Maybe I’ve become a skeptic but we’ve got to move beyond face value and dig deeper when it comes to understanding the Christian faith or any faith for that matter and anyone who claims to be an ally. I could go on and on about Pat Robertson, Joel Osteen and the like. I think a lot of Christians recreate the Bible and rules to suit themselves and their agenda. Most times its people following blindly and then they are shocked that they have been misled. Be the guardian of your soul and your faith. In the end, it will just be me and God and he’s the only one I will answer to.

Busted...

So I’ve been having a rough week at work. I love my job most of the time, the environment is lax, my work is independent. I deal more with people outside the office workwise than with people in my office. My supervisor though is sometimes too lax, she’s done the job for years and I’m not sure is its just wearing on her or what but there’s been missing contracts, emails not followed up on and recently she pulled some serious crap and I had just had it. She had given me some misinformation that I acted on and I ended up looking dumb. So yes I told it to her face just how I felt, I kept my cool though…and also intended on clearing the whole scenario with the big boss.
So today was the day, I was waiting for the mdosi to be in his office to I could pop in and clear the whole situation. Apparently he beat me to it. He walked into my office and wanted to talk about the situation. Now I would have been more than happy to except I had just opened Pandora (music software prog. thingi) that selects random songs depending on what category of music you set it to. So guess what was playing when my boss walked in at this very important moment….Sexy back by Justin Timberlake! Have you ever just wanted to disappear? I tried my best not to act awkward. The volume was kidogo low but still I couldn’t help wondering if he could hear it and because this was a serious convo, I didn’t want to turn to my screen to try and mute it……why now? or better yet what was I thinking? So despite Justin wanting to be whipped, I tried my best to concentrate and explain the situation. I think we cleared the air but Pandora is not playing anymore. TGIF!

The gift of fear

It's the title of an amazing book I read last year written by Gavin de Becker. It talks about how we have a natural sense of a good or bad situation and even people. It’s about how to identify those survival signs that help us avoid a dangerous situation or person. This stuff is so obvious that we don’t think about it unless it happens to us or someone close to us. Now someone may think I’m trying to introduce the whole fear thing we have acquired in the last few years due to terrorism. Far from it, this is an everyday decision about people and the environment around us.

When we first meet someone, there is a vibe that we get from them and we quickly make an assessment. We can meet someone at a crowded party who makes us nervous and we can also meet someone at an isolated place that makes you feel comfortable. This book redirected my mind to think about what I’m feeling and have a healthy assessment of a situation. Let’s go back to the guy who makes you nervous at the party. You may feel some sought negative vibe but because he seems popular at the party or you have a mutual friend, you ignore your first instincts. It’s not only about relationships, it can help identify psychos..yes those before you give too much of yourself, identify types of relationships to form at work, at a mall, club, parking lot etc. Gavin de Becker breaks it down into the following points about positive fear:

-Recognize the survival signals that warn us about risk from strangers
-Rely on our intuition
-Separate real from imagined danger
-Predict dangerous behavior
-Evaluate whether someone will use violence
-Move beyond denial so that our intuition works for us

How many times have we heard that people were violated by people they knew or were comfortable with? How many times have we heard someone say “I knew something was bad was going to happen..or I knew there was something wrong with that person…or He acted a bit funny…I saw it coming…”

All my life I never imagined why anyone would choose to be mean or outright evil. It was always out there and never in my face. Now I know it’s there and I have to be smart about it. As one of my friend’s would say “everyone is guilty until proven innocent”. I’m not sure how much I agree but I can tell you I’m using my sixth sense. I’m still nonchalant when I meet people, because that is who I am but trust me, I am very aware. Ignorance is no bliss.

just trying to have a good morning

I am a pretty simple person blah blah…. I don’t like complications in life, but somehow complications seem to find me. One part of my life that I don’t like to complicate is the morning commute. It makes no sense to travel an average of 2+ hours back and forth to work. Sitting in traffic for the occasional half-hour is traumatic enough for me. In my quest for simplicity, I may have somehow developed some insane behaviors related to the rush hour.

So my mission already impossible is to get out of the house approximately 30 minutes before I need to be at work. Of course being the Kenyan I am, there always seems to be something that takes up an extra five or so minutes before I get out of the door. And most of the time it will be something as lame as I cannot remember where I put the car keys the night before or even worse the minute before. Now you would think that this being a reoccurring theme, I would have established a familiar place for the keys. This is besides the fact that I pretended not to hear the alarm clock and could not for the life of me figure what I should wear to work. Wearing uniforms to work seems ideal at this time in the morning. The real chai would also have to be postponed and I have to settle for the fake microwave tea at work.

The usual 100m dash to my car is in order. I must have my neighbors dumbfounded because I always act like I’m trying to make it into a getaway car. I also happen to be carrying a mountain of stuff ranging from lotion to umbrella, depending on the day/season/condition of my hair/what I’m doing after work.

It usually takes me about 15 minutes to work, but of course I want to show my boss that I’m not just a regular employee and I will give the company 5 extra minutes of my day. I’m lucky that my place of work is kinda flexible so I’m not so caught up in the time game but I still try to maintain a good rep. So I get onto the expressway; after all it is supposed to be faster. Now this is where the madness comes in. Apparently I have mastered the psychology of morning traffic. I know which lane moves faster and at what exact point I should join that lane. When I feel like I’m conquering the massive traffic and making time, it gives me such contentment, I can often be found smiling while cruising to downtown and with equal effort cursing that the guy in front of me just let someone else in. Of course there are days where traffic is painfully slow and I have exited so I could take the back roads in an effort to save time but unconsciously it is to save me from myself.

I guess if I want to be simple, I should enjoy the drive, keep to my lane and cruise on until whenever I get to work. But then that would probably mean waking up earlier and pretending to like being stuck behind some SUV and God forbid it’s being driven by a someone who is on a morning stroll. I said I’m simple not boring, I derive pleasure from everyday things like not getting stuck in traffic on a daily basis and minimizing exposure to mindless morning talk radio. When I get to work, I’m on mission impossible II; how to make the 8-hour day shorter and get everything done. I still have evening traffic to maneuver. I guess I’ve just proven I’m type A, but that’s for another day.

forgiveness...

..this is what I’m pondering. I have been a Christian all my life, so this should come as a no-brainer. Isn’t that the essence of the Christian faith, that God forgave so we should forgive? All those years of my head buried in the Bible and I’m having a hard time wrapping my head around this concept.

Part I of this is forgiving someone else. I find this easy most of the times because I don’t like conflict and I’ve realized that it’s necessary to move on. I have realized that forgetting is another deal altogether. I honestly think that only God can do this. In fact I think it’s healthy to keep a keep a gentle reminder of where we have been so we don’t get caught up in the same mess.

Part II is forgiving myself. This is what I’m having such a hard time with. My goal is to try to be lenient on myself and I have that concept in my head. But when things start going horribly wrong I have the tendency to trace it all the way back to some dumb or naïve mistake I made before. How do you admit to yourself that you have failed and having to live with the circumstances caused by your decision? On the other hand I wouldn’t change who I am now as a result of the lessons I have learnt along the way. So I’m caught in a paradox. Maybe when this wave of craziness passes I shall be able to look back and just be happy. Gosh haven’t I learnt anything from Oprah? Maybe it will all come together when I’m 50…and a billionare. I guess I have to accept that I was not all that I thought I was (ouch), and that even though I should have known better, I didn’t. Now let me get going on that billion.

bluey day

Some days are just not
The very best they could be
Some days I wish
I could just sit and drink tea
Some days I know
It's only clouds I will see
Some days like today
I just want to be free
Some days are just
Very obscure, I agree

Narcissism at its best

Some people take too much energy to deal with such as the ex-husband. I’m not a hater by any means. I have moved on, but we do co-parent and as such I have to make the best of the interaction. I have researched Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) and I will not attempt to label anyone as such, they are doing a great job living it out. As found in wikipedia, narcissism to the extreme results in NPD. NPD is considered to result from a “person’s belief that he or she is flawed in a way that makes the person fundamentally unacceptable to others. This belief is held below the person’s conscious awareness; such a person would typically deny thinking such a thing if questioned. In order to protect themselves against the intolerably painful rejection and isolation they imagine would follow if others recognized their supposedly defective nature, such people make strong attempts to control others’ view of them and behavior towards them”.

The following list is also found in wikipedia, to summarise the characteristics of NPD. It has to be a pattern not isolated incidents:

• has a grandiose sense of self-importance
• is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
• believes that he or she is "special" and unique and can only be understood by other special people
• requires excessive admiration
• strong sense of entitlement
• takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends
• lacks empathy
• is often envious or believes others are envious of him or her
• arrogant affect.

Yesterday I made an attempt to communicate to the ex. He proved that NO form of communication can exist between this man and I. It will wring every bit of energy out of you. It’s a little scary, he has some form of psychological condition that I will not bother to diagnose ( I do have a hunch). He will lie, manipulate and intimidate to get his way or preserve his ‘image’. I mean this man can lie… bold faced lies that can only be interpreted to mean that he thinks you are dumb. Image is everything to him, he wants me to know how important he is at work, at church (yes church!) and that he has material wealth. He is known to throw out the words, blackberry at unnecessary moments, or “I’m going to write you an email right now on my laptop”…Yeah, kwani how else are emails sent? Just wants me to know he has acquired a new laptop. He is obsessed with the idea of success. He is obsessed with ideal love; he has a hard time figuring out why I would possibly leave him. He believes that he deserves special treatment and lives by arrogance. He lacks empathy at all levels, if he needs anything he will intimidate, and of course lie to no end. He believes that I’m envious of him…lol, far from it. In view of all this you would ask, “What did you ever see in this man?” Trust me; this is the million dollar question I ask myself everyday. Life can only be understood backwards, but must be lived forward (Soren Kierkgaard). I have only become wiser.

The man

I met a man
I stared in his eyes, he stared back
So gentle his gaze
So charming his look

I met a man
I held his hand, he held mine
So sincere his face
So warm his embrace

I met a man
I fumbled for words, he mumbled
So caught off guard
So intense this emotion

I met a man
I kissed him, he kissed me
So delicate his touch
So captivating his breath

I met a man
I want him to be mine
So I’m still dreaming of
So great a feeling

I met a man
I stir, I stare, do I dare?
So unreal this impression
So what do I do with this man I have met?

No way Jose!

One of the fun elements of having a social life is the type of characters that I meet. I like going out with friends and not interested in picking up dates (at least not now). I prefer to dance in a group or by myself but seeing this is not always possible, I have set some boundaries. As a rule of thumb, I don’t give out my phone number, I don’t dance with any guy who’s not a friend or don’t have a special connection with. They have to be good-looking by my standards, confident, respectful and well-dressed. Rarely, I meet someone whom I really dig and I might bend (not break) a rule. On even more rare occasions I may break a rule or two (blame it on the drink).I try and speak to guys who seem intriguing but only if I am so inclined. I’m shy but on one or two occasions I have been know to walk upto someone and introduce myself if I think they are worth the time. Now, some people will try and get at you, even if you give them the eye and all so fake smile. If I give you an excuse for not dancing with you, then by all means move on, I will NOT change my mind!!

This past weekend I met one of those, unfortunately I have met this guy before, out of my senses, I had given him my phone number. I talked to him the first time out of respect, I let him know I was busy (I’m never busy for friends). He called numerous times after that, all left unanswered, but apparently he did not get the hint. Thank God I changed my phone number. Anyway this last time, he asked for my phone number again. He said he would like to call me but he lost my number. I told him if he lost it, I can’t have been that important. He continued to say that I did not take any of his phone calls (but he still wanted my no.?) What type of sign do some people need, a diagram of do not call? Kwanza all this happened after I had, politely refused a drink..he asked again (sigh) and I agreed. I made it clear by my body language that I did not want to dance with him. I excused myself twice..no good reason, just trying to get out of the space and both times, he found me at some other spot that I was enjoying myself! He even found me with this guy that I was digging and holy crap they knew each other. So I acted cordial. This is all on top of the fact that this guy is shorter than me, wore an ugly oversize shirt, chest open with a (fake) gold chain hanging, some type of hat that he really should throw in the garbage….Oh Lawd! The answer to the phone number this time was not an excuse and not even polite. It was a NO.

theme poem

Freedom

I am a prisoner
Trapped
Never to move
Never to express myself
Never to be heard

I am a prisoner
Manipulated
Trying to move
Trying to express myself
Words twisted, never heard

I’m a prisoner
Motivated
Making the first step
Speaking up despite the fear
Heard

I’m not a prisoner
Liberated
Moving mountains
Expressing myself
Respected

I’m not a prisoner
Independent
Free to love
Head held up high
I am free!

I like poetry, I remember trying to 'dissect' poetry in high school. What was that all about? There are some rules I guess but I wrote this poem my own way. I wrote it when I was going through some heavy stuff. I went though every one of those stages. It's not an implied meaning. I have experienced abuse in my life and have overcome and that is what is most important. When you have to come into contact with someone who has abused you, it becomes imperative to find yourself so that you are not always taking a step back every time there is interaction. Yesterday I had to be in the same space as this person, I'm always anxious when this happens. But yesterday I had no negative or anxious feelings, I just wondered what I ever saw in that man...that's all. The hardest thing is forgiving myself because regardless of the other person, there are choices I made in my life that led me there...that is the really hard part. The greatest part is the wisdom I have acquired in the trying times. I know how it feels to be in a place of powerlessness and fear. I know how it feels to loose yourself, and feel like you are going crazy. I know how it feels to be in denial. But I am no longer naive, no longer afraid, no longer in denial. I embrace who I am and embrace reality. I know my boundaries, I know when to walk away or run fast. Every now and then, I stop to reflect on how far I've come, I don't dwell on it but I know it's a part of me.

I saw Dream Girls

I haven't been to the movies in years...ok maybe not but I just don't find any movie worth $10 these days. But seeing that this is my b-day week, I decided to splurge(lol) on Dream Girls last night. It was an ok movie, I enjoyed J. Hudson's singing ....I didn't dig the story line and obviously I haven't seen a musical in a while or I've outgrown them but why oh why burst into song when all you need to say is "I'm angry, I'm leaving..I don't even know why Effie was insisting on staying with a jamaa who obviously didn't want her, asking him to love her???The best part overall about the movie was that it was free...the AMC messed up the sound quality of the movie halfway thru and even though we watched all of it, we got our money back!!So the weekend is looking a bit dry and I have all the time in the world since my babyBoy is staying with his dad. The only plot I have is to clean up my place..arrghh. I'm glad its Friday though coz this was one of the busiest weeks I've had in a long time and I feel like I deserve to spoil myself. I guess this is good, it will help me catch up on much needed rest...in anticipation of the best show on TV ...24 !

toast to 2007

My main motivator in life is my baby Boy. I can’t believe I have been a mother clocking 4 years this January. It’s been such a journey with both ups and downs that has brought me to the place where I am now. I’m starting this year as a single mom and sometimes when I think about this I scare myself. Mostly because of ideas I have acquired over the years about single mothers. I never in a million years would have imagined myself here but now that I am I can never imagine myself elsewhere. I have never been happier with who I am and even more hopeful about the future. I feel like I have finally got to that place..when you are comfortable in your own skin, don’t go crazy over other people’s opinions, don’t let your family overwhelm you, choose friends wisely without riding peer pressure, just taking everything in stride. At my age the usual worries are finding a nice guy/marriage/kids but I feel like I’ve already been there done that, moving on! I enjoy spending time with my son and being the best parent I can be. I enjoy hanging out without the pressure of jumping into things.
Did I say I’m excited about the New Year? That is what I like about having a birthday in Jan, it helps refocus and start afresh. So today on my B-day I declare this to be the year of prosperity! I hope to have a greater financial security, save more, spend less, invest wisely, and still have more fun doing it. I want to spend more time in positive thought, doing more for my son, church and charity. I want to spend more time meditating, jogging, and being creative. Career wise, I will be certified so I upgrade my status and definitely make more money by the end of the year. I refuse to tag last year’s baggage. I have to work on my waking up schedule and I may have to cut out 11pm Oprah. Oprah I love you but damn it, going to bed at midnight just aint doing it anymore. I will be more in touch with family and friends. I will remember b-days of people who are important to me starting with myself today!! I promise to love myself and do good by myself. I have learnt that this is an important first step of loving others. I will stop being so critical of myself when things don’t go as planned. I’m overly excited at the prospects this year will bring, but heck why not? It’s just me, my baby Boy and God, mostly in the reverse order and I know it’s gonna be aight!