Even though I enjoy meeting people, having company around me, I realize that I’m afraid to go to the next step to connect with people above the usual meets. In college I think I was just shy and introverted, now I exhibit a great extroverted qualities, I know it’s kinda hard to explain. I hate to admit to myself but I’m truly scared on a subconscious level to invite people into the inner circle. The number one reason being I USED to think I was too messed up so the nice people I met did not want to be involved in my baggage. I always told myself that I needed to work on myself first before I created openness with people I wanted to be friends with.
I have overcome this part with great difficulty that we all have our own hang-ups and people who genuinely connect with you will love you in spite of. In fact I have found out time and again that we are all alike in our messes than we are different. Being a single mom at some point I share my history with some people and in so doing I find out they have probably been through the same or experienced a part of the same craziness.. “..but you are so fabulous how could you have gone through that?” That is exactly what I wanted to I want to say to someone this weekend when she gave me a hug and told me what a strong woman she thought I was. I don’t know why I’m always shocked but I guess I should know by now that fabulous people that I meet have gone through fiya to get that luster.
I haven’t discounted the working on myself part. I’m still very vigorously learning to love myself. This is the most conscious I have been of myself ever. Taking control, making good choices, consciously. Sure I like to go with the flow sometimes, you know not have to think about what I’m doing, where to hang out, with whom and if things turn out horribly wrong not really think about it too much or just as easily get pissed off. This was me sought of in college, just nice person enjoying this life but wait… I think I like the more conscious me better.
I don’t know where this post was going. I’m just happy to know I can be me and people love me. I set the standards by which I receive and give love. I know…the almighty set the ultimate standard but you gotta give people something to work with and how you love yourself reflects in how people deal with you. When you love yourself you are not looking for conditional attachments with other people, you have been set free! You give love sincerely and in the same way and just as important are able to accept it sincerely.
Note: above thoughts heavily influenced by Iyanla Vanzant’s ‘In the meantime’
Monday, May 21, 2007
Thursday, May 10, 2007
still blessed
The paradox of life, just when you think you are sailing smoothly some storm starts to brew out of nowhere, the waves start rising, the sharks start to attack and even the friendly sea creatures turn hostile. Then you start to wonder, was I dreaming or did things just take a turn? Then there is that moment when you decide whether to take this all in stride or to let it overwhelm you. I know the latter intimately. I just start to get upset, curse my bad fortune and cry. I realize that I’m confused and don’t really know what to do. I start to hope that the storm calms down soon or else I won’t be able to handle it. I don’t really know what to do! Should I steer straight on or turn back? Should I call for help? Did I see this coming, if not, why didn’t I? Maybe I did, but I didn’t think it would be such a big deal. Now I’m accepting the reality of this life. I journal to remind myself of how far I’ve come, how much I have learnt, the mistakes I made, the triumphs, the drama that we live in. I’m still blessed.
Yesterday after I wrote my piece on being blessed, I encountered some serious drama. It set me back for a minute and I even thought about it waking up this morning and I wanted to cry. The greatest reason I wasn’t fuming was because my son was there and his dad was causing the drama. It is such a paralyzing place to be. On one hand I would want to cut off all contact with this person, but I know better, I will have to put up with the BS for a good portion of my life and the sooner I learn to deal with it the better. I not only do it for my son, but for myself as well. Because I know you could get drama anywhere anyhow. Someone at work started some type of drama. When I say drama, it means unnecessary craziness that doesn’t even have to exist in the first place. In the midst of all this, I find that I got a ticket for ‘jumping’ a red light! WTH? A whopping $90 and I’m pissed. I’m a good driver and I know this intersection is notorious for the camera action. Since it was about a month ago, my recollection is hazy but I’m still going to contest it. *Sigh*
I’m doing better with my life. It’s frustrating not to have total control over my situation but I’m determined to have a better attitude regardless of what drama comes my way. I guess I will steer straight into the storm, I think I know when to call for help. But now I need to focus on getting to the calm. I’m getting to a point where I know God has my back because for while I doubted. I can feel some divine intervention going on that is beyond me. I’m still blessed.
Yesterday after I wrote my piece on being blessed, I encountered some serious drama. It set me back for a minute and I even thought about it waking up this morning and I wanted to cry. The greatest reason I wasn’t fuming was because my son was there and his dad was causing the drama. It is such a paralyzing place to be. On one hand I would want to cut off all contact with this person, but I know better, I will have to put up with the BS for a good portion of my life and the sooner I learn to deal with it the better. I not only do it for my son, but for myself as well. Because I know you could get drama anywhere anyhow. Someone at work started some type of drama. When I say drama, it means unnecessary craziness that doesn’t even have to exist in the first place. In the midst of all this, I find that I got a ticket for ‘jumping’ a red light! WTH? A whopping $90 and I’m pissed. I’m a good driver and I know this intersection is notorious for the camera action. Since it was about a month ago, my recollection is hazy but I’m still going to contest it. *Sigh*
I’m doing better with my life. It’s frustrating not to have total control over my situation but I’m determined to have a better attitude regardless of what drama comes my way. I guess I will steer straight into the storm, I think I know when to call for help. But now I need to focus on getting to the calm. I’m getting to a point where I know God has my back because for while I doubted. I can feel some divine intervention going on that is beyond me. I’m still blessed.
Wednesday, May 9, 2007
The glass is half-full
I’ve been feeling so blessed and wanting to blog about it for the past week. Not because my life is going superbly well, on the contrary, there is still a ton of madness going in my life, lot of uncertainties. But somehow the divine power has been able to still my soul to see beyond these circumstances and revel in the blessings. I don’t know how, in fact I’ve been holding my breath wondering if this is something temporary. There are a few things I can pinpoint in my life that have really helped me grow to this realization and attitude towards life.
I have been reading Iyanla’s book, “In the Meantime”. I read it in portions because it’s a lil deep and a sista needs the time to ruminate on the content. I have had a few hallelujah moments while reading this book and it has been very practical in my life. “Honoring, respecting and supporting myself by believing I can achieve what I want without compromising my values”, is a theme that Iyanla explores in the beginning chapters and I wouldn’t do it justice paraphrasing it. I’ve tried to explain to couple of my friends, it seems like ‘life and love 101’ but so hard to explain. I just know I got it, my light bulb moment!
I have also spent a considerable amount of time honoring relationships in my life. I thrive in company and really enjoy spending time with friends and family. But when I was going through the rough road, I withdrew partly because I was ashamed of my situation, held pity parties for myself and mostly because I just didn’t feel good enough to establish new relationships or keep up with the old ones. I didn’t feel confident to share who I was and I didn’t even know who I had become. So I just sat at home.
That has changed considerably. My motivation being my lil man; to find a family of friends where he and I could belong and share. It was important for me to see my son thrive in a community of loving relationships. My immediate family is far, so my friends are my family. It has taken a lot to come out of my comfort zone. I wanted my son to see that life goes on. He knows the circle of people we hang around, knows that they love him, that they respect his mom. This past weekend was spent doing just that, hanging out with friends. Really that is all we did. We ate, hang out, laughed, enjoyed each other’s company, and supported our friends who have had great accomplishments. Nae, if you read this, I’m so proud of you. I spoke to my sis and encouraged her before she begins her first teaching intership. She is brilliant and I'm so proud. I’m so proud to know all the people I know in my life. I still don’t put myself out there as much as I would want to trust people and all but I think I will crawl on this no need to start running.
I could rant about all the bad in my life but I won’t, I think its good every now and then to let it be. Anything negative I can change, I am putting effort to do that the best way I know how and then there are those things that I just can’t change. When was I ever this positive on a Wednesday?
I have been reading Iyanla’s book, “In the Meantime”. I read it in portions because it’s a lil deep and a sista needs the time to ruminate on the content. I have had a few hallelujah moments while reading this book and it has been very practical in my life. “Honoring, respecting and supporting myself by believing I can achieve what I want without compromising my values”, is a theme that Iyanla explores in the beginning chapters and I wouldn’t do it justice paraphrasing it. I’ve tried to explain to couple of my friends, it seems like ‘life and love 101’ but so hard to explain. I just know I got it, my light bulb moment!
I have also spent a considerable amount of time honoring relationships in my life. I thrive in company and really enjoy spending time with friends and family. But when I was going through the rough road, I withdrew partly because I was ashamed of my situation, held pity parties for myself and mostly because I just didn’t feel good enough to establish new relationships or keep up with the old ones. I didn’t feel confident to share who I was and I didn’t even know who I had become. So I just sat at home.
That has changed considerably. My motivation being my lil man; to find a family of friends where he and I could belong and share. It was important for me to see my son thrive in a community of loving relationships. My immediate family is far, so my friends are my family. It has taken a lot to come out of my comfort zone. I wanted my son to see that life goes on. He knows the circle of people we hang around, knows that they love him, that they respect his mom. This past weekend was spent doing just that, hanging out with friends. Really that is all we did. We ate, hang out, laughed, enjoyed each other’s company, and supported our friends who have had great accomplishments. Nae, if you read this, I’m so proud of you. I spoke to my sis and encouraged her before she begins her first teaching intership. She is brilliant and I'm so proud. I’m so proud to know all the people I know in my life. I still don’t put myself out there as much as I would want to trust people and all but I think I will crawl on this no need to start running.
I could rant about all the bad in my life but I won’t, I think its good every now and then to let it be. Anything negative I can change, I am putting effort to do that the best way I know how and then there are those things that I just can’t change. When was I ever this positive on a Wednesday?
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