the holidays are not scary this year...

I have so much to be thankful for and not in a cliche type of way..in a its a miracle, unbelievable type of way. Two years from the date I was so hopeless, I sat in my house on thanksgiving day and cried. Last year, I ventured out feeling hopeful and this year, I have no words. I have an abundance of peace, love, friends and resources. Sometimes I wonder why God just lets us stay struggling when he is capable of doing. But in retrospect, that is what it took to let me know how much he is capable. I was down and under and he has lifted me up. If I wasn't at the bottom, I would not appreciate what it feels like to be right here. My God has done his thing. I get to see my family in less than two weeks and I am beside myself because I miss them so much. Sure there are lots of things I could worry about, I'm taking lots of unpaid time in this economy, the school has threatened that my son is taking too much time off. Seriously, for a smart kid in Kindergarten and that ish about being away for 2 wks. I digress for this just irks me. See my God worked out all the details so I will not let some nonsense distract me from this happy moment. He provided the finances, the time, the accomodating work schedule, accomodating legal matters, it was like a jigsaw puzzle that had to come together at exactly the right time. So I'm praying, believing and basking in the goodness of him.

Who am I?

I was raised in a conservative christian home.
I'm the oldest of four.
I wanted to be a doctor and got good grades to get there.
I then realized it was more my parent's dream.
My dream is to make a difference in people's health.
I'm yet to start my degree to accomplish that.
It will take two years.
I love my job now.
I have been married.
I am divorced.
I survived domestic abuse.
I am a mom.
I love it.
I hate that I'm so far from my family.
I don't like the cold.
I love being with people.
I like to dance.
I am a Christian.
I surrender to no one but God.
I have a strong dislike for people who use Christianity/Religion for selfish reasons;political, ethical etc.
I can't stand phony people.
I supported Obama.
I believe in love.
I fight for justice.
I wish we would all just get along.
I have more questions sometimes than I do answers.
I love spending time with friends.
I like cooking.
I am an organic food freak.
I spend too much on food.
I would like to exercise more.
I want to run a marathon.
I would like to read more.
I like fashion.
I don't believe in spending a lot of money to look good.
I am a minimalist.
I would like to be a designer.
I would like to be a DJ
I love music.
I am shy.
I am bold.
I live.
I laugh.
I dream.
I believe.
I conquer.
I am set free above all and that is enough.

You've got to pray............

If there is one positive thing about the madness that sometimes exists in my life, its that it keeps me praying. Because most days that is ALL I can do...PRAY. I have to say it works and it's less stressful. One year post divorce and I'm finally cutting the final cord, the jointly owned car has now been refinanced at a 1% lower interest rate than I'm currently paying. Some things you just know when God has a hand it in like this one.

I have a new job, quiting my old one after only a year because I was miserable. I believe you can work and be happy so despite the grim economy, my God provided.

I'm truly blessed. I'm happy. I'm surrounded by many wonderful friends who constantly remind me that there is more to life. I get sad though, more than ever nowadays because I miss my family. There have been many days this year when all I have wanted is to just sit and talk to my mom or get a hug from her, hang out with my siblings and enjoy being grown up and watch my dad playing with my son...all that priceless. I think I have to put prayer if full gear because by faith I'm going home for Christmas! Yes, I'm affirming it because I know my God is able.

My prayer now is to be a good mom, find some balance as my son goes through Kindergarten, some patience because God knows they can kill you with all that homework they give. Giving advice to a 5 year old is like talking to a brick wall because they seriously think they are grown up and can figure it out...lol.

Thank you Lord, I made it.

It's amazing what difference time can make. It's amazing the great things God can do in your life. My life is a true testament of how God can change things around in such a mighty way! Two years ago, I was desperate, lost my marriage, was in bad shape money wise, made very little money to support myself and my son. I prayed earnestly, if only I could make X dollars my life would be so much better. I wanted it then, but God had a different plan. It's like I was walking around in the desert and I didn't like it. It hurt and I felt that after all the suffering, I deserved better. God has taught me patience, I'm still learning but two years later, I am making the X dollars I asked God for and more in such a miraculous way!

Do not ever doubt what God can do in your life. Trust him fully and you will experience that he is all you need. I'm still in awe of how God came through for me. I start a new job and essentially a new life. I'm taking 2.5 weeks of vacation, I figured I should, I haven't taken vacay in three years because I always cashed it out. The Bible is not playing when it states that if we pray and call unto God, he will answer our prayers. Pray, ask other people to pray for you, I believe that the prayers of my parents and other people have probably taken me further than my own because I was so distressed, inconsistent and sometimes not believing, but God hears them all. He has answered my prayers yet again!

the times of my life

Sometimes I wonder if my life will ever be different or will forever be haunted by my past, if I will ever be independent of the decisions that I made when I was naïve and didn’t know better, If one day I can sit and not think of the why. Will it just ever be a move forward, a new chapter, the old one forgotten and insignificant?

Sometimes I cry thinking of the hardships I have had to endure the past few years. They cut to the essence of my being, completely tore me apart, left me vulnerable, rock bottom.

Sometimes I imagine how things would have been different. If I would have made it big, If I would be living elsewhere, if I would have gone back home, if I would be happy?

Most times nowadays I’m amazed at how far I have come, how much I have grown, how many people have been by side, how God can do amazing things.

Most times I hate to imagine that I would be living elsewhere, not knowing the people I know now, not knowing the love that surrounds me, not being the confident woman I am.

At all times, I am thankful for the lessons learned, the friendships formed, the knowledge and experience of being downright hopeless and gaining courage to rise to a better day.

The devil is real y'all

I have resigned myself to the fact that there are things and people in this world that I will never understand, will never make sense and I will never figure out. I just haven't been able to write when I read about all the bloodshed in my beloved country and that nasty word..hacking. I will probably write about all my thoughts later. I have my devil to face close to home. Pretty strong word but pretty fitting description.

I started this blog because it reminded me that I'm free to be the person I am and not whom this person who abused me wanted to be. It lets me document how I feel and let steam out in a positive manner. It lets me tell my story so that some other person who may be in the same situation does not feel like they are alone and give hope that things can really change.

I really don't care if my ex ever finds this blog, I would present it to him if I thought it would be helpful to read all the unbelievable stuff he has put us through. He will deny this of course because in some twisted way, he doesn’t see things the same way, in fact he feels like I owe him an apology and a whole lot more.

These past 2 weekends I revived all those bitter memories of control and abuse. I have come a long way because it’s Monday and even though I may feel afraid, I don't feel powerless.

The story is so petty that even when I share it, I try not to demonize this person because he is the father of my son yet the actions and words just speak for themselves.

The story: I am attempting to fix a huge dent in my car left by an accident almost 2 years ago right after my separation. I could not afford the deductible and since my car was driving fine, this was the last thing on list. I am finally able to put this on my list and get this done. I had the insurance company write the check, I got the fabulous rental car and then some part of hell broke loose.

My ex called me bright and early demanding to know why he was not informed that I was fixing my car, in a check written out in his name. Now, he was the insured, I was the driver and now sole owner of the car. The check written out to the body shop, myself and the ex.

Apparently he had called the insurance company and ‘talked’ to the agent handling my case, called the body shop and gave an earful to the owner claiming he would sue him for fraud if he cashed the check.

My ex gave me an earful and I decided to listen and even apologize(this was low). He agreed to sign the check after he had prayed about this ‘issue’ numerous times and even presented it to his bible study group. Makes me wonder if there is some cult business going on somewhere….

After a whole lot of stuff that I didn’t need to hear, he agreed to sign the check, I took it to his house. He met me outside with a bible in hand. He opened the car door and sat next to me in the passenger seat. I would have preferred another arrangement like sign the check through the window and a goodbye. He read some bible verses, one being not repaying evil with evil. According to him, I went behind his back on this ‘issue’, got the check issued and now was using him to help myself. God!!!!!!! He eventually signed the check, but he made the conclusion that I was not ‘getting it’. By this point, I’m pretty sure my blood pressure was dangerously high because I fear this him even though I try to act cool. So when he made the sudden move to reach for his phone, I grabbed my phone and jumped out of the car. This was just his breaking point. He went crazy claiming I was using him and that I just wanted to call the cops and was acting scared just to put him in trouble. He called his prayer partner…yes, true it is and explained how I was using him. I was not getting how I had deceived him so he took he check back claiming he wanted to sign the date on it…why?? Well, only in my weirdest imagination would I have thought that he was going to cross his name out, throw the check back at me and walk away. Yes, he crossed his name out, threw the check at me and walked away. Disbelief, anger, regret, fear, all the emotions I felt in this moment.. Only my faith in God rescued me from sinking deep into an abyss of despair.That man was walking back to take care of my son. I sped out of there shaken and in a complete vaccum.

The smirk on his face was like staring at the devil. I've been here before. It doesn’t make it any easier to deal with. So to summarize this bizarre incident, the ex has gone completely out of his way to make sure I don’t get my car fixed, he doesn’t benefit in the least type of way and neither do I except my car will look and function better but is still willing to harass a number of people and use the bible to 'teach' me a lesson. So in his perfect world, I should have called him when I decided to fix my car, inform him of all my plans, invite him to dinner and ask him politely to sign the check. hmmph. I cannot believe I am spending this amount of time on some BS like this. I will update as I have the strength.

Sad Sad Sad

I have been trying to write a post several times and each time I can't put into words the horror that is happening in my beloved country. I am blessed because I have called my family on a daily basis sometimes more than once a day to find out how things are and if they are ok. They are ok, but we have scores of relatives, friends and people that are not. It was my b-day yesterday and I was glued to the screen trying to figure out what was going on. In the past week I have thought about the lives of those suffering, those killed, it really breaks my heart in so many ways. The stories of mothers watching their kids burn, their husbands hacked. How are these individuals ever supposed to recover with nowhere to start, no support whatsoever?? I refrain from discussing the political situation. I really just emphathise with the everyday common man/woman who has and will suffer just so tremendously. It's senseless, its brutal, lacking in thought, full of self-hatred....the story below was just too much.
http://kenyanemergency.wordpress.com/2008/01/03/we-told-them-to-come-out-of-the-church-but-they-locked-the-door-so-we-burned-them/

I just don't know anymore.