There are times in your life that you meet someone or some people who will profoundly change you from the inside in. It's happened to me a few times, people who loved me and I loved them back, nurtured, taught, rebuked, laughed, tolerated, prayed with....then somehow we loose touch or I move or they move and that relationship is not as vibrant as it was.
I just did the goodbye thing to a family that means a lot to me. I'm totally heartbroken, and I don't cry easy but I did today, because they are just that cool, supportive, loving, intentional christians. What a blessing it has been to spend time with them. I wish I had come out of my cocoon earlier and experienced more of those cherised moments. I wish I had opened myself up more instead of being 'busy'. In the most amazing way God put them in our life and we created an effortless friendship. I hold on to dear friends being that I'm so far from home; my friends mean the world to me.
Kwaheri ya kuonana means "goodbye, I will see you again". It's just to a different city, probably 8 hours away if I were courageous enough or an hour on Southwest should the ding be favorable. This season of life has changed and I'm grateful for the gift of friendship. I'm still heartbroken.
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
RIP Uncle
I got the dreaded call from my aunt. My uncle is no more, the cancer won. I feel like someone just put me in space and I'm floating, just floating going nowhere. I'm trying to feel what my aunt and my cousins are feeling right now; the pain of losing her husband, their dad, my uncle. I don't know what or how to, just like the rest of me, my mind is floating, not really fixed on anything.
I'm crying because it hurts. It hurts that he's gone, it hurts that I'm not there with my family, it hurts that I'm all alone in my apartment. I have to wake up tomorrow morning and go to work as 'usual'.
God I don't know how to deal with this one and I don't even know what to say to my aunt or cousins. I just texted them because there is nothing I could say that would make this better. Lord just take care of this one for me. I surrender. Thank you for the wonderful memories of my uncle. RIP uncle. I will miss you dearly.
I'm crying because it hurts. It hurts that he's gone, it hurts that I'm not there with my family, it hurts that I'm all alone in my apartment. I have to wake up tomorrow morning and go to work as 'usual'.
God I don't know how to deal with this one and I don't even know what to say to my aunt or cousins. I just texted them because there is nothing I could say that would make this better. Lord just take care of this one for me. I surrender. Thank you for the wonderful memories of my uncle. RIP uncle. I will miss you dearly.
some audacity......
The phone rings, and the conversation goes, let's call him Mr X.
Mr. X: Lil man asked me if I was coming to his graduation party this Sunday, so of course I'm calling because I did not have any idea about it...so what is this about?
Silence.
Me: We'll, I don't know what to say, but a friend of mine thought it would be great to have a party for the graduating class and she's hosting it at her house.
Mr. X: We're you going to tell me about this? I have a gift for lil man I can drop it off at the party on Sunday.
Me: It's not really an open invitation, and certainly not a school function. I should probably have mentioned the get together but not at the top of my mind this week.
Mr. X: Lil man is getting caught up in a situation here. It's about what he wants not what you want. I don't see the problem here. You need to put aside your differences......bla bla bla lecture for 5 minutes. I'm I making sense?
Me(thinking and screaming in my head): SENSE! This conversation lacks sense from every angle.
Me(calm): I can put aside my differences for lil man. This is by no means a school function, just a couple friends getting together to celebrate their kids. We don't even do birthdays together so I'm not getting it. You can drop the gift off at my house but the party is off limits.
Bla bla lecture reminiscent of days I would like to forget goes on for 5 more minutes, threatening to show up at the party, I'm the unreasonable parent etc. This is the conversation I had this past weekend and one I will probably have for a good number of years to come. These types of days make me really really sad, deep down and they throw me back to those miserable times, falling into that dark abyss, but just for a minute or the minutes...and I'm upset that I didn't hang up earlier
Sigh.
I promised to stop asking the questions to which there will be no answers but they are still there. What in the world makes someone think that they can treat you like shit, make your life miserable, threaten, misuse, abuse, and then they have the audacity to pout that they don't get invited to YOUR party citing parental involvement? What nerve, what narcissim, what sickness, what madness?
There are days like these why I wonder why God let me go through this and I start to wish I could re-do my life. Then there are the wonderful moments when I reflect on how much I have gained from the terrible experience, and in no way else would I be the person I am now without having gone through this. Thank God that the audacity of hope and faith and love are much greater. A painful circumstance in our life has no power except that which we give it. Just like Jesus who was constantly bombarded with issues from men and women who had the audacity to discredit the son of God himself! When I'm overwhelmed by all the craziness in the world...or of that in my own little world, I'm comforted by Jesus' life and the fact that I have someone to go to who understands. Therein lies my audacity; in Christ alone.
Hebrews 13:6 So we say with confidence, the Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?"
Mr. X: Lil man asked me if I was coming to his graduation party this Sunday, so of course I'm calling because I did not have any idea about it...so what is this about?
Silence.
Me: We'll, I don't know what to say, but a friend of mine thought it would be great to have a party for the graduating class and she's hosting it at her house.
Mr. X: We're you going to tell me about this? I have a gift for lil man I can drop it off at the party on Sunday.
Me: It's not really an open invitation, and certainly not a school function. I should probably have mentioned the get together but not at the top of my mind this week.
Mr. X: Lil man is getting caught up in a situation here. It's about what he wants not what you want. I don't see the problem here. You need to put aside your differences......bla bla bla lecture for 5 minutes. I'm I making sense?
Me(thinking and screaming in my head): SENSE! This conversation lacks sense from every angle.
Me(calm): I can put aside my differences for lil man. This is by no means a school function, just a couple friends getting together to celebrate their kids. We don't even do birthdays together so I'm not getting it. You can drop the gift off at my house but the party is off limits.
Bla bla lecture reminiscent of days I would like to forget goes on for 5 more minutes, threatening to show up at the party, I'm the unreasonable parent etc. This is the conversation I had this past weekend and one I will probably have for a good number of years to come. These types of days make me really really sad, deep down and they throw me back to those miserable times, falling into that dark abyss, but just for a minute or the minutes...and I'm upset that I didn't hang up earlier
Sigh.
I promised to stop asking the questions to which there will be no answers but they are still there. What in the world makes someone think that they can treat you like shit, make your life miserable, threaten, misuse, abuse, and then they have the audacity to pout that they don't get invited to YOUR party citing parental involvement? What nerve, what narcissim, what sickness, what madness?
There are days like these why I wonder why God let me go through this and I start to wish I could re-do my life. Then there are the wonderful moments when I reflect on how much I have gained from the terrible experience, and in no way else would I be the person I am now without having gone through this. Thank God that the audacity of hope and faith and love are much greater. A painful circumstance in our life has no power except that which we give it. Just like Jesus who was constantly bombarded with issues from men and women who had the audacity to discredit the son of God himself! When I'm overwhelmed by all the craziness in the world...or of that in my own little world, I'm comforted by Jesus' life and the fact that I have someone to go to who understands. Therein lies my audacity; in Christ alone.
Hebrews 13:6 So we say with confidence, the Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?"
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
WWJD
Today at work I really need to be beside Jesus because there is a potential for me to get very nasty. I’m not usually the confrontational kind, in fact I rarely find the need to engage people who don’t make a lot of sense and want to create a situation out of nothing. But this woman at work has pushed every imaginable button and just when I think that we are done, she comes up with something more annoying. I am surprised how she can keep outdoing herself on being a total B*. Yes, I said it because no other word comes to mind.
She is not really a coworker…thankfully..but I have to see her every 6 weeks or so to work on a 5 year project..yes, 5 whole years!! Sigh. Being who she is, she has found time to be here 3 times in the last 4 weeks claiming to work on this project….arrrghh. From talking to her, she prefers working in our office because it saves her a 2 hour commute so she’s taken to torturing us so for this reason. Her presence is enough to make me want to take up Yoga seriously because I usually have to count to ten and take a deep breath before I can deal with her.
We never had a good beginning. She came in as a replacement for someone else, and trained with her manager for a while. Between the two of them, I don’t know who is feeding evil to whom. She was trying to prove something(to her boss) at first and so I let it slide. Every time she looked at something in the books that didn’t make sense she would launch into full attack mode immediately assuming that I had messed up and I would somehow end up on the defense even on issues that I didn’t need to be defending. Now it’s developed to the point where she is nitpicking on everything and driving ALL of us in the office crazy. As of 10 am this morning she has consulted me 3 times and all so unnecessary. One of them was that she needed to be shown how to make a double sided copy. She has been here a couple times making copies and double sided copies are not rocket science seeing that we have a copy machine with diagrams and all. So I left my important work cursing under my breath to show her to press the button that couldn’t be more self-explanatory. Talk about putting me in a bad mood and I have a whole day ahead of me! Even worse it’s taking a jab at all the great community virtues that I gassed up on over the weekend retreat.
My goal today is to put my Christian mode on full alert- as I should be all the time. I’m praying that I can be loving, patient and Christ like…like WWJD kind of thing. Really what would Jesus do in a situation like this?
She is not really a coworker…thankfully..but I have to see her every 6 weeks or so to work on a 5 year project..yes, 5 whole years!! Sigh. Being who she is, she has found time to be here 3 times in the last 4 weeks claiming to work on this project….arrrghh. From talking to her, she prefers working in our office because it saves her a 2 hour commute so she’s taken to torturing us so for this reason. Her presence is enough to make me want to take up Yoga seriously because I usually have to count to ten and take a deep breath before I can deal with her.
We never had a good beginning. She came in as a replacement for someone else, and trained with her manager for a while. Between the two of them, I don’t know who is feeding evil to whom. She was trying to prove something(to her boss) at first and so I let it slide. Every time she looked at something in the books that didn’t make sense she would launch into full attack mode immediately assuming that I had messed up and I would somehow end up on the defense even on issues that I didn’t need to be defending. Now it’s developed to the point where she is nitpicking on everything and driving ALL of us in the office crazy. As of 10 am this morning she has consulted me 3 times and all so unnecessary. One of them was that she needed to be shown how to make a double sided copy. She has been here a couple times making copies and double sided copies are not rocket science seeing that we have a copy machine with diagrams and all. So I left my important work cursing under my breath to show her to press the button that couldn’t be more self-explanatory. Talk about putting me in a bad mood and I have a whole day ahead of me! Even worse it’s taking a jab at all the great community virtues that I gassed up on over the weekend retreat.
My goal today is to put my Christian mode on full alert- as I should be all the time. I’m praying that I can be loving, patient and Christ like…like WWJD kind of thing. Really what would Jesus do in a situation like this?
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
May your will be done
Today I received a phone call from my aunt whom I haven't spoken to in a while. My aunt and uncle live in the suburbs of Philadelphia. I was in Philly couple months ago and tried to figure out where they lived last minute and somehow it didn't work out. My uncle finished his ministry degree last summer and was headed back to Kenya when he fell ill. I have known my uncle has been sick for a while now..something with his bladder I was told, and he was receiving medical care.
See this wasn't just any type of phone call, it was my aunt letting me know that my uncle is probably going to die. He was diagnosed with bladder cancer and has been in treatment on and off. Two hours before my aunt called, the doctor had let them know that the tumors had spread to his brain.
How can you have a normal conversation under such circumstances? The conversation with my aunt was borderline mechanical with me fighting to be present enough to embrace the reality of what she was saying. I was going down a list of whys in my head. I was filled with so much guilt. I had been planning on calling them since the beginning of the year and could possibly have visited with them two months ago. Now my uncle is lying in the hospital unable to eat, speak or do anything for himself. My aunt was strong, she said that they were waiting on God. I tried to find all the right words to say, we spoke about my son as diversion and how grown he is. I said that I was sorry, for not calling, so sorry for not being there, sorry for all the heartache she is going through.
I kept myself from crying and pushed the emotions back to where they are tucked deep inside. What I'm holding back is deeper than just my uncle. If I start crying I will have to cry for my grandmother, for my cousin, for my aunt, all the people in my family I have lost while I'm this far away. All those that I'm yet to mourn, those that I somehow keep alive in my memories and it makes it as if they are not really gone. I have a coping mechanism, call it denial or what you may but it works. It has helped me get over the most extreme of my circumstances in this land of lonely. So for now I will not cry. I want to remember my uncle as the teacher, the gentle soul, balding head, gap in his smile, house on the edge of Nakuru town.
He is not in any pain and he seems at peace according to my aunt. I'm so grateful I got to speak with my aunt today. I however regret that I was lacking in the comfort she may need right now. I know God can work miracles, should we be praying for healing? At what point do we accept death as reality? I told her that we will pray for God's will and that is what I'm doing today. Even though I don't know what to pray for, it's comforting that I can surrender it to God and ask for his will to be done.
See this wasn't just any type of phone call, it was my aunt letting me know that my uncle is probably going to die. He was diagnosed with bladder cancer and has been in treatment on and off. Two hours before my aunt called, the doctor had let them know that the tumors had spread to his brain.
How can you have a normal conversation under such circumstances? The conversation with my aunt was borderline mechanical with me fighting to be present enough to embrace the reality of what she was saying. I was going down a list of whys in my head. I was filled with so much guilt. I had been planning on calling them since the beginning of the year and could possibly have visited with them two months ago. Now my uncle is lying in the hospital unable to eat, speak or do anything for himself. My aunt was strong, she said that they were waiting on God. I tried to find all the right words to say, we spoke about my son as diversion and how grown he is. I said that I was sorry, for not calling, so sorry for not being there, sorry for all the heartache she is going through.
I kept myself from crying and pushed the emotions back to where they are tucked deep inside. What I'm holding back is deeper than just my uncle. If I start crying I will have to cry for my grandmother, for my cousin, for my aunt, all the people in my family I have lost while I'm this far away. All those that I'm yet to mourn, those that I somehow keep alive in my memories and it makes it as if they are not really gone. I have a coping mechanism, call it denial or what you may but it works. It has helped me get over the most extreme of my circumstances in this land of lonely. So for now I will not cry. I want to remember my uncle as the teacher, the gentle soul, balding head, gap in his smile, house on the edge of Nakuru town.
He is not in any pain and he seems at peace according to my aunt. I'm so grateful I got to speak with my aunt today. I however regret that I was lacking in the comfort she may need right now. I know God can work miracles, should we be praying for healing? At what point do we accept death as reality? I told her that we will pray for God's will and that is what I'm doing today. Even though I don't know what to pray for, it's comforting that I can surrender it to God and ask for his will to be done.
Sunday, June 7, 2009
I am weak but He is strong
God's unique way of moving and stirring people up for his own glory continually amazes me and I am really overwhelmed by the events of this weekend at the church retreat. My heart had been in a prayerful mode and I was very much expecting from God. I was really humbled by the opportunity to share something and in a way only God could make possible. Those sincere thoughts put on paper to express the deepest of emotions and the desire to connect with the church community could very well have been written by anyone in the congregation.
1 Cor 1:27 "But God chose the foolish things of the world that he might put to shame them that are wise; and God chose the weak things of the world that he might put to shame the things that are strong".
Something that I thought was an emotional rant delivered by the most unlikely speaker, me, and yet when I read those thoughts I knew it was beyond me, that God had prepared this moment and ordained it for his people. God was abundant in that room of expectant hearts and minds. The thought of me sharing at a gathering like this unimaginable to me from every level, because I do not feel worthy of it, I'm afraid to speak in front of people and I certainly do not feel like a qualified christian, yet weak as I am, God let me know that I'm ok. That I can come into his presence and in the presence of his people just as I am for his own glory.
I'm so grateful for the leadership and friendship that pushes to create the best in us and in what God has planned.
Lord let this desire to pursue you only climb to greater heights. Let the community that you have created thrive and continue to grow all for your glory.
1 Cor 1:27 "But God chose the foolish things of the world that he might put to shame them that are wise; and God chose the weak things of the world that he might put to shame the things that are strong".
Something that I thought was an emotional rant delivered by the most unlikely speaker, me, and yet when I read those thoughts I knew it was beyond me, that God had prepared this moment and ordained it for his people. God was abundant in that room of expectant hearts and minds. The thought of me sharing at a gathering like this unimaginable to me from every level, because I do not feel worthy of it, I'm afraid to speak in front of people and I certainly do not feel like a qualified christian, yet weak as I am, God let me know that I'm ok. That I can come into his presence and in the presence of his people just as I am for his own glory.
I'm so grateful for the leadership and friendship that pushes to create the best in us and in what God has planned.
Lord let this desire to pursue you only climb to greater heights. Let the community that you have created thrive and continue to grow all for your glory.
Thursday, June 4, 2009
No Worries
"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus".
Phillipians 4:6-7
Going to be at a church retreat this weekend. I can't wait! I miss the outdoors, the sun, forests, water bodies, uniterrupted landscape. Hopefully will be a great time to unwind, pray and rejuvinate. Lots going on, my uncle is seriously ill with bladder cancer and chemo has really taken a toll on him...I'm in denial. I want to have great memories of my uncle whom I visited over my school breaks. I will have to keep Phillippians 4 in my mind. God please take away the pain that Uncle has, give him peace, heal him, let your will be done.
Monday, June 1, 2009
State of Mind, Matter of the Heart
A bit of confusion, a bit of sadness
Why does it not make sense?
A bit apprehensive, about this madness
Trying to be simple but I end up tense
It was all supposed to be so harmless
But now I'm caught up so dense
my heart just wants some tenderness
should there be an expense
to that which leaves me breathless
with emotions so intense
at times searching in darkness
for a remedy to this nonsense
so called love, oh my goodness!
Why does it not make sense?
A bit apprehensive, about this madness
Trying to be simple but I end up tense
It was all supposed to be so harmless
But now I'm caught up so dense
my heart just wants some tenderness
should there be an expense
to that which leaves me breathless
with emotions so intense
at times searching in darkness
for a remedy to this nonsense
so called love, oh my goodness!
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