pondering true love

I write a lot when I’m down, but today I thought I would write when I’m up. I recently messed up big time. Something that I had done followed me and was attacking my inner peace. Even after writing the previous post about accepting freedom and leaving guilt behind, I was feeling pretty down. But I prayed consistently putting all my worries, anger….laying them all out to God because I know he is the only one who can give peace. 

I am a witness that God is faithful and his grace is sufficient for whatever step of life we are in. I am just beginning to peel the layers of understanding how truly loved I am. God cannot do any more for me than what is already done. He paid the ultimate sacrifice. God could not love me any more than he does right now. He doesn’t love me less when I’m straying, and he doesn’t love me more when I’m being “good”. 

When we meditate on his word, he reveals himself to us. I think it is because we are still and waiting upon him. I recently joined this inductive Bible study. Even though I just met these fellow believers, whenever we study the word of God and dig deeper not only I’m I encouraged, I have realized how “sweet” the Word of God is for lack of a better word. The book of John showing Jesus’ life just leaves me speechless at how amazingly cool Jesus was. But above all, full of grace, wisdom, holiness and really focused on fulfilling his mission on earth based on God’s love for us. 

God is love. Accept that, ponder on it, apply it.

Ephesians 3:16-19

I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.

Transition: spiritual freedom

The spiritual transition has been hard to write on and I have had to stop, contemplate  and start again. In the last couple of years I have been ‘feeling’  that something wasn’t right. The comfort of life just wasn’t so appealing anymore even when ‘all things’ were going right. Roughly five years ago I was in a tight spot, my life was a mess, I was starting my life over and I had no one to hang onto but Jesus. I remember crying out to him and making promises and thinking how much I wanted to be obedient to him. God restored me, he restored my hope and vision for a bright future. Well apparently human beings suffer from great amnesia when it comes to what God has done for us and I’m no exception. Life got comfortable. The more comfortable I got, the less reliant on God I became.  Peace out God.

Prayers and bible reading more or less happened in church and when I felt guilty at home-which wasn’t that often. I was a good person, obeying most of the laws. If I had been reading my bible, I would know that Jesus rebuked the Pharisees for keeping the laws and not understanding truth. There is nothing wrong with being comfortable, but as Christians, stagnation can signal a much deeper problem.

True relationship with Jesus calls us to mature and keep growing, abounding in love, active in our faith, being filled with the spirit (Phillipians 1:9, Philemon1:6, Col 1:9 etc). 

I wasn’t doing much growing. Slowly my spiritual cistern was draining and I was struggling to keep up with everything.  People in church seem almost too perfect with no (spiritual) problems and certainly from the outside it didn’t seem like I should have any issues. Just like a car in neutral gear, I trudged along. My friend wikipedia states that the neutral gear "disengages all gear trains within the transmission, effectively disconnecting the transmission from the driven roadwheels, so the vehicle is able to move freely under its own weight and gain momentum without the motive force from the engine." Wow, that perfectly describes me in this situation, disengaging from my very source of strength and allowing my own strength to move me. No wonder I haven't been getting far! It seemed to work perfectly for a while, but what good is it if a car is disengaged from the engine? 

I seriously started(and continue) seeking God and I figured that a weekly prayer meeting might be the start. It’s amazing that when we seek God and open ourselves up to him, he hears us.  Jeremiah 29:12 says “Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you”,  and continues in Jeremiah 33:3 “Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know.” God has been showing me things, things in me that I need to root out, showing me that I need to be in his presence daily if I’m to win this spiritual battle. To surrender.(yikes).

 Surrendering is the hardest thing to do for this independent minded-woman.

I started this post a week ago and while contemplating my thoughts, the pastor spoke about the freedom we should experience when we come to Christ. The Christian walk should be the most burden-free, since Jesus already paid for our shame and guilt and purchased our freedom.  When I come to Jesus, I can be assured that all my ugliness is lifted.

This is such a relief, because I have been examining myself and have been so distraught at my humanness, my imperfections; being angry, judging others, not doing for others, impatience, bitterness, conduct that I know would shame Jesus for the PRICE he paid for me.  I have questioned myself, my faith, my life-everything. Even with this knowledge, I have not kept the discipline and have done things I do not want to do; in short, I’m continually frustrated by myself. Sigh. How could I ever overcome ME and be the godly woman I desire and fulfill God’s will for my life?

We can all relate to this type of brokenness , we cannot relate to perfection that is sometimes expected of believers. It is humbling to know that God used people who were not perfect to fulfill his promises. Noah, Moses, David, Apostle Paul just to name a few did horrendous things BUT most importantly, they surrendered their lives to God’s grace.  I can attest that sin is strong and temptations are plenty, BUT our God has always been and continues to be greater.   I heard a preacher on radio state that as Christians we never graduate to the point where we are above grace. How true! We need God’s grace continuously if we are to abide in this freedom.

I don’t have to walk around feeling guilty and burdened.  I need to seek him and the accept the grace he offers and grow in my experience of him so that I don't take this grace lightly.  I’m committed to be in this journey of studying and understanding the word of God, waiting in expectancy as God shows me “great and unsearchable things I do not know”.

John 8:32: “If you hold to my teaching, you are really my disciples.  Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”