The devil is real y'all

I have resigned myself to the fact that there are things and people in this world that I will never understand, will never make sense and I will never figure out. I just haven't been able to write when I read about all the bloodshed in my beloved country and that nasty word..hacking. I will probably write about all my thoughts later. I have my devil to face close to home. Pretty strong word but pretty fitting description.

I started this blog because it reminded me that I'm free to be the person I am and not whom this person who abused me wanted to be. It lets me document how I feel and let steam out in a positive manner. It lets me tell my story so that some other person who may be in the same situation does not feel like they are alone and give hope that things can really change.

I really don't care if my ex ever finds this blog, I would present it to him if I thought it would be helpful to read all the unbelievable stuff he has put us through. He will deny this of course because in some twisted way, he doesn’t see things the same way, in fact he feels like I owe him an apology and a whole lot more.

These past 2 weekends I revived all those bitter memories of control and abuse. I have come a long way because it’s Monday and even though I may feel afraid, I don't feel powerless.

The story is so petty that even when I share it, I try not to demonize this person because he is the father of my son yet the actions and words just speak for themselves.

The story: I am attempting to fix a huge dent in my car left by an accident almost 2 years ago right after my separation. I could not afford the deductible and since my car was driving fine, this was the last thing on list. I am finally able to put this on my list and get this done. I had the insurance company write the check, I got the fabulous rental car and then some part of hell broke loose.

My ex called me bright and early demanding to know why he was not informed that I was fixing my car, in a check written out in his name. Now, he was the insured, I was the driver and now sole owner of the car. The check written out to the body shop, myself and the ex.

Apparently he had called the insurance company and ‘talked’ to the agent handling my case, called the body shop and gave an earful to the owner claiming he would sue him for fraud if he cashed the check.

My ex gave me an earful and I decided to listen and even apologize(this was low). He agreed to sign the check after he had prayed about this ‘issue’ numerous times and even presented it to his bible study group. Makes me wonder if there is some cult business going on somewhere….

After a whole lot of stuff that I didn’t need to hear, he agreed to sign the check, I took it to his house. He met me outside with a bible in hand. He opened the car door and sat next to me in the passenger seat. I would have preferred another arrangement like sign the check through the window and a goodbye. He read some bible verses, one being not repaying evil with evil. According to him, I went behind his back on this ‘issue’, got the check issued and now was using him to help myself. God!!!!!!! He eventually signed the check, but he made the conclusion that I was not ‘getting it’. By this point, I’m pretty sure my blood pressure was dangerously high because I fear this him even though I try to act cool. So when he made the sudden move to reach for his phone, I grabbed my phone and jumped out of the car. This was just his breaking point. He went crazy claiming I was using him and that I just wanted to call the cops and was acting scared just to put him in trouble. He called his prayer partner…yes, true it is and explained how I was using him. I was not getting how I had deceived him so he took he check back claiming he wanted to sign the date on it…why?? Well, only in my weirdest imagination would I have thought that he was going to cross his name out, throw the check back at me and walk away. Yes, he crossed his name out, threw the check at me and walked away. Disbelief, anger, regret, fear, all the emotions I felt in this moment.. Only my faith in God rescued me from sinking deep into an abyss of despair.That man was walking back to take care of my son. I sped out of there shaken and in a complete vaccum.

The smirk on his face was like staring at the devil. I've been here before. It doesn’t make it any easier to deal with. So to summarize this bizarre incident, the ex has gone completely out of his way to make sure I don’t get my car fixed, he doesn’t benefit in the least type of way and neither do I except my car will look and function better but is still willing to harass a number of people and use the bible to 'teach' me a lesson. So in his perfect world, I should have called him when I decided to fix my car, inform him of all my plans, invite him to dinner and ask him politely to sign the check. hmmph. I cannot believe I am spending this amount of time on some BS like this. I will update as I have the strength.

The names you call

Is it possible that it blows my mind
Every time you disrespect
And names to call somehow find
Despite the disconnect

It makes no difference if I am kind
Or if I am correct
You spew bile and feel so inclined
My emotions to affect

To your insults, I am no longer blind
How dare your insecurities project
By names you call, I will not be defined
My integrity will protect

Make no mistake you will not keep me behind
I sit and reflect
On God’s plan refined
It is more than I could expect

Even though our lives are entwined
I know better than you suspect
I am a woman greatly designed
To a higher calling more perfect

Than in the names you call

still blessed

The paradox of life, just when you think you are sailing smoothly some storm starts to brew out of nowhere, the waves start rising, the sharks start to attack and even the friendly sea creatures turn hostile. Then you start to wonder, was I dreaming or did things just take a turn? Then there is that moment when you decide whether to take this all in stride or to let it overwhelm you. I know the latter intimately. I just start to get upset, curse my bad fortune and cry. I realize that I’m confused and don’t really know what to do. I start to hope that the storm calms down soon or else I won’t be able to handle it. I don’t really know what to do! Should I steer straight on or turn back? Should I call for help? Did I see this coming, if not, why didn’t I? Maybe I did, but I didn’t think it would be such a big deal. Now I’m accepting the reality of this life. I journal to remind myself of how far I’ve come, how much I have learnt, the mistakes I made, the triumphs, the drama that we live in. I’m still blessed.

Yesterday after I wrote my piece on being blessed, I encountered some serious drama. It set me back for a minute and I even thought about it waking up this morning and I wanted to cry. The greatest reason I wasn’t fuming was because my son was there and his dad was causing the drama. It is such a paralyzing place to be. On one hand I would want to cut off all contact with this person, but I know better, I will have to put up with the BS for a good portion of my life and the sooner I learn to deal with it the better. I not only do it for my son, but for myself as well. Because I know you could get drama anywhere anyhow. Someone at work started some type of drama. When I say drama, it means unnecessary craziness that doesn’t even have to exist in the first place. In the midst of all this, I find that I got a ticket for ‘jumping’ a red light! WTH? A whopping $90 and I’m pissed. I’m a good driver and I know this intersection is notorious for the camera action. Since it was about a month ago, my recollection is hazy but I’m still going to contest it. *Sigh*

I’m doing better with my life. It’s frustrating not to have total control over my situation but I’m determined to have a better attitude regardless of what drama comes my way. I guess I will steer straight into the storm, I think I know when to call for help. But now I need to focus on getting to the calm. I’m getting to a point where I know God has my back because for while I doubted. I can feel some divine intervention going on that is beyond me. I’m still blessed.