Reflections in the new year!

Wow, 2012! My blogging has really slacked off. I'm stuffed to my neck in posts I want to write. So much has happened in the last few months. Good things, bad things...

School
Inching away at this. Taking two classes each semester with a full time job and being a full time soccer mom was probably biting off more than I could chew. So needless to say the fall season was extremely busy for me. I survived. God, you know only by your hand. You brought along a partner in one of my class whom we were able to brainstorm and make it through the worst of it. You gave me strength and ideas for my other class that had an "interesting" group of students. My grandmother passed away close to thanksgiving and right around the last couple of weeks. Even though I gave it my all most of the time, I would have been happy with a B in those classes considering the circumstances. I managed to score As in both of my classes - Amen! I have been consistently amazed at how the Lord has blessed me in my school work not only in excelling but in showing me that I'm in the right place as I thoroughly enjoy my classes.

Work
I started this job slightly more than a year ago. I'm praising God and I have to remember to praise whenever the work politics and disappointments hit. My work place is badly managed and I don't feel like I'm using my abilities to the fullest. Worst of all, I don't feel like I have a voice or any suggestions stay on paper. So frustration is the name of the game here. Lawd help me!

Family
My son will be entering double digits in a year. God, you are great! The challenges have followed as I balance school/activity schedule and also help him to feel like his life is normal despite having two households. Birthdays are always the most challenging. Should we do two birthday parties..he wants a sleepover...arrgh. I need divine intervention. Arranging a bday party with a narcissist is a chore, because they always want to have it their way. I want my son to be happy, so sometimes I feel like I'm compromising..but it's not about me is it? I may need to seek professional help.

Relationship
I do not like attention so upcoming nuptials are putting a bit of a strain. Should we make everyone happy, or should we just ignore that and do what we want?

Spiritual
I've not been 'feeling' my regular church so the past year has been spent church hopping (or not) but I feel that God has led me to a worship place that I can connect right in my hood- seriously blocks away from me is this wonderful church. I have been so challenged and blessed being here.

Reflection:
When I look at where I have come from and where I'm going, I'm not sure how people make it without God. I am hoping to make this year, the one which I trust God fully, have faith and take his leading. My joy and happiness can only be within the confines of what God has in store and I can't wait to see it unfold. This is a year of major leaps in relationship, work, living and I'm lifting it all up to the master, the one who knew me from the beginning and will take me to the end. Jeremiah 29:11.

2012 here I come.

Choose to love

It’s a funny thing about love
We dream about it
Write songs about it
Go chasing after it
Sometimes in the wrong places
Most times with the wrong people
But almost always
Unprepared for what we might find
Not without, but within ourselves
Unprepared to be vulnerable,
Unprepared to not be right
Unprepared to love and to be loved
It’s a funny thing about love
To welcome it
We must discard the fantasies
Accept to be vulnerable
Accept to forgive
Accept ourselves
Then and only then will we discover
That love has always been around us
Waiting a prepared heart
That chooses to love

Thought for today

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.”

C.S. Lewis

The man of my dreams

I have no doubt that God has a special plan for my life and the man of my dreams. So while I wait to take that step, I will prepare myself to be the woman of my man’s dreams. I have learned a few relationship lessons in life; most importantly that you cannot change someone, you can only change yourself. I pray that I may be the woman that HE wants to share his life with. Lord I have prayed so much for the man that I will share my life with so I’m writing down my thoughts about this man of my dreams.

The man I will marry is loving and compassionate. He has a big heart for people and is willing to reach out to others. He is ambitious and pursues his hearts passions while providing for his family. Although a man should be a good provider, I believe the first thing every man should give his woman is himself. So I know that I will not have to worry about other people coming into our life and dismantling, confusing, upheaving our life because we have let them.

The man I will marry will be a role model for my son. He will teach him respect and honor. Teach him patience and forgiveness. He will teach him integrity and show him that a true man loves, a true man forgives, and a true man is always there for his family in good or bad. A true man is able to step up when a situation warrants it, not cower and run away from responsibility.

The man I will marry will do everything under the sun to make sure that our relationship is working. Even when we disagree and fight, I know that the man I will marry is complete and sure about the love that we have, just as I will be. He is willing to be humble and work on the relationship, and is not afraid to ask for help if the need arises. He will put his family before himself.

The man I will marry respects my family. There will be no compromise here. I know that he will do his level best to keep things smooth.

The man I will marry will put God first as the head of the home. He will seek to be a godly man and seek wise Christian counsel. He will make sure that his family is spiritually sound.

The man I will marry will want to grow: grow in his Christian walk, grow in his character, grow old with me.

In the meantime, I will continue to work on me. To work on the woman of HIS dreams as I prepare to be with the man of my dreams.

This ring

With this ring you pledged your love
With this ring came much happiness
With this ring you promised a lifetime
With this ring a new dream was born
With this ring you would be my partner in life
Now this ring is a reminder
Of love, happiness, promises, dreams, life
Deferred
Now this ring brings sadness and tears
Feeling abandoned and shamed
This love
Agonizing, broken, fleeting
This ring
Beautiful, Whole, precious

Truth and Reality

When you finally see the truth, it’s like your eyes are opened for the very first time, and you can see clearly, you understand; and you are sad because the reality you lived in, was only a fraction of the truth. It was real, but it was not complete. It was not the truth. Sometimes as human beings we know, we sense, but we don’t want to uncover the truth because it might hurt, because it could move us, because it may be uncomfortable, but we forfeit peace, love and happiness. See, the truth sets you free, truth is universal and eternal; reality is relative and finite. Once reality ends, and if we choose truth, our eyes are opened; we can never go back because we are free. Truth sets us free. Jesus said, "I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me. John 14:6. If we choose Jesus, we choose truth. Apart from him everything is relative and finite. He is universal and eternal.

Healing

I am discouraged
once again I thought I could
But I can’t
Not with all this pain
My heart is fragile
How can I go on dear Lord?
Tell me how can I go on?
You tell me one step at a time
But my face is clouded with tears
And I would rather see the Promised Land
But you tell me one step at a time
Not with all this pain
My heart is broken
But you tell me you are with me
Yes Lord I know
I hold on to you dear Jesus
Your eye is on the sparrow
So I know you watch over me
I pray for strength to move
I pray for faith to step
I pray for forgiveness
Take this burden so I’m free
How can I go on dear Lord?
You say I can
So I believe in you
I believe in your word
I can go on

Lord take this hurt

It hurts to think
It hurts to sleep
My dreams haunt me
My to be life extraordinaire
Now my nightmare

It hurts to love
It hurts to be hurt
My heart is broken
My to be life extraordinaire
Now just a crazy idea?

The things I liked
Are just passing me by
My God, how did I get here?
Did I loose sight,
Of what you desire my life to be?

The things I planned
Now just seem obscured
By all this hurt
Help me gain but a mustard seed
Size of faith to see the sun

If I know one thing
Is in You I have hope
I give you my hurt
Heal me Lord
Turn it into a blessing

In place of all the hurt
I accept your grace and pardon
For peace and joy are mine
And a new vision
To keep on loving

the one who holds me

I found out a friend moved to a different continent for good. She is a great friend. She did not tell me and that hurt a little, but I completely understand-because I have often felt the same way many many times. That I could just wake up one day and put together everything I have and move back home, closer to family and closer to peace. So I'm a tad bit jealous that she had so much courage to do that which I have been wishing BUT even more so INCREDIBLY happy for her!
As for me, every day this month has been an incredible journey to finding myself...yeah 30 and still searching...the great news is that I finally had the courage to face the truth-my hope is built on nothing less than Jesus blood and righteousness. He is the beginning and the end. I'm incredibly excited...even though I have been a christian a long time, it's been an journey and I'm learning everyday to trust in the one who made me. My heart is rejoicing-even though there are a bunch of challenges ahead of me. I know that I can be confident that the one one who holds my heart also holds the future. It's incredibly great to know God experience true love and peace.

this headache

I have a headache and it's telling of what my life feels like right now. I'm overwhelmed by many decisions I have had to make recently and in just the past 24 hrs, I've gone from being a confident single mother to feeling like a failure and lacking a sense of direction. I can't even write, I will go to bed.
"You don't have to worry and don't you be afraid, joy comes in the morning, troubles may not last always, for there is a friend in Jesus, who will wipe your tears away and if your heart is broken, just lift your hands and say...I know that I can make it, with him I know I can stand, no matter what may come my way, my life is in his hands" Thank God for songs that make sense.

State of Mind, Matter of the Heart

A bit of confusion, a bit of sadness
Why does it not make sense?
A bit apprehensive, about this madness
Trying to be simple but I end up tense
It was all supposed to be so harmless
But now I'm caught up so dense
my heart just wants some tenderness
should there be an expense
to that which leaves me breathless
with emotions so intense
at times searching in darkness
for a remedy to this nonsense
so called love, oh my goodness!

some niceness..

I met a nice person yesterday, for lack of a better description. I just haven’t ran into a complete stranger who responded like this person did. Scene: the bathroom. My son had bumped into another kid at the birthday party and was bleeding from digging his tooth on his lip. He was in shock because he could see all the blood coming out and he kept spitting saliva and blood. So I was trying to be comforting in the bathroom, ignoring other users and trying to clean up my son’s mouth making sure he did not have a more serious injury. This lady, while washing her hands, noted my predicament and offered to get some ice if I needed it. A minute later she was back with a cup of ice and she had asked the restaurant staff for a waterproof cloth so I could put the ice in it. I was happy that someone had been so thoughtful and it helped ease my son’s pain and bleeding. She actually stood with me for the next 5 or so minutes in the bathroom, getting tissues and waiting for the bleeding to subside. She was so helpful and so good at reassuring my son that he would be ok. After my son was feeling better she introduced herself and happened to be one of the host’s friends. I had seen her earlier but she was sited at a different table, she also asked if we would join them since they now had more space at their table. If you have been to one of these parties, you know they can be pretty hectic, loud and full of hyperactive kids.
What I thought would be just another birthday party for my son to enjoy turned out to be quite the enjoyable evening for all where I met some pretty cool people. The lady at the bathroom; she works with kids, counseling, what a fitting career! Even more, the group I met attends a church that I have been contemplating visiting and now I will.

I feel loved

A thousand words could never express
this feeling
this comfort
this assurance

You have changed my world in excess
of my imagination
my expectations
my dreams

I cherish the friendship we possess
that nurtures
that’s honest
that’s real

So I’m writing to confess
my love
my happiness
my contentment

when I’m with you and even
when you’re not near

I feel absolutely loved

Love at first sight?

When I first saw him, I knew
My stomach flipped and fluttered
My heart pumped ever so fast
Could this be?

When he spoke, I knew
My, oh my the confidence
Of his words ever so sweet
Could this be?

When he took my hand, I knew
That I would never be
Ever so content without him
Could this be?

When he kissed me, I knew
My, oh my the warmth
Of that not so subtle embrace
Could this be?

When I said goodbye, I knew
Of the ache that would come
With every passing thought
Could this be?

When I said goodbye, I knew
To dream is ordinary
But this was not mine
It wouldn’t be.

When I said goodbye, I knew
I would find it again
Just not in this moment
It wasn’t meant to be.