some wow stuff

The past week has been extremely amazing in so many ways. A lot of thoughts I haven’t put down lately.
First I know I’m so blessed to be surrounded by such loving people. I love my own company but I thrive on being around people and just enjoy being. So this past week has been more than magical with people graduating and so lots of get-togethers. There is nothing sweeter to the ears and eyes than a room full of people laughing, eating, kids cooing, just feeling the love all around. I look at my life just over a year ago which was so full of sadness and I know there is a God. Only God could have done this. I was so emotional this weekend. I spoke to my son’s father and it was not a very good 1 minute conversation rather accusatory at best and when I thought about it I kept crying, not because of what he said but because I was in such a better place in my life, that I was experiencing such unconditional love, that I was sharing some great life accomplishments with people who mean a lot to me and his comments to me faded in that light. It didn’t matter what he thought. It doesn’t matter anymore. I had that self-realization and it was so healthy but I couldn’t stop crying because it felt so good. I am living an answered prayer and he cannot take that away from me.
I ran into some old friends too. It’s such a thrill to meet someone you haven’t seen in years. You don’t even know what to say. My high school roommate, Lawd, it’s such a small world! We haven’t changed much in 10 years…ten friggin years!! Wow. It was nice to see them minus the uniform and just how fabulous everyone looks. My ex-bf….now this one was tough. I said I was ok but I was so uncomfortable. Truth is I loved and I mean looved the guy but broke up with him because I didn’t think he was on the same level. Just like that picked up the phone and said my peace. (I was 20 and amateur at this stuff but I imagine a phone break up is bad). I was really heartbroken. So since I found out he was coming, I hadn’t been thinking str8. He didn’t ask about my life, I didn’t volunteer..we did some chitchat and I wanted to break the ice but I didn’t have the guts…he’s gone and I guess that ship has sailed.sigh.. I thought I had worked on the coulda shouldas but I couldn’t sleep thinking what the best reaction shoulda been. In the least I hope I can mend some bridges.
This was my friend’s weekend, didn’t want to make about me, I may have in some way, darn it. Hey, I’m still a work in progress. I guess the best lesson I’ve learnt so far is to forgive myself, learn and move on.

still blessed

The paradox of life, just when you think you are sailing smoothly some storm starts to brew out of nowhere, the waves start rising, the sharks start to attack and even the friendly sea creatures turn hostile. Then you start to wonder, was I dreaming or did things just take a turn? Then there is that moment when you decide whether to take this all in stride or to let it overwhelm you. I know the latter intimately. I just start to get upset, curse my bad fortune and cry. I realize that I’m confused and don’t really know what to do. I start to hope that the storm calms down soon or else I won’t be able to handle it. I don’t really know what to do! Should I steer straight on or turn back? Should I call for help? Did I see this coming, if not, why didn’t I? Maybe I did, but I didn’t think it would be such a big deal. Now I’m accepting the reality of this life. I journal to remind myself of how far I’ve come, how much I have learnt, the mistakes I made, the triumphs, the drama that we live in. I’m still blessed.

Yesterday after I wrote my piece on being blessed, I encountered some serious drama. It set me back for a minute and I even thought about it waking up this morning and I wanted to cry. The greatest reason I wasn’t fuming was because my son was there and his dad was causing the drama. It is such a paralyzing place to be. On one hand I would want to cut off all contact with this person, but I know better, I will have to put up with the BS for a good portion of my life and the sooner I learn to deal with it the better. I not only do it for my son, but for myself as well. Because I know you could get drama anywhere anyhow. Someone at work started some type of drama. When I say drama, it means unnecessary craziness that doesn’t even have to exist in the first place. In the midst of all this, I find that I got a ticket for ‘jumping’ a red light! WTH? A whopping $90 and I’m pissed. I’m a good driver and I know this intersection is notorious for the camera action. Since it was about a month ago, my recollection is hazy but I’m still going to contest it. *Sigh*

I’m doing better with my life. It’s frustrating not to have total control over my situation but I’m determined to have a better attitude regardless of what drama comes my way. I guess I will steer straight into the storm, I think I know when to call for help. But now I need to focus on getting to the calm. I’m getting to a point where I know God has my back because for while I doubted. I can feel some divine intervention going on that is beyond me. I’m still blessed.

The glass is half-full

I’ve been feeling so blessed and wanting to blog about it for the past week. Not because my life is going superbly well, on the contrary, there is still a ton of madness going in my life, lot of uncertainties. But somehow the divine power has been able to still my soul to see beyond these circumstances and revel in the blessings. I don’t know how, in fact I’ve been holding my breath wondering if this is something temporary. There are a few things I can pinpoint in my life that have really helped me grow to this realization and attitude towards life.

I have been reading Iyanla’s book, “In the Meantime”. I read it in portions because it’s a lil deep and a sista needs the time to ruminate on the content. I have had a few hallelujah moments while reading this book and it has been very practical in my life. “Honoring, respecting and supporting myself by believing I can achieve what I want without compromising my values”, is a theme that Iyanla explores in the beginning chapters and I wouldn’t do it justice paraphrasing it. I’ve tried to explain to couple of my friends, it seems like ‘life and love 101’ but so hard to explain. I just know I got it, my light bulb moment!

I have also spent a considerable amount of time honoring relationships in my life. I thrive in company and really enjoy spending time with friends and family. But when I was going through the rough road, I withdrew partly because I was ashamed of my situation, held pity parties for myself and mostly because I just didn’t feel good enough to establish new relationships or keep up with the old ones. I didn’t feel confident to share who I was and I didn’t even know who I had become. So I just sat at home.

That has changed considerably. My motivation being my lil man; to find a family of friends where he and I could belong and share. It was important for me to see my son thrive in a community of loving relationships. My immediate family is far, so my friends are my family. It has taken a lot to come out of my comfort zone. I wanted my son to see that life goes on. He knows the circle of people we hang around, knows that they love him, that they respect his mom. This past weekend was spent doing just that, hanging out with friends. Really that is all we did. We ate, hang out, laughed, enjoyed each other’s company, and supported our friends who have had great accomplishments. Nae, if you read this, I’m so proud of you. I spoke to my sis and encouraged her before she begins her first teaching intership. She is brilliant and I'm so proud. I’m so proud to know all the people I know in my life. I still don’t put myself out there as much as I would want to trust people and all but I think I will crawl on this no need to start running.

I could rant about all the bad in my life but I won’t, I think its good every now and then to let it be. Anything negative I can change, I am putting effort to do that the best way I know how and then there are those things that I just can’t change. When was I ever this positive on a Wednesday?

I've never liked Mondays

I had a fabulous weekend; I mean the most perfect weather but come Monday morning I was feeling like crap. Honestly I don’t even know how I survived at work. Usually when I feel this horrible I make an attempt to cover it up by dressing up just so I can feel just a little better. Yesterday, I didn’t even bother. So I looked like crap and felt exactly that way. Have you ever just felt like you were backsliding so to speak; you were taking great leaps in a positive direction then something happens and you are spiraling back to square one? This was me on Sunday night and all of Monday.

I feel like I have made met significant milestones in terms of personal growth but this whole divorce is taking a major toll on me. I thought were done but more adjustments had to be made and more talk about the past and all the ugliness starts to resurface. I made contact and yelled, got pissed off, mad and angry all at the same time. I’m mad at all the unfairness in this world. I’m even sadder that I’m at the receiving end of it.

Then I started going through all my decisions doubting myself and beating myself up for having ended up here. But I am mostly mad at myself up for listening to someone and letting them make me feel so small and so dumb, not in the past but two days ago!! I should know better! Why did I give them so much power to ruin my sleep and my day? I was so disgusted. I kept bursting out in tears every time I thought about it. I called my mentor who listened to my ranting and even though I was looking for advice, I knew exactly what I needed to do. I opened the door to the madness and I needed to close it.

Sometimes you need to distance yourself and it doesn’t mean you haven’t forgiven. I have to let go of the dream that someone might change. I can only change my reaction. Then I have to be easy on myself. She reminded me that divorce is grieving a loss and I need to relieve myself off the idea that I should be all happy because I moved from an unhappy situation. I still lost something that I had thought very valuable, I lost a dream, some innocence and love I had for this person. It’s Tuesday and I feel a little better already. I haven’t cried, I stopped myself from doing stupid stuff to distract myself like shopping and calling old flames to make myself feel better. It was normal day today. Someone brought cake to work and it made me feel so much better, somehow.