some bs is going on

How can one day start so filled with love and crash with a midday email so reminiscent of hate? Why do both good and bad have to coexist? The hell with balance and all the nature laws. Someone is trying to fuck with me and fuck with my future and I'm pissed!I have tried to be patient, no as a matter of fact I have been very patient. I thought I had already won the battle but in a manner that can just be described as plain malicious, they are always trying to find a way to get to me and if that wasn't enough play it off like they are a friend and (drum roll)...fellow christian!! I have had enough of this BS. I just needed to vent. Thats all. I think I'm going to be ok.

just a loving rant

Even though I enjoy meeting people, having company around me, I realize that I’m afraid to go to the next step to connect with people above the usual meets. In college I think I was just shy and introverted, now I exhibit a great extroverted qualities, I know it’s kinda hard to explain. I hate to admit to myself but I’m truly scared on a subconscious level to invite people into the inner circle. The number one reason being I USED to think I was too messed up so the nice people I met did not want to be involved in my baggage. I always told myself that I needed to work on myself first before I created openness with people I wanted to be friends with.

I have overcome this part with great difficulty that we all have our own hang-ups and people who genuinely connect with you will love you in spite of. In fact I have found out time and again that we are all alike in our messes than we are different. Being a single mom at some point I share my history with some people and in so doing I find out they have probably been through the same or experienced a part of the same craziness.. “..but you are so fabulous how could you have gone through that?” That is exactly what I wanted to I want to say to someone this weekend when she gave me a hug and told me what a strong woman she thought I was. I don’t know why I’m always shocked but I guess I should know by now that fabulous people that I meet have gone through fiya to get that luster.

I haven’t discounted the working on myself part. I’m still very vigorously learning to love myself. This is the most conscious I have been of myself ever. Taking control, making good choices, consciously. Sure I like to go with the flow sometimes, you know not have to think about what I’m doing, where to hang out, with whom and if things turn out horribly wrong not really think about it too much or just as easily get pissed off. This was me sought of in college, just nice person enjoying this life but wait… I think I like the more conscious me better.

I don’t know where this post was going. I’m just happy to know I can be me and people love me. I set the standards by which I receive and give love. I know…the almighty set the ultimate standard but you gotta give people something to work with and how you love yourself reflects in how people deal with you. When you love yourself you are not looking for conditional attachments with other people, you have been set free! You give love sincerely and in the same way and just as important are able to accept it sincerely.



Note: above thoughts heavily influenced by Iyanla Vanzant’s ‘In the meantime’

I've never liked Mondays

I had a fabulous weekend; I mean the most perfect weather but come Monday morning I was feeling like crap. Honestly I don’t even know how I survived at work. Usually when I feel this horrible I make an attempt to cover it up by dressing up just so I can feel just a little better. Yesterday, I didn’t even bother. So I looked like crap and felt exactly that way. Have you ever just felt like you were backsliding so to speak; you were taking great leaps in a positive direction then something happens and you are spiraling back to square one? This was me on Sunday night and all of Monday.

I feel like I have made met significant milestones in terms of personal growth but this whole divorce is taking a major toll on me. I thought were done but more adjustments had to be made and more talk about the past and all the ugliness starts to resurface. I made contact and yelled, got pissed off, mad and angry all at the same time. I’m mad at all the unfairness in this world. I’m even sadder that I’m at the receiving end of it.

Then I started going through all my decisions doubting myself and beating myself up for having ended up here. But I am mostly mad at myself up for listening to someone and letting them make me feel so small and so dumb, not in the past but two days ago!! I should know better! Why did I give them so much power to ruin my sleep and my day? I was so disgusted. I kept bursting out in tears every time I thought about it. I called my mentor who listened to my ranting and even though I was looking for advice, I knew exactly what I needed to do. I opened the door to the madness and I needed to close it.

Sometimes you need to distance yourself and it doesn’t mean you haven’t forgiven. I have to let go of the dream that someone might change. I can only change my reaction. Then I have to be easy on myself. She reminded me that divorce is grieving a loss and I need to relieve myself off the idea that I should be all happy because I moved from an unhappy situation. I still lost something that I had thought very valuable, I lost a dream, some innocence and love I had for this person. It’s Tuesday and I feel a little better already. I haven’t cried, I stopped myself from doing stupid stuff to distract myself like shopping and calling old flames to make myself feel better. It was normal day today. Someone brought cake to work and it made me feel so much better, somehow.