just a loving rant

Even though I enjoy meeting people, having company around me, I realize that I’m afraid to go to the next step to connect with people above the usual meets. In college I think I was just shy and introverted, now I exhibit a great extroverted qualities, I know it’s kinda hard to explain. I hate to admit to myself but I’m truly scared on a subconscious level to invite people into the inner circle. The number one reason being I USED to think I was too messed up so the nice people I met did not want to be involved in my baggage. I always told myself that I needed to work on myself first before I created openness with people I wanted to be friends with.

I have overcome this part with great difficulty that we all have our own hang-ups and people who genuinely connect with you will love you in spite of. In fact I have found out time and again that we are all alike in our messes than we are different. Being a single mom at some point I share my history with some people and in so doing I find out they have probably been through the same or experienced a part of the same craziness.. “..but you are so fabulous how could you have gone through that?” That is exactly what I wanted to I want to say to someone this weekend when she gave me a hug and told me what a strong woman she thought I was. I don’t know why I’m always shocked but I guess I should know by now that fabulous people that I meet have gone through fiya to get that luster.

I haven’t discounted the working on myself part. I’m still very vigorously learning to love myself. This is the most conscious I have been of myself ever. Taking control, making good choices, consciously. Sure I like to go with the flow sometimes, you know not have to think about what I’m doing, where to hang out, with whom and if things turn out horribly wrong not really think about it too much or just as easily get pissed off. This was me sought of in college, just nice person enjoying this life but wait… I think I like the more conscious me better.

I don’t know where this post was going. I’m just happy to know I can be me and people love me. I set the standards by which I receive and give love. I know…the almighty set the ultimate standard but you gotta give people something to work with and how you love yourself reflects in how people deal with you. When you love yourself you are not looking for conditional attachments with other people, you have been set free! You give love sincerely and in the same way and just as important are able to accept it sincerely.



Note: above thoughts heavily influenced by Iyanla Vanzant’s ‘In the meantime’