I will make it today

“Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.” Maria Robinson

One of the hardest things in life is making that first move, drawing that first line, flipping to that new chapter. We may have gone through much planning or even agony to come up with precisely what we need to do. Sometimes we stay where we are even with that knowledge, mostly because of fear. We are afraid of leaving the chapter we are in, however uncomfortable, however painful, however meaningless. It could be fear of the unknown, fear about what others are going to say, fear of failure; so we are paralyzed and accept less than. We rationalize in our heads that we are good because we know what we need to do; we just need to set a perfect time to do it, with the perfect person, in the perfect season. In the meantime, days turn into years and the energy dwindles, while the pain, the meaninglessness and the discomfort increase. Life happens adding to the complexity, and the perfect time, person, season does not come. We ignore that inner voice and suppress our faith. Sometimes we realize this futility and move, many times we wait until it all becomes too much to handle, and right at the breaking point we may make that step. That one step may be all we needed. Then we wonder why we waited so long to set ourselves free.

"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see."
Hebrew 11:1 (NIV)

“But forget all that—it is nothing compared to what I am going to do. For I am about to do something new. See, I have already begun! Do you not see it? I will make a pathway through the wilderness. I will create rivers in the dry wasteland."
Isaiah 43:18-19 (NLT)

Healing

I am discouraged
once again I thought I could
But I can’t
Not with all this pain
My heart is fragile
How can I go on dear Lord?
Tell me how can I go on?
You tell me one step at a time
But my face is clouded with tears
And I would rather see the Promised Land
But you tell me one step at a time
Not with all this pain
My heart is broken
But you tell me you are with me
Yes Lord I know
I hold on to you dear Jesus
Your eye is on the sparrow
So I know you watch over me
I pray for strength to move
I pray for faith to step
I pray for forgiveness
Take this burden so I’m free
How can I go on dear Lord?
You say I can
So I believe in you
I believe in your word
I can go on

the heart's loss

Today I mourn:my relationship, love, a dream, a lifetime deferred. God, I was so not prepared for this. I went from being ecstatic about a lifetime to being completely deflated by the disappointment, never ending excuses and eventually the bitter reality.

Today I mourn for my son, for the life that he thought he would have, and the expectations that he has held. My heart just breaks for him so much. How could I let him love someone who would disappoint him then distance himself? How could I, what kind of mother does that…twice? Can I ever forgive myself?

Today I mourn for my parents, for the trouble they have had to go through and for the pain that they bear on my behalf. They wish me well and it’s so hard for them to see me keep falling over and over again. I thank God for their support and wisdom..yes, mostly wisdom even when I didn’t notice it, I realize now how wise they have been.

Tomorrow, maybe tomorrow, I will mourn for me.

Sad Sad Sad

I have been trying to write a post several times and each time I can't put into words the horror that is happening in my beloved country. I am blessed because I have called my family on a daily basis sometimes more than once a day to find out how things are and if they are ok. They are ok, but we have scores of relatives, friends and people that are not. It was my b-day yesterday and I was glued to the screen trying to figure out what was going on. In the past week I have thought about the lives of those suffering, those killed, it really breaks my heart in so many ways. The stories of mothers watching their kids burn, their husbands hacked. How are these individuals ever supposed to recover with nowhere to start, no support whatsoever?? I refrain from discussing the political situation. I really just emphathise with the everyday common man/woman who has and will suffer just so tremendously. It's senseless, its brutal, lacking in thought, full of self-hatred....the story below was just too much.
http://kenyanemergency.wordpress.com/2008/01/03/we-told-them-to-come-out-of-the-church-but-they-locked-the-door-so-we-burned-them/

I just don't know anymore.

I think I chilled out too much

When I look at my handbag, it’s a reflection of how my life is nowadays: disorganized. I move from one thing to the other, I haven’t bothered to tie up any loose ends; don’t deal with stuff like I should. OMG! It’s getting to be overwhelming. Receipts that need to be checked up on, eye make-up for an event a week ago, the bracelet I broke sometime back (I don’t even think I can repair it), my son’s menu at school (this should be hanging on the refrigerator), someone’s number scribbled on a receipt (why didn’t I put this in my phone yet?), my palm that I haven’t updated in two weeks…and the same goes for my car: tons of art projects from preschool, pair of shoes, maybe two, my CD’s are sprawled on the back seat, my work out clothes for the Pilates I’m supposed to be doing with a friend…and even if I wanted to run, I have a pile of dishes waiting at home and a bunch of clothes that I let sit in the drier…grrr.. I hate ironing! With all this it only follows that my office is a mess, there is piles of undone stuff everywhere!

One of the reasons I’m giving myself this pep talk is because I’m hosting friends of friends for the weekend and everything will have to be spotless by this Thursday…somehow..lol. The biggest reason is because I hate messes, they drive me crazy. I thought about waking up early this morning and working on those clothes and the dishes but it stayed at that; just a thought. I’m now beginning to wish I had a dishwasher even though I’m a self-professed love washing dishes type of gal, I really am, I just don’t know what’s been up lately. One positive thing is that at least we haven’t eaten junk food, and I have been diligent in having complete meals. I even cut up the melons. See I love fruit but I don’t like cutting it up. This started way back in my family. We always had fruit but if no one washed and cut it up, it rotted on the counter. At least there was six of us then, now its just us two and my lil man sure can’t cut up any cantaloupe but loves to eat it, so much so I think he at ¾ of the whole fruit last night after dinner…lol

I have to pull my act together and get out of this funk. I haven’t been stressing about a lot of things lately but maybe I’m taking this lax attitude too far. Ok I got some cleaning up to do.