spiritual insight

This was the message from today's service and for me a personal conviction. There are many times when I have woken up and just wondered how I was going to face the day. I should be grown up spiritually enough by now to know that God has always taken care of me...after a major panic. When I look back I see how I have been delivered from many crazy and dangerous situations physically, emotionally and mentally.
Now Lord, I'm being convicted to open my eyes and see that you are bigger than my troubles and to stop the panic before it starts. 2 Kings 6:16 when Elisha was confronted with the army coming to arrest him, he said, " Fear not, for those that are with us are more than those that are with them." What a great description of what all of us have as christians, what a comfort! Our heavenly father is always with us. Oh how I pray that God may open my eyes so that I stop reacting to my problems and conflicts but that I respond according to God's word. That I am confident that he is there alongside me. Thank you father for the promise that you will always be with us. Help me to focus on you and not my issues today. You are greater than anything that we encounter on this earth. Give me spiritual insight that I may see what it is you are doing in my life today and that I may show grace and kindness in the midst of my troubles.

A is for Attitude

It’s amazing how much God hears me when I call on him. I was feeling so miserable yesterday thinking about all my unaccomplished goals, my “interesting” relationship…and I was angry. As I was driving home, Moody radio had a program on “Anger”. Good anger and bad anger. The bible says that we are not to let the sun go down while we are still angry. This, I am guilty of many times. This, because I lose focus, but it’s not about me, it’s about him, my creator, the giver of life and the taker of life. Then they talked about ‘good’ anger. You know the kind that Jesus had when he threw all those merchants out of the temple. Anger at injustice. I have to admit, I have that kind too. Social justice issues are dear to my heart.
God wasn’t done, this morning, I bumped into the blog of Eraina Davis, single mother of one, same age as myself who has beaten the odds and she can dare write a blog with the name “A good life”. She changed my attitude today. I do have a good life.Not only is she the most optimistic person I have ever “met”, she is truly guided by the scripture and she ends her blogs with a quote or verse. My sister from another mother. I could tell her attitude has taken her places. She could potentially have a lot to complain about, but there is no way she sould have worked through two Master’s degrees with a ‘poor me’ attitude. Wow! Heck, she just moved to Chicago!
Life is too short to sit here planning a pity party. Attitude is everything. Most importantly I should not forget where my help comes from. I’m pouting like I don’t have a father who knows the plans he has for me, who cares so much about everything he created..sparrows, flowers, why would I be doubting? Sometimes when we look around us, at all the things other people are accomplishing, at all our problems, we lose focus. Lord help me to keep my eyes on you. The world has nothing to offer me. There are illusions of happiness and temporary gratification all around me. My happiness comes from you.
Psalm 121
1 I lift up my eyes to the mountains— where does my help come from?
2 My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth.
3 He will not let your foot slip— he who watches over you will not slumber;
4 indeed, he who watches over Israel will neither slumber nor sleep.
5 The LORD watches over you— the LORD is your shade at your right hand;
6 the sun will not harm you by day, nor the moon by night.
7 The LORD will keep you from all harm— he will watch over your life;
8 the LORD will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore.

Reflections in the new year!

Wow, 2012! My blogging has really slacked off. I'm stuffed to my neck in posts I want to write. So much has happened in the last few months. Good things, bad things...

School
Inching away at this. Taking two classes each semester with a full time job and being a full time soccer mom was probably biting off more than I could chew. So needless to say the fall season was extremely busy for me. I survived. God, you know only by your hand. You brought along a partner in one of my class whom we were able to brainstorm and make it through the worst of it. You gave me strength and ideas for my other class that had an "interesting" group of students. My grandmother passed away close to thanksgiving and right around the last couple of weeks. Even though I gave it my all most of the time, I would have been happy with a B in those classes considering the circumstances. I managed to score As in both of my classes - Amen! I have been consistently amazed at how the Lord has blessed me in my school work not only in excelling but in showing me that I'm in the right place as I thoroughly enjoy my classes.

Work
I started this job slightly more than a year ago. I'm praising God and I have to remember to praise whenever the work politics and disappointments hit. My work place is badly managed and I don't feel like I'm using my abilities to the fullest. Worst of all, I don't feel like I have a voice or any suggestions stay on paper. So frustration is the name of the game here. Lawd help me!

Family
My son will be entering double digits in a year. God, you are great! The challenges have followed as I balance school/activity schedule and also help him to feel like his life is normal despite having two households. Birthdays are always the most challenging. Should we do two birthday parties..he wants a sleepover...arrgh. I need divine intervention. Arranging a bday party with a narcissist is a chore, because they always want to have it their way. I want my son to be happy, so sometimes I feel like I'm compromising..but it's not about me is it? I may need to seek professional help.

Relationship
I do not like attention so upcoming nuptials are putting a bit of a strain. Should we make everyone happy, or should we just ignore that and do what we want?

Spiritual
I've not been 'feeling' my regular church so the past year has been spent church hopping (or not) but I feel that God has led me to a worship place that I can connect right in my hood- seriously blocks away from me is this wonderful church. I have been so challenged and blessed being here.

Reflection:
When I look at where I have come from and where I'm going, I'm not sure how people make it without God. I am hoping to make this year, the one which I trust God fully, have faith and take his leading. My joy and happiness can only be within the confines of what God has in store and I can't wait to see it unfold. This is a year of major leaps in relationship, work, living and I'm lifting it all up to the master, the one who knew me from the beginning and will take me to the end. Jeremiah 29:11.

2012 here I come.

I need you

Oh God, give me strength to survive this narcissist today.
I’m feeling weak
I feel so much rage.
I feel so much hatred.
So much regret
So much why me
I have worked so hard to move on
Yet some days I feel like I’m starting all over
I have to contain myself
This battle I may not win
But I have the strength within me
To survive the attacks
To fight in love
To not damage myself in the process
To remember that you exist
Not in my own strength Lord,
Because you have promised
Because I trust you
I will overcome
This too shall pass

Joy

I’m just so full of joy this morning, when I woke up I felt like rejoicing and telling God how much I am grateful for his presence in my life. Nothing special happened, I didn’t win the lottery, I didn’t get a promotion, heck things are hard right now: I just started school this week and I have already submitted a couple assignments, my relationship/upcoming nuptials still in the works, my lil man started school (insert crazy morning routine) and I can’t figure what to do with my hair which is starting to be messy..but I digress. God is good, all the time. When I think about his goodness, I’m in awe. Why do I let the daily grind keep me in stress mode? When I look at the bigger picture, I see how God has worked in my life. Never did I imagine that at this age I would me mom to the most wonderful boy and making it solo. In this crazy economy, I have changed jobs 3 times and each time I got a little more than I could have asked for. I have not only enjoyed my classes in the last two years, I have excelled in them. When you have God on your side you should be excited at the things he will do in your life. Even in the bad times, trust me, God is teaching you something, so listen and learn-fast. Don’t be wandering in the wilderness for 40 years like the Israelites did. Do you know it would have only taken about 11 days to get to the Promised Land? Allow God and his word to transform you to what he wants you to be. God I pray that I may give you the space and time for you to transform me, because I do not want to dwell in the desert, I want to reach the Promised Land. I’m not sure what life holds for me tomorrow but I can be sure to face it with confidence with you by my side.

I will make it today

“Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.” Maria Robinson

One of the hardest things in life is making that first move, drawing that first line, flipping to that new chapter. We may have gone through much planning or even agony to come up with precisely what we need to do. Sometimes we stay where we are even with that knowledge, mostly because of fear. We are afraid of leaving the chapter we are in, however uncomfortable, however painful, however meaningless. It could be fear of the unknown, fear about what others are going to say, fear of failure; so we are paralyzed and accept less than. We rationalize in our heads that we are good because we know what we need to do; we just need to set a perfect time to do it, with the perfect person, in the perfect season. In the meantime, days turn into years and the energy dwindles, while the pain, the meaninglessness and the discomfort increase. Life happens adding to the complexity, and the perfect time, person, season does not come. We ignore that inner voice and suppress our faith. Sometimes we realize this futility and move, many times we wait until it all becomes too much to handle, and right at the breaking point we may make that step. That one step may be all we needed. Then we wonder why we waited so long to set ourselves free.

"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see."
Hebrew 11:1 (NIV)

“But forget all that—it is nothing compared to what I am going to do. For I am about to do something new. See, I have already begun! Do you not see it? I will make a pathway through the wilderness. I will create rivers in the dry wasteland."
Isaiah 43:18-19 (NLT)

Life's roadmap

"The unexamined life is not worth living." ~ Socrates.

I have been thinking lately about life and how we progress, grow. One of the things that has helped me figure myself out is writing. I write whenever, wherever I can. Sometimes out of the blue I will read something I wrote years ago and I might laugh, cry or be inspired. I can laugh at all the craziness that I have gone through and the mistakes I’ve made, sometimes those same things sadden me but ultimately I’m thankful because I can see how much I’ve grown. Sometimes I see that I’m struggling with the same thing, maybe in a different way and it upsets me because I should know better, and it gives me determination to work on it. It’s like I have created a map for myself: go here, don’t turn there, cliff waiting, don’t give into that, be more patient here, trust God more…and the list goes on.

Reading about myself helps me examine who I am and face the truth: good, bad, or ugly. I don’t claim that I always address what needs to be fixed heck sometimes I’m going in circles and hitting the same bump over and over. This is when I'm most frustrated with myself! The process of self-examination however continues to help me uncover who I am and where I want to be. The past has really been instrumental in making who I am today. I have learnt from my many mistakes. Wouldn’t I like to forget you ask? I read somewhere that there is a reason the windshield is bigger than the rearview mirror. When we look at what we left behind, it should be but a glimpse of what we have left behind, we should not dwell on it. We have the whole journey ahead of us. Sometimes, I dwell on the past way too much and then I’m hitting things on the road I could have avoided. Then I know I need to adjust my attitude and keep my eyes on the road. If we narrowly missed a deer, we should be on the lookout ahead. We are more alert at what life can throw at us, because we have been through it. We can look in the rear and learn from our victories, they give us confidence that we can be successful and whatever accomplishments we have had, we can kick it up a notch.

Last night I read a post where I had written about what a particularly wonderful day I had had. Looking back at my life that year, I cannot even possibly imagine that there were any happy days, not to mention it was in the middle of winter which to me might as well be renamed agony! It would appear that it was just one big blur of sadness as it was one of the most stressful years of my life. But there it was- in my own writing that I was good, happy even. Things are ten times better now than they were then and I still find myself with discontent. From further reading, I figured out what I was doing then that made life happy. I was praying, I was confident about what God was doing in my life despite my misery. So I know that I need to adjust my priorities and put God where he belongs, right by me, guiding me. That is why David wrote in Psalms: "The Lord is my shepherd", because if he truly is then all we have to do is follow him, we need not be lost.

The man of my dreams

I have no doubt that God has a special plan for my life and the man of my dreams. So while I wait to take that step, I will prepare myself to be the woman of my man’s dreams. I have learned a few relationship lessons in life; most importantly that you cannot change someone, you can only change yourself. I pray that I may be the woman that HE wants to share his life with. Lord I have prayed so much for the man that I will share my life with so I’m writing down my thoughts about this man of my dreams.

The man I will marry is loving and compassionate. He has a big heart for people and is willing to reach out to others. He is ambitious and pursues his hearts passions while providing for his family. Although a man should be a good provider, I believe the first thing every man should give his woman is himself. So I know that I will not have to worry about other people coming into our life and dismantling, confusing, upheaving our life because we have let them.

The man I will marry will be a role model for my son. He will teach him respect and honor. Teach him patience and forgiveness. He will teach him integrity and show him that a true man loves, a true man forgives, and a true man is always there for his family in good or bad. A true man is able to step up when a situation warrants it, not cower and run away from responsibility.

The man I will marry will do everything under the sun to make sure that our relationship is working. Even when we disagree and fight, I know that the man I will marry is complete and sure about the love that we have, just as I will be. He is willing to be humble and work on the relationship, and is not afraid to ask for help if the need arises. He will put his family before himself.

The man I will marry respects my family. There will be no compromise here. I know that he will do his level best to keep things smooth.

The man I will marry will put God first as the head of the home. He will seek to be a godly man and seek wise Christian counsel. He will make sure that his family is spiritually sound.

The man I will marry will want to grow: grow in his Christian walk, grow in his character, grow old with me.

In the meantime, I will continue to work on me. To work on the woman of HIS dreams as I prepare to be with the man of my dreams.

Comfort Zone

One of my favorite things to do in the summer is attend all the free concerts in the city. Chicago has many such venues exhibit A; the beautiful Pritzker Pavilion. Now since I moved to Chicago, I attend at least 5 or more events here each summer, all free, ranging from music concerts to movies to dance workouts. It’s so wonderful to meet and make friends. Yesterday I invited a friend who has lived in this city many years before me so naturally I was thinking they have been here before. Now imagine my surprise when he stated how wonderful the place looked since it was their first time! Now call me music lover or super outgoing, the former yes, the latter, not so much but how in the freaking universe have you never been to Pritzker Pavilion!!!

This got me to thinking about how we get into the routine of things in our lives and we limit ourselves to the things we know work: same route to work, same gym, same grocery store, same restaurant, same bar. It’s a comfort zone, after all “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it” right? The problem with doing just the things we know ‘work’ is we limit ourselves to the possibilities of what could be. We don’t get to see another side of things, think differently, heck we don’t even have to think. When we keep doing the same things, we just cruise on and our life plateaus into a monotonous routine and before we know it, we are old and the days have passed. Think of all the new experiences that you may be missing out if you could change up your routine today.

I love predictability, Lord knows I do. I try to plan most of the time, but one thing even I don’t understand about myself is that I love variety, spontaneity and trying new things. Call me disloyal but I don’t even stay with the same hair stylist, I have several. Sometimes when we stay in the same place for too long we don’t notice things that need fixing, things that are wrong, the stench in the corner. We just get used to the stench, the stress, the mess. Sometimes the best thing about venturing out is you discover that what you had before was the greatest thing there is out there, so you go back. But even in this instance, because you moved and learnt to appreciate what you have, the old seems like new.

Think about your relationship with God, are you in a plateau, a rut, same old prayer, same seat in church. God is calling us to get out of our comfort zone and step into his comfort zone. If we get stuck on what works for us then we limit God. If we don’t take chances we miss out on the miracles and the victories that God is waiting to perform in our life. Resolve to move from your comfort zone, take a different route, smile and give a dollar to the homeless man, say hi to that crabby co-worker you avoid, go to a different store, watch a new show, try a new recipe, talk to a struggling friend, take a chance, move your relationship with God to the next level. Don’t just pray about little things, trust God for big things, surrender the control and watch him work.

Take a step today - do something different, don’t get stuck in a rut, God wants you to open up to the possibilities and to the wonderful plans he has for your life. Let’s face it, we have little control in this world and trying to control things around us just stresses us out. If we let God, we free ourselves, experience life as he meant it for us and have joy. He alone is our comforter.

If you are in a comfort zone, which one is it, yours or Gods?

Jeremiah 29:11: For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Truth and Reality

When you finally see the truth, it’s like your eyes are opened for the very first time, and you can see clearly, you understand; and you are sad because the reality you lived in, was only a fraction of the truth. It was real, but it was not complete. It was not the truth. Sometimes as human beings we know, we sense, but we don’t want to uncover the truth because it might hurt, because it could move us, because it may be uncomfortable, but we forfeit peace, love and happiness. See, the truth sets you free, truth is universal and eternal; reality is relative and finite. Once reality ends, and if we choose truth, our eyes are opened; we can never go back because we are free. Truth sets us free. Jesus said, "I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me. John 14:6. If we choose Jesus, we choose truth. Apart from him everything is relative and finite. He is universal and eternal.

Healing

I am discouraged
once again I thought I could
But I can’t
Not with all this pain
My heart is fragile
How can I go on dear Lord?
Tell me how can I go on?
You tell me one step at a time
But my face is clouded with tears
And I would rather see the Promised Land
But you tell me one step at a time
Not with all this pain
My heart is broken
But you tell me you are with me
Yes Lord I know
I hold on to you dear Jesus
Your eye is on the sparrow
So I know you watch over me
I pray for strength to move
I pray for faith to step
I pray for forgiveness
Take this burden so I’m free
How can I go on dear Lord?
You say I can
So I believe in you
I believe in your word
I can go on

Lord take this hurt

It hurts to think
It hurts to sleep
My dreams haunt me
My to be life extraordinaire
Now my nightmare

It hurts to love
It hurts to be hurt
My heart is broken
My to be life extraordinaire
Now just a crazy idea?

The things I liked
Are just passing me by
My God, how did I get here?
Did I loose sight,
Of what you desire my life to be?

The things I planned
Now just seem obscured
By all this hurt
Help me gain but a mustard seed
Size of faith to see the sun

If I know one thing
Is in You I have hope
I give you my hurt
Heal me Lord
Turn it into a blessing

In place of all the hurt
I accept your grace and pardon
For peace and joy are mine
And a new vision
To keep on loving

the years happenings so far

I have neglected this blog, the busyness of life this winter has been a bit much, but I think of stuff I need to write daily. A lot is happening:

My lil man got his eye glasses yesterday, I can't believe it! He does not reeeally need them but he is a bit shortsighted..sigh. Apparently it's because children spend more time indoors and read more at an early age so...I'm thinking we might spend all summer in the wild just to correct that nearsightedness. $85 for the pair and I hope I do not go home to hear that they are missing broken. I spotted him putting them in his pocket yesterday and cautioned him that it's the best way to have broken glasses. On the flip side, I made sure to buy warranty.
This kid is soo grown. It sometimes breaks my heart but then again, this is the process of life. I signed him up for cooking class after school and he has been teaching me how to hold a knife. He really wanted to cut the onion last night, yikes! I wanted him to appreciate food and cooking health but he's taken it to the next level. Of course he does not stop with the funnies: "why does your hair start so far off your forehead, why can't it start closer"...referring to my big forehead- kids have guts! Yesterday he noticed he had lines under his eyes and wanted me to help him "remove" them. I asked him to wash his face and lotion up after which he was mad because his "lines" were still there. I asked him to drink more water.

School is school, what can I say...I am learning a lot, and sometimes it makes me mad, because I learn how oppressive the 'system' can be. I have been working in a marginalized community and I can't believe the level of poverty, desperation, neglect and hopelessness. Sometimes it's too much. I have made some friends there and I hope to work in garden there over the summer. The people I have met have been so warm. How come poor people tend to be warm, they have a lot more to complain about. It's hard to find well-to do folks who are so warm.

My relationship..I don't know, but I know that relationships are hardwork and that whoever said men are from Mars and women from Venus was right! I'm too grown for compromise but then again a health relationship requires that.

The weather is getting better, thank God, because winter believe it or not, and 10 years of it later, is STILL not my thing.

I'm still mad that I live so far from my family, and that life is so isolated over here. Maybe I need to get over it but it bugs me and I'm praying that God changes some things around so I'm able to move back close to my family. I believe it's going to happen, SOMEHOW!

God is still being God. I have a closer relationship with him now that I did at the beginning of the year. I'm reminded that life does not make sense without God and I continue to seek him, actually I'm learning to surrender....all. I have had to readjust my life, get rid of some friendships, make time for healthy ones, put my career in his hands, I know he has a great plan. I'm praying for faith and trust to take big leaps to the place he has for me. I know that where I'm now is just temporary but I'm learning a few lessons that will help me ahead. I think that is what God does.

Part 1: Dr. Cornel West APHA Opening Session 2010

The opening remarks of Dr. West at APHA remind me why I'm in this field. This was so passionately and provocatively delivered, if this doesn't stir up your senses about the reality of our society, nothing will. I love that he stands up for the fact that he is a Christian.

God can do anything

I've been doing this thing where I pull a bible verse and have my son memorize it for the week. It was going to be one per week but it became too easy. Initially, I was going to set up a prize box but it never happened so when lil man recited the two verses, I offered that he could pick dinner that night. This is huge since he is so darn picky and for the most nights he doesn't approve of my healthy options.

Of course I was prepared that it was going to be something unhealthy. So he sheepishly announced that he wanted the Jewel honey wings.They are fried yes and definitely the best wings you can buy so I wasn't too sad.
We hopped on over to Jewel, got our pound of wings and we had to drive somewhere else before we got home. Fried wings in a car at 6pm..even if you were not hungry you have to dig in so as I was driving my lil man was busy munching away at the wings.
So after attacking a couple of wings, he stated as a matter-of-fact.."You know what they say....you can't finish wings all by yourself!"
LOL. So I'm always using some quote or the other on my lil man so it's good he's getting the gist of it but lol, I think he is confused on whom 'they' are.

I asked him who 'they' are and he just repeated his quote, and then thought about it some and blurted.."But only God can finish wings by himself, because he is God, he can gobble all of them up!"

At least we know that the lesson "God can do anything" is well understood, I can live with that.

the one who holds me

I found out a friend moved to a different continent for good. She is a great friend. She did not tell me and that hurt a little, but I completely understand-because I have often felt the same way many many times. That I could just wake up one day and put together everything I have and move back home, closer to family and closer to peace. So I'm a tad bit jealous that she had so much courage to do that which I have been wishing BUT even more so INCREDIBLY happy for her!
As for me, every day this month has been an incredible journey to finding myself...yeah 30 and still searching...the great news is that I finally had the courage to face the truth-my hope is built on nothing less than Jesus blood and righteousness. He is the beginning and the end. I'm incredibly excited...even though I have been a christian a long time, it's been an journey and I'm learning everyday to trust in the one who made me. My heart is rejoicing-even though there are a bunch of challenges ahead of me. I know that I can be confident that the one one who holds my heart also holds the future. It's incredibly great to know God experience true love and peace.

It did pass

The studying, the papers, the anxiety, the finals. All over-for now until I start over in August-But for now I can take the time to hopefully get some sun. It's Chicago, when the sun comes around, you better get it. I do feel like a huge burden has been lifted. But in many ways it just made space for other things that did not get any attention-summer plans, pending wedding, hunting for a new job...ugh. The never ending cycle of madness in this land of "milk and honey".
My source of renewed hope and energy is to remember that it's not about me, that there is someone greater than I am who is at work in me. I'm so grateful for the gift of salvation, because when I'm at my worst, I can still feel loved and accepted. Thank you Lord for reminding me to stop relying on myself for all the things that stress me. I'm thankful for the promise that he will always be there and I know this is true from experience.
It's Mother's day tomorrow and I'm so grateful for my mother so beautiful in and out. I'm grateful for the chance to be a mom to lil man and I pray for the wisdom and strength to help him be the best he can be. To many more years of being a mom and superwoman!

the last stretch

I’m exhausted, mentally, emotionally, any kind of way. It’s that last 2-week stretch of the semester. There are soo many tasks to be done-why I’m I in school again? Why I’m I voluntarily torturing myself? I’ve kind of figured out, that even though school is taking a lot out of me, my job/work is the real killer here. I just can’t do it anymore. I officially hate my job. It takes a huge amount of energy to do the most minute task and my productivity is at an all time low. See, my boss is too bossy and I just don’t feel like I can take any more crap from her. Since the office manager passed away, this place is just not the same. This place in the words of Lauryn Hill (and not how they were meant to be used) is ‘killing me softly’, my brain at least. I need more- a challenge, more responsibility, more sense of doing good or accomplishment, and this is not it! This is not where I’m supposed to be but where I’m I supposed to be?

I’ve toyed with the idea of quitting and living on loans to do school full-time for 3 semesters. But I’m a mom and the economy is not so the way it used to be, so that might not be a smart move. Ok, I should be getting married soon so this could potentially work-that’s another post altogether, the whole marriage thing. The most rational thing to do is apply for other more suitable jobs. I know I want more challenge and responsibility but let’s face it, that means working long hours to prove myself on top of school and lil man so do I really want to take the route of a new job, new commute, and new hours? I love my flexible schedule as it is. Yuck, I guess something has to give.
I’m thinking I should trust and believe that God could provide this perfect job where I’m challenged and can strike a balance, but I’m scared. Scared to fully trust in the workings of an almighty God, my father who absolutely cares for me? What I’m I thinking? The God who cares about what birds eat…Why can’t I pray and trust God for this miracle job, doesn’t he have plans to give me a hope and a future? I know I need to surrender, do my best, and believe. Easier said than done, Lord I need strength and wisdom to get through this time.

I miss my mom

There are some things that don't change no matter how old we are. Some days like today I just want my mom...and on days like this when I'm having an incredibly hard day, I regret why I live so far from my family and I'm filled with immense sadness and helplessness. I really hate that I live so far away and its something that I think about on a daily basis. I don't think my life is much better just because I make more than I would make living at home. I struggle with whether the education and pursuit of the American dream is worth it after all not to mention enduring 5 months of bitter cold and lack of sunshine.
I called my family today, and somehow instead of making me feel better, I felt sad. I am missing all those chances of laughter and sharing. I'm always rushing, busy, lot of times lonely and feeling so heavily laden as a sole provider for myself and lil man.
Ok so I'm getting married and to a great man...but at this point this is a bit
stressful in itself...where are we going to live, when is the wedding, how big, how much...YIKES!!! Lots of endless questions...I don't have time or space in my brain. I need to file my taxes, fill out my FAFSA, complete my homework assignment, catch up with the pile of reading, sell some chocolates for lil man's school fundraiser, meet with his teacher...and that's why I need my mom, because she would hug me and let me know that it was all going to be ok and I would feel better.
She did let me know that it was not going to be like this forever and that I needed to trust that God knows what I'm going through and he can lighten this load. If I didn't believe in Jesus, I don't know where I would be right now. I know in the back of my head that he cares and is right here with me. Sure, it's not my mom but he has a special way of letting me know that it's going to be ok. So that's all I'm banking on now, the Lords promise to always be with me, strengthen me.
"Do not be anxious, about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guide your heart and your mind, in Christ Jesus." Phillipians 4:6

the madness pokes its head

In true tradition of this blog, I have to record my recent run-ins with the truly narcissistic EX. Apparently the world has crumbled because I revealed to my lil man that he will be travelling to visit his grandma this Christmas. I didn't have any intentions of doing it but he overheard me on the phone. I didn't think it was a big deal since no explicit instructions were given NOT to reveal.

So I get the part where someone would be mad, but the part where they feel the need to shame me, put me down, call me names and claim that I'm out to ruin a father/son relationship? Total narcissism and once again I praise the Lord from delivering me from the mouth of this lunacy. The Text word for word "Once again you have shown your ignorance about a father son relationship. Next time super glue your lips shut, that way u can have plenty of time to think before you run another great surprise between X(lil man) and I". This is after my very sincere apology.....This is a series of events just in this past week. Who the crap does he think he is? I honestly feel sorry for this man so I'm not even replying but the most saddening part is I often wonder how I can let my child spend a minute under the influence of a psychologically and emotionally deficient person such as this! Grow up man....this is not 1st grade!

Then again in such times, I remember that God is the only one who gives me strength to survive literally because I would loose my mind otherwise. Thank you Jesus for loving me and reminding me that there is someone else who is in control.

Despite my sadness over this holiday season, God has really shown me how much love surrounds me this season and I'm grateful for my life.