There are some things that don't change no matter how old we are. Some days like today I just want my mom...and on days like this when I'm having an incredibly hard day, I regret why I live so far from my family and I'm filled with immense sadness and helplessness. I really hate that I live so far away and its something that I think about on a daily basis. I don't think my life is much better just because I make more than I would make living at home. I struggle with whether the education and pursuit of the American dream is worth it after all not to mention enduring 5 months of bitter cold and lack of sunshine.
I called my family today, and somehow instead of making me feel better, I felt sad. I am missing all those chances of laughter and sharing. I'm always rushing, busy, lot of times lonely and feeling so heavily laden as a sole provider for myself and lil man.
Ok so I'm getting married and to a great man...but at this point this is a bit
stressful in itself...where are we going to live, when is the wedding, how big, how much...YIKES!!! Lots of endless questions...I don't have time or space in my brain. I need to file my taxes, fill out my FAFSA, complete my homework assignment, catch up with the pile of reading, sell some chocolates for lil man's school fundraiser, meet with his teacher...and that's why I need my mom, because she would hug me and let me know that it was all going to be ok and I would feel better.
She did let me know that it was not going to be like this forever and that I needed to trust that God knows what I'm going through and he can lighten this load. If I didn't believe in Jesus, I don't know where I would be right now. I know in the back of my head that he cares and is right here with me. Sure, it's not my mom but he has a special way of letting me know that it's going to be ok. So that's all I'm banking on now, the Lords promise to always be with me, strengthen me.
"Do not be anxious, about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guide your heart and your mind, in Christ Jesus." Phillipians 4:6
Showing posts with label spiritual. Show all posts
Showing posts with label spiritual. Show all posts
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Organically Speaking
I am one of those people who if not busy freak out that there is something they should be doing. The workload in the office has been up and down lately and when its down, it gets me down. I cannot seem to get through even the little that there is. I'm not good at taking advantage of this time either...reading books, watching or youtubing (come to think of it I could have watched the Amazing Race episodes that I missed), I just have a very active conscience. I want to do work when I'm at work. I want to advance, learn more, gain more knowledge, heck get paid more. For that reason, I believe that if there is no work to be done, I should just stay at home and find something more meaningful to do with my time as I see fit instead of being confined to the office.
So I'm in that zone where I wonder if this is the right fit for me. Granted I'm going to be very busy in a couple weeks, but in the now, I'm feeling like I'm wasting precious time. I have tried to be as productive on the homefront, picking my son up early from school so we can have more time together but this does not eliminate my need for a challenge. I need to be solving some global problems somewhere, creating health programs that work, educating people on their health, helping provide access, monitoring research and creating effective patient flow in hospitals. and I will once I'm done with this degree in 3 years..sigh. I'm wondering how I can push myself to get it done sooner.
I have also been thinking that God created this time for me on purpose. Because I'm very prone to being very busy and driven that I can forget to pray, read the Bible and just plain out listen to him. So I have been talking to God and searching him a lot in this time period. I even listen to Moody radio...which I had quit for while which is a whole other post. I feel the need to fill my time meditating. Being that I'm Christian I should have been doing these things all along but I dropped the ball somewhere and was just getting by with Sunday morning services.
I came across the blog of a surgeon http://heal-thyself.blogspot.com/ volunteering at my local hospital back home. I'm awed not only by the stories, his commitment but also God's way of using us when we show up for what he needs us to do. He didn't have to do this, he could be making tons of money in the US but he felt the need and trusted God to provide (yes he had to raise $ to support this cause) because it was the only thing to do. While this makes me want to be a surgeon solving complex medical problems, I know God has something in store for ME and he needs me to show up. So I'm listening and searching, going back to the basics being organic in my pursuit of God.
Organic has numerous meanings, 'natural', 'associated with living organisms', 'constitutional in the structure of something'.
I was browsing the web I ran into a quote from Margaret Feinbergs "The Organic God" which sums it all up.
“But as I practice the art of listening to God, I am discovering that He is surprisingly talkative even in the silence. Prayers are not going unanswered as much as He is responding in unexpected ways. Listening to God’s voice requires more than just my ears; it requires my eyes, my mind, my spirit, my entire being to recognize the God-nudges in life. His voice is found in the wisdom of friends and spiritual leaders. He whispers through dreams and visions and abundant provision. He speaks through both conscience and conviction and an undeniable sense that some thoughts are more like God-thoughts than my own. He even speaks in the silence. In the process, I find myself both enticed and intrigued by Him. I find myself hanging on every word. God’s voice becomes the only voice I want to hear.”
So I'm in that zone where I wonder if this is the right fit for me. Granted I'm going to be very busy in a couple weeks, but in the now, I'm feeling like I'm wasting precious time. I have tried to be as productive on the homefront, picking my son up early from school so we can have more time together but this does not eliminate my need for a challenge. I need to be solving some global problems somewhere, creating health programs that work, educating people on their health, helping provide access, monitoring research and creating effective patient flow in hospitals. and I will once I'm done with this degree in 3 years..sigh. I'm wondering how I can push myself to get it done sooner.
I have also been thinking that God created this time for me on purpose. Because I'm very prone to being very busy and driven that I can forget to pray, read the Bible and just plain out listen to him. So I have been talking to God and searching him a lot in this time period. I even listen to Moody radio...which I had quit for while which is a whole other post. I feel the need to fill my time meditating. Being that I'm Christian I should have been doing these things all along but I dropped the ball somewhere and was just getting by with Sunday morning services.
I came across the blog of a surgeon http://heal-thyself.blogspot.com/ volunteering at my local hospital back home. I'm awed not only by the stories, his commitment but also God's way of using us when we show up for what he needs us to do. He didn't have to do this, he could be making tons of money in the US but he felt the need and trusted God to provide (yes he had to raise $ to support this cause) because it was the only thing to do. While this makes me want to be a surgeon solving complex medical problems, I know God has something in store for ME and he needs me to show up. So I'm listening and searching, going back to the basics being organic in my pursuit of God.
Organic has numerous meanings, 'natural', 'associated with living organisms', 'constitutional in the structure of something'.
I was browsing the web I ran into a quote from Margaret Feinbergs "The Organic God" which sums it all up.
“But as I practice the art of listening to God, I am discovering that He is surprisingly talkative even in the silence. Prayers are not going unanswered as much as He is responding in unexpected ways. Listening to God’s voice requires more than just my ears; it requires my eyes, my mind, my spirit, my entire being to recognize the God-nudges in life. His voice is found in the wisdom of friends and spiritual leaders. He whispers through dreams and visions and abundant provision. He speaks through both conscience and conviction and an undeniable sense that some thoughts are more like God-thoughts than my own. He even speaks in the silence. In the process, I find myself both enticed and intrigued by Him. I find myself hanging on every word. God’s voice becomes the only voice I want to hear.”
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