Life's roadmap

"The unexamined life is not worth living." ~ Socrates.

I have been thinking lately about life and how we progress, grow. One of the things that has helped me figure myself out is writing. I write whenever, wherever I can. Sometimes out of the blue I will read something I wrote years ago and I might laugh, cry or be inspired. I can laugh at all the craziness that I have gone through and the mistakes I’ve made, sometimes those same things sadden me but ultimately I’m thankful because I can see how much I’ve grown. Sometimes I see that I’m struggling with the same thing, maybe in a different way and it upsets me because I should know better, and it gives me determination to work on it. It’s like I have created a map for myself: go here, don’t turn there, cliff waiting, don’t give into that, be more patient here, trust God more…and the list goes on.

Reading about myself helps me examine who I am and face the truth: good, bad, or ugly. I don’t claim that I always address what needs to be fixed heck sometimes I’m going in circles and hitting the same bump over and over. This is when I'm most frustrated with myself! The process of self-examination however continues to help me uncover who I am and where I want to be. The past has really been instrumental in making who I am today. I have learnt from my many mistakes. Wouldn’t I like to forget you ask? I read somewhere that there is a reason the windshield is bigger than the rearview mirror. When we look at what we left behind, it should be but a glimpse of what we have left behind, we should not dwell on it. We have the whole journey ahead of us. Sometimes, I dwell on the past way too much and then I’m hitting things on the road I could have avoided. Then I know I need to adjust my attitude and keep my eyes on the road. If we narrowly missed a deer, we should be on the lookout ahead. We are more alert at what life can throw at us, because we have been through it. We can look in the rear and learn from our victories, they give us confidence that we can be successful and whatever accomplishments we have had, we can kick it up a notch.

Last night I read a post where I had written about what a particularly wonderful day I had had. Looking back at my life that year, I cannot even possibly imagine that there were any happy days, not to mention it was in the middle of winter which to me might as well be renamed agony! It would appear that it was just one big blur of sadness as it was one of the most stressful years of my life. But there it was- in my own writing that I was good, happy even. Things are ten times better now than they were then and I still find myself with discontent. From further reading, I figured out what I was doing then that made life happy. I was praying, I was confident about what God was doing in my life despite my misery. So I know that I need to adjust my priorities and put God where he belongs, right by me, guiding me. That is why David wrote in Psalms: "The Lord is my shepherd", because if he truly is then all we have to do is follow him, we need not be lost.

Let the mind wander

My random thoughts for this week..

My uncle died, my cousin texted, “Dad is dead”….I can’t imagine what it takes to write that. I feel sad and I'm in denial. I mostly feel bad for my cousins-they are now orphans twice...they were adopted.

My parents take on a lot of burdens for the whole family and this worries me.

I think I’m going to like my new job very much. I love working with documents.

I plan on going home in Dec. Thank you Jesus!

There’s a pregnant teenager in my neighborhood. She is on baby #2; she has no bed, no clothes for her kids. It has made me think on another level. It has given my school and future work meaning.

You can’t be friends with everyone; I have learnt that in the last few years. You will be disappointed by many, be true to yourself, it’s the only thing that will count, don’t get swept up by the friendship current.

I have friends whom I barely see or talk to, but when we get to talk even if it’s once or twice a year; we laugh or cry like the time never passed. Even if I didn’t speak to them for 2 years, I know they would have my back instantly. I have ‘friends’ whom I laugh with regularly, I don’t think they are willing to cry with me. I need to do something about that.

I’m juggling a lot lately, new job, school, soccer mom, regular mom, fiancé, I’m overwhelmed.

I don’t like it that our society is so fragmented. I have to make time for church friends, co-workers, parents at school, my son’s soccer team friends, single friends, married friends, school friends, African friends all in 24 hours!

I don’t understand why we all just can’t get along. I once heard on radio the story of this guy who invites 50 people to his house for dinner on Sundays, anyone can come so long as they rsvp, it’s somewhere in Europe and I plan on looking him up if I’m ever that way. I wish I could do a Sunday dinner for even half that number for people to just let loose…without worrying about time, race, just enjoying the company of each other.

With that said, Criminal Minds is my all time favorite show so I know they are many crazy people. Did I say how much I looove some Shemar Moore? Fall premier did not disappoint.

"Jesu witu niwe watuonire,hindi iria tuorete agicoka agituonereria njira ya muoyo-ini". One of the songs we sang in elementary school. I don’t know why it’s been in my head. It means Jesus found us when we were lost and showed us the way to eternal life.

Without God, my life would be meaningless.

I have lived long enough to know that money is the root cause of very many evils. It takes some serious discernment, wisdom and Godliness to use money wisely when you have it in plenty. It seems to me the more money people make, the greedier they get, the less generous they get and the more arrogant and selfish they become. It’s just paper! The saddest part is that it disappears and if happiness and money go hand in hand for you, woe unto you!

I really enjoy my community health classes. If we addressed racism, we would significantly improve health outcomes.

I love my family so much and the greatest dilemma of my life is that I don’t get to spend much time with them. I have seriously been re-thinking my role in the diaspora and if it is worth it. At the moment, I’m arguing that it is because of my career prospects but with my son growing up without extended family,so not worth it…sigh.

Thanksgiving fears

Thanksgiving……I have a lot of things to be thankful for: family, friends, work, school, good health, good grades, etc. I’m so blessed which is why I feel a bit selfish for being so anxious about the actual holiday. The months of November and December bring happiness and sadness in much the same amounts. If I’m not travelling to see my family which is not so often, I know I will be in cold Chicago and I’m always anxious about being alone during the holidays and while everybody has happily made plans to be with their family, I’m always in that awkward state of unplanned Thanksgiving, unplanned Christmas. I almost hate it when people ask me what I’m doing for Thanksgiving. There are usually a number of scenarios when this question comes up with my response (in my head) after it.

Scenario 1: Person asking is going out of town to be with family. When I respond that I have no plans, there’s the usual, do you have family anywhere close or how often do you get to see your family? Sad story that I wish I didn’t have to recount.
Scenario 2: Person asking feels has family in town/burbs so they say that if I don’t have any plans, I can join their family for Thanksgiving. Maybe
Scenario 3: Person asking has family in town but it’s obvious Thanksgiving is “their” thing so the invitation is made in a weird way like “we’ll be home, you can always join us” sounding intrusive but willing to sacrifice type of vibe. A big NO
Scenario 4: Person asking is truly honestly concerned and especially if they are Africans in the Diaspora, I know they truly mean it. Most Likely

The comfortable scenario only happens about 10% of the time. How’s that possible? I know many people; ok I think I have friends.

See, I used to have this friend in Chicago who is real cool like family and I knew that unless they were going out of town, we would stick together for Thanksgiving wherever we were going to be. Too bad they moved to a different city and now I’m back to square one.

I’m not throwing a pity party for myself. I’m really not. But this has the tendency to make me want to have 5+ kids so I can always have a big family around me. Not a good reason but reasonable. So I’m thinking I should start my own party and invite people who have nowhere else to go as opposed to having the 5+ kids. I think that’s a better plan. Starting next year that is… See this year; I have this job with bare minimum vacation and school, mostly school. So I can’t afford to take up too much time entertaining while I have pending final exams!

I’m not sure where I was going with this but I’m thankful for my family that I know will be with me: my Lil and my Main man. Even if it’s just the 3 of us, we have a lot to be thankful for.

Random Monday

I've been kind of random lately.

I wish I didn't have to work today so I could sit in the sun. I love the sun, beats me why I live in Chicago.

I want to fly a kite, I discovered I could this past weekend and it was so much fun.

I discovered that some people in our church live on our street. I'm hoping they are the 'cool' neighbors who don't mind knocking on my door if they are walking past. I miss that.

I want to have a whole bunch of people in my house all the time because that makes me happy. If I could have a big family I would. That is how I grew up, there were always people in the house. If it wasn't my 3 siblings, there would be my cousins, aunts, neighbors, friends, friends of friends, people walking about who popped in, our househelp...the list is endless. If it ever happened that the house was empty and wanted company, you could walk into any of the above listed homes or compounds and have a good time.

Life is complicated.

My phone is sooo old and looks sooo dated. I don't care, I really don't so long as it works.

I'm too hard on myself. I'm slowly learning to let go.

Something that I was freaking out about (at work) just resolved miraculously. I should trust more, pray more and have faith that all things work out for good. Thank you Jesus!

I have the best boyfriend in the world. I think I'm extra hard on him as I continue to work on myself. I don't acknowledge his presence in my life as much as I should but he has been so supportive the last 1.5 years of our time together. I love him dearly.

My boss asked what I did this weekend and I replied " I flew a kite". LOL. She understands I have a child.

the times of my life

Sometimes I wonder if my life will ever be different or will forever be haunted by my past, if I will ever be independent of the decisions that I made when I was naïve and didn’t know better, If one day I can sit and not think of the why. Will it just ever be a move forward, a new chapter, the old one forgotten and insignificant?

Sometimes I cry thinking of the hardships I have had to endure the past few years. They cut to the essence of my being, completely tore me apart, left me vulnerable, rock bottom.

Sometimes I imagine how things would have been different. If I would have made it big, If I would be living elsewhere, if I would have gone back home, if I would be happy?

Most times nowadays I’m amazed at how far I have come, how much I have grown, how many people have been by side, how God can do amazing things.

Most times I hate to imagine that I would be living elsewhere, not knowing the people I know now, not knowing the love that surrounds me, not being the confident woman I am.

At all times, I am thankful for the lessons learned, the friendships formed, the knowledge and experience of being downright hopeless and gaining courage to rise to a better day.

I do hate drama

They say that hate is the emotion you have when you have some form of attachment to the other person. They say that indifference is simply not caring. Well, I really don’t care for this person and at the same time I feel so much hatred towards them. It is just so hard to move on sometimes when your lives are so intertwined and every now and then, I quiver at the thought of putting up with this for years to come. They just never stop with the bullshit. It’s actually possible for a person to brew madness, hop around it, drink it and attempt to share it. You think every now and then, they get tired but NOOO! I guess if they don’t know they are drinking and spewing poison that is ruining them, they cannot stop. In fact they think they are brewing quite the nice concoction so they attempt to convince you that you are the one who is indeed mad…WHAAT!! I don’t think I ever quite got the real meaning of wolf dressed in sheep’s clothing up until this point. This is not even a wolf, more like a menacing lion that hasn’t been fed in a while trying to act like sheep. It shows but yet they continue to parade around like one who wants to be a friend….even a lover…I shriek at this thought ,I would even tear my clothes and put on some ashes never to be. This is my world some days. The madness that doesn’t have to be yet it is there. Why can’t we all just live in peace, love and TRUTH?

business friend

Have you ever liked someone who was bad for you? You know very well they are not heading in the direction you want, and have no interest in steering you that way but you still like them....and they like you too. I mean, they are a good peeps, great conversation, but it’s one of those people you will never go anywhere with. Even as a friend they are questionable, because even if they are great, they do engage in some sought of questionable behavior by your standards. You start to wonder if you are being judgmental or if you should just accept people as they are and love them from a distance.

They have different ideas about how life works and maybe that is why you like them so much. Different is good, provides stimulating conversation and is quite the eye-opener. You don’t want to give that up but at the same time you don’t want to be associated too closely. Are you building yourself up or holding yourself back by having some sought of relationship with this person? Is there something as friend on a business basis even if there is no business?

Just wondering.