RIP Uncle

I got the dreaded call from my aunt. My uncle is no more, the cancer won. I feel like someone just put me in space and I'm floating, just floating going nowhere. I'm trying to feel what my aunt and my cousins are feeling right now; the pain of losing her husband, their dad, my uncle. I don't know what or how to, just like the rest of me, my mind is floating, not really fixed on anything.

I'm crying because it hurts. It hurts that he's gone, it hurts that I'm not there with my family, it hurts that I'm all alone in my apartment. I have to wake up tomorrow morning and go to work as 'usual'.

God I don't know how to deal with this one and I don't even know what to say to my aunt or cousins. I just texted them because there is nothing I could say that would make this better. Lord just take care of this one for me. I surrender. Thank you for the wonderful memories of my uncle. RIP uncle. I will miss you dearly.

May your will be done

Today I received a phone call from my aunt whom I haven't spoken to in a while. My aunt and uncle live in the suburbs of Philadelphia. I was in Philly couple months ago and tried to figure out where they lived last minute and somehow it didn't work out. My uncle finished his ministry degree last summer and was headed back to Kenya when he fell ill. I have known my uncle has been sick for a while now..something with his bladder I was told, and he was receiving medical care.

See this wasn't just any type of phone call, it was my aunt letting me know that my uncle is probably going to die. He was diagnosed with bladder cancer and has been in treatment on and off. Two hours before my aunt called, the doctor had let them know that the tumors had spread to his brain.

How can you have a normal conversation under such circumstances? The conversation with my aunt was borderline mechanical with me fighting to be present enough to embrace the reality of what she was saying. I was going down a list of whys in my head. I was filled with so much guilt. I had been planning on calling them since the beginning of the year and could possibly have visited with them two months ago. Now my uncle is lying in the hospital unable to eat, speak or do anything for himself. My aunt was strong, she said that they were waiting on God. I tried to find all the right words to say, we spoke about my son as diversion and how grown he is. I said that I was sorry, for not calling, so sorry for not being there, sorry for all the heartache she is going through.

I kept myself from crying and pushed the emotions back to where they are tucked deep inside. What I'm holding back is deeper than just my uncle. If I start crying I will have to cry for my grandmother, for my cousin, for my aunt, all the people in my family I have lost while I'm this far away. All those that I'm yet to mourn, those that I somehow keep alive in my memories and it makes it as if they are not really gone. I have a coping mechanism, call it denial or what you may but it works. It has helped me get over the most extreme of my circumstances in this land of lonely. So for now I will not cry. I want to remember my uncle as the teacher, the gentle soul, balding head, gap in his smile, house on the edge of Nakuru town.

He is not in any pain and he seems at peace according to my aunt. I'm so grateful I got to speak with my aunt today. I however regret that I was lacking in the comfort she may need right now. I know God can work miracles, should we be praying for healing? At what point do we accept death as reality? I told her that we will pray for God's will and that is what I'm doing today. Even though I don't know what to pray for, it's comforting that I can surrender it to God and ask for his will to be done.

No Worries

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus".

Phillipians 4:6-7

Going to be at a church retreat this weekend. I can't wait! I miss the outdoors, the sun, forests, water bodies, uniterrupted landscape. Hopefully will be a great time to unwind, pray and rejuvinate. Lots going on, my uncle is seriously ill with bladder cancer and chemo has really taken a toll on him...I'm in denial. I want to have great memories of my uncle whom I visited over my school breaks. I will have to keep Phillippians 4 in my mind. God please take away the pain that Uncle has, give him peace, heal him, let your will be done.

You've got to pray............

If there is one positive thing about the madness that sometimes exists in my life, its that it keeps me praying. Because most days that is ALL I can do...PRAY. I have to say it works and it's less stressful. One year post divorce and I'm finally cutting the final cord, the jointly owned car has now been refinanced at a 1% lower interest rate than I'm currently paying. Some things you just know when God has a hand it in like this one.

I have a new job, quiting my old one after only a year because I was miserable. I believe you can work and be happy so despite the grim economy, my God provided.

I'm truly blessed. I'm happy. I'm surrounded by many wonderful friends who constantly remind me that there is more to life. I get sad though, more than ever nowadays because I miss my family. There have been many days this year when all I have wanted is to just sit and talk to my mom or get a hug from her, hang out with my siblings and enjoy being grown up and watch my dad playing with my son...all that priceless. I think I have to put prayer if full gear because by faith I'm going home for Christmas! Yes, I'm affirming it because I know my God is able.

My prayer now is to be a good mom, find some balance as my son goes through Kindergarten, some patience because God knows they can kill you with all that homework they give. Giving advice to a 5 year old is like talking to a brick wall because they seriously think they are grown up and can figure it out...lol.

Thank you Lord, I made it.