May your will be done

Today I received a phone call from my aunt whom I haven't spoken to in a while. My aunt and uncle live in the suburbs of Philadelphia. I was in Philly couple months ago and tried to figure out where they lived last minute and somehow it didn't work out. My uncle finished his ministry degree last summer and was headed back to Kenya when he fell ill. I have known my uncle has been sick for a while now..something with his bladder I was told, and he was receiving medical care.

See this wasn't just any type of phone call, it was my aunt letting me know that my uncle is probably going to die. He was diagnosed with bladder cancer and has been in treatment on and off. Two hours before my aunt called, the doctor had let them know that the tumors had spread to his brain.

How can you have a normal conversation under such circumstances? The conversation with my aunt was borderline mechanical with me fighting to be present enough to embrace the reality of what she was saying. I was going down a list of whys in my head. I was filled with so much guilt. I had been planning on calling them since the beginning of the year and could possibly have visited with them two months ago. Now my uncle is lying in the hospital unable to eat, speak or do anything for himself. My aunt was strong, she said that they were waiting on God. I tried to find all the right words to say, we spoke about my son as diversion and how grown he is. I said that I was sorry, for not calling, so sorry for not being there, sorry for all the heartache she is going through.

I kept myself from crying and pushed the emotions back to where they are tucked deep inside. What I'm holding back is deeper than just my uncle. If I start crying I will have to cry for my grandmother, for my cousin, for my aunt, all the people in my family I have lost while I'm this far away. All those that I'm yet to mourn, those that I somehow keep alive in my memories and it makes it as if they are not really gone. I have a coping mechanism, call it denial or what you may but it works. It has helped me get over the most extreme of my circumstances in this land of lonely. So for now I will not cry. I want to remember my uncle as the teacher, the gentle soul, balding head, gap in his smile, house on the edge of Nakuru town.

He is not in any pain and he seems at peace according to my aunt. I'm so grateful I got to speak with my aunt today. I however regret that I was lacking in the comfort she may need right now. I know God can work miracles, should we be praying for healing? At what point do we accept death as reality? I told her that we will pray for God's will and that is what I'm doing today. Even though I don't know what to pray for, it's comforting that I can surrender it to God and ask for his will to be done.