I've never liked Mondays

I had a fabulous weekend; I mean the most perfect weather but come Monday morning I was feeling like crap. Honestly I don’t even know how I survived at work. Usually when I feel this horrible I make an attempt to cover it up by dressing up just so I can feel just a little better. Yesterday, I didn’t even bother. So I looked like crap and felt exactly that way. Have you ever just felt like you were backsliding so to speak; you were taking great leaps in a positive direction then something happens and you are spiraling back to square one? This was me on Sunday night and all of Monday.

I feel like I have made met significant milestones in terms of personal growth but this whole divorce is taking a major toll on me. I thought were done but more adjustments had to be made and more talk about the past and all the ugliness starts to resurface. I made contact and yelled, got pissed off, mad and angry all at the same time. I’m mad at all the unfairness in this world. I’m even sadder that I’m at the receiving end of it.

Then I started going through all my decisions doubting myself and beating myself up for having ended up here. But I am mostly mad at myself up for listening to someone and letting them make me feel so small and so dumb, not in the past but two days ago!! I should know better! Why did I give them so much power to ruin my sleep and my day? I was so disgusted. I kept bursting out in tears every time I thought about it. I called my mentor who listened to my ranting and even though I was looking for advice, I knew exactly what I needed to do. I opened the door to the madness and I needed to close it.

Sometimes you need to distance yourself and it doesn’t mean you haven’t forgiven. I have to let go of the dream that someone might change. I can only change my reaction. Then I have to be easy on myself. She reminded me that divorce is grieving a loss and I need to relieve myself off the idea that I should be all happy because I moved from an unhappy situation. I still lost something that I had thought very valuable, I lost a dream, some innocence and love I had for this person. It’s Tuesday and I feel a little better already. I haven’t cried, I stopped myself from doing stupid stuff to distract myself like shopping and calling old flames to make myself feel better. It was normal day today. Someone brought cake to work and it made me feel so much better, somehow.