bluey day

Some days are just not
The very best they could be
Some days I wish
I could just sit and drink tea
Some days I know
It's only clouds I will see
Some days like today
I just want to be free
Some days are just
Very obscure, I agree

Narcissism at its best

Some people take too much energy to deal with such as the ex-husband. I’m not a hater by any means. I have moved on, but we do co-parent and as such I have to make the best of the interaction. I have researched Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) and I will not attempt to label anyone as such, they are doing a great job living it out. As found in wikipedia, narcissism to the extreme results in NPD. NPD is considered to result from a “person’s belief that he or she is flawed in a way that makes the person fundamentally unacceptable to others. This belief is held below the person’s conscious awareness; such a person would typically deny thinking such a thing if questioned. In order to protect themselves against the intolerably painful rejection and isolation they imagine would follow if others recognized their supposedly defective nature, such people make strong attempts to control others’ view of them and behavior towards them”.

The following list is also found in wikipedia, to summarise the characteristics of NPD. It has to be a pattern not isolated incidents:

• has a grandiose sense of self-importance
• is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
• believes that he or she is "special" and unique and can only be understood by other special people
• requires excessive admiration
• strong sense of entitlement
• takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends
• lacks empathy
• is often envious or believes others are envious of him or her
• arrogant affect.

Yesterday I made an attempt to communicate to the ex. He proved that NO form of communication can exist between this man and I. It will wring every bit of energy out of you. It’s a little scary, he has some form of psychological condition that I will not bother to diagnose ( I do have a hunch). He will lie, manipulate and intimidate to get his way or preserve his ‘image’. I mean this man can lie… bold faced lies that can only be interpreted to mean that he thinks you are dumb. Image is everything to him, he wants me to know how important he is at work, at church (yes church!) and that he has material wealth. He is known to throw out the words, blackberry at unnecessary moments, or “I’m going to write you an email right now on my laptop”…Yeah, kwani how else are emails sent? Just wants me to know he has acquired a new laptop. He is obsessed with the idea of success. He is obsessed with ideal love; he has a hard time figuring out why I would possibly leave him. He believes that he deserves special treatment and lives by arrogance. He lacks empathy at all levels, if he needs anything he will intimidate, and of course lie to no end. He believes that I’m envious of him…lol, far from it. In view of all this you would ask, “What did you ever see in this man?” Trust me; this is the million dollar question I ask myself everyday. Life can only be understood backwards, but must be lived forward (Soren Kierkgaard). I have only become wiser.

The man

I met a man
I stared in his eyes, he stared back
So gentle his gaze
So charming his look

I met a man
I held his hand, he held mine
So sincere his face
So warm his embrace

I met a man
I fumbled for words, he mumbled
So caught off guard
So intense this emotion

I met a man
I kissed him, he kissed me
So delicate his touch
So captivating his breath

I met a man
I want him to be mine
So I’m still dreaming of
So great a feeling

I met a man
I stir, I stare, do I dare?
So unreal this impression
So what do I do with this man I have met?

No way Jose!

One of the fun elements of having a social life is the type of characters that I meet. I like going out with friends and not interested in picking up dates (at least not now). I prefer to dance in a group or by myself but seeing this is not always possible, I have set some boundaries. As a rule of thumb, I don’t give out my phone number, I don’t dance with any guy who’s not a friend or don’t have a special connection with. They have to be good-looking by my standards, confident, respectful and well-dressed. Rarely, I meet someone whom I really dig and I might bend (not break) a rule. On even more rare occasions I may break a rule or two (blame it on the drink).I try and speak to guys who seem intriguing but only if I am so inclined. I’m shy but on one or two occasions I have been know to walk upto someone and introduce myself if I think they are worth the time. Now, some people will try and get at you, even if you give them the eye and all so fake smile. If I give you an excuse for not dancing with you, then by all means move on, I will NOT change my mind!!

This past weekend I met one of those, unfortunately I have met this guy before, out of my senses, I had given him my phone number. I talked to him the first time out of respect, I let him know I was busy (I’m never busy for friends). He called numerous times after that, all left unanswered, but apparently he did not get the hint. Thank God I changed my phone number. Anyway this last time, he asked for my phone number again. He said he would like to call me but he lost my number. I told him if he lost it, I can’t have been that important. He continued to say that I did not take any of his phone calls (but he still wanted my no.?) What type of sign do some people need, a diagram of do not call? Kwanza all this happened after I had, politely refused a drink..he asked again (sigh) and I agreed. I made it clear by my body language that I did not want to dance with him. I excused myself twice..no good reason, just trying to get out of the space and both times, he found me at some other spot that I was enjoying myself! He even found me with this guy that I was digging and holy crap they knew each other. So I acted cordial. This is all on top of the fact that this guy is shorter than me, wore an ugly oversize shirt, chest open with a (fake) gold chain hanging, some type of hat that he really should throw in the garbage….Oh Lawd! The answer to the phone number this time was not an excuse and not even polite. It was a NO.

theme poem

Freedom

I am a prisoner
Trapped
Never to move
Never to express myself
Never to be heard

I am a prisoner
Manipulated
Trying to move
Trying to express myself
Words twisted, never heard

I’m a prisoner
Motivated
Making the first step
Speaking up despite the fear
Heard

I’m not a prisoner
Liberated
Moving mountains
Expressing myself
Respected

I’m not a prisoner
Independent
Free to love
Head held up high
I am free!

I like poetry, I remember trying to 'dissect' poetry in high school. What was that all about? There are some rules I guess but I wrote this poem my own way. I wrote it when I was going through some heavy stuff. I went though every one of those stages. It's not an implied meaning. I have experienced abuse in my life and have overcome and that is what is most important. When you have to come into contact with someone who has abused you, it becomes imperative to find yourself so that you are not always taking a step back every time there is interaction. Yesterday I had to be in the same space as this person, I'm always anxious when this happens. But yesterday I had no negative or anxious feelings, I just wondered what I ever saw in that man...that's all. The hardest thing is forgiving myself because regardless of the other person, there are choices I made in my life that led me there...that is the really hard part. The greatest part is the wisdom I have acquired in the trying times. I know how it feels to be in a place of powerlessness and fear. I know how it feels to loose yourself, and feel like you are going crazy. I know how it feels to be in denial. But I am no longer naive, no longer afraid, no longer in denial. I embrace who I am and embrace reality. I know my boundaries, I know when to walk away or run fast. Every now and then, I stop to reflect on how far I've come, I don't dwell on it but I know it's a part of me.

I saw Dream Girls

I haven't been to the movies in years...ok maybe not but I just don't find any movie worth $10 these days. But seeing that this is my b-day week, I decided to splurge(lol) on Dream Girls last night. It was an ok movie, I enjoyed J. Hudson's singing ....I didn't dig the story line and obviously I haven't seen a musical in a while or I've outgrown them but why oh why burst into song when all you need to say is "I'm angry, I'm leaving..I don't even know why Effie was insisting on staying with a jamaa who obviously didn't want her, asking him to love her???The best part overall about the movie was that it was free...the AMC messed up the sound quality of the movie halfway thru and even though we watched all of it, we got our money back!!So the weekend is looking a bit dry and I have all the time in the world since my babyBoy is staying with his dad. The only plot I have is to clean up my place..arrghh. I'm glad its Friday though coz this was one of the busiest weeks I've had in a long time and I feel like I deserve to spoil myself. I guess this is good, it will help me catch up on much needed rest...in anticipation of the best show on TV ...24 !

toast to 2007

My main motivator in life is my baby Boy. I can’t believe I have been a mother clocking 4 years this January. It’s been such a journey with both ups and downs that has brought me to the place where I am now. I’m starting this year as a single mom and sometimes when I think about this I scare myself. Mostly because of ideas I have acquired over the years about single mothers. I never in a million years would have imagined myself here but now that I am I can never imagine myself elsewhere. I have never been happier with who I am and even more hopeful about the future. I feel like I have finally got to that place..when you are comfortable in your own skin, don’t go crazy over other people’s opinions, don’t let your family overwhelm you, choose friends wisely without riding peer pressure, just taking everything in stride. At my age the usual worries are finding a nice guy/marriage/kids but I feel like I’ve already been there done that, moving on! I enjoy spending time with my son and being the best parent I can be. I enjoy hanging out without the pressure of jumping into things.
Did I say I’m excited about the New Year? That is what I like about having a birthday in Jan, it helps refocus and start afresh. So today on my B-day I declare this to be the year of prosperity! I hope to have a greater financial security, save more, spend less, invest wisely, and still have more fun doing it. I want to spend more time in positive thought, doing more for my son, church and charity. I want to spend more time meditating, jogging, and being creative. Career wise, I will be certified so I upgrade my status and definitely make more money by the end of the year. I refuse to tag last year’s baggage. I have to work on my waking up schedule and I may have to cut out 11pm Oprah. Oprah I love you but damn it, going to bed at midnight just aint doing it anymore. I will be more in touch with family and friends. I will remember b-days of people who are important to me starting with myself today!! I promise to love myself and do good by myself. I have learnt that this is an important first step of loving others. I will stop being so critical of myself when things don’t go as planned. I’m overly excited at the prospects this year will bring, but heck why not? It’s just me, my baby Boy and God, mostly in the reverse order and I know it’s gonna be aight!