Today I mourn:my relationship, love, a dream, a lifetime deferred. God, I was so not prepared for this. I went from being ecstatic about a lifetime to being completely deflated by the disappointment, never ending excuses and eventually the bitter reality.
Today I mourn for my son, for the life that he thought he would have, and the expectations that he has held. My heart just breaks for him so much. How could I let him love someone who would disappoint him then distance himself? How could I, what kind of mother does that…twice? Can I ever forgive myself?
Today I mourn for my parents, for the trouble they have had to go through and for the pain that they bear on my behalf. They wish me well and it’s so hard for them to see me keep falling over and over again. I thank God for their support and wisdom..yes, mostly wisdom even when I didn’t notice it, I realize now how wise they have been.
Tomorrow, maybe tomorrow, I will mourn for me.
Sunday, June 26, 2011
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
The Yo-Yo effect
You are up
You are down
Feeling great
Then feeling burst
Sometimes just over-stretched
Is this what life is really about?
One day smell the roses
Some others just too cloudy
Nothing appeases
How about some predictability?
Do the downs last longer
Than the coming ups ?
Or is it as they say,
Darkest right before dawn?
Who holds the string, who tugs?
I prayed for answers
Just one I did find
There is a master at work
For all the ups and downs
Prepare me somehow
While up I will praise
While down I will overcome
Gaining strength and humility
Whether up or down
The master is my guide
You are down
Feeling great
Then feeling burst
Sometimes just over-stretched
Is this what life is really about?
One day smell the roses
Some others just too cloudy
Nothing appeases
How about some predictability?
Do the downs last longer
Than the coming ups ?
Or is it as they say,
Darkest right before dawn?
Who holds the string, who tugs?
I prayed for answers
Just one I did find
There is a master at work
For all the ups and downs
Prepare me somehow
While up I will praise
While down I will overcome
Gaining strength and humility
Whether up or down
The master is my guide
Lord take this hurt
It hurts to think
It hurts to sleep
My dreams haunt me
My to be life extraordinaire
Now my nightmare
It hurts to love
It hurts to be hurt
My heart is broken
My to be life extraordinaire
Now just a crazy idea?
The things I liked
Are just passing me by
My God, how did I get here?
Did I loose sight,
Of what you desire my life to be?
The things I planned
Now just seem obscured
By all this hurt
Help me gain but a mustard seed
Size of faith to see the sun
If I know one thing
Is in You I have hope
I give you my hurt
Heal me Lord
Turn it into a blessing
In place of all the hurt
I accept your grace and pardon
For peace and joy are mine
And a new vision
To keep on loving
It hurts to sleep
My dreams haunt me
My to be life extraordinaire
Now my nightmare
It hurts to love
It hurts to be hurt
My heart is broken
My to be life extraordinaire
Now just a crazy idea?
The things I liked
Are just passing me by
My God, how did I get here?
Did I loose sight,
Of what you desire my life to be?
The things I planned
Now just seem obscured
By all this hurt
Help me gain but a mustard seed
Size of faith to see the sun
If I know one thing
Is in You I have hope
I give you my hurt
Heal me Lord
Turn it into a blessing
In place of all the hurt
I accept your grace and pardon
For peace and joy are mine
And a new vision
To keep on loving
The day the Lord moved
“The Lord himself goes before you, and will be with you”. Deuteronomy 31:8
Have you ever reached a time when you felt exhausted with and by the things going on around you? Have you ever felt that you needed God to intervene in order for things to work? Yet at the same time the frustration of the situation overcomes you and you become so downcast? This was me the morning I was supposed to move out of my apartment. I was exhausted physically and emotionally. I had been planning this move the month prior, packing meticulously albeit slowly, but by the morning of, the task at hand just seemed so monumental; much more than I could handle and certainly more than I had anticipated. Everything about this move had been exhausting, from finding out that I needed to move sooner that I anticipated and the grueling task of finding a new place amidst having final exams. So by the morning of the move, I was defeated by what I saw in front of me. I heard the ‘bleep’ on my phone signifying my daily Bible verse text; I knew it was already 8 am and I prayed a simple prayer (or complaint), “God I don’t know how I’m going to do this!” The answer came in the form of that bible verse text message in Deuteronomy 31:8.
It was one of those moments you know God is going to work but you don’t know how. I just figured that I was going to get strength to work or somehow the packing would become magically easier than I thought. I looked at the boxes and then at all my stuff….if I worked nonstop for the next five hours, I thought, I should be good by the time the movers get here. The more I worked, the more insurmountable the work became. That was the end of myself and the beginning of God. God spoke to a dear friend who decided to come in earlier than planned and another friend who called and wanted to know if I needed help. I’m not sure why I had not even asked for help in the first place. Is it ever like that in your life, that you feel that you can do it all by yourself? It is uncomfortable to ask people for help, this is the culture of do-it-yourself; but this is not God’s way of doing things. My friend whom I had not even asked, in a heartbeat cleared not only hers but her family’s schedule for the day to come help me, and help me they did! I did not ask or tell or direct, they did what needed to get done. The movers were pleasant and worked hard.
God is so gracious, he is at work in our lives even when we cannot speak or do for ourselves. Let us not have such low expectations of God, he is our God, our Alpha and Omega. He says that his grace is sufficient for us and made perfect in weakness. I’m a planner, I could have probably planned this move meticulously and way in advance but because I was removed from it and indeed had little to do with how things turned out, I was able to see God intervening in this situation however minute it may seem. I can’t even put in words how much love I felt from those friends that day, but more importantly how much I felt that God was asking of me to just have a little bit more faith, be a bit more trusting and give up control of things I can’t even control. God takes care of the birds; in Luke 12 he says “How much more valuable are you than the birds!” If he can take care of birds, flowers and wild grass, we should know that our God cares about us in every situation! We need God and we need the fellowship of the people he has put around us. Let us seek God and his kingdom and he will reveal to us his perfect plan in our lives. Do not underestimate God and keep praying for he is about to move in your life if a way you may not have an understanding of and in the way that you need. We can trust him with all things big and small.
2 Corinthians 12:9 “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. So then I will boast most gladly about my weakness so that the power of Christ may reside in me.”
Have you ever reached a time when you felt exhausted with and by the things going on around you? Have you ever felt that you needed God to intervene in order for things to work? Yet at the same time the frustration of the situation overcomes you and you become so downcast? This was me the morning I was supposed to move out of my apartment. I was exhausted physically and emotionally. I had been planning this move the month prior, packing meticulously albeit slowly, but by the morning of, the task at hand just seemed so monumental; much more than I could handle and certainly more than I had anticipated. Everything about this move had been exhausting, from finding out that I needed to move sooner that I anticipated and the grueling task of finding a new place amidst having final exams. So by the morning of the move, I was defeated by what I saw in front of me. I heard the ‘bleep’ on my phone signifying my daily Bible verse text; I knew it was already 8 am and I prayed a simple prayer (or complaint), “God I don’t know how I’m going to do this!” The answer came in the form of that bible verse text message in Deuteronomy 31:8.
It was one of those moments you know God is going to work but you don’t know how. I just figured that I was going to get strength to work or somehow the packing would become magically easier than I thought. I looked at the boxes and then at all my stuff….if I worked nonstop for the next five hours, I thought, I should be good by the time the movers get here. The more I worked, the more insurmountable the work became. That was the end of myself and the beginning of God. God spoke to a dear friend who decided to come in earlier than planned and another friend who called and wanted to know if I needed help. I’m not sure why I had not even asked for help in the first place. Is it ever like that in your life, that you feel that you can do it all by yourself? It is uncomfortable to ask people for help, this is the culture of do-it-yourself; but this is not God’s way of doing things. My friend whom I had not even asked, in a heartbeat cleared not only hers but her family’s schedule for the day to come help me, and help me they did! I did not ask or tell or direct, they did what needed to get done. The movers were pleasant and worked hard.
God is so gracious, he is at work in our lives even when we cannot speak or do for ourselves. Let us not have such low expectations of God, he is our God, our Alpha and Omega. He says that his grace is sufficient for us and made perfect in weakness. I’m a planner, I could have probably planned this move meticulously and way in advance but because I was removed from it and indeed had little to do with how things turned out, I was able to see God intervening in this situation however minute it may seem. I can’t even put in words how much love I felt from those friends that day, but more importantly how much I felt that God was asking of me to just have a little bit more faith, be a bit more trusting and give up control of things I can’t even control. God takes care of the birds; in Luke 12 he says “How much more valuable are you than the birds!” If he can take care of birds, flowers and wild grass, we should know that our God cares about us in every situation! We need God and we need the fellowship of the people he has put around us. Let us seek God and his kingdom and he will reveal to us his perfect plan in our lives. Do not underestimate God and keep praying for he is about to move in your life if a way you may not have an understanding of and in the way that you need. We can trust him with all things big and small.
2 Corinthians 12:9 “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. So then I will boast most gladly about my weakness so that the power of Christ may reside in me.”
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
the years happenings so far
I have neglected this blog, the busyness of life this winter has been a bit much, but I think of stuff I need to write daily. A lot is happening:
My lil man got his eye glasses yesterday, I can't believe it! He does not reeeally need them but he is a bit shortsighted..sigh. Apparently it's because children spend more time indoors and read more at an early age so...I'm thinking we might spend all summer in the wild just to correct that nearsightedness. $85 for the pair and I hope I do not go home to hear that they are missing broken. I spotted him putting them in his pocket yesterday and cautioned him that it's the best way to have broken glasses. On the flip side, I made sure to buy warranty.
This kid is soo grown. It sometimes breaks my heart but then again, this is the process of life. I signed him up for cooking class after school and he has been teaching me how to hold a knife. He really wanted to cut the onion last night, yikes! I wanted him to appreciate food and cooking health but he's taken it to the next level. Of course he does not stop with the funnies: "why does your hair start so far off your forehead, why can't it start closer"...referring to my big forehead- kids have guts! Yesterday he noticed he had lines under his eyes and wanted me to help him "remove" them. I asked him to wash his face and lotion up after which he was mad because his "lines" were still there. I asked him to drink more water.
School is school, what can I say...I am learning a lot, and sometimes it makes me mad, because I learn how oppressive the 'system' can be. I have been working in a marginalized community and I can't believe the level of poverty, desperation, neglect and hopelessness. Sometimes it's too much. I have made some friends there and I hope to work in garden there over the summer. The people I have met have been so warm. How come poor people tend to be warm, they have a lot more to complain about. It's hard to find well-to do folks who are so warm.
My relationship..I don't know, but I know that relationships are hardwork and that whoever said men are from Mars and women from Venus was right! I'm too grown for compromise but then again a health relationship requires that.
The weather is getting better, thank God, because winter believe it or not, and 10 years of it later, is STILL not my thing.
I'm still mad that I live so far from my family, and that life is so isolated over here. Maybe I need to get over it but it bugs me and I'm praying that God changes some things around so I'm able to move back close to my family. I believe it's going to happen, SOMEHOW!
God is still being God. I have a closer relationship with him now that I did at the beginning of the year. I'm reminded that life does not make sense without God and I continue to seek him, actually I'm learning to surrender....all. I have had to readjust my life, get rid of some friendships, make time for healthy ones, put my career in his hands, I know he has a great plan. I'm praying for faith and trust to take big leaps to the place he has for me. I know that where I'm now is just temporary but I'm learning a few lessons that will help me ahead. I think that is what God does.
My lil man got his eye glasses yesterday, I can't believe it! He does not reeeally need them but he is a bit shortsighted..sigh. Apparently it's because children spend more time indoors and read more at an early age so...I'm thinking we might spend all summer in the wild just to correct that nearsightedness. $85 for the pair and I hope I do not go home to hear that they are missing broken. I spotted him putting them in his pocket yesterday and cautioned him that it's the best way to have broken glasses. On the flip side, I made sure to buy warranty.
This kid is soo grown. It sometimes breaks my heart but then again, this is the process of life. I signed him up for cooking class after school and he has been teaching me how to hold a knife. He really wanted to cut the onion last night, yikes! I wanted him to appreciate food and cooking health but he's taken it to the next level. Of course he does not stop with the funnies: "why does your hair start so far off your forehead, why can't it start closer"...referring to my big forehead- kids have guts! Yesterday he noticed he had lines under his eyes and wanted me to help him "remove" them. I asked him to wash his face and lotion up after which he was mad because his "lines" were still there. I asked him to drink more water.
School is school, what can I say...I am learning a lot, and sometimes it makes me mad, because I learn how oppressive the 'system' can be. I have been working in a marginalized community and I can't believe the level of poverty, desperation, neglect and hopelessness. Sometimes it's too much. I have made some friends there and I hope to work in garden there over the summer. The people I have met have been so warm. How come poor people tend to be warm, they have a lot more to complain about. It's hard to find well-to do folks who are so warm.
My relationship..I don't know, but I know that relationships are hardwork and that whoever said men are from Mars and women from Venus was right! I'm too grown for compromise but then again a health relationship requires that.
The weather is getting better, thank God, because winter believe it or not, and 10 years of it later, is STILL not my thing.
I'm still mad that I live so far from my family, and that life is so isolated over here. Maybe I need to get over it but it bugs me and I'm praying that God changes some things around so I'm able to move back close to my family. I believe it's going to happen, SOMEHOW!
God is still being God. I have a closer relationship with him now that I did at the beginning of the year. I'm reminded that life does not make sense without God and I continue to seek him, actually I'm learning to surrender....all. I have had to readjust my life, get rid of some friendships, make time for healthy ones, put my career in his hands, I know he has a great plan. I'm praying for faith and trust to take big leaps to the place he has for me. I know that where I'm now is just temporary but I'm learning a few lessons that will help me ahead. I think that is what God does.
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Fallacy
Oh the idiots that make this world run, how would we live without them?
They provide drama, unquestionable lunacy
Entertain us while so proving their knowledge
But in the end, we know they just
Want to be wanted, needed, heard, understood - maybe
All the while projecting their insecurities
Trying to make others look bad
So they can look good
It might save some image, even get them one foot in
But it never cures the inside
See you cannot lie to yourself forever - I think
Unless totally disillusioned,
And then what a waste of life
Take heed if you encounter one, do not be fooled
Do not partake; let them roll in it - folly that is
Oh the narcissists of this world, if only you knew
The only place you are king, is in your own head!
This is an actual encounter with a narcissist, 1/12/2011
They provide drama, unquestionable lunacy
Entertain us while so proving their knowledge
But in the end, we know they just
Want to be wanted, needed, heard, understood - maybe
All the while projecting their insecurities
Trying to make others look bad
So they can look good
It might save some image, even get them one foot in
But it never cures the inside
See you cannot lie to yourself forever - I think
Unless totally disillusioned,
And then what a waste of life
Take heed if you encounter one, do not be fooled
Do not partake; let them roll in it - folly that is
Oh the narcissists of this world, if only you knew
The only place you are king, is in your own head!
This is an actual encounter with a narcissist, 1/12/2011
Monday, January 17, 2011
2011 - year of faith and hope
This is definitely a sign of the times. It's half-way through January and I have not blogged once. I have had so many things to say it's burning in my head. For starters I went home sweet home in December. That is all there is to say, because that is total relaxation mode so much so I didn't want to be bothered with internet and all to do a post. It was heavenly and like all other times, I wished that it had been a one-way ticket.
Sadly I have returned to my life, now reduced to the dash to the car, work, school, home for the next 5 months. No room to smell roses - heck there are no roses! Just bushy reminders that summer will come again and that we will again forget this zombie-like life that winter produces not to mention the serious denial. I mean when it's 30 degrees we rejoice because it's not 10 degrees and it has "warmed up". What kind of crap is that?
O Lord once more help me survive this winter with grace, humility and a thankful heart.It's hard, very hard, but I believe I'm here in Chicago for a reason. I believe in the Lord's plan for this year and I'm really excited even though I'm not sure what the totality of it will be.
Thank God for God's grace, how else could we go on without the hope he offers?
Sadly I have returned to my life, now reduced to the dash to the car, work, school, home for the next 5 months. No room to smell roses - heck there are no roses! Just bushy reminders that summer will come again and that we will again forget this zombie-like life that winter produces not to mention the serious denial. I mean when it's 30 degrees we rejoice because it's not 10 degrees and it has "warmed up". What kind of crap is that?
O Lord once more help me survive this winter with grace, humility and a thankful heart.It's hard, very hard, but I believe I'm here in Chicago for a reason. I believe in the Lord's plan for this year and I'm really excited even though I'm not sure what the totality of it will be.
Thank God for God's grace, how else could we go on without the hope he offers?
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