I miss my mom

There are some things that don't change no matter how old we are. Some days like today I just want my mom...and on days like this when I'm having an incredibly hard day, I regret why I live so far from my family and I'm filled with immense sadness and helplessness. I really hate that I live so far away and its something that I think about on a daily basis. I don't think my life is much better just because I make more than I would make living at home. I struggle with whether the education and pursuit of the American dream is worth it after all not to mention enduring 5 months of bitter cold and lack of sunshine.
I called my family today, and somehow instead of making me feel better, I felt sad. I am missing all those chances of laughter and sharing. I'm always rushing, busy, lot of times lonely and feeling so heavily laden as a sole provider for myself and lil man.
Ok so I'm getting married and to a great man...but at this point this is a bit
stressful in itself...where are we going to live, when is the wedding, how big, how much...YIKES!!! Lots of endless questions...I don't have time or space in my brain. I need to file my taxes, fill out my FAFSA, complete my homework assignment, catch up with the pile of reading, sell some chocolates for lil man's school fundraiser, meet with his teacher...and that's why I need my mom, because she would hug me and let me know that it was all going to be ok and I would feel better.
She did let me know that it was not going to be like this forever and that I needed to trust that God knows what I'm going through and he can lighten this load. If I didn't believe in Jesus, I don't know where I would be right now. I know in the back of my head that he cares and is right here with me. Sure, it's not my mom but he has a special way of letting me know that it's going to be ok. So that's all I'm banking on now, the Lords promise to always be with me, strengthen me.
"Do not be anxious, about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guide your heart and your mind, in Christ Jesus." Phillipians 4:6

Wow, I have a blog...

Ok, so my life has been totally hectic and amidst my pile of paperwork I remembered this blog and how good it feels to write without being 'forced'. I have posts stored in my head that I have been wanting to put down and now that I started I'm afraid I might not stop...but I have to, because of a minor thing called a MIDTERM on Thursday!! First of all...don't know why they call it midterm because it's only been a few weeks and it's not midsemester but to help it make sense there is midterm 1 and 2.
Epidemiology is an interesting subject, I loove this class. Actually I love school and work is cramping my style right now. My boss seems to be yelling more than usual and I'm not liking it the least bit. I had a co-worker walk right out and quit a couple weeks ago and lately I've been dreaming about doing the same thing...yeah, stick it to them...but that is where it shall stay for now because I don't have a trust fund, I digress. Back to school,the place where fulfillment and stress meet, but I can live with that.
My baby boy a.k.a lil man has seen Mommy less because of the massive amounts of work I've had and crazy schedule. I never cease to amaze myself at how I always manage to overschedule myself. Typical characteristic acquired from my dad. I'm part of a group fundraising for microfinance projects in Kenya, I volunteered to give an overview of Africa as one of the few in my church this week, also thought it would be cool to teach a Kiswahili song to a couple people...mental note: meet with band and vocalists on Thursday night. I want to volunteer for another fabulous health project(meeting with director has been pending for a few weeks now), small group(church) meeting this Tuesday after study group meeting, sell those chocolates for lil man's school fundraiser, my friend just had a baby today and need to see her, need to return phone that I bought over the weekend...too much, my brain is barely functional. On top of all that, we are getting a winter storm that will make commuting a nightmare!!!!
I thought writing this post would make me feel better but it's only outlined how
scatter-brained I am right this minute and how many things need to be done. So I think I have to stop writing and do something else...yeah forgot about doing my taxes. Those need to be done ASAP so I can fill in my loans information....
If my family is reading this, pray for me. Lord, I need to feel some sanity in my life, give me wisdom to figure these things out.

I turned 30....

I feel just about the same as I did yesterday.
I may have noticed a gray hair that wasn’t there
Probably a wrinkle making its way
But I keep on walking without a care
My confidence keeps them at bay

A new chapter of life started with a prayer
To be the best I could without delay
Spread some happiness, ease some despair
Forgive myself and others for all gone astray
For only then can peace be mine to declare

I embrace my life without dismay
Trust God for my future, faith and hope to share
With family and friends everyday
Those moments precious and rare
And the greatest of all, Love to always display

30s here I come!

That 'stuff' on his head....

So my Lil Man, does not like taking a bath....initially, because once he gets in, you know the story, he does not want to get out!! So this past Tue was no exception. He fought and gave excuses like he has not touched any dirt, he is too tired to take a bath. Of course I was not having it.

Once in the tub as usual, he decides he likes taking a bath but a Charlie Brown Christmas show that was coming on saved the bath toys. Yesterday was really cold and our place takes forever to warm up so I washed him washed his hair, pulled the stopper. By now he was acclimated to the bath idea and was still in the tub waiting for all the water to go down. I grabbed a dry face cloth and asked him to dry his hair quickly so he does not get cold. So his response.."No it's ok mommmy, I don't want to dry my hair." (I expected that, 6 year olds always want to do the opposite of what you tell them)
Me: But you will be really cold if you don't."
"No I won't, because hair has fur on it that protects it from being cold!"

Say What?!

My son has fur on his hair. I love how 6 yr olds think. I guess it makes some sense. Why should your head feel cold if it has a layer of hair/fur on it?

I was going to explain the whole evaporation/cold/heat business but I was too busy laughing. I love me some Lil Man humor.

the madness pokes its head

In true tradition of this blog, I have to record my recent run-ins with the truly narcissistic EX. Apparently the world has crumbled because I revealed to my lil man that he will be travelling to visit his grandma this Christmas. I didn't have any intentions of doing it but he overheard me on the phone. I didn't think it was a big deal since no explicit instructions were given NOT to reveal.

So I get the part where someone would be mad, but the part where they feel the need to shame me, put me down, call me names and claim that I'm out to ruin a father/son relationship? Total narcissism and once again I praise the Lord from delivering me from the mouth of this lunacy. The Text word for word "Once again you have shown your ignorance about a father son relationship. Next time super glue your lips shut, that way u can have plenty of time to think before you run another great surprise between X(lil man) and I". This is after my very sincere apology.....This is a series of events just in this past week. Who the crap does he think he is? I honestly feel sorry for this man so I'm not even replying but the most saddening part is I often wonder how I can let my child spend a minute under the influence of a psychologically and emotionally deficient person such as this! Grow up man....this is not 1st grade!

Then again in such times, I remember that God is the only one who gives me strength to survive literally because I would loose my mind otherwise. Thank you Jesus for loving me and reminding me that there is someone else who is in control.

Despite my sadness over this holiday season, God has really shown me how much love surrounds me this season and I'm grateful for my life.

Thanksgiving fears

Thanksgiving……I have a lot of things to be thankful for: family, friends, work, school, good health, good grades, etc. I’m so blessed which is why I feel a bit selfish for being so anxious about the actual holiday. The months of November and December bring happiness and sadness in much the same amounts. If I’m not travelling to see my family which is not so often, I know I will be in cold Chicago and I’m always anxious about being alone during the holidays and while everybody has happily made plans to be with their family, I’m always in that awkward state of unplanned Thanksgiving, unplanned Christmas. I almost hate it when people ask me what I’m doing for Thanksgiving. There are usually a number of scenarios when this question comes up with my response (in my head) after it.

Scenario 1: Person asking is going out of town to be with family. When I respond that I have no plans, there’s the usual, do you have family anywhere close or how often do you get to see your family? Sad story that I wish I didn’t have to recount.
Scenario 2: Person asking feels has family in town/burbs so they say that if I don’t have any plans, I can join their family for Thanksgiving. Maybe
Scenario 3: Person asking has family in town but it’s obvious Thanksgiving is “their” thing so the invitation is made in a weird way like “we’ll be home, you can always join us” sounding intrusive but willing to sacrifice type of vibe. A big NO
Scenario 4: Person asking is truly honestly concerned and especially if they are Africans in the Diaspora, I know they truly mean it. Most Likely

The comfortable scenario only happens about 10% of the time. How’s that possible? I know many people; ok I think I have friends.

See, I used to have this friend in Chicago who is real cool like family and I knew that unless they were going out of town, we would stick together for Thanksgiving wherever we were going to be. Too bad they moved to a different city and now I’m back to square one.

I’m not throwing a pity party for myself. I’m really not. But this has the tendency to make me want to have 5+ kids so I can always have a big family around me. Not a good reason but reasonable. So I’m thinking I should start my own party and invite people who have nowhere else to go as opposed to having the 5+ kids. I think that’s a better plan. Starting next year that is… See this year; I have this job with bare minimum vacation and school, mostly school. So I can’t afford to take up too much time entertaining while I have pending final exams!

I’m not sure where I was going with this but I’m thankful for my family that I know will be with me: my Lil and my Main man. Even if it’s just the 3 of us, we have a lot to be thankful for.

How much Lysol do we need?

I have a personal opinion regarding the H1N1 which I will not share. I sure hope this thing goes away as fast as it came or at least we figure out why it's infecting some people so severely.

My Lil man has his own opinions too. Obviously they have been hearing about this at school and home. I wash my hands enough times during the day and he knows the routine now, wash hands as often as possible. Sometimes when he wants to make me happy he will wash his hands and let me know that he did. This is a huge improvement from his previous behaviour. He once came up with a clever way of not washing his hands after peeing....use a piece of toilet paper to hold his peepee/weanie so no touch, no reason to wash hands, just as if he never peed at all. LOL. It was ingenious and a mighty grand scheme but no points were gained. I think he still does it in my absence...but I digress. The important thing is he knows that hand washing is important and H1N1 is serious.

So this evening, I was writing some words on his dry erase board when he stopped and seriously stated that we needed some lysol wipes. I asked him why. Guess what the reply was.."Because I do not want to get H1N1 from the BOARD and lysol kills H1N1".

ME: I don't think the board would give you H1N1 unless one of us gave it to the board.
LIL MAN: Yes it would, it can get H1N1 from the air or something and we need to wipe it so we don't get it from the board.
*BLINK* If his opinion is right, we have the flu virus hanging out in our house waiting to infect anything, even the blackboard. We may need a lot of lysol by lil man's reckoning.

I think I will stick to a great diet and Vitamin C on this issue... lysol wiping may not be such a bad idea either. The things that six year olds say. I will miss this age.