Self assessment and the need for wisdom

I’m on a journey, to clean up my act, because I’m called to live for and at a higher standard. Funny, how it is so easy to live your life so selfishly without thinking about consequences, purpose and goals. It’s easy for me to wake up in the morning, drop my lil man off at school, run to work, do some work, check email some, get stressed some, pick my son up, dinner, some TV and then do it all over again the next day. Busy, too busy to exercise, to read the Bible, to call up some friends…and lately I’ve been caught up in that cycle. Once you start going down that road, it’s a domino effect, it triggers a series of other bad decisions. That was where I found myself this past weekend, on that road to nowhere, cruising and going through the motions, the road where everything just seems blurry, doing things for no rhyme or reason.

I was having a good time, it was a party, I had some wine I didn’t like, I had a strong drink I didn’t like but heck everyone was doing it, and it was Saturday, why not? Someone said something I didn’t like, pretty disgusting with a sexual connotation to it, I didn’t get mad, I just dismissed it, someone crossed the line, I dismissed that too, I stayed out late, slept in, missed church, watched the game….catch my drift? Sigh… it saddens me.

So I’m doing an assessment of what I would have done differently….I don’t like drinking 99% of alcohol drinks because they just taste nasty, so why in the heck was I drinking that strong, nasty tequila something just to have a drink in hand? I don’t mind a drink every now and then either, in good company and if it tastes good. Tea works just as great for me. In this company, I should have had the guts to say “NO” multiple times. No to the nasty drink, No to the nasty comment and No to boundaries crossed, No to any more time spent recklessly, No to bad company…period. I was soo saddened by myself thinking about it retrospectively. I need people in my life who have the same values, respect for each other, sensitive to the world around them, supportive of other ideas that do not involve the self, involved in service. Isn’t this the environment in which I should be spending most of my time, if I want to grow?

I saw a book with the title “Too busy Not to pray”, I think this says it well. I prayed and read the Bible this morning; I think that’s a start. I have to be accountable for the time I spend on this earth. I don’t want God to ask me wssup and I realize that I was completely self absorbed. I want my life to be meaningful. So I asked God for forgiveness, courage and wisdom…mostly wisdom, I think I need a good dose of that. Thank Heavens for a God who does not condemn but loves us despite ourselves.