Stairs

This morning as is habit, when I walked into the office building, I went straight for the stairs. I have made an intentional decision all the years I have worked here to take the stairs instead of the elevator. I work on the second floor for crying out loud! Now that I’m carrying this heavy load a.k.a baby #2, the stairs have become quite the challenge. I’m out of breath every single time I get to the top! I notice that many of my co-workers always take the elevator and they were wondering why I’m insisting on taking the stairs, especially now. 

To be honest, I’m not sure that taking stairs contributes much to my “exercise” or lack thereof. However this morning, I was thinking about how tempting it is to take the easy way out in many aspects of our lives.  How many times do we compromise things in our life, we forgo a bit of patience, a few seconds or minutes that could “exercise” our being. How many times do we turn on the TV for hours when tired or frustrated or bored, yet we can’t get 10 minutes to read the Bible, how many times do we eat way too many cookies at work for every occasion which seems like way too many, how many friends did we not call because we are too busy? We could have numerous excuses for why we did not take the time to do  small things that could increasingly have a big impact. 

See, when you are used to taking the stairs up a couple floors, when it comes to taking them up let’s say six floors, it doesn’t seem that daunting of a task. Sometimes over lunch hour I will take stairs to the ninth floor just because I want to challenge myself, see how in shape I am. LOL. I am secretly hoping that it’s toning my legs. I have surprised myself that I have been able to keep taking stairs in my late pregnancy but if I hadn’t started before the baby, there is no way this would be possible.

I’m not beating on people who take elevators but this morning as I was finishing that last weary stair this analogy came to me. It has taken deliberate thought just like many good things in our life need to. Sometimes we are floating through life, just doing what others are doing, or taking the easier path. Maybe our life with God is like that, we don’t pay attention to how we are not obeying his word and soon enough we become comfortable in taking the elevator. We don’t do quiet time or prayer time, our time with him is elevator type of life-short and hurried. We need to build spiritual muscles when it comes to our relationship with God. Take deliberate steps to read his word, while it would appear that we are too busy to do this, making time will have a lasting impact on our day, our life and the life of those around us.

Let us take some spiritual stairs today, take the time to contemplate God’s word. I believe God wants us to walk this journey one stair at a time, while he guides us and molds us to reach to the height that he has prepared for us. We can’t press buttons into growing with God, but we can take the time to learn and listen and grow. 

I’m so challenged to be more deliberate in my life because I’m guilty of this many times. I want things to happen by pressing a few buttons:  awesome marriage, awesome friends, awesome kids, done…but I know more than anything God wants to grow me, so I’m surrendering to his will and asking him to help me choose wisely what I do with my time and talents, to be deliberate in seeking his will and serving him and others.

Parenting pilgrimage

This past weekend I attended a parent seminar at our church titled appropriately “parents on pilgrimage”. Appropriate because parenting is a journey full of surprises, unexpected turns, growth, laughs and memories. As a worrier (yes, I mean worrier how I wish it was warrior), I’m constantly evaluating how my actions have impacted my child. It is a pretty heavy burden to think that another human being’s life is dependent upon me. The “me" that is so prone to messing up. I have made many poor decisions in my life, some that have impacted my child negatively. It grieves me when I think of those times and makes me feel so helpless.

As I have grown as a mom and spiritually, I have become more proactive in my parenting. It doesn’t mean that it has become easier, I still mess up. Pilgrimage means that I am still in motion dealing with phases of life that I had not encountered before. One of the takeaways from the message was that regardless of what has happened in our lives, there is no condemnation, wait what? Yes even in parenting– that is what our God is like. Isn’t it a relief to know that God cares about my situation? All the mistakes I’ve made as a mom, those are covered too. He wants the best for us and he is able cover with his grace those parts that we have messed up. It’s so humbling and so comforting.   The other important point was that God takes care of our children. To be honest, there are so many things that are out of our control which is the one reality that is changing me from worrier to prayer warrior. Our kids do not have to be messed up because we messed up. Sure, I left his dad under difficult circumstances, went through a depressive and difficult period. God is able to heal all of those hurts in us and in our children. He is able instill in us new ways of thinking, joy and peace. Sometimes our kids may get hurt by other people when we may not have had part in it, yet as a parent we blame ourselves that somehow we should have protected them.

Taking encouragement from a blogger (friend in my head) that I have followed for so long Serenity, I have in the last year been making an effort to get up at least half an hour earlier than usual to have my devotional. I pray for my family and I especially pray for my child. It hasn’t always happened but on days when I wake up and devote my family to God, he brings so much peace. When my lil man is gone away to spend time with his dad, I double up on the prayer-lol. True.  I pray for his other family. I pray for the circle of people that he will be exposed to. I know God is protecting him, but mostly what this has done is really change ME to see the bigger picture that God has for me and my child.

As I pray over the people in his life (some of whom have hurt me unspeakable), God has shown me that his love and grace is for all. It has really helped in my interactions with people and put peace in my life. When I feel like things will overwhelm me and I want to throw a pity party, I can draw from God’s promise that I have overcome. The enemy is real; he will want to keep you committed in a place of condemnation, guilt and helplessness.  I have been fearful lately of all the things my child could experience as he is approaching adolescence. The amount of garbage he is exposed to as a young child is nauseating. This is where I start to hyperventilate and worry. I have to remember to keep connected to the truth and the source of peace.

My goal this year is to pray over my child more than I ever have.  Praying that God gives me wisdom to parent, listen, have great intuition and help me pour into him wisdom that will build him up. Praying over people that will have influence in his life, for protection over him. Parenting is a gift and I’m so grateful for the opportunity to do it x2. I know the first thing I have to do is commit my children to the one who gifted them to me, knows all and has a PLAN for them. It’s so comforting isn’t it?

Uncertainty in the journey

Today marks 28 weeks of pregnancy, three months to go! Where did the time go? It has been a pretty uneventful pregnancy, my greatest complaint being: “…how in the world I’m I supposed to sleep with a giant squash in my belly?” Yes, lots of tossing and turning, sometimes I wake up feeling like I’ve been exercising all night. That aside, I almost feel awful for not reporting any morning sickness unlike so many women. So physically, I have been great, but I have never been so emotional in my life! I’m not sure if it’s the lack of quality sleep or so called hormones but my anxiety and impatience took an upswing, oh and the weepiness.  I’ve had my share of tears; some legitimate and lots more watching “Undercover Boss” and even “Shark Tank”.

11 years or so ago, I was in the same predicament. I was young, naïve, had just married the father of the child I was carrying with much trepidation and living in New York city (of all places). Of course I didn’t have a place of my own, that would have been a luxury! I was subletting a room for an awful amount of money compared to what I was making and lucky for me, my job was only a 15 minute bus ride away. I had an awesome boss working at NYU. It was not stressful at all, flexible work and interesting.

At 28 weeks though, my landlord needed his whole house back so I needed to find another place to live. Did I mention that my then husband lived about 5 hours away at school? So moving meant I needed to figure this thing out by myself. It’s not cliché; God has always provided for what I needed.  Having lived in NYC for less than a year, God had blessed me with many wonderful friends mostly from church. Boy, I must be the queen of new beginnings. Let me digress by saying that this was my fourth move that year. I had lived across the river in New Jersey for a couple weeks, found an apartment in Queens where I lived for a few months before the sublet in lower Manhattan that I now had to vacate.  Yes I have taken every train and bus line in NYC! All this while single and pregnant! Frankly I don’t know how I managed. I did have some naïve faith that I would make it.  Living in NYC meant that most of my college friends had also moved to different places, launching their American dreams.  

Here I was, pregnant, without anything much to my name. Well, in that month, a young woman from church living in the Bronx offered me a room in her apartment. It was nice and cozy and I didn’t have much anyway. My friends with a car (a luxury in NYC) moved me and I settled. In another month’s time while 8 months pregnant I would make the 17 hour drive to my new home in Charlotte, NC.

Looking back at the events, I see God’s hand in my life in so many great and intricate ways. Now, I’m a veteran mom (take that lightly), wife, driving to work (lol) with an office that I can nap in if I feel tired.  I have matured in many ways but in a lot of ways I wish my faith was as naïve as back then. I have been mulling over this for some time. My worrying over things now is almost laughable. God has taken me through so much, fire and floods figuratively, broken heart, disappointments but through it all has been my steadfast source of strength. I have grown in ways I cannot comprehend and I would never trade this experience for another.

Oswald Chambers who has become one of my favorite authors wrote:

Our natural inclination is to be so precise—trying always to forecast accurately what will happen next—that we look upon uncertainty as a bad thing. We think that we must reach some predetermined goal, but that is not the nature of the spiritual life. The nature of the spiritual life is that we are certain in our uncertainty. Certainty is the mark of the commonsense life—gracious uncertainty is the mark of the spiritual life. To be certain of God means that we are uncertain in all our ways, not knowing what tomorrow may bring. This is generally expressed with a sigh of sadness, but it should be an expression of breathless expectation. We are uncertain of the next step, but we are certain of God. As soon as we abandon ourselves to God and do the task He has placed closest to us, He begins to fill our lives with surprises.

I have these words posted on my wall at work, I need to make this my life’s mantra. Regardless of where this finds you today, I hope my story fills you with strength that the Lord is always at work. Rejoice in where you are, even though it may be an unfavorable or unbearable situation. If it's great, rejoice. If you trust in God, he is doing a great work in you right now. Nothing is ever wasted in the eyes of our Lord. I’m grateful for this journey. 

Psalm 28:7

The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and he helps me. My heart leaps for joy, and with my song I praise him.

Still Celebrating

1 Thessalonians 5:18
"In everything give thanks, for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you."

Ten almost eleven years ago my life changed forever. God gifted me with this child. I had no idea what I was doing, I just lived day by day and did my best. A lot has happened in those years; many ups and downs but the one thing that has been consistent is that God has always been by our side. Sometimes I wanted to run away from him, and many times I questioned (still do) his plan for our life. This child is something special. As he has grown up, I see his determination, his ambition.  He is highly organized. He knows when homework needs to be done and he does it. I never have to complain about work not being done. Shuffling between two homes is not for the faint of heart. As much as I try to ensure that he has things where he needs them, sometimes it’s not possible. He has taken that liberty to ensure that he puts things in his bag that he needs. Somewhere  in my heart I feel a lot of guilt for putting him in this situation, but  a lot of pride and joy knowing seeing him rise above it. He has taken this difficult situation in stride. Suffering has a way of building us up that we would not achieve otherwise.

In the last month or so he has  been working on his Science Project. It was an advance idea measuring electrolytes in different drinks. I have never seen anyone so dedicated.  I erred and bought him the wrong type of presentation board and we didn’t find this out until he had mounted all his work.  He needed a trifold that could stand up on its own….duh!  Sometimes these are the tribulations of being an immigrant mom. Needless to say, we had to re-type everything..since I had not saved it and re-mount everything…sigh. He worked non-stop  some nights to make it happen, even requesting me to wake him up early to have it done.  It was all getting so frustrating because he had enough time, he didn’t have to push himself so hard.

Me: You have two more days that you could use to get this done, don’t stress yourself out. 

Him: I need to finish now so I can have two free days.

I let him work away, pushing past some bedtime on one day and working while eating breakfast on another. He was done before all deadlines of which there were a couple based on the phase of the project. 

So yesterday when I finally saw him at his set up, props and all and heard him present, I was sooo proud. He had to explain his project over and over to everyone who stopped by and he did great. Finally the awards, which we did not focus on, but I was secretly hoping he would win something. After all I was a Science major and I work in research. I knew he was a contender. So when they called his name, I had to keep from choking up. He is always so modest, he carried his poster to the front and displayed it. In a moment of excitement and trying to keep from climbing on the tables and moonwalking, I forgot to take a picture of this glorious moment. Luckily some more stable parent did.

I would be proud of my child even if he did not win, but I celebrate his gifting today. I’m so thankful to God for making him the way he did. Our family dynamic has pushed me to pray for him more than I would have if he was staying with me all the time. I’m thankful to God because of his continuing presence in our life. I’m thankful for my growing boy and I celebrate him today.

Gratitude is an offering precious in the sight of God, and it is one that the poorest of us can make and be not poorer but richer for having made it. A.W. Tozer

In all things

Thanksgiving…huh. If I really want to write how I feel about this time of year, it’s just that I’m glad we get the time off. Thanksgiving is a weird holiday, it reminds me that I’m far away from my family yet at the same time it makes me grateful to have good friends. The anxiety of Christmas starts and you can’t help feeling like you are going to miss out on a really great deal on black Friday…ugh. I have evaded that shopping madness, I will take my chances with reheating leftovers  and movie marathons thank you!

For a parent with shared custody like me, holidays are a whole other beast. It means I might not have my child for one or more of the holidays. It makes planning really sad, almost makes me want to skip all these holidays altogether. This year, I do not have my son for thanksgiving or Christmas, thanks to a horrible custody deal I made (with the devil) years ago. I avoided planning for what we were going to do as long as possible. I mean staying home may not be such a bad idea. Today was sad  day as I spoke to my baby while he was preparing for thanksgiving with his dad. I missed him so much already. Not only would it be so much better, he would have so much more fun being here.  His dad makes no efforts to connect with families with kids or his own family. That is a story for another day.

So when I left work today my heart was heavy. Everyone was running to get out early and a tad bit mad that they didn’t close the office at 3. I wasn’t in a hurry. I mean where was I going but to a house full of echo? My  baby who is usually bouncing off the walls or bouncing stuff off of something keeps it pretty noisy, talking nonstop or watching SpongeBob. Today he wasn’t going to be there.

I finally left the office, adding to the aggravation was the biting cold. Why do I live here again? I got to my car. His dad had said something foolish earlier in the day and I started thinking about how I’ve been dealing with his narcissistic personality. Most days I can handle it, but some days I’m just tired. I could feel an oncoming pity party.

I was reminded of the devotional I read earlier in the day from Tony Evans. Of course it was about giving thanks.  1 Thes. 5:18 says that giving thanks is the “will of God concerning you”. He went on to explain that God causes all things to work together for good..Romans 8:28. ALL things. Even the tough times like these. Even a divorce, a custody situation, ALL things. He sees the whole picture. Today I was only seeing how my son wasn’t going to be there and he has to be with someone I can barely stand. If I believe that God has a divine purpose for my life, then even this seemingly crazy situation is being used for good. I just don’t have the whole picture but God does. I should be thanking him and relinquishing control of my life. I trust that he is aware of every situation, he knows, he is working it out..for my good, for my son’s good. This verse in Lamentations 3: 37 comforts me: Can anything happen without the Lord’s permission?

Right there and then in the car, I started to wonder why I was worried so much. I could pray and lift my son up in prayer. I could give thanks that he is in control and that he is going to protect my child. He does that even when my child is with me, I don’t have much more control over his life or anything for that matter. God gifted me that child to take care of and I should look up to him for his protection.

I gave thanks for the crazy family dynamic that I am in. I know it’s for a divine purpose. I accept that and hope to grow into what the Lord would have me. I prayed for my son, his protection, peace, comfort and happiness, even when he cannot be with his mom. That he will thrive above this situation. I can’t tell you what peace I experienced after that prayer. I’m so thankful for the Holy Spirit nudging me to pray instead of mulling over the situation on the way home and feeling sorry and mad.

I thank God for the hope I have in salvation. I ’m thankful for a husband. I’m thankful for wonderful friends with whom I will eat and laugh tomorrow. There is reason to be thankful when we know God has the whole picture. Happy thanksgiving!