Uncertainty in the journey

Today marks 28 weeks of pregnancy, three months to go! Where did the time go? It has been a pretty uneventful pregnancy, my greatest complaint being: “…how in the world I’m I supposed to sleep with a giant squash in my belly?” Yes, lots of tossing and turning, sometimes I wake up feeling like I’ve been exercising all night. That aside, I almost feel awful for not reporting any morning sickness unlike so many women. So physically, I have been great, but I have never been so emotional in my life! I’m not sure if it’s the lack of quality sleep or so called hormones but my anxiety and impatience took an upswing, oh and the weepiness.  I’ve had my share of tears; some legitimate and lots more watching “Undercover Boss” and even “Shark Tank”.

11 years or so ago, I was in the same predicament. I was young, naïve, had just married the father of the child I was carrying with much trepidation and living in New York city (of all places). Of course I didn’t have a place of my own, that would have been a luxury! I was subletting a room for an awful amount of money compared to what I was making and lucky for me, my job was only a 15 minute bus ride away. I had an awesome boss working at NYU. It was not stressful at all, flexible work and interesting.

At 28 weeks though, my landlord needed his whole house back so I needed to find another place to live. Did I mention that my then husband lived about 5 hours away at school? So moving meant I needed to figure this thing out by myself. It’s not cliché; God has always provided for what I needed.  Having lived in NYC for less than a year, God had blessed me with many wonderful friends mostly from church. Boy, I must be the queen of new beginnings. Let me digress by saying that this was my fourth move that year. I had lived across the river in New Jersey for a couple weeks, found an apartment in Queens where I lived for a few months before the sublet in lower Manhattan that I now had to vacate.  Yes I have taken every train and bus line in NYC! All this while single and pregnant! Frankly I don’t know how I managed. I did have some naïve faith that I would make it.  Living in NYC meant that most of my college friends had also moved to different places, launching their American dreams.  

Here I was, pregnant, without anything much to my name. Well, in that month, a young woman from church living in the Bronx offered me a room in her apartment. It was nice and cozy and I didn’t have much anyway. My friends with a car (a luxury in NYC) moved me and I settled. In another month’s time while 8 months pregnant I would make the 17 hour drive to my new home in Charlotte, NC.

Looking back at the events, I see God’s hand in my life in so many great and intricate ways. Now, I’m a veteran mom (take that lightly), wife, driving to work (lol) with an office that I can nap in if I feel tired.  I have matured in many ways but in a lot of ways I wish my faith was as naïve as back then. I have been mulling over this for some time. My worrying over things now is almost laughable. God has taken me through so much, fire and floods figuratively, broken heart, disappointments but through it all has been my steadfast source of strength. I have grown in ways I cannot comprehend and I would never trade this experience for another.

Oswald Chambers who has become one of my favorite authors wrote:

Our natural inclination is to be so precise—trying always to forecast accurately what will happen next—that we look upon uncertainty as a bad thing. We think that we must reach some predetermined goal, but that is not the nature of the spiritual life. The nature of the spiritual life is that we are certain in our uncertainty. Certainty is the mark of the commonsense life—gracious uncertainty is the mark of the spiritual life. To be certain of God means that we are uncertain in all our ways, not knowing what tomorrow may bring. This is generally expressed with a sigh of sadness, but it should be an expression of breathless expectation. We are uncertain of the next step, but we are certain of God. As soon as we abandon ourselves to God and do the task He has placed closest to us, He begins to fill our lives with surprises.

I have these words posted on my wall at work, I need to make this my life’s mantra. Regardless of where this finds you today, I hope my story fills you with strength that the Lord is always at work. Rejoice in where you are, even though it may be an unfavorable or unbearable situation. If it's great, rejoice. If you trust in God, he is doing a great work in you right now. Nothing is ever wasted in the eyes of our Lord. I’m grateful for this journey. 

Psalm 28:7

The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and he helps me. My heart leaps for joy, and with my song I praise him.