Love at first sight?

When I first saw him, I knew
My stomach flipped and fluttered
My heart pumped ever so fast
Could this be?

When he spoke, I knew
My, oh my the confidence
Of his words ever so sweet
Could this be?

When he took my hand, I knew
That I would never be
Ever so content without him
Could this be?

When he kissed me, I knew
My, oh my the warmth
Of that not so subtle embrace
Could this be?

When I said goodbye, I knew
Of the ache that would come
With every passing thought
Could this be?

When I said goodbye, I knew
To dream is ordinary
But this was not mine
It wouldn’t be.

When I said goodbye, I knew
I would find it again
Just not in this moment
It wasn’t meant to be.

business friend

Have you ever liked someone who was bad for you? You know very well they are not heading in the direction you want, and have no interest in steering you that way but you still like them....and they like you too. I mean, they are a good peeps, great conversation, but it’s one of those people you will never go anywhere with. Even as a friend they are questionable, because even if they are great, they do engage in some sought of questionable behavior by your standards. You start to wonder if you are being judgmental or if you should just accept people as they are and love them from a distance.

They have different ideas about how life works and maybe that is why you like them so much. Different is good, provides stimulating conversation and is quite the eye-opener. You don’t want to give that up but at the same time you don’t want to be associated too closely. Are you building yourself up or holding yourself back by having some sought of relationship with this person? Is there something as friend on a business basis even if there is no business?

Just wondering.

Think

Just when I think it’s over
Sinking deeper
Screaming louder
No help in sight

Just when I think I cannot make it
Treading in sorrow
Dreading tomorrow
No beam of light

Just when I think I’m forgotten
Amazing love
Streaming from above
I feel your might

Just when I think, I stop to think
Caring father
Loving master
It is all right!

I wrote this a while back but it made me smile today.

attitude to inspire

I have come to the point where I can accept that life is just the way it is. Neither a pessimistic or optimistic view, I consider it a healthy balance. The pessimist in me used to see life as innocent people suffer, the evil become rich, the rich become richer, the poor even poorer. I had even scaled down this theory to apply to me; I worked hard and I didn’t get the job, it just seemed that everyone who was doing everything I considered wrong was the only one who was getting ahead. After a few church services, I would be filled with hope eternal only to swing back to poor me when something went terribly wrong. Life happens and that is all there is to it. I realized that the quicker I accepted that fact, the better my life would be. No one is out to get me, I didn’t pick an unlucky number.

I remember someone once told me that if we could all put our troubles in a pile, we would be content in picking our own right back. It’s true, even with my own baggage, I meet people with whom I would never trade places, and then I meet people my age who have accomplished so much more, and I start to pity myself. It’s the cycle and futility of this life. At some point, you are up and then down, some people always seem to be up and others always seem to be down. But those who are up could be just as happy or unhappy as those who are down. Someone asked me yesterday how I was doing. In all honesty, I answered ‘Very well’. My life hasn’t changed too much from what has been causing me chaos in the past few months or years but my attitude has.

Last night I watched a PBS documentary about the lives of two Somali families who lived for years at a refugee camp in Kenya and recently resettled in the US. There are horror stories all around but every now and then I get one that grips me. There was one woman whose husband left her to take care of four kids. She had seen her parents brutally murdered, ran for days, lost her two oldest kids in the scatter, lived in a refugee camp, and the story began as they were getting ready to resettle in America. It is a powerful documentary but the one thing I will never forget is the face of that single mother. Despite her living situation and even her husband abandoning her at the camp, she had the brightest face ever, the most positive energy. She was happy for her kids that were there, she was happy about her first job washing floors, her paycheck meager as it was, her small apartment in Atlanta. She sang when she talked about her husband who abandoned her, saying how tired she was of waiting for him to show up.Of course there was sadness as she spoke of her parent's death, not knowing where her kids were, the pressure of being a single mom but she did not dwell on all of that.If you had just caught a piece of documentary, you would think that this woman had everything she wanted just by the way she smiled and the vibe she gave. At the end of the documentary, she is preparing for her daughter’s wedding and she was not nagging about the cake, the bridesmaids dresses, the number of guests, none of that crap that plagues most of us who have ten times as much. Her ability to overcome her surroundings and not let all the negativity weigh her down was phenomenal. There are people who inspire others just by being. If I could accomplish one thing in this life is to be one such person, that I can live my life so someone else is inspired.

some wow stuff

The past week has been extremely amazing in so many ways. A lot of thoughts I haven’t put down lately.
First I know I’m so blessed to be surrounded by such loving people. I love my own company but I thrive on being around people and just enjoy being. So this past week has been more than magical with people graduating and so lots of get-togethers. There is nothing sweeter to the ears and eyes than a room full of people laughing, eating, kids cooing, just feeling the love all around. I look at my life just over a year ago which was so full of sadness and I know there is a God. Only God could have done this. I was so emotional this weekend. I spoke to my son’s father and it was not a very good 1 minute conversation rather accusatory at best and when I thought about it I kept crying, not because of what he said but because I was in such a better place in my life, that I was experiencing such unconditional love, that I was sharing some great life accomplishments with people who mean a lot to me and his comments to me faded in that light. It didn’t matter what he thought. It doesn’t matter anymore. I had that self-realization and it was so healthy but I couldn’t stop crying because it felt so good. I am living an answered prayer and he cannot take that away from me.
I ran into some old friends too. It’s such a thrill to meet someone you haven’t seen in years. You don’t even know what to say. My high school roommate, Lawd, it’s such a small world! We haven’t changed much in 10 years…ten friggin years!! Wow. It was nice to see them minus the uniform and just how fabulous everyone looks. My ex-bf….now this one was tough. I said I was ok but I was so uncomfortable. Truth is I loved and I mean looved the guy but broke up with him because I didn’t think he was on the same level. Just like that picked up the phone and said my peace. (I was 20 and amateur at this stuff but I imagine a phone break up is bad). I was really heartbroken. So since I found out he was coming, I hadn’t been thinking str8. He didn’t ask about my life, I didn’t volunteer..we did some chitchat and I wanted to break the ice but I didn’t have the guts…he’s gone and I guess that ship has sailed.sigh.. I thought I had worked on the coulda shouldas but I couldn’t sleep thinking what the best reaction shoulda been. In the least I hope I can mend some bridges.
This was my friend’s weekend, didn’t want to make about me, I may have in some way, darn it. Hey, I’m still a work in progress. I guess the best lesson I’ve learnt so far is to forgive myself, learn and move on.

I think I chilled out too much

When I look at my handbag, it’s a reflection of how my life is nowadays: disorganized. I move from one thing to the other, I haven’t bothered to tie up any loose ends; don’t deal with stuff like I should. OMG! It’s getting to be overwhelming. Receipts that need to be checked up on, eye make-up for an event a week ago, the bracelet I broke sometime back (I don’t even think I can repair it), my son’s menu at school (this should be hanging on the refrigerator), someone’s number scribbled on a receipt (why didn’t I put this in my phone yet?), my palm that I haven’t updated in two weeks…and the same goes for my car: tons of art projects from preschool, pair of shoes, maybe two, my CD’s are sprawled on the back seat, my work out clothes for the Pilates I’m supposed to be doing with a friend…and even if I wanted to run, I have a pile of dishes waiting at home and a bunch of clothes that I let sit in the drier…grrr.. I hate ironing! With all this it only follows that my office is a mess, there is piles of undone stuff everywhere!

One of the reasons I’m giving myself this pep talk is because I’m hosting friends of friends for the weekend and everything will have to be spotless by this Thursday…somehow..lol. The biggest reason is because I hate messes, they drive me crazy. I thought about waking up early this morning and working on those clothes and the dishes but it stayed at that; just a thought. I’m now beginning to wish I had a dishwasher even though I’m a self-professed love washing dishes type of gal, I really am, I just don’t know what’s been up lately. One positive thing is that at least we haven’t eaten junk food, and I have been diligent in having complete meals. I even cut up the melons. See I love fruit but I don’t like cutting it up. This started way back in my family. We always had fruit but if no one washed and cut it up, it rotted on the counter. At least there was six of us then, now its just us two and my lil man sure can’t cut up any cantaloupe but loves to eat it, so much so I think he at ¾ of the whole fruit last night after dinner…lol

I have to pull my act together and get out of this funk. I haven’t been stressing about a lot of things lately but maybe I’m taking this lax attitude too far. Ok I got some cleaning up to do.