Transition tale 1

First it was the hair. Before the hair went kinky, I had to have a mental transition about what it means to have kinky curly hair in a world where it isn’t mainstream. And a mental transition it was. I held onto my long, straight strands for as long as I could, vowing to keep my hair  long while attempting to gradually eliminate the permanently straightened ends. 

At first, I had some rational fear of going short-haired. Being petite, I might look like a boy, or look even younger. Believe me, when you are a mom and constantly have to explain HOW you have a son who appears more like your brother, it is not a complement!  I have to be conscious about how I dress or look especially in formal and work situations to be taken seriously. Short hair does not fall in the category of enhancing this image and it terrified me. Then there was the irrational fear. Curly hair would invite all sought of strange and blank stares. It would also invite judgment and I’ll go so far as to say pity. See some look at my “unkempt” hair as a sign of a lack of resources to make it “straight”.

That is why there had to be a mental transition first. Confidence. I had to let go of fears, preconceived notions, and judgments from myself and others. Most importantly, I had to invite in their place affirmative messages, cultivating inner strength, acceptance of the beauty of kinky curly hair despite what society labels it. The funny thing is I have always secretly loved big afro, kinky and curly hair. My mom has lovely natural hair which she puts to the scissors to at whim and it grows back. I just thought it was for others and not something that I could ever pull it off. Pause at that thought: “I cannot pull off hair that I was born with”.  Hmm. Thank God that the natural hair community is emerging strongly.  Positive messages are out there if you seek them and if you don’t seek them they are still there, within yourself.  I gathered a lot of information about my hair. A LOT.

I loved feeling my thick curly strands take over my head in place of the scraggly straightened ones. I wore hair styles that promoted the curly and most often tucked the straight ends in. 11 months of trying to fight my two textures into submission, I was done. On a Friday after work I walked into a salon. I had plenty of time to think about this life-changing decision as it was the weekend before mother’s day and apparently there were many heads before mine. However, the stylist is a natural hair enthusiast was God-sent. She was just as excited as I was about this moment.  I didn’t freak out. I took pictures of my falling strands as she took scissors to them. I saved a sample, not sure what I intended to do with it (funeral ?..). No I’m not that crazy and I don’t even remember where I put it after that, probably because I was so ecstatic! After all my hair was done, I had the loveliest 4 inches of great hair. The first thought that came to my head was, Why in the world did I wait so long to do this? I was so happy and content. 

Post day of cut, it’s been amazing. I look in the mirror and in amazement jump up and down (don’t judge me) thinking how much I love being short curly or sometimes fro’d woman!  You can’t tell me n’thin! Funny, I feel more confident now that I did before. Most have loved it, some have called me crazy (literally), but I love it. Shocking how, now that I’m natural, I’m meeting all these other natural heads EVERYWHERE, church, bible study, work, grocery store. I’ve even had requests from other curly haired girls asking how they could get their hair to be like mine, or what do I do, where, how.. My hair is my hair. I can’t compare it to anyone else’s. Most of the time I just wash wear and it’s alright. I’m truly not my hair but most importantly I have learned to overcome the self-imposed limits and the apprehension over what anyone else may say. It truly is freeing.

Sometimes I wonder if God does customize his approach to us meeting us where we are. This hair transition was in a lot of ways a leap of faith. I feel like God is asking me to do the same thing in my spiritual life, that he is ready to take me to the next level but I have been so comfortable. Maybe I have just be trying to blend in as a Christian, I don't want to be judged or get blank stares when I take it to the next level for God. Jesus was not an exhibitionist but he did what he was called to do, he did not get comfortable with the temporary, he got busy and was on the move for his people even when he faced difficulties, criticism and even death. That will be tale 2, the spiritual transition.

Lost Soul

Where are the days filled with laughter?

Days of excitement and serenity

Moments when our dreams we chased after

Moments when we counted our future children

Moments of hope

Now seem fleeting

Where are the days filled with joy?

Days of praying and rejoicing

Moments of certainty

Moments when we knew God was our all

Moments of faith

Now in its place emptiness

Where are the days filled with passion?

Days of kisses and warm embrace

Moments when we cried together

Moments when our hearts beat as one

Moments of love

Now just a fading memory

Where does the hurting soul search?

Where does a lost soul find rest?

In moments of wanting

In moments when no one else can satisfy

Will faith, hope and love dare occupy

This lost soul once more?

even for little things

Our God whom we serve is so good, so wonderful so amazing. He cares so much, in Matthew 6:30 it says that he cares so much even about grass in the field that seems so useless. How much more does he care about us, his children? Yet this morning I woke up worrying, the exact opposite of what my father has instructed. I have had a cloud hanging over me on this issue and finally I was giving up today because things were not going my way. I woke up thinking, yes, I have a solution. Just let this thing go. I had this weekend trip planned with friends and friends of my lil man once school is out. Now this is usually easy for some, but for co-parenting, scheduling can be a nightmare. It turns out, school is out the weekend of fathers’ day and to be fair I figured the day of should be left to father and son. So I planned that we would leave early Friday, come back late Saturday in time for father’s day on Sunday.  My plan was perfect, until I spoke to the other party. No- they had plans for the entire weekend! I even offered to come back early Saturday but there were more NOs,  more arguing and I was completely distressed. So I went into plan B that I would travel alone without K.  It was going to be alright, but today I knew if he wasn’t going, I wasn’t going. I woke up today wrestling with that, how to explain to my friends that I was pulling out. I was thinking if it would be good to still pay up my $200 part of the balance. Ugh. It was all stressing me out. If I didn’t go, then I needed to come up with a great plan for that weekend ASAP or else I would be depressed. 

God had a surprise for me this morning. All along he was attentive to my stress. I got a call from the X saying, “I think you should all take this trip, take your time coming back on Sunday”.

Did I just hear him say what he just said? I was trying to hold it together because I felt like God was playing jokes. I knew without a shadow of a doubt, God was solving this problem for me. Without a shadow of a doubt. Doing the impossible, working miracles using the most unlikely source. I’m in awe of God and what he can do! I’m so humbled, that God allowed me in this moment to experience his goodness and to teach me that we walk by faith not by sight. This person is a thorn in my side, yet what the devil meant for evil, God has over and over again turned it around and used it for good. I thank you Lord for this moment of teaching and helping me see how much you care even about the little details.

 Matthew 6:25-33

"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes?

Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?" And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith?” 

So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 

But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.