Oh God, give me strength to survive this narcissist today.
I’m feeling weak
I feel so much rage.
I feel so much hatred.
So much regret
So much why me
I have worked so hard to move on
Yet some days I feel like I’m starting all over
I have to contain myself
This battle I may not win
But I have the strength within me
To survive the attacks
To fight in love
To not damage myself in the process
To remember that you exist
Not in my own strength Lord,
Because you have promised
Because I trust you
I will overcome
This too shall pass
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
Friday, August 26, 2011
Joy
I’m just so full of joy this morning, when I woke up I felt like rejoicing and telling God how much I am grateful for his presence in my life. Nothing special happened, I didn’t win the lottery, I didn’t get a promotion, heck things are hard right now: I just started school this week and I have already submitted a couple assignments, my relationship/upcoming nuptials still in the works, my lil man started school (insert crazy morning routine) and I can’t figure what to do with my hair which is starting to be messy..but I digress. God is good, all the time. When I think about his goodness, I’m in awe. Why do I let the daily grind keep me in stress mode? When I look at the bigger picture, I see how God has worked in my life. Never did I imagine that at this age I would me mom to the most wonderful boy and making it solo. In this crazy economy, I have changed jobs 3 times and each time I got a little more than I could have asked for. I have not only enjoyed my classes in the last two years, I have excelled in them. When you have God on your side you should be excited at the things he will do in your life. Even in the bad times, trust me, God is teaching you something, so listen and learn-fast. Don’t be wandering in the wilderness for 40 years like the Israelites did. Do you know it would have only taken about 11 days to get to the Promised Land? Allow God and his word to transform you to what he wants you to be. God I pray that I may give you the space and time for you to transform me, because I do not want to dwell in the desert, I want to reach the Promised Land. I’m not sure what life holds for me tomorrow but I can be sure to face it with confidence with you by my side.
Friday, July 15, 2011
Choose to love
It’s a funny thing about love
We dream about it
Write songs about it
Go chasing after it
Sometimes in the wrong places
Most times with the wrong people
But almost always
Unprepared for what we might find
Not without, but within ourselves
Unprepared to be vulnerable,
Unprepared to not be right
Unprepared to love and to be loved
It’s a funny thing about love
To welcome it
We must discard the fantasies
Accept to be vulnerable
Accept to forgive
Accept ourselves
Then and only then will we discover
That love has always been around us
Waiting a prepared heart
That chooses to love
We dream about it
Write songs about it
Go chasing after it
Sometimes in the wrong places
Most times with the wrong people
But almost always
Unprepared for what we might find
Not without, but within ourselves
Unprepared to be vulnerable,
Unprepared to not be right
Unprepared to love and to be loved
It’s a funny thing about love
To welcome it
We must discard the fantasies
Accept to be vulnerable
Accept to forgive
Accept ourselves
Then and only then will we discover
That love has always been around us
Waiting a prepared heart
That chooses to love
Thursday, July 7, 2011
I will make it today
“Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.” Maria Robinson
One of the hardest things in life is making that first move, drawing that first line, flipping to that new chapter. We may have gone through much planning or even agony to come up with precisely what we need to do. Sometimes we stay where we are even with that knowledge, mostly because of fear. We are afraid of leaving the chapter we are in, however uncomfortable, however painful, however meaningless. It could be fear of the unknown, fear about what others are going to say, fear of failure; so we are paralyzed and accept less than. We rationalize in our heads that we are good because we know what we need to do; we just need to set a perfect time to do it, with the perfect person, in the perfect season. In the meantime, days turn into years and the energy dwindles, while the pain, the meaninglessness and the discomfort increase. Life happens adding to the complexity, and the perfect time, person, season does not come. We ignore that inner voice and suppress our faith. Sometimes we realize this futility and move, many times we wait until it all becomes too much to handle, and right at the breaking point we may make that step. That one step may be all we needed. Then we wonder why we waited so long to set ourselves free.
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see."
Hebrew 11:1 (NIV)
“But forget all that—it is nothing compared to what I am going to do. For I am about to do something new. See, I have already begun! Do you not see it? I will make a pathway through the wilderness. I will create rivers in the dry wasteland."
Isaiah 43:18-19 (NLT)
One of the hardest things in life is making that first move, drawing that first line, flipping to that new chapter. We may have gone through much planning or even agony to come up with precisely what we need to do. Sometimes we stay where we are even with that knowledge, mostly because of fear. We are afraid of leaving the chapter we are in, however uncomfortable, however painful, however meaningless. It could be fear of the unknown, fear about what others are going to say, fear of failure; so we are paralyzed and accept less than. We rationalize in our heads that we are good because we know what we need to do; we just need to set a perfect time to do it, with the perfect person, in the perfect season. In the meantime, days turn into years and the energy dwindles, while the pain, the meaninglessness and the discomfort increase. Life happens adding to the complexity, and the perfect time, person, season does not come. We ignore that inner voice and suppress our faith. Sometimes we realize this futility and move, many times we wait until it all becomes too much to handle, and right at the breaking point we may make that step. That one step may be all we needed. Then we wonder why we waited so long to set ourselves free.
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see."
Hebrew 11:1 (NIV)
“But forget all that—it is nothing compared to what I am going to do. For I am about to do something new. See, I have already begun! Do you not see it? I will make a pathway through the wilderness. I will create rivers in the dry wasteland."
Isaiah 43:18-19 (NLT)
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
Life's roadmap
"The unexamined life is not worth living." ~ Socrates.
I have been thinking lately about life and how we progress, grow. One of the things that has helped me figure myself out is writing. I write whenever, wherever I can. Sometimes out of the blue I will read something I wrote years ago and I might laugh, cry or be inspired. I can laugh at all the craziness that I have gone through and the mistakes I’ve made, sometimes those same things sadden me but ultimately I’m thankful because I can see how much I’ve grown. Sometimes I see that I’m struggling with the same thing, maybe in a different way and it upsets me because I should know better, and it gives me determination to work on it. It’s like I have created a map for myself: go here, don’t turn there, cliff waiting, don’t give into that, be more patient here, trust God more…and the list goes on.
Reading about myself helps me examine who I am and face the truth: good, bad, or ugly. I don’t claim that I always address what needs to be fixed heck sometimes I’m going in circles and hitting the same bump over and over. This is when I'm most frustrated with myself! The process of self-examination however continues to help me uncover who I am and where I want to be. The past has really been instrumental in making who I am today. I have learnt from my many mistakes. Wouldn’t I like to forget you ask? I read somewhere that there is a reason the windshield is bigger than the rearview mirror. When we look at what we left behind, it should be but a glimpse of what we have left behind, we should not dwell on it. We have the whole journey ahead of us. Sometimes, I dwell on the past way too much and then I’m hitting things on the road I could have avoided. Then I know I need to adjust my attitude and keep my eyes on the road. If we narrowly missed a deer, we should be on the lookout ahead. We are more alert at what life can throw at us, because we have been through it. We can look in the rear and learn from our victories, they give us confidence that we can be successful and whatever accomplishments we have had, we can kick it up a notch.
Last night I read a post where I had written about what a particularly wonderful day I had had. Looking back at my life that year, I cannot even possibly imagine that there were any happy days, not to mention it was in the middle of winter which to me might as well be renamed agony! It would appear that it was just one big blur of sadness as it was one of the most stressful years of my life. But there it was- in my own writing that I was good, happy even. Things are ten times better now than they were then and I still find myself with discontent. From further reading, I figured out what I was doing then that made life happy. I was praying, I was confident about what God was doing in my life despite my misery. So I know that I need to adjust my priorities and put God where he belongs, right by me, guiding me. That is why David wrote in Psalms: "The Lord is my shepherd", because if he truly is then all we have to do is follow him, we need not be lost.
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Thought for today
“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.”
C.S. Lewis
C.S. Lewis
The man of my dreams
I have no doubt that God has a special plan for my life and the man of my dreams. So while I wait to take that step, I will prepare myself to be the woman of my man’s dreams. I have learned a few relationship lessons in life; most importantly that you cannot change someone, you can only change yourself. I pray that I may be the woman that HE wants to share his life with. Lord I have prayed so much for the man that I will share my life with so I’m writing down my thoughts about this man of my dreams.
The man I will marry is loving and compassionate. He has a big heart for people and is willing to reach out to others. He is ambitious and pursues his hearts passions while providing for his family. Although a man should be a good provider, I believe the first thing every man should give his woman is himself. So I know that I will not have to worry about other people coming into our life and dismantling, confusing, upheaving our life because we have let them.
The man I will marry will be a role model for my son. He will teach him respect and honor. Teach him patience and forgiveness. He will teach him integrity and show him that a true man loves, a true man forgives, and a true man is always there for his family in good or bad. A true man is able to step up when a situation warrants it, not cower and run away from responsibility.
The man I will marry will do everything under the sun to make sure that our relationship is working. Even when we disagree and fight, I know that the man I will marry is complete and sure about the love that we have, just as I will be. He is willing to be humble and work on the relationship, and is not afraid to ask for help if the need arises. He will put his family before himself.
The man I will marry respects my family. There will be no compromise here. I know that he will do his level best to keep things smooth.
The man I will marry will put God first as the head of the home. He will seek to be a godly man and seek wise Christian counsel. He will make sure that his family is spiritually sound.
The man I will marry will want to grow: grow in his Christian walk, grow in his character, grow old with me.
In the meantime, I will continue to work on me. To work on the woman of HIS dreams as I prepare to be with the man of my dreams.
The man I will marry is loving and compassionate. He has a big heart for people and is willing to reach out to others. He is ambitious and pursues his hearts passions while providing for his family. Although a man should be a good provider, I believe the first thing every man should give his woman is himself. So I know that I will not have to worry about other people coming into our life and dismantling, confusing, upheaving our life because we have let them.
The man I will marry will be a role model for my son. He will teach him respect and honor. Teach him patience and forgiveness. He will teach him integrity and show him that a true man loves, a true man forgives, and a true man is always there for his family in good or bad. A true man is able to step up when a situation warrants it, not cower and run away from responsibility.
The man I will marry will do everything under the sun to make sure that our relationship is working. Even when we disagree and fight, I know that the man I will marry is complete and sure about the love that we have, just as I will be. He is willing to be humble and work on the relationship, and is not afraid to ask for help if the need arises. He will put his family before himself.
The man I will marry respects my family. There will be no compromise here. I know that he will do his level best to keep things smooth.
The man I will marry will put God first as the head of the home. He will seek to be a godly man and seek wise Christian counsel. He will make sure that his family is spiritually sound.
The man I will marry will want to grow: grow in his Christian walk, grow in his character, grow old with me.
In the meantime, I will continue to work on me. To work on the woman of HIS dreams as I prepare to be with the man of my dreams.
Friday, July 1, 2011
Comfort Zone
One of my favorite things to do in the summer is attend all the free concerts in the city. Chicago has many such venues exhibit A; the beautiful Pritzker Pavilion. Now since I moved to Chicago, I attend at least 5 or more events here each summer, all free, ranging from music concerts to movies to dance workouts. It’s so wonderful to meet and make friends. Yesterday I invited a friend who has lived in this city many years before me so naturally I was thinking they have been here before. Now imagine my surprise when he stated how wonderful the place looked since it was their first time! Now call me music lover or super outgoing, the former yes, the latter, not so much but how in the freaking universe have you never been to Pritzker Pavilion!!!
This got me to thinking about how we get into the routine of things in our lives and we limit ourselves to the things we know work: same route to work, same gym, same grocery store, same restaurant, same bar. It’s a comfort zone, after all “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it” right? The problem with doing just the things we know ‘work’ is we limit ourselves to the possibilities of what could be. We don’t get to see another side of things, think differently, heck we don’t even have to think. When we keep doing the same things, we just cruise on and our life plateaus into a monotonous routine and before we know it, we are old and the days have passed. Think of all the new experiences that you may be missing out if you could change up your routine today.
I love predictability, Lord knows I do. I try to plan most of the time, but one thing even I don’t understand about myself is that I love variety, spontaneity and trying new things. Call me disloyal but I don’t even stay with the same hair stylist, I have several. Sometimes when we stay in the same place for too long we don’t notice things that need fixing, things that are wrong, the stench in the corner. We just get used to the stench, the stress, the mess. Sometimes the best thing about venturing out is you discover that what you had before was the greatest thing there is out there, so you go back. But even in this instance, because you moved and learnt to appreciate what you have, the old seems like new.
Think about your relationship with God, are you in a plateau, a rut, same old prayer, same seat in church. God is calling us to get out of our comfort zone and step into his comfort zone. If we get stuck on what works for us then we limit God. If we don’t take chances we miss out on the miracles and the victories that God is waiting to perform in our life. Resolve to move from your comfort zone, take a different route, smile and give a dollar to the homeless man, say hi to that crabby co-worker you avoid, go to a different store, watch a new show, try a new recipe, talk to a struggling friend, take a chance, move your relationship with God to the next level. Don’t just pray about little things, trust God for big things, surrender the control and watch him work.
Take a step today - do something different, don’t get stuck in a rut, God wants you to open up to the possibilities and to the wonderful plans he has for your life. Let’s face it, we have little control in this world and trying to control things around us just stresses us out. If we let God, we free ourselves, experience life as he meant it for us and have joy. He alone is our comforter.
If you are in a comfort zone, which one is it, yours or Gods?
Jeremiah 29:11: For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
This got me to thinking about how we get into the routine of things in our lives and we limit ourselves to the things we know work: same route to work, same gym, same grocery store, same restaurant, same bar. It’s a comfort zone, after all “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it” right? The problem with doing just the things we know ‘work’ is we limit ourselves to the possibilities of what could be. We don’t get to see another side of things, think differently, heck we don’t even have to think. When we keep doing the same things, we just cruise on and our life plateaus into a monotonous routine and before we know it, we are old and the days have passed. Think of all the new experiences that you may be missing out if you could change up your routine today.
I love predictability, Lord knows I do. I try to plan most of the time, but one thing even I don’t understand about myself is that I love variety, spontaneity and trying new things. Call me disloyal but I don’t even stay with the same hair stylist, I have several. Sometimes when we stay in the same place for too long we don’t notice things that need fixing, things that are wrong, the stench in the corner. We just get used to the stench, the stress, the mess. Sometimes the best thing about venturing out is you discover that what you had before was the greatest thing there is out there, so you go back. But even in this instance, because you moved and learnt to appreciate what you have, the old seems like new.
Think about your relationship with God, are you in a plateau, a rut, same old prayer, same seat in church. God is calling us to get out of our comfort zone and step into his comfort zone. If we get stuck on what works for us then we limit God. If we don’t take chances we miss out on the miracles and the victories that God is waiting to perform in our life. Resolve to move from your comfort zone, take a different route, smile and give a dollar to the homeless man, say hi to that crabby co-worker you avoid, go to a different store, watch a new show, try a new recipe, talk to a struggling friend, take a chance, move your relationship with God to the next level. Don’t just pray about little things, trust God for big things, surrender the control and watch him work.
Take a step today - do something different, don’t get stuck in a rut, God wants you to open up to the possibilities and to the wonderful plans he has for your life. Let’s face it, we have little control in this world and trying to control things around us just stresses us out. If we let God, we free ourselves, experience life as he meant it for us and have joy. He alone is our comforter.
If you are in a comfort zone, which one is it, yours or Gods?
Jeremiah 29:11: For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
This ring
With this ring you pledged your love
With this ring came much happiness
With this ring you promised a lifetime
With this ring a new dream was born
With this ring you would be my partner in life
Now this ring is a reminder
Of love, happiness, promises, dreams, life
Deferred
Now this ring brings sadness and tears
Feeling abandoned and shamed
This love
Agonizing, broken, fleeting
This ring
Beautiful, Whole, precious
With this ring came much happiness
With this ring you promised a lifetime
With this ring a new dream was born
With this ring you would be my partner in life
Now this ring is a reminder
Of love, happiness, promises, dreams, life
Deferred
Now this ring brings sadness and tears
Feeling abandoned and shamed
This love
Agonizing, broken, fleeting
This ring
Beautiful, Whole, precious
Truth and Reality
When you finally see the truth, it’s like your eyes are opened for the very first time, and you can see clearly, you understand; and you are sad because the reality you lived in, was only a fraction of the truth. It was real, but it was not complete. It was not the truth. Sometimes as human beings we know, we sense, but we don’t want to uncover the truth because it might hurt, because it could move us, because it may be uncomfortable, but we forfeit peace, love and happiness. See, the truth sets you free, truth is universal and eternal; reality is relative and finite. Once reality ends, and if we choose truth, our eyes are opened; we can never go back because we are free. Truth sets us free. Jesus said, "I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me. John 14:6. If we choose Jesus, we choose truth. Apart from him everything is relative and finite. He is universal and eternal.
Healing
I am discouraged
once again I thought I could
But I can’t
Not with all this pain
My heart is fragile
How can I go on dear Lord?
Tell me how can I go on?
You tell me one step at a time
But my face is clouded with tears
And I would rather see the Promised Land
But you tell me one step at a time
Not with all this pain
My heart is broken
But you tell me you are with me
Yes Lord I know
I hold on to you dear Jesus
Your eye is on the sparrow
So I know you watch over me
I pray for strength to move
I pray for faith to step
I pray for forgiveness
Take this burden so I’m free
How can I go on dear Lord?
You say I can
So I believe in you
I believe in your word
I can go on
once again I thought I could
But I can’t
Not with all this pain
My heart is fragile
How can I go on dear Lord?
Tell me how can I go on?
You tell me one step at a time
But my face is clouded with tears
And I would rather see the Promised Land
But you tell me one step at a time
Not with all this pain
My heart is broken
But you tell me you are with me
Yes Lord I know
I hold on to you dear Jesus
Your eye is on the sparrow
So I know you watch over me
I pray for strength to move
I pray for faith to step
I pray for forgiveness
Take this burden so I’m free
How can I go on dear Lord?
You say I can
So I believe in you
I believe in your word
I can go on
Sunday, June 26, 2011
the heart's loss
Today I mourn:my relationship, love, a dream, a lifetime deferred. God, I was so not prepared for this. I went from being ecstatic about a lifetime to being completely deflated by the disappointment, never ending excuses and eventually the bitter reality.
Today I mourn for my son, for the life that he thought he would have, and the expectations that he has held. My heart just breaks for him so much. How could I let him love someone who would disappoint him then distance himself? How could I, what kind of mother does that…twice? Can I ever forgive myself?
Today I mourn for my parents, for the trouble they have had to go through and for the pain that they bear on my behalf. They wish me well and it’s so hard for them to see me keep falling over and over again. I thank God for their support and wisdom..yes, mostly wisdom even when I didn’t notice it, I realize now how wise they have been.
Tomorrow, maybe tomorrow, I will mourn for me.
Today I mourn for my son, for the life that he thought he would have, and the expectations that he has held. My heart just breaks for him so much. How could I let him love someone who would disappoint him then distance himself? How could I, what kind of mother does that…twice? Can I ever forgive myself?
Today I mourn for my parents, for the trouble they have had to go through and for the pain that they bear on my behalf. They wish me well and it’s so hard for them to see me keep falling over and over again. I thank God for their support and wisdom..yes, mostly wisdom even when I didn’t notice it, I realize now how wise they have been.
Tomorrow, maybe tomorrow, I will mourn for me.
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
The Yo-Yo effect
You are up
You are down
Feeling great
Then feeling burst
Sometimes just over-stretched
Is this what life is really about?
One day smell the roses
Some others just too cloudy
Nothing appeases
How about some predictability?
Do the downs last longer
Than the coming ups ?
Or is it as they say,
Darkest right before dawn?
Who holds the string, who tugs?
I prayed for answers
Just one I did find
There is a master at work
For all the ups and downs
Prepare me somehow
While up I will praise
While down I will overcome
Gaining strength and humility
Whether up or down
The master is my guide
You are down
Feeling great
Then feeling burst
Sometimes just over-stretched
Is this what life is really about?
One day smell the roses
Some others just too cloudy
Nothing appeases
How about some predictability?
Do the downs last longer
Than the coming ups ?
Or is it as they say,
Darkest right before dawn?
Who holds the string, who tugs?
I prayed for answers
Just one I did find
There is a master at work
For all the ups and downs
Prepare me somehow
While up I will praise
While down I will overcome
Gaining strength and humility
Whether up or down
The master is my guide
Lord take this hurt
It hurts to think
It hurts to sleep
My dreams haunt me
My to be life extraordinaire
Now my nightmare
It hurts to love
It hurts to be hurt
My heart is broken
My to be life extraordinaire
Now just a crazy idea?
The things I liked
Are just passing me by
My God, how did I get here?
Did I loose sight,
Of what you desire my life to be?
The things I planned
Now just seem obscured
By all this hurt
Help me gain but a mustard seed
Size of faith to see the sun
If I know one thing
Is in You I have hope
I give you my hurt
Heal me Lord
Turn it into a blessing
In place of all the hurt
I accept your grace and pardon
For peace and joy are mine
And a new vision
To keep on loving
It hurts to sleep
My dreams haunt me
My to be life extraordinaire
Now my nightmare
It hurts to love
It hurts to be hurt
My heart is broken
My to be life extraordinaire
Now just a crazy idea?
The things I liked
Are just passing me by
My God, how did I get here?
Did I loose sight,
Of what you desire my life to be?
The things I planned
Now just seem obscured
By all this hurt
Help me gain but a mustard seed
Size of faith to see the sun
If I know one thing
Is in You I have hope
I give you my hurt
Heal me Lord
Turn it into a blessing
In place of all the hurt
I accept your grace and pardon
For peace and joy are mine
And a new vision
To keep on loving
The day the Lord moved
“The Lord himself goes before you, and will be with you”. Deuteronomy 31:8
Have you ever reached a time when you felt exhausted with and by the things going on around you? Have you ever felt that you needed God to intervene in order for things to work? Yet at the same time the frustration of the situation overcomes you and you become so downcast? This was me the morning I was supposed to move out of my apartment. I was exhausted physically and emotionally. I had been planning this move the month prior, packing meticulously albeit slowly, but by the morning of, the task at hand just seemed so monumental; much more than I could handle and certainly more than I had anticipated. Everything about this move had been exhausting, from finding out that I needed to move sooner that I anticipated and the grueling task of finding a new place amidst having final exams. So by the morning of the move, I was defeated by what I saw in front of me. I heard the ‘bleep’ on my phone signifying my daily Bible verse text; I knew it was already 8 am and I prayed a simple prayer (or complaint), “God I don’t know how I’m going to do this!” The answer came in the form of that bible verse text message in Deuteronomy 31:8.
It was one of those moments you know God is going to work but you don’t know how. I just figured that I was going to get strength to work or somehow the packing would become magically easier than I thought. I looked at the boxes and then at all my stuff….if I worked nonstop for the next five hours, I thought, I should be good by the time the movers get here. The more I worked, the more insurmountable the work became. That was the end of myself and the beginning of God. God spoke to a dear friend who decided to come in earlier than planned and another friend who called and wanted to know if I needed help. I’m not sure why I had not even asked for help in the first place. Is it ever like that in your life, that you feel that you can do it all by yourself? It is uncomfortable to ask people for help, this is the culture of do-it-yourself; but this is not God’s way of doing things. My friend whom I had not even asked, in a heartbeat cleared not only hers but her family’s schedule for the day to come help me, and help me they did! I did not ask or tell or direct, they did what needed to get done. The movers were pleasant and worked hard.
God is so gracious, he is at work in our lives even when we cannot speak or do for ourselves. Let us not have such low expectations of God, he is our God, our Alpha and Omega. He says that his grace is sufficient for us and made perfect in weakness. I’m a planner, I could have probably planned this move meticulously and way in advance but because I was removed from it and indeed had little to do with how things turned out, I was able to see God intervening in this situation however minute it may seem. I can’t even put in words how much love I felt from those friends that day, but more importantly how much I felt that God was asking of me to just have a little bit more faith, be a bit more trusting and give up control of things I can’t even control. God takes care of the birds; in Luke 12 he says “How much more valuable are you than the birds!” If he can take care of birds, flowers and wild grass, we should know that our God cares about us in every situation! We need God and we need the fellowship of the people he has put around us. Let us seek God and his kingdom and he will reveal to us his perfect plan in our lives. Do not underestimate God and keep praying for he is about to move in your life if a way you may not have an understanding of and in the way that you need. We can trust him with all things big and small.
2 Corinthians 12:9 “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. So then I will boast most gladly about my weakness so that the power of Christ may reside in me.”
Have you ever reached a time when you felt exhausted with and by the things going on around you? Have you ever felt that you needed God to intervene in order for things to work? Yet at the same time the frustration of the situation overcomes you and you become so downcast? This was me the morning I was supposed to move out of my apartment. I was exhausted physically and emotionally. I had been planning this move the month prior, packing meticulously albeit slowly, but by the morning of, the task at hand just seemed so monumental; much more than I could handle and certainly more than I had anticipated. Everything about this move had been exhausting, from finding out that I needed to move sooner that I anticipated and the grueling task of finding a new place amidst having final exams. So by the morning of the move, I was defeated by what I saw in front of me. I heard the ‘bleep’ on my phone signifying my daily Bible verse text; I knew it was already 8 am and I prayed a simple prayer (or complaint), “God I don’t know how I’m going to do this!” The answer came in the form of that bible verse text message in Deuteronomy 31:8.
It was one of those moments you know God is going to work but you don’t know how. I just figured that I was going to get strength to work or somehow the packing would become magically easier than I thought. I looked at the boxes and then at all my stuff….if I worked nonstop for the next five hours, I thought, I should be good by the time the movers get here. The more I worked, the more insurmountable the work became. That was the end of myself and the beginning of God. God spoke to a dear friend who decided to come in earlier than planned and another friend who called and wanted to know if I needed help. I’m not sure why I had not even asked for help in the first place. Is it ever like that in your life, that you feel that you can do it all by yourself? It is uncomfortable to ask people for help, this is the culture of do-it-yourself; but this is not God’s way of doing things. My friend whom I had not even asked, in a heartbeat cleared not only hers but her family’s schedule for the day to come help me, and help me they did! I did not ask or tell or direct, they did what needed to get done. The movers were pleasant and worked hard.
God is so gracious, he is at work in our lives even when we cannot speak or do for ourselves. Let us not have such low expectations of God, he is our God, our Alpha and Omega. He says that his grace is sufficient for us and made perfect in weakness. I’m a planner, I could have probably planned this move meticulously and way in advance but because I was removed from it and indeed had little to do with how things turned out, I was able to see God intervening in this situation however minute it may seem. I can’t even put in words how much love I felt from those friends that day, but more importantly how much I felt that God was asking of me to just have a little bit more faith, be a bit more trusting and give up control of things I can’t even control. God takes care of the birds; in Luke 12 he says “How much more valuable are you than the birds!” If he can take care of birds, flowers and wild grass, we should know that our God cares about us in every situation! We need God and we need the fellowship of the people he has put around us. Let us seek God and his kingdom and he will reveal to us his perfect plan in our lives. Do not underestimate God and keep praying for he is about to move in your life if a way you may not have an understanding of and in the way that you need. We can trust him with all things big and small.
2 Corinthians 12:9 “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. So then I will boast most gladly about my weakness so that the power of Christ may reside in me.”
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
the years happenings so far
I have neglected this blog, the busyness of life this winter has been a bit much, but I think of stuff I need to write daily. A lot is happening:
My lil man got his eye glasses yesterday, I can't believe it! He does not reeeally need them but he is a bit shortsighted..sigh. Apparently it's because children spend more time indoors and read more at an early age so...I'm thinking we might spend all summer in the wild just to correct that nearsightedness. $85 for the pair and I hope I do not go home to hear that they are missing broken. I spotted him putting them in his pocket yesterday and cautioned him that it's the best way to have broken glasses. On the flip side, I made sure to buy warranty.
This kid is soo grown. It sometimes breaks my heart but then again, this is the process of life. I signed him up for cooking class after school and he has been teaching me how to hold a knife. He really wanted to cut the onion last night, yikes! I wanted him to appreciate food and cooking health but he's taken it to the next level. Of course he does not stop with the funnies: "why does your hair start so far off your forehead, why can't it start closer"...referring to my big forehead- kids have guts! Yesterday he noticed he had lines under his eyes and wanted me to help him "remove" them. I asked him to wash his face and lotion up after which he was mad because his "lines" were still there. I asked him to drink more water.
School is school, what can I say...I am learning a lot, and sometimes it makes me mad, because I learn how oppressive the 'system' can be. I have been working in a marginalized community and I can't believe the level of poverty, desperation, neglect and hopelessness. Sometimes it's too much. I have made some friends there and I hope to work in garden there over the summer. The people I have met have been so warm. How come poor people tend to be warm, they have a lot more to complain about. It's hard to find well-to do folks who are so warm.
My relationship..I don't know, but I know that relationships are hardwork and that whoever said men are from Mars and women from Venus was right! I'm too grown for compromise but then again a health relationship requires that.
The weather is getting better, thank God, because winter believe it or not, and 10 years of it later, is STILL not my thing.
I'm still mad that I live so far from my family, and that life is so isolated over here. Maybe I need to get over it but it bugs me and I'm praying that God changes some things around so I'm able to move back close to my family. I believe it's going to happen, SOMEHOW!
God is still being God. I have a closer relationship with him now that I did at the beginning of the year. I'm reminded that life does not make sense without God and I continue to seek him, actually I'm learning to surrender....all. I have had to readjust my life, get rid of some friendships, make time for healthy ones, put my career in his hands, I know he has a great plan. I'm praying for faith and trust to take big leaps to the place he has for me. I know that where I'm now is just temporary but I'm learning a few lessons that will help me ahead. I think that is what God does.
My lil man got his eye glasses yesterday, I can't believe it! He does not reeeally need them but he is a bit shortsighted..sigh. Apparently it's because children spend more time indoors and read more at an early age so...I'm thinking we might spend all summer in the wild just to correct that nearsightedness. $85 for the pair and I hope I do not go home to hear that they are missing broken. I spotted him putting them in his pocket yesterday and cautioned him that it's the best way to have broken glasses. On the flip side, I made sure to buy warranty.
This kid is soo grown. It sometimes breaks my heart but then again, this is the process of life. I signed him up for cooking class after school and he has been teaching me how to hold a knife. He really wanted to cut the onion last night, yikes! I wanted him to appreciate food and cooking health but he's taken it to the next level. Of course he does not stop with the funnies: "why does your hair start so far off your forehead, why can't it start closer"...referring to my big forehead- kids have guts! Yesterday he noticed he had lines under his eyes and wanted me to help him "remove" them. I asked him to wash his face and lotion up after which he was mad because his "lines" were still there. I asked him to drink more water.
School is school, what can I say...I am learning a lot, and sometimes it makes me mad, because I learn how oppressive the 'system' can be. I have been working in a marginalized community and I can't believe the level of poverty, desperation, neglect and hopelessness. Sometimes it's too much. I have made some friends there and I hope to work in garden there over the summer. The people I have met have been so warm. How come poor people tend to be warm, they have a lot more to complain about. It's hard to find well-to do folks who are so warm.
My relationship..I don't know, but I know that relationships are hardwork and that whoever said men are from Mars and women from Venus was right! I'm too grown for compromise but then again a health relationship requires that.
The weather is getting better, thank God, because winter believe it or not, and 10 years of it later, is STILL not my thing.
I'm still mad that I live so far from my family, and that life is so isolated over here. Maybe I need to get over it but it bugs me and I'm praying that God changes some things around so I'm able to move back close to my family. I believe it's going to happen, SOMEHOW!
God is still being God. I have a closer relationship with him now that I did at the beginning of the year. I'm reminded that life does not make sense without God and I continue to seek him, actually I'm learning to surrender....all. I have had to readjust my life, get rid of some friendships, make time for healthy ones, put my career in his hands, I know he has a great plan. I'm praying for faith and trust to take big leaps to the place he has for me. I know that where I'm now is just temporary but I'm learning a few lessons that will help me ahead. I think that is what God does.
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Fallacy
Oh the idiots that make this world run, how would we live without them?
They provide drama, unquestionable lunacy
Entertain us while so proving their knowledge
But in the end, we know they just
Want to be wanted, needed, heard, understood - maybe
All the while projecting their insecurities
Trying to make others look bad
So they can look good
It might save some image, even get them one foot in
But it never cures the inside
See you cannot lie to yourself forever - I think
Unless totally disillusioned,
And then what a waste of life
Take heed if you encounter one, do not be fooled
Do not partake; let them roll in it - folly that is
Oh the narcissists of this world, if only you knew
The only place you are king, is in your own head!
This is an actual encounter with a narcissist, 1/12/2011
They provide drama, unquestionable lunacy
Entertain us while so proving their knowledge
But in the end, we know they just
Want to be wanted, needed, heard, understood - maybe
All the while projecting their insecurities
Trying to make others look bad
So they can look good
It might save some image, even get them one foot in
But it never cures the inside
See you cannot lie to yourself forever - I think
Unless totally disillusioned,
And then what a waste of life
Take heed if you encounter one, do not be fooled
Do not partake; let them roll in it - folly that is
Oh the narcissists of this world, if only you knew
The only place you are king, is in your own head!
This is an actual encounter with a narcissist, 1/12/2011
Monday, January 17, 2011
2011 - year of faith and hope
This is definitely a sign of the times. It's half-way through January and I have not blogged once. I have had so many things to say it's burning in my head. For starters I went home sweet home in December. That is all there is to say, because that is total relaxation mode so much so I didn't want to be bothered with internet and all to do a post. It was heavenly and like all other times, I wished that it had been a one-way ticket.
Sadly I have returned to my life, now reduced to the dash to the car, work, school, home for the next 5 months. No room to smell roses - heck there are no roses! Just bushy reminders that summer will come again and that we will again forget this zombie-like life that winter produces not to mention the serious denial. I mean when it's 30 degrees we rejoice because it's not 10 degrees and it has "warmed up". What kind of crap is that?
O Lord once more help me survive this winter with grace, humility and a thankful heart.It's hard, very hard, but I believe I'm here in Chicago for a reason. I believe in the Lord's plan for this year and I'm really excited even though I'm not sure what the totality of it will be.
Thank God for God's grace, how else could we go on without the hope he offers?
Sadly I have returned to my life, now reduced to the dash to the car, work, school, home for the next 5 months. No room to smell roses - heck there are no roses! Just bushy reminders that summer will come again and that we will again forget this zombie-like life that winter produces not to mention the serious denial. I mean when it's 30 degrees we rejoice because it's not 10 degrees and it has "warmed up". What kind of crap is that?
O Lord once more help me survive this winter with grace, humility and a thankful heart.It's hard, very hard, but I believe I'm here in Chicago for a reason. I believe in the Lord's plan for this year and I'm really excited even though I'm not sure what the totality of it will be.
Thank God for God's grace, how else could we go on without the hope he offers?
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