Monday, March 26, 2007

letting go

One of the chief obstacles to this perfection of selfless charity, is the selfish anxiety to get the most out of everything, to be a brilliant success in our own eyes and in the eyes of other men. We can only get rid of this anxiety by being content to miss something in almost everything we do.

We cannot master everything, taste everything, understand everything, drain every experience to its last dregs. But if we have the courage to let almost everything else go, we will probably be able to retain the one thing necessary for us -whatever it may be. If we are too eager to have everything, we will almost certainly miss even the one thing we need.

Happiness consists in finding out precisely what the 'one thing necessary' may be, in our lives, and in gladly relinquishing all the rest. For then, by a divine paradox, we find that everything else is given us together with the one thing we needed.

No Man is an Island, Thomas Merton

Thursday, March 22, 2007

conversations that make you go hmm....

I had a rather interesting discussion with a jamaa (non-Kenyan) and his way of thinking is beginning to amuse or so not amuse me. I sense the conservative type from a number of issues. I agree that men and women are different and physically the weaker sex (should I say some) and that some professions are better suited for one and not the other etc..but I asked if he would cook for his woman. He paused. He said he doesn’t entertain the idea of a couple ati dishing out days when they should cook, ati you cook today I cook kesho. He said he would rather take her to a restaurant every time rather than cook. Mind you its not that he can’t, what the heck is up with that?

Ok his refusal to cook for his mama aside, he mentioned that Kenyan men will just do anything for their women, cooking of course being one of them while they are dating and then turn around when they settle and demand payback. But overall he implied that women are trying to domesticate men by having them fill certain roles that are suited for women. I had to check my calendar at this point to remind myself what century we are in. I really didn’t know where to start on this philosophy. First I don’t know why people like to get hung up on such issues. I don’t even think a guy cooking for me is a big issue, I mean if you come home and feel like starting the process, well and good. If you can’t cook, well we can work around that in various ways, but for you to say in my face you won’t cook for me because you are the man…..aiii let me stop there before some not so nice words come out. I had issues with most households in general growing up (mine included) because men just did not enter the kitchen for any reason. But in retrospect, there was little motivation since the house girl was always there. But in the State’s with no housi and I find my the man sitting on the couch reading a newspaper waiting for me to cook…I will scream!

This discussion was never officially closed but I sense I will not be engaging in the sequel unless I find out this man was playing devil’s advocate or I get insanely curious to hear the rest of his intransigent ideas.

Monday, March 19, 2007

the evening part II

So after the jazz experience, I was hungry and being 10 p.m. I didn’t have too many options. As I was contemplating my next move, my good friend whose b-day was the day before called and suggested we try a new place in town. Now if you know me, I’m like the energizer bunny so no need for a lot of nudging despite the fact that I had to be at work the next day. So I indulged in a Mcd’s quarter pounder and headed for the new spot. We got some wine, there were a few people in there but the music was hot. Now I’ve discovered that in this city it’s very hard to find a mixed crowd, it’s either all jungus or all miro’s regardless of the music hence the quest for a new venue.

We got close to the dance floor where people were already getting jiggy with it. Just before I could join in the merry a gentleman approached us, the usual introductions, nothing corny. Apparently he was in town for a short meeting but lives in London so he asked if we wanted to join him and his friends at a table. We had some more drinks, talked, and danced, had my palm read by him…..he claimed a few things that were shockingly true. I’m not sure if I believe in any of that, I think its calculated guesses. We had such a good time and all the guys were refreshingly mature gentlemen. I got a good vibe from this guy who was Indian/Italian and we exchanged info, maybe a London visit in the works…lol. It was hard to say goodbye to a good time.

It was now approaching 1 a.m when we went to the coat check. This guy happened to be checking his coat in asked why we were leaving. He had a thick French accent and he seriously begged us (in a nice way) to stay for just a bit of the time. He was in town with three of his friends from Denver blah blah blah. By now we were thinking oh Lawd lets just meet his friends then quickly disappear. Wacha we saw his friends, we forgot all about our plans to leave. These men were seriously hot! There was the Swiss, the Italian, the Greek and our persuasive French man. We were so intrigued, they all had the different accents, well dressed, impeccable manners and need I say we danced some more. Apparently the Swiss guy said part of his family was from Egypt hence the hint of color but who cared he was hot as it was and the words were hotter as they came out of his mouth. After drooling over these men for over an hour and them treating us like the African queens we are, we HAD to call it a night.

I’ve never had so much fun in one very unplanned night. In retrospect we think our hot European men may have been gay…lol.. looked too good to be true. That is how my weekend started. Friday was fried chicken with the girls and the best Mac n cheese I’ve ever had. Our final b-day celebration on Sato (yes my friend celebrated her b-day for 3 days), this was very unplanned but we were in the same club as the Roots and Questlove (the drummer) was the guest DJ that night!!!! Let me just say I don’t even have more words to describe Sato except it was everything you hope a night out with all your friends is going to be. Now it means the pocket is seriously hurting and I will have to stay home for a while but it was well worth it. Talk about Monday blues.

Friday, March 16, 2007

the evening part I

I went out last night and had the most fabulous time! I have to write this before it gets all crumpled up in my mind. So the evening started slow. I went to get my hair done, for no special reason except that it needed to be done. This was quite the ordeal, it took me 2 and half hours just to have it washed and set in rollers! I was somewhat in a good mood. I think it helped that I was reading a book and not just any other but Iyanla Vanzant’s “In the meantime” so that helped me forget that I had made an APPOINTMENT. Clearly that word ignored, I left there late for my jazz debut in the city. I had read about this smooth jazz place that opened up recently and was determined to check it out at 7 p.m. Well, the salon experience ended around 8 and I was wondering whether to get a bite to eat or jazz it up. I decided to do the latter so I found parking relatively close to the place.

I have made this resolution that if I want to go someplace that no one else has time for, I will be brave and check it out myself. Now this city is not designed for loners and a place full of people doesn’t usually guarantee a good social time.

I walked through the door, past the curtains that revealed a nice ambiance, well-done space, dim-lighting and people sitting at the bar talking. My immediate reaction was to cut and run. But then that would not be professional so I went to the next best thing, pretended to be on the phone and started looking through my phone to kill my nerves. Just as I was starting to feel very dumb, this gentleman, probably the owner came up to me and asked if I wanted to be sited and if I was alone. Of course I mumbled that my friends could not make it but he was nice and said he would sit me at the end of the bar close to the band.

Turns out there was a guy standing at the end of the bar having a conversation with the lady who was occupying the seat at the end of the bar. I ended up breaking them up since that was the only place for the seat. The guy was all suit and tie and the lady was there with female company and had just been making conversation with the dude. So I guess I had to make convo with this guy, he was good-looking and so perfectly dressed.... I started to feel awkward. This is a place for mostly 30-40 somethings. Mature and everyone obviously dressed up from work or other and here I was in my jeans, my top was a nice formal-cut and I had chandelier earrings that rocked. Thank God for my newly done hair, I hope it distracted from the nervousness. The guy introduced himself and I learned he is well-traveled, well-spoken, has great career. I also introduced myself and thank God the band came up and started playing. We had on and off conversation while the band played and it was great, I got a lot more comfortable, we talked about the cities we’ve been to, about what we like to do in the city, turns out he just moved here not to long ago. He was very humble about his being and that was nice.

To say the jazz was awesome is an understatement. They played Robin Thicke’s “Lost without you” and my heart melted; I knew I was in the right place. Every piece was a good as the one before if not better. He then offered to get me a glass of wine; I declined as it was going on 10 p.m. I reminded myself that I needed to get a bite to eat and was still driving myself home. I excused myself to leave and the gentleman pulled out his card and said he would love to get together again. Where are those darn business cards when you need them? He asked if he could walk me to my car and I informed him I was ok, my car was parked close. By this time my cut and run mode was kicking in again, I said my goodbyes, thanked the owner, got some more info on the band and tried not to run out of there.

What I didn’t know was that the night had just begun on a good note! This post it getting long and believe it or not there is more to this night yet to be put down on paper or screen.

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

I'm just in a good mood

"I love the recklessness of faith-first you jump, then you grow wings." -William Sloane Coffin

I'm a sucker for quotes, I ran into this one today and just loved it.

I have been learning to appreciate what I have in life, taking it easy. So I got the John Mayer CD (yes I haven't bought a CD in ages and I'm proud I didn't look around for someone to burn it for me). There is something great about his style and I can't get enough of "Waiting for the World to change". Yesterday a co-worker gave me the Corrine Bailey Rae CD: nice and mellow, and I finally got Iyanla Vanzant's book "In the Meantime" and just having read the intro, its looking good.

I spent last night looking over the final agreements with lots of legal gibberish. I feel ok. My last court date will be next week and I pray never to see the inside of a courtroom ever again unless I'm the attorney.

My lil man and I had a fabulous weekend and week, the temperatures were cooperating and 4 -year olds never get tired, even when they are tired. It takes a combination of jumping up and down, running, eating, being loud, playing with trucks, eating again and more up and down the walls just to wear the boy off. I see why my parents had four of us, they had their work cut out for them.

Today I get to be just by myself and recover. I'm loving this me time and I'm learning to love my own company. I used to be frazzled everytime I went home to an empty house; I'm so used to company but not today. I will echo the words on Corrinne's CD, I will put my music on, let my hair down and just relax.

Thursday, March 8, 2007

support in finding the truth

Yesterday was the one year anniversary of my being in a support group. Now anytime I heard the words support group prior, I got a mental picture of very disturbed people sitting in a circle echoing the words “My name is…and I am an alcoholic”. The first place I sought support was an online community where I posted anonymously and received feedback that really pushed me to the next level. I didn’t think I was ever going to go face to face with strangers about my issues. About a year ago in deep distress, I sought a place where people would understand what I was going through and where I was coming from. I needed validation that what I was experiencing was not out of this world and that I could overcome it. This ministry (yes it is church-based) has been the most influential and critical part of who I am today. The values expressed here are that no one should experience any type of abuse be it physical, emotional, psychological, verbal, spiritual or financial and if we have, how to overcome and better yet how to equip ourselves so we avoid the same circumstances. For example setting healthy boundaries with the people in your life. The ability to say no and keep from pleasing people. It sounds like life 101 and it really is a class I wish I had taken in college. I always say that I would have benefited greatly if I had such a resource when I was 20. Back then I would have thought that was a joke because I thought I had it all figured out.

It’s about knowing the truth and the truth is what really will set you free. The reason why I sought a Christian support group is because I grew up with Christian values some of which became my entanglement and I really wanted to figure out where I needed to draw the line. For many Christians, instead of church/Christianity/religion empowering you and freeing you, it enslaves us to tradition and practice that are not part of the true message of the Bible. This was my first weak point in that someone used the Bible and because I followed tradition and not the truth, I’m in a place where I am. I am conscious know of how eagerly people will play the Christian card to suit their purposes.

There is something powerful about sitting in a room and knowing that everyone there to some degree has been in the same situation and no amount of knowledge or sympathy can replace the depth of that experience. It’s a place where you can vent without feeling judged and can receive feedback from people who know the struggle. Everyone is at a different stage some struggling, some trying to maintain that balance in life but it’s about bouncing off ideas that work and creating a resource. The empowering aspect is spending time with women who have overcome their fears and insecurities, others who are in the midst of it all and struggling, still others who don’t know about these issues even though they are in the midst of them and are trying to figure it all out. I can see myself in all those women. When I hear someone stuck at the beginning wondering if they are going mad, I can see myself there a year ago. So even though I doubt myself at times, I know I have come far and I can trace the progress.

The group leader has let me know that I’m not the same woman they met; I have grown spiritually and emotionally. I am so empowered that when someone suggested a support group for parents going through a divorce I did not hesitate and this has proven to be a great resource as well.

Outside my support group I have also found support in numerous other places by just aligning my values or experiences with others, sometimes talking about them. Simply by adjusting my radar, being informed, I have met and made connections with phenomenal women and men who I would not have otherwise.

I wish in a way this could be applied to the rest of my life, support group for procrastinators or people who fall in love with their shoes, or people who want quality meals in the shortest time possible…actually I think I have Rachel Ray for that, what about formalizing the support group a lot of us women belong to..the one for women who need a truly loving man but can’t find him usually occurring as a b!tch session with my girlfriends, I have digressed…let me stop before I kill this post.

Truth is I’m glad for all the experiences I have had in my life. I’m grateful for all the women who through their struggle have empowered me and helped me be a better person.

Monday, March 5, 2007

honest with myself

This weekend I stayed home for the most part, something I haven’t done in a long time. I had a really good time with friends on Friday. As I was trying to catch up with a friend, I was relaying all that I had been up to in the past year and I was spilling all my accomplishments if I can call them that. I went home that night and thought about what I was saying about myself and it was sounding contradictory to the direction I thought I was moving in. In fact I feel like I may have been bragging…. about stuff that now seems so not worth it. I really hope not, coz I hate when people brag. Talking about it somehow felt like I had spent a better part of last year being in denial about where I was in life. I also think I may have been overcompensating… unconsciously trying to prove that I still got IT. IT being whether it is at a party getting attention from an XY, being the supermom or being the star worker. I somehow don’t want anyone to see me different and I want to shout: “I’m ok, really, I’m hurting, but I can still take on that project, my child will always be in top shape, I’m a single mom but still savvy…”
Today I’m just acknowledging something that I’ve already been aware of, that I have spent the past year trying to mask a lot of pain. That somehow I still feel inadequate and have been trying to compensate for my feeling lonely, lost and dumb at times. I’m not as unscathed as I want to make it seem and neither I’m I as pristine as I would like to be. Wow, this is a tough pill to swallow!
I want to be the triumphant woman and mother who went through a rough time, learnt from the hard lessons, matured and succeeded beyond measure. That is the direction I want to be moving in. I really need to work on not needing outside approval, because I got it all in me to be all that and more. But I’m encouraged because I feel like I’ve made a dent in the healing process.
So on Saturday as I watched the Oprah special on her school in SA, I cried the whole time. At times I wasn’t sure if I was crying because of the stories or because I could see myself in those girls, trying to overcome crap that happens in life and watching them be so strong and then realize their dreams through the dreams of another, it was such a compelling story. I seriously admire Oprah, I almost want to go to that level and say, yeah to heck with marriage, you can be so much more without it. I already have a child but not stressing about the 3 more I thought I was going to have (lol) But I guess I would still have to keep a man on the side..lol. I still want to know how she works that in her life.
For real though, I’m feeling good because I can be honest with myself about what is going on. I'm not sure why I'm taking personal inventory in March but Like Thomas Jefferson said "Honesty is the first chapter of the book of wisdom." I’m definitely feeling wiser than I was 2 years or 6 months ago, even though my life seems like a yoyo I know I’m getting there.

Friday, March 2, 2007

this Friday rant

TGIF!! Today has been the longest day at work. I don't know how many times I have said today that I just want to go home. I have work that could be done but I'm procrastinating. I wasn't as productive today, can't blame me, I mean its 31 degrees outside and I don't remember the last time I saw the sun or a blue sky. Ok I'm complaining but really my spirits are high. I was out and about the last two weeks when temperatures were so low they should be illegal. I mean if the high for the day is 1 degree farenheight and a wind chill of -20, the only logical thing is people to stay put but nooo, in this part of the country life goes on. They even announced that if you are exposed to the cold for about 30 min, your face will freeze...lol. Now that it is 31, we're feeling pretty warm. Obviously I have been brainwashed!
I'm having dinner with a bunch of friends and so psyched up about that. This guy I met is in town and I really like him, so we will hang out at some point. I need to do my taxes $$$. I should have done my hair, I want to look fabulous but I'm trying to save money so maybe I'll do it myself..argghh. I don't like the blowdryer or the hairdryer for that matter but I want to look superfly. Beauty pains! There was this hot man interviewing to work here, so every girl in the office was raving about him, he didn't have a ring on his finger.+10 but we someone found out he is gay..sigh.. all the points off. I guess is still good looking just not in the market. I'm ranting now so I should just go get my weekend started.