Wednesday, December 9, 2009

That 'stuff' on his head....

So my Lil Man, does not like taking a bath....initially, because once he gets in, you know the story, he does not want to get out!! So this past Tue was no exception. He fought and gave excuses like he has not touched any dirt, he is too tired to take a bath. Of course I was not having it.

Once in the tub as usual, he decides he likes taking a bath but a Charlie Brown Christmas show that was coming on saved the bath toys. Yesterday was really cold and our place takes forever to warm up so I washed him washed his hair, pulled the stopper. By now he was acclimated to the bath idea and was still in the tub waiting for all the water to go down. I grabbed a dry face cloth and asked him to dry his hair quickly so he does not get cold. So his response.."No it's ok mommmy, I don't want to dry my hair." (I expected that, 6 year olds always want to do the opposite of what you tell them)
Me: But you will be really cold if you don't."
"No I won't, because hair has fur on it that protects it from being cold!"

Say What?!

My son has fur on his hair. I love how 6 yr olds think. I guess it makes some sense. Why should your head feel cold if it has a layer of hair/fur on it?

I was going to explain the whole evaporation/cold/heat business but I was too busy laughing. I love me some Lil Man humor.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

the madness pokes its head

In true tradition of this blog, I have to record my recent run-ins with the truly narcissistic EX. Apparently the world has crumbled because I revealed to my lil man that he will be travelling to visit his grandma this Christmas. I didn't have any intentions of doing it but he overheard me on the phone. I didn't think it was a big deal since no explicit instructions were given NOT to reveal.

So I get the part where someone would be mad, but the part where they feel the need to shame me, put me down, call me names and claim that I'm out to ruin a father/son relationship? Total narcissism and once again I praise the Lord from delivering me from the mouth of this lunacy. The Text word for word "Once again you have shown your ignorance about a father son relationship. Next time super glue your lips shut, that way u can have plenty of time to think before you run another great surprise between X(lil man) and I". This is after my very sincere apology.....This is a series of events just in this past week. Who the crap does he think he is? I honestly feel sorry for this man so I'm not even replying but the most saddening part is I often wonder how I can let my child spend a minute under the influence of a psychologically and emotionally deficient person such as this! Grow up man....this is not 1st grade!

Then again in such times, I remember that God is the only one who gives me strength to survive literally because I would loose my mind otherwise. Thank you Jesus for loving me and reminding me that there is someone else who is in control.

Despite my sadness over this holiday season, God has really shown me how much love surrounds me this season and I'm grateful for my life.

Monday, November 16, 2009

Thanksgiving fears

Thanksgiving……I have a lot of things to be thankful for: family, friends, work, school, good health, good grades, etc. I’m so blessed which is why I feel a bit selfish for being so anxious about the actual holiday. The months of November and December bring happiness and sadness in much the same amounts. If I’m not travelling to see my family which is not so often, I know I will be in cold Chicago and I’m always anxious about being alone during the holidays and while everybody has happily made plans to be with their family, I’m always in that awkward state of unplanned Thanksgiving, unplanned Christmas. I almost hate it when people ask me what I’m doing for Thanksgiving. There are usually a number of scenarios when this question comes up with my response (in my head) after it.

Scenario 1: Person asking is going out of town to be with family. When I respond that I have no plans, there’s the usual, do you have family anywhere close or how often do you get to see your family? Sad story that I wish I didn’t have to recount.
Scenario 2: Person asking feels has family in town/burbs so they say that if I don’t have any plans, I can join their family for Thanksgiving. Maybe
Scenario 3: Person asking has family in town but it’s obvious Thanksgiving is “their” thing so the invitation is made in a weird way like “we’ll be home, you can always join us” sounding intrusive but willing to sacrifice type of vibe. A big NO
Scenario 4: Person asking is truly honestly concerned and especially if they are Africans in the Diaspora, I know they truly mean it. Most Likely

The comfortable scenario only happens about 10% of the time. How’s that possible? I know many people; ok I think I have friends.

See, I used to have this friend in Chicago who is real cool like family and I knew that unless they were going out of town, we would stick together for Thanksgiving wherever we were going to be. Too bad they moved to a different city and now I’m back to square one.

I’m not throwing a pity party for myself. I’m really not. But this has the tendency to make me want to have 5+ kids so I can always have a big family around me. Not a good reason but reasonable. So I’m thinking I should start my own party and invite people who have nowhere else to go as opposed to having the 5+ kids. I think that’s a better plan. Starting next year that is… See this year; I have this job with bare minimum vacation and school, mostly school. So I can’t afford to take up too much time entertaining while I have pending final exams!

I’m not sure where I was going with this but I’m thankful for my family that I know will be with me: my Lil and my Main man. Even if it’s just the 3 of us, we have a lot to be thankful for.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

How much Lysol do we need?

I have a personal opinion regarding the H1N1 which I will not share. I sure hope this thing goes away as fast as it came or at least we figure out why it's infecting some people so severely.

My Lil man has his own opinions too. Obviously they have been hearing about this at school and home. I wash my hands enough times during the day and he knows the routine now, wash hands as often as possible. Sometimes when he wants to make me happy he will wash his hands and let me know that he did. This is a huge improvement from his previous behaviour. He once came up with a clever way of not washing his hands after peeing....use a piece of toilet paper to hold his peepee/weanie so no touch, no reason to wash hands, just as if he never peed at all. LOL. It was ingenious and a mighty grand scheme but no points were gained. I think he still does it in my absence...but I digress. The important thing is he knows that hand washing is important and H1N1 is serious.

So this evening, I was writing some words on his dry erase board when he stopped and seriously stated that we needed some lysol wipes. I asked him why. Guess what the reply was.."Because I do not want to get H1N1 from the BOARD and lysol kills H1N1".

ME: I don't think the board would give you H1N1 unless one of us gave it to the board.
LIL MAN: Yes it would, it can get H1N1 from the air or something and we need to wipe it so we don't get it from the board.
*BLINK* If his opinion is right, we have the flu virus hanging out in our house waiting to infect anything, even the blackboard. We may need a lot of lysol by lil man's reckoning.

I think I will stick to a great diet and Vitamin C on this issue... lysol wiping may not be such a bad idea either. The things that six year olds say. I will miss this age.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

starches of our life

My lil man, all of six years old has issues with food. Yesterday I had to make a starch and being the great and understanding mom, I gave him a choice, rice or ugali. Kids like rice, it’s plain and looks interesting, well most kids except this one. He was almost throwing a fit when I mentioned it. Now I have known this for a while but I asked him yesterday why he doesn’t like rice. The reply “It’s too small and it gets stuck I my teeth”. LOL and ugali, that is a given, he doesn’t like it because it’s Kenyan…even though he eats it when I make it. He likes ugali but will never admit it and good for him because I will never stop making it.

In the spirit of this food exchange, I asked him what he likes to eat and he asked if I could make porridge, he loves porridge. You know that gooey thick mix of amaranthus, millet, oats, rye, maize…yes that one. He doesn’t yet know what’s in it but that’s good for everyone because it’s probably healthier than all those starches combined. I didn’t make porridge for dinner, but I promised to make it for breakfast.

I still lost on the dinner issue since he remembered some left over spaghetti with sausage from the day before and happily ate away. That is all I could ask for, I suppose, my six year old happily eating away. We did make porridge this morning, a good hearty bowl. Now I know why he likes it so much, he gets to put a lot of sugar in it (like I do). I guess you win some you lose some, it’s a great morning!

Monday, October 26, 2009

God is good all the time

A totally unexpected happening today, I got an email that I received a scholarship at school for $1000 credited to my account....Whaaat? God works in miraculous ways. God is faithful even when we fall short (previous post).God is good all the time.

Self assessment and the need for wisdom

I’m on a journey, to clean up my act, because I’m called to live for and at a higher standard. Funny, how it is so easy to live your life so selfishly without thinking about consequences, purpose and goals. It’s easy for me to wake up in the morning, drop my lil man off at school, run to work, do some work, check email some, get stressed some, pick my son up, dinner, some TV and then do it all over again the next day. Busy, too busy to exercise, to read the Bible, to call up some friends…and lately I’ve been caught up in that cycle. Once you start going down that road, it’s a domino effect, it triggers a series of other bad decisions. That was where I found myself this past weekend, on that road to nowhere, cruising and going through the motions, the road where everything just seems blurry, doing things for no rhyme or reason.

I was having a good time, it was a party, I had some wine I didn’t like, I had a strong drink I didn’t like but heck everyone was doing it, and it was Saturday, why not? Someone said something I didn’t like, pretty disgusting with a sexual connotation to it, I didn’t get mad, I just dismissed it, someone crossed the line, I dismissed that too, I stayed out late, slept in, missed church, watched the game….catch my drift? Sigh… it saddens me.

So I’m doing an assessment of what I would have done differently….I don’t like drinking 99% of alcohol drinks because they just taste nasty, so why in the heck was I drinking that strong, nasty tequila something just to have a drink in hand? I don’t mind a drink every now and then either, in good company and if it tastes good. Tea works just as great for me. In this company, I should have had the guts to say “NO” multiple times. No to the nasty drink, No to the nasty comment and No to boundaries crossed, No to any more time spent recklessly, No to bad company…period. I was soo saddened by myself thinking about it retrospectively. I need people in my life who have the same values, respect for each other, sensitive to the world around them, supportive of other ideas that do not involve the self, involved in service. Isn’t this the environment in which I should be spending most of my time, if I want to grow?

I saw a book with the title “Too busy Not to pray”, I think this says it well. I prayed and read the Bible this morning; I think that’s a start. I have to be accountable for the time I spend on this earth. I don’t want God to ask me wssup and I realize that I was completely self absorbed. I want my life to be meaningful. So I asked God for forgiveness, courage and wisdom…mostly wisdom, I think I need a good dose of that. Thank Heavens for a God who does not condemn but loves us despite ourselves.

Sunday, October 11, 2009

WHY

Why I’m I sinking all over again
Why I’m I crying all over again
Why do I have to go through this pain
Why the never-ending state of insane
Why is there no one to dry my tears
Why can’t I have an answer to my prayers
Why can’t I seem to ever get some peace
Why won’t all this madness cease
Why this loneliness Lord, please take it away
And in its place some courage for this day

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Is it fall already?

Yay!!! I'm in school...again, and I have to write not for fun but serious structured stuff. Not sure how well this will go down, but so far the stuff is interesting. Actually I'm understating it because I'm thoroughly in a not so surprising way enjoying school, I love learning about health etc and I feel like I'm in the right field. The work is another story especially taking Biostatistics and having to solve endless problems and derive equations....yuck, not really my strongest area. Actually I should be solving some of those now but I'm procrastinating since I kinda got lost in the class today and dreading having to go over all the unsolved x's and functions.

But I'm so thankful to God for how far I have come. I have to constantly remember to be thankful for what I have and not what I do not have or have not accomplished. After watching the Whitney Houston interview with Oprah two days in a row...and dang I'm suffering serious sleep deprivation for this, but I digress. She went through some rough stuff and Oprah was asking if she regrets..her answer was NO. I truly feel her on that. I have been through some crazy and mindblowing drama but somehow each of those experiences put in me something I know I would not possess by any other process. God has a way of doing things with us when we least expect it. I certainly don't wish my ish on anyone else so I'm asking God to help me be a good listener and be responsive to what he wants me to do. I've been making more compromises than I would want and doing things that I don't want to do and slacking on those I need to be doing. I want God to make me into the woman that he wants me to be and more than wanting, I feel God calling me to be the woman that he needs me to be, so I need to step it up and stop slacking.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

A sigh and an Amen

It seems nowadays that the only time I write is when I'm incredibly stressed out or something is going wrong. Well, Yes, I have a few things that need fixing. Before this very last straw I was overwhelmed with the work at school having my first classes, helping my son with homework, work etc. But yesterday, I had steam coming out of my ears when the after-school coordinator sent a note that I no longer had a spot since I did not make my payment on time.

Now, prior conversations with the principal had pointed out that there was a new system of after care since there were not enough spots and that we would receive information moving foward. The information that I got was that the 'informational' meeting was today but my son was kicked out yesterday for non-payment? Where do these people come from? I usually comb my son's folder of information as soon as he gets home from school. I did not have a single sheet of paper pointing out the fact that payment was due or what new system was in place but 'sorry, you have been put on the waiting list' is the response I'm getting from the school administration.
This is a load of crap and I'm pissed to the max. I'm so pissed I'm barely functional until I get this resolved.

Even my school work momentarily paled in comparison to this very minute yet important issue in my life.

I'm soo pissed because I know how unreasonable the principal can get, I dealt with this in an earlier post.

I'm trying to calm down and figure out what the best remedy is. Even in my anger, I have been praying, because some things can only be resolved by prayer and I'm so devoid of strength and mental energy right now that I need GOD to fight this one for me. Please Lord Jesus, I'm praying for a miracle for this seemingly small thing. I'm asking that as I speak to the principal, you will have already fought this one out for me today. Help me to be patient and rely on you for strength for today and tomorrow. Amen

Sunday, August 9, 2009

this headache

I have a headache and it's telling of what my life feels like right now. I'm overwhelmed by many decisions I have had to make recently and in just the past 24 hrs, I've gone from being a confident single mother to feeling like a failure and lacking a sense of direction. I can't even write, I will go to bed.
"You don't have to worry and don't you be afraid, joy comes in the morning, troubles may not last always, for there is a friend in Jesus, who will wipe your tears away and if your heart is broken, just lift your hands and say...I know that I can make it, with him I know I can stand, no matter what may come my way, my life is in his hands" Thank God for songs that make sense.

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Six is for Smart

We were driving from Target yesterday and my lil man kept whining about something being "badder and badder". We were both hungry and I knew we needed to get home and eat soon which would be the only way to squash the whine. I finally spoke and said " Honey, there is no such word as "badder" usually we say "worse" if something is getting "more bad". Didn't know how else to explain it. I wasn't prepared for this " Mommy you are not accepting that I speak different. I say badder and you need to accept the difference". Whaaaat! I just started laughing and he went on "Stop laughing Mommy, you need to be nice when people do things different and I speak different, I say badder". LOL. I wasn't gonna win this battle, but he got 10 points for standing up for himself. We'll tackle the english grammar at a later date. That made my day just thinking about it. That smart 6 yr old!

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

technologically challenged

We had to print a large document and I told someone at the office to print to the copy machine instead of the personal printers (they make too much noise...and the toner issue of course) and they thought it was the best invention they have seen....since sliced bread? I thought I was bad. LOL

Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Kwaheri ya Kuonana

There are times in your life that you meet someone or some people who will profoundly change you from the inside in. It's happened to me a few times, people who loved me and I loved them back, nurtured, taught, rebuked, laughed, tolerated, prayed with....then somehow we loose touch or I move or they move and that relationship is not as vibrant as it was.

I just did the goodbye thing to a family that means a lot to me. I'm totally heartbroken, and I don't cry easy but I did today, because they are just that cool, supportive, loving, intentional christians. What a blessing it has been to spend time with them. I wish I had come out of my cocoon earlier and experienced more of those cherised moments. I wish I had opened myself up more instead of being 'busy'. In the most amazing way God put them in our life and we created an effortless friendship. I hold on to dear friends being that I'm so far from home; my friends mean the world to me.

Kwaheri ya kuonana means "goodbye, I will see you again". It's just to a different city, probably 8 hours away if I were courageous enough or an hour on Southwest should the ding be favorable. This season of life has changed and I'm grateful for the gift of friendship. I'm still heartbroken.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

RIP Uncle

I got the dreaded call from my aunt. My uncle is no more, the cancer won. I feel like someone just put me in space and I'm floating, just floating going nowhere. I'm trying to feel what my aunt and my cousins are feeling right now; the pain of losing her husband, their dad, my uncle. I don't know what or how to, just like the rest of me, my mind is floating, not really fixed on anything.

I'm crying because it hurts. It hurts that he's gone, it hurts that I'm not there with my family, it hurts that I'm all alone in my apartment. I have to wake up tomorrow morning and go to work as 'usual'.

God I don't know how to deal with this one and I don't even know what to say to my aunt or cousins. I just texted them because there is nothing I could say that would make this better. Lord just take care of this one for me. I surrender. Thank you for the wonderful memories of my uncle. RIP uncle. I will miss you dearly.

some audacity......

The phone rings, and the conversation goes, let's call him Mr X.

Mr. X: Lil man asked me if I was coming to his graduation party this Sunday, so of course I'm calling because I did not have any idea about it...so what is this about?

Silence.

Me: We'll, I don't know what to say, but a friend of mine thought it would be great to have a party for the graduating class and she's hosting it at her house.

Mr. X: We're you going to tell me about this? I have a gift for lil man I can drop it off at the party on Sunday.

Me: It's not really an open invitation, and certainly not a school function. I should probably have mentioned the get together but not at the top of my mind this week.

Mr. X: Lil man is getting caught up in a situation here. It's about what he wants not what you want. I don't see the problem here. You need to put aside your differences......bla bla bla lecture for 5 minutes. I'm I making sense?

Me(thinking and screaming in my head): SENSE! This conversation lacks sense from every angle.

Me(calm): I can put aside my differences for lil man. This is by no means a school function, just a couple friends getting together to celebrate their kids. We don't even do birthdays together so I'm not getting it. You can drop the gift off at my house but the party is off limits.

Bla bla lecture reminiscent of days I would like to forget goes on for 5 more minutes, threatening to show up at the party, I'm the unreasonable parent etc. This is the conversation I had this past weekend and one I will probably have for a good number of years to come. These types of days make me really really sad, deep down and they throw me back to those miserable times, falling into that dark abyss, but just for a minute or the minutes...and I'm upset that I didn't hang up earlier

Sigh.

I promised to stop asking the questions to which there will be no answers but they are still there. What in the world makes someone think that they can treat you like shit, make your life miserable, threaten, misuse, abuse, and then they have the audacity to pout that they don't get invited to YOUR party citing parental involvement? What nerve, what narcissim, what sickness, what madness?

There are days like these why I wonder why God let me go through this and I start to wish I could re-do my life. Then there are the wonderful moments when I reflect on how much I have gained from the terrible experience, and in no way else would I be the person I am now without having gone through this. Thank God that the audacity of hope and faith and love are much greater. A painful circumstance in our life has no power except that which we give it. Just like Jesus who was constantly bombarded with issues from men and women who had the audacity to discredit the son of God himself! When I'm overwhelmed by all the craziness in the world...or of that in my own little world, I'm comforted by Jesus' life and the fact that I have someone to go to who understands. Therein lies my audacity; in Christ alone.

Hebrews 13:6 So we say with confidence, the Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?"

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

WWJD

Today at work I really need to be beside Jesus because there is a potential for me to get very nasty. I’m not usually the confrontational kind, in fact I rarely find the need to engage people who don’t make a lot of sense and want to create a situation out of nothing. But this woman at work has pushed every imaginable button and just when I think that we are done, she comes up with something more annoying. I am surprised how she can keep outdoing herself on being a total B*. Yes, I said it because no other word comes to mind.

She is not really a coworker…thankfully..but I have to see her every 6 weeks or so to work on a 5 year project..yes, 5 whole years!! Sigh. Being who she is, she has found time to be here 3 times in the last 4 weeks claiming to work on this project….arrrghh. From talking to her, she prefers working in our office because it saves her a 2 hour commute so she’s taken to torturing us so for this reason. Her presence is enough to make me want to take up Yoga seriously because I usually have to count to ten and take a deep breath before I can deal with her.

We never had a good beginning. She came in as a replacement for someone else, and trained with her manager for a while. Between the two of them, I don’t know who is feeding evil to whom. She was trying to prove something(to her boss) at first and so I let it slide. Every time she looked at something in the books that didn’t make sense she would launch into full attack mode immediately assuming that I had messed up and I would somehow end up on the defense even on issues that I didn’t need to be defending. Now it’s developed to the point where she is nitpicking on everything and driving ALL of us in the office crazy. As of 10 am this morning she has consulted me 3 times and all so unnecessary. One of them was that she needed to be shown how to make a double sided copy. She has been here a couple times making copies and double sided copies are not rocket science seeing that we have a copy machine with diagrams and all. So I left my important work cursing under my breath to show her to press the button that couldn’t be more self-explanatory. Talk about putting me in a bad mood and I have a whole day ahead of me! Even worse it’s taking a jab at all the great community virtues that I gassed up on over the weekend retreat.

My goal today is to put my Christian mode on full alert- as I should be all the time. I’m praying that I can be loving, patient and Christ like…like WWJD kind of thing. Really what would Jesus do in a situation like this?

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

May your will be done

Today I received a phone call from my aunt whom I haven't spoken to in a while. My aunt and uncle live in the suburbs of Philadelphia. I was in Philly couple months ago and tried to figure out where they lived last minute and somehow it didn't work out. My uncle finished his ministry degree last summer and was headed back to Kenya when he fell ill. I have known my uncle has been sick for a while now..something with his bladder I was told, and he was receiving medical care.

See this wasn't just any type of phone call, it was my aunt letting me know that my uncle is probably going to die. He was diagnosed with bladder cancer and has been in treatment on and off. Two hours before my aunt called, the doctor had let them know that the tumors had spread to his brain.

How can you have a normal conversation under such circumstances? The conversation with my aunt was borderline mechanical with me fighting to be present enough to embrace the reality of what she was saying. I was going down a list of whys in my head. I was filled with so much guilt. I had been planning on calling them since the beginning of the year and could possibly have visited with them two months ago. Now my uncle is lying in the hospital unable to eat, speak or do anything for himself. My aunt was strong, she said that they were waiting on God. I tried to find all the right words to say, we spoke about my son as diversion and how grown he is. I said that I was sorry, for not calling, so sorry for not being there, sorry for all the heartache she is going through.

I kept myself from crying and pushed the emotions back to where they are tucked deep inside. What I'm holding back is deeper than just my uncle. If I start crying I will have to cry for my grandmother, for my cousin, for my aunt, all the people in my family I have lost while I'm this far away. All those that I'm yet to mourn, those that I somehow keep alive in my memories and it makes it as if they are not really gone. I have a coping mechanism, call it denial or what you may but it works. It has helped me get over the most extreme of my circumstances in this land of lonely. So for now I will not cry. I want to remember my uncle as the teacher, the gentle soul, balding head, gap in his smile, house on the edge of Nakuru town.

He is not in any pain and he seems at peace according to my aunt. I'm so grateful I got to speak with my aunt today. I however regret that I was lacking in the comfort she may need right now. I know God can work miracles, should we be praying for healing? At what point do we accept death as reality? I told her that we will pray for God's will and that is what I'm doing today. Even though I don't know what to pray for, it's comforting that I can surrender it to God and ask for his will to be done.

Sunday, June 7, 2009

I am weak but He is strong

God's unique way of moving and stirring people up for his own glory continually amazes me and I am really overwhelmed by the events of this weekend at the church retreat. My heart had been in a prayerful mode and I was very much expecting from God. I was really humbled by the opportunity to share something and in a way only God could make possible. Those sincere thoughts put on paper to express the deepest of emotions and the desire to connect with the church community could very well have been written by anyone in the congregation.

1 Cor 1:27 "But God chose the foolish things of the world that he might put to shame them that are wise; and God chose the weak things of the world that he might put to shame the things that are strong".

Something that I thought was an emotional rant delivered by the most unlikely speaker, me, and yet when I read those thoughts I knew it was beyond me, that God had prepared this moment and ordained it for his people. God was abundant in that room of expectant hearts and minds. The thought of me sharing at a gathering like this unimaginable to me from every level, because I do not feel worthy of it, I'm afraid to speak in front of people and I certainly do not feel like a qualified christian, yet weak as I am, God let me know that I'm ok. That I can come into his presence and in the presence of his people just as I am for his own glory.

I'm so grateful for the leadership and friendship that pushes to create the best in us and in what God has planned.

Lord let this desire to pursue you only climb to greater heights. Let the community that you have created thrive and continue to grow all for your glory.

Thursday, June 4, 2009

No Worries


"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus".
Phillipians 4:6-7
Going to be at a church retreat this weekend. I can't wait! I miss the outdoors, the sun, forests, water bodies, uniterrupted landscape. Hopefully will be a great time to unwind, pray and rejuvinate. Lots going on, my uncle is seriously ill with bladder cancer and chemo has really taken a toll on him...I'm in denial. I want to have great memories of my uncle whom I visited over my school breaks. I will have to keep Phillippians 4 in my mind. God please take away the pain that Uncle has, give him peace, heal him, let your will be done.

Monday, June 1, 2009

State of Mind, Matter of the Heart

A bit of confusion, a bit of sadness
Why does it not make sense?
A bit apprehensive, about this madness
Trying to be simple but I end up tense
It was all supposed to be so harmless
But now I'm caught up so dense
my heart just wants some tenderness
should there be an expense
to that which leaves me breathless
with emotions so intense
at times searching in darkness
for a remedy to this nonsense
so called love, oh my goodness!

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Replay

The event usually develops as I throw the ball to my son and it probably hits the fence and does a 'cool' bounce. My son will then proceed to reenact what he the ball did totally like a replay. This has been going on for a couple months or at least the past year..time flies. When something good or cool happens, he wants it to repeat. Sometime its fun since it makes it predictable what he wants to do...like he loves it when sit on the stairs outside on a nice day and eat icecream or as I 'make him laugh'.... but other times it like 'ok already!' as he reenacts how the ball moved and bounced for the 10th time!

This just has to make you love kids. So for the past couple of months when its warm outside we come home and quickly change, then go outside and kick the ball to each other until we are tired or hungry. Most of the times we come up with something cool to do with a ball that we hadn't done before or to change things up we use different balls. I love it.

Aren't we all like kids, wishing the good things would keep repeating themselves? As I've been going through my twenties, those good things seem few and far in between. I sometimes sit and think of all the good things and I'm content but sometimes I wish opportunities that I ignored would reappear and thus my replay is skewed from that which my son enjoys because half the time is spent in regret of things I did or didn't do and wish I could change.

What if I didn't move from NYC, what if I didn't get married, what if I had really applied to Med school, what if I had moved to TX for school? I'm really trying to get better at my replay so I'm not consumed with what ifs, woulda coulda shoulda. Because I probably wouldn't have the friends I have here, the peace of mind...lets face it NYC was expensive, the career, the boyfriend. I'm praying for God to help me appreciate all the good things that have happened in my life and move on from here. I have so much potential and so much I would like to accomplish and more importantly be rooted in that God has a plan for my life and I'm not just sailing in the wind.
Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans that I have for you, declares the Lord, Plans to prosper and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Is this criminal?

Yes, I'm a self-confessed 'Criminal Minds' addict or any criminal show for that matter. This year I chose to minimize my exposure by watching one or two a week and its been a very worth hour of my time on Wednesday....and today's TWO hour show was so totally off the hook!! That show is genius, at least the writing is. They just have a way of explaining a criminal's mind, keeping you engaged and the philosophical quotes at the beginning and end..not to mention the medical mysteries..totally love the Doc in this show and Sherman Moore is totally representing!
I had to run some errands today and I was way out at 7.30pm when I realized that I might miss this show and stopped what I was doing to drive home, grocery shopping can wait!

Now that I've had my TV 'high' for the week, its time for me to confess, I wish this was something spectacular that I was so excited about. I wish I was feeling good about making someones day better, helping someone, praying for someone, praying for myself, reading the bible for an hour... sigh. It feels a bit criminal to get so excited about a show but for now it makes Wednesday nights great.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Organically Speaking

I am one of those people who if not busy freak out that there is something they should be doing. The workload in the office has been up and down lately and when its down, it gets me down. I cannot seem to get through even the little that there is. I'm not good at taking advantage of this time either...reading books, watching or youtubing (come to think of it I could have watched the Amazing Race episodes that I missed), I just have a very active conscience. I want to do work when I'm at work. I want to advance, learn more, gain more knowledge, heck get paid more. For that reason, I believe that if there is no work to be done, I should just stay at home and find something more meaningful to do with my time as I see fit instead of being confined to the office.

So I'm in that zone where I wonder if this is the right fit for me. Granted I'm going to be very busy in a couple weeks, but in the now, I'm feeling like I'm wasting precious time. I have tried to be as productive on the homefront, picking my son up early from school so we can have more time together but this does not eliminate my need for a challenge. I need to be solving some global problems somewhere, creating health programs that work, educating people on their health, helping provide access, monitoring research and creating effective patient flow in hospitals. and I will once I'm done with this degree in 3 years..sigh. I'm wondering how I can push myself to get it done sooner.

I have also been thinking that God created this time for me on purpose. Because I'm very prone to being very busy and driven that I can forget to pray, read the Bible and just plain out listen to him. So I have been talking to God and searching him a lot in this time period. I even listen to Moody radio...which I had quit for while which is a whole other post. I feel the need to fill my time meditating. Being that I'm Christian I should have been doing these things all along but I dropped the ball somewhere and was just getting by with Sunday morning services.

I came across the blog of a surgeon http://heal-thyself.blogspot.com/ volunteering at my local hospital back home. I'm awed not only by the stories, his commitment but also God's way of using us when we show up for what he needs us to do. He didn't have to do this, he could be making tons of money in the US but he felt the need and trusted God to provide (yes he had to raise $ to support this cause) because it was the only thing to do. While this makes me want to be a surgeon solving complex medical problems, I know God has something in store for ME and he needs me to show up. So I'm listening and searching, going back to the basics being organic in my pursuit of God.

Organic has numerous meanings, 'natural', 'associated with living organisms', 'constitutional in the structure of something'.

I was browsing the web I ran into a quote from Margaret Feinbergs "The Organic God" which sums it all up.

“But as I practice the art of listening to God, I am discovering that He is surprisingly talkative even in the silence. Prayers are not going unanswered as much as He is responding in unexpected ways. Listening to God’s voice requires more than just my ears; it requires my eyes, my mind, my spirit, my entire being to recognize the God-nudges in life. His voice is found in the wisdom of friends and spiritual leaders. He whispers through dreams and visions and abundant provision. He speaks through both conscience and conviction and an undeniable sense that some thoughts are more like God-thoughts than my own. He even speaks in the silence. In the process, I find myself both enticed and intrigued by Him. I find myself hanging on every word. God’s voice becomes the only voice I want to hear.”

Sunday, May 10, 2009

Mothers Day

We were playing catch today and my son randomly told me that I was the best Mom that he has ever had... He went on to say that I make him laugh and he likes that. I wanted to cry because that was soo sweet. I forgot about all the hard mom days today, what a gift it is to be a mother. I'm so blessed!

Thursday, May 7, 2009

service

I woke up extra early this morning. I was going to drive 4 kids to school including mine and I didn't want to be the one lagging behind. However insignificant that action is, it made me feel like I'm part of something larger. I get so consumed with my life and my son's all week and it was great to be of service to my friend when she needed it. It made me feel like my week was useful because I did something of benefit outside of myself.

Imagine how enriched my life would be if I would seek out more opportunities to serve-my friends and community in Chicago. Then I would never really have time to 'mourn' about all that is lacking in my life. Sure I would prefer to be serving at home where needs are many, with my family close by, but this is where God has put me right now. I need to get with the program.

The best way to find yourself is to loose yourself in the service of others. Mahatma Gandhi

This is the day that the Lord has made, let us rejoice and be glad in it. Psalm 118:24

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

trusting

When I started this blog, it was a place of healing that was important for me to make sense of who I was and where I was going. I've now realized how therapeutic writing is to me and when I'm feeling overwhelmed, happy, sad etc I write; on a word document, journal and sometimes it makes it here. I've really grown as a person and most importantly, I clearly see God's imprint on my life and why he allowed me to go through some very difficult situations.

Alas I'm not done growing. Most recently I've just been sensing God letting me know that he has a plan for me that's bigger than I. It sounds weird but I feel God's nudging for me to 'wake' up and be an intentional christian, pursue him earnestly and have faith. I say wake up because lately I've been preoccupied with how 'I' can change my life. I switched jobs, going back to school and feeling good about myself for doing these things. God is telling me that it is not about me. It's about him and I need to put him first and everything else will come together.

God knows my passion for making a difference in people anyway I can through knowledge, science, healthcare. I'm struggling right now because even though I work in the clinical realm of things, I still feel like I'm not doing what I need to be doing. I'm trusting God that as I start this public health degree, that he will open the doors and windows that I need and may his will be done in that process. I'm taking up a global concentration, which means doing an internship abroad(Kenya of course!). I need God to work out the logistics of that experience since I'm still working full time. I have a dream to work globally not only in Kenya but especially in Kenya. There are just so many opportunities and needs to be met. I could probably start at home in the local community hospital that largely shaped my career path. I've also realized the opportunities to serve right here in Chicago and praying God that I do not get pre-occupied planning my exit that I miss what it is he wants me to do here.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him and he will make your paths straight. Proverbs 3:5

"God can't give us peace and happiness apart from himself because there is no such thing." C.S.Lewis

Monday, May 4, 2009

Random Monday

I've been kind of random lately.

I wish I didn't have to work today so I could sit in the sun. I love the sun, beats me why I live in Chicago.

I want to fly a kite, I discovered I could this past weekend and it was so much fun.

I discovered that some people in our church live on our street. I'm hoping they are the 'cool' neighbors who don't mind knocking on my door if they are walking past. I miss that.

I want to have a whole bunch of people in my house all the time because that makes me happy. If I could have a big family I would. That is how I grew up, there were always people in the house. If it wasn't my 3 siblings, there would be my cousins, aunts, neighbors, friends, friends of friends, people walking about who popped in, our househelp...the list is endless. If it ever happened that the house was empty and wanted company, you could walk into any of the above listed homes or compounds and have a good time.

Life is complicated.

My phone is sooo old and looks sooo dated. I don't care, I really don't so long as it works.

I'm too hard on myself. I'm slowly learning to let go.

Something that I was freaking out about (at work) just resolved miraculously. I should trust more, pray more and have faith that all things work out for good. Thank you Jesus!

I have the best boyfriend in the world. I think I'm extra hard on him as I continue to work on myself. I don't acknowledge his presence in my life as much as I should but he has been so supportive the last 1.5 years of our time together. I love him dearly.

My boss asked what I did this weekend and I replied " I flew a kite". LOL. She understands I have a child.

Friday, April 24, 2009

flying

I was flying again this week. For the past couple years, for some odd reason, I have become such a nervous wreck when I fly. I have vowed to practice my yoga breathing, having gone to one such class the night before. Being that the flight was to White Plains, NY made my anxiety even worse with chances that it would be a small jet, and sure enough. One of those where if you put both your arms straight out you could touch each window. I haven't flown in one of these since college and I surely don't remember it being this small. From my recent experience, the smaller the jets, the crazier the turbulence, or do I just make this up in my head? I had bought the "Essence Magazine". What better way to occupy my time than to read about Michelle Obama and her mom who are on the front cover? No it didn't work, my stomach 'dropped' during takeoff and I nervously clutched the armrest while pretending that I was perfectly ok. I kept reading nonetheless.

Once we were way up, I kept thinking about what I would do if something went wrong with the plane. Of all things to think about! Either my head is playing games or I'm playing games with myself. I checked the nearby exit again, had paid attention to the emergency exit instructions. I started to think about my son, thinking this is why people make wills, because I don't want any of my money to go to the government, then I started to think about my faith and wondering if I was losing the point of all of this. The reality is that I am a control freak and up here I feel totally powerless. But it may just be that I'm unwilling to surrender, not just when I fly but to the things in my life, to give them to God because that is all I can do.

I moved into my plan of action which was to take deep breaths. It worked for sometime because my stomach stopped tightening. I started to read my book and everything seemed normal for the most part of the journey until the last 20 or so minutes of descent. We were flying over a body of water and for some reason the ride became extra 'bumpy'. I could swear the pilot was having a bit of fun because this jet was tilting from side to side and all the calm went out the window..or somewhere in the the plane far from me because I started to tighten up again and think too much ...."What were those passengers who landed on the Hudson thinking as the pilot told them that they would be going down? Would be ok to take my purse with me in an evacuation? Bizarre I know, but replacing all those items in there...lets start with the Drivers License...DMV hello? Who wants to go there. Damn it, I should have only carried one credit card and not three. Thank God I did not carry my Green Card, because that would be the biggest pain.My glasses, I love those rims and don't want to have to pick out another design. My toiletries are so special, don't want to replace those. I think I can get away with carrying my phone. But then again it would give me an excuse to get that blackberry. How could I forget, I would absolutely positively have to carry my keys. I have my whole set of keys including the only key to my car. Yes, I would only carry my purse. I would have to leave the carry on. My favorite pair of shoes in there. Oh gosh, I'm so vain!" Yes for a split second I thought all that and amused myself somewhat. I prayed again. This time I confessed my anxiety as hinderance to my faith and realized that this is not something I only do up in the air, but some habit bourne out of desperately trying to control my situation, career, parenting, love life. I really prayed that God would help me identify these situations when they arise, to nip it in the bud, not letting it spiral into some tornado.

The flight back followed the same scenario somewhat but even more turbulent so I prayed, read and tried to sleep. I really needed to use the bathroom in the last stretch of the flight and it happened to be when it became most turbulent and the seat-belt sign came on. I figured I would dash in real quick to the stall. It was a total balancing act in the bathroom and kind of funny when I stopped thinking that I was in a plane. It was like being on those kid bounce things where you get thrown side to side. For some reason thinking about it this way, and actually laughing it out eliminated my anxiety...totally. I balanced back to my seat and we landed safe and sound. I hope I'm 'cured' but I won't know until next time.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

This weekend was a reminder of how fragile and short life is. To live to the fullest, love to the fullest while we can.

I lost my aunt this past weekend. But she was more than just my aunt, she was the mother of all, being married to the oldest sibling from my dad's side of the family. Even though I never spent much time taking or listening to her in my growing up years, I surprisingly had more of a connection in the last 10 years when I have been away from home. She was supportive of my decision to end my marriage, which came as a surprise to me, because she listened to me, asked for my opinions and then let me know that everything was going to be ok. That was four years ago. I saw her last in December during her son's wedding. She had been so busy planning I barely got time to visit with her. I had plans work with her when I finally return home, in the health clinic that they started, but I never mentioned it. I will remember her as a strong woman who held her family together despite many obstacles. They were married 50 years.

I didn't cry because for some reason I couldn't. Later in the day my sister sent me a text saying that my parents and brother had been involved in an accident. From her words I could tell she was trying to keep it calm so I do not panic. It worked for a couple of hours, again in denial mode. During bedtime, I told my son that we would pray for my brother because he had been injured in an accident. He surprised me by busting into tears that his uncle was hurt. He is only 6 and I felt bad that maybe I hadn't communicated it in child-appropriated language.

That is when it hit me and I cried. I hadn't cried in a long time so I cried all the tears from missing my parents, to being overwhelmed with work and now school to the anxiety from what I did not know. I called home and my mother assured me that God had been all that in that accident. No one was hurt except for my brother who injured his nose but was treated and discharged. Considering it was a head on collision, God is great.

Thank you God for reminding me of your grace, power, love in this difficult moment.

Friday, March 27, 2009

Days like these..

I miss home and that is an understatement. There are many times in my stay far away when it hurts at how far I am. Days like today I just want someone else to take over. I don't want to be it anymore, I would just like someone else to make the decisions, worry about my son's school, health, someone else to worry about my car, my school. Some days like these I don't want to be grown up. I wish I could pack up all my shit and move into my parents home for a couple months and not have to think literally.
I'm not depressed, I've been there, maybe lonely and a bit overwhelmed by my life. This is a paradox because my life is going relatively well. I've just been accepted into my master's program, got financial aid, my son is in a great school, I have a man who loves and supports me. Then there is the everyday stuff, like my car maintenance light comes on and I know I need to make an appointment to get it checked, and I worry it might be more than an oil change. My son has a cavity and needs it filled and I have to find a good pediatric dentist and decide the appropriate meds during the procedure, nitrous oxide, local anesthesia, not to mention the cost, argh, it hurts my head thinking about it. Then there is school, which I'm excited about but I have to pick classes, decide how many to take, go for orientation...How about the upcoming springbreak, what are we going to do to make it fun? I wanted to travel but tickets are too dang expensive. Some days I wish I didn't have so many decisions resting on me, I need a way to outsource...lol. Maybe I just a good cup of tea and mandazi and life will be good again with lots of company, with my family..oh I miss them.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Happy New Year to me!

I cannot believe it's already end of January. I haven't blogged about my life, I guess it's easier to write when things are going wrong? I have had so many things going on in my head that I want to put down..my life has been so awesome, so blessed that I'm overwhelmed.

After being so anxious about not being able to go home for Christmas, it happened, God is soo good. I didn't have the money for it in August and I was depressed but God had it planned and it happened.

I loved loved every waking moment I spent at home. My parents, two brothers and sister were home on almost daily basis and I basked in that space, I felt so safe, so content. I was content on waking up to the sun, eating and having just regular conversation. So long as the people I loved were around me, I was fine. Did I say I love being home, life is so carefree, something that my son discovered. He could walk to the neighbor's house unattended, play for a while, walk to my aunts house, take a walk with his uncle. He was no longer solely dependent on me. He had a family, literally a village to spend time with. Sometimes I wonder if I missed this...the opportunity to give him that simplicity of life. I think about it often, but then that might have meant being away from him. I don't know. I know he loved it there and cried hard when we had to leave. Now it's just me and him and sometimes we get tired of each other.

My siblings have matured, they have lives of their own, they are such good 'kids' and I'm so proud of them. I wish I could see them everyday, really. My parents still the same, I may disagree with them on some issues but I love then dearly. They are loving, compassionate and spend a great deal of time and money helping other people. I love that about them.

I'm back to work, I really like this place, it really is very nurturing and I work with some phenomenal people. My bosses are great. When I work, I give it 110% like it's my business. I think that is how it should be.I'm in a great relationship, I feel more than I even want to reveal to myself.

I threw my son a great bowling party, he turned 6. My friends spoiled him rotten. He knows he's loved.

I'm blessed, so blessed I could write a book about it. I'm grateful and I'm looking for ways to pass it forward.