Thursday, April 26, 2007

being proactive

I'm on a quest to find new things, new inspiration, go down the list of things I've always wanted to do. Can't keep doing the same ol stuff and complain that life sucks. Something's gotta change. I'm being super proactive! So this week its painting and yoga.

I met Leah, a phenomenal artist and person couple months back. I’m glad I conveyed my interest in art and she volunteered to show me a thing or two. So I took a watercolors painting lesson yesterday. I’ve never been so crazy excited about something like this! My dad is a gifted artist who at the beginning of his career was a graphic designer but as life happened art took a major back seat. We always tried to get him going again but he was too busy making a living so we could have. I feel a bit of the gene, I love drawing and like playing with color. I’ve always been fascinated by landscapes and whenever I’m bored at meetings I make drawings. So I’m exploring the possibilities.

Last night we sat at a table and we each had a landscape for inspiration. There is something magical about putting paint on paper and letting the painting take a life of its own. It was not bad for an amateur. I carried my unfinished painting and my friend is letting me use her professional brushes and quality paper!

I’m excited because this is something I can do with my son. He was the motivation to seek out painting as something that we could do together as we deal with the craziness of this life. I might actually start spending more time at home now.

Proactive move number 2 was that I spoke to a co-worker who takes yoga and she recommended her classes and even offered me a free pass! So on Sato, it's yoga. I took couple classes eons ago and liked it so I'm psyched. I feel good already.

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

I've never liked Mondays

I had a fabulous weekend; I mean the most perfect weather but come Monday morning I was feeling like crap. Honestly I don’t even know how I survived at work. Usually when I feel this horrible I make an attempt to cover it up by dressing up just so I can feel just a little better. Yesterday, I didn’t even bother. So I looked like crap and felt exactly that way. Have you ever just felt like you were backsliding so to speak; you were taking great leaps in a positive direction then something happens and you are spiraling back to square one? This was me on Sunday night and all of Monday.

I feel like I have made met significant milestones in terms of personal growth but this whole divorce is taking a major toll on me. I thought were done but more adjustments had to be made and more talk about the past and all the ugliness starts to resurface. I made contact and yelled, got pissed off, mad and angry all at the same time. I’m mad at all the unfairness in this world. I’m even sadder that I’m at the receiving end of it.

Then I started going through all my decisions doubting myself and beating myself up for having ended up here. But I am mostly mad at myself up for listening to someone and letting them make me feel so small and so dumb, not in the past but two days ago!! I should know better! Why did I give them so much power to ruin my sleep and my day? I was so disgusted. I kept bursting out in tears every time I thought about it. I called my mentor who listened to my ranting and even though I was looking for advice, I knew exactly what I needed to do. I opened the door to the madness and I needed to close it.

Sometimes you need to distance yourself and it doesn’t mean you haven’t forgiven. I have to let go of the dream that someone might change. I can only change my reaction. Then I have to be easy on myself. She reminded me that divorce is grieving a loss and I need to relieve myself off the idea that I should be all happy because I moved from an unhappy situation. I still lost something that I had thought very valuable, I lost a dream, some innocence and love I had for this person. It’s Tuesday and I feel a little better already. I haven’t cried, I stopped myself from doing stupid stuff to distract myself like shopping and calling old flames to make myself feel better. It was normal day today. Someone brought cake to work and it made me feel so much better, somehow.

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

TV...too much?

I think I finally ditched my addiction to TV as evidenced by withdrawing from ‘24’ a.k.a the best show on TV. It’s been a whole month since I watched 24 and yesterday was the first Monday that I did not think about Jack Bauer! It’s been good while it lasted giving my heart and nervous system a weekly workout with all that adrenaline.

I dumped cable in an effort to curb my TV watching so with cable went The Shield, Nip Tuck, The entire food network (oh dear my cooking has never been the same), What not to wear ( I hope my dressing skillz haven’t suffered), all the decorating shows on TLC and of course I gave up CNN, Jon Stewart, all the commentaries on FOX , money markets, ESPN (yes I love sports), discovery channel. Then there was Law and Order and The practice and I almost knew their lines by heart. Since I’m a mom I haven’t even included all the Disney, nickelodeon and cartoon network shows. Now that I’ve put it down on paper, I sure was spending a lotta time on the couch!

But even without cable, there has been plenty to occupy my time and so I’ve phased out these non-productive programs from my schedule: Desperate housewives was the first to go, then Grey’s anatomy has been so so lately. I still love my CSI but I don’t rush home to watch it like I used to. The only show that I’m sad when I miss is Criminal minds, how can I resist Shemar Moore being an FBI agent? I just seem to be drawn to these types of shows. I even violently resisted from being addicted to Shark. Dancing with the stars and American Idol I reserve because my girlfriends and I watch it for entertainment. I won’t reveal that I have peeked at Tyra’s show as well as the next pussy cat doll…now that Lil Kim is a judge on the show…LOL again now that no one has even answered why we need another doll. For some reason I have watched The Bachelor the past two weeks, and I’m still asking myself why. The Amazing Race continues to be the best reality show, but Sunday nights just haven’t been conducive. The King of Queens and Girlfriends are my favorite comedies, I have watched all, and I mean ALL the reruns of these shows.

I still love PBS documentaries and of course every now and then I make time for Oprah. But now that I have Netflix, I can chose the shows I want to watch when I want to watch them. (Sounds like I was doing a pitch for Netflix..lol) Plus I can get movies for my lil man only if I think they are worth it and sometimes I preview them first. So tonite, I hope Sanjaya is voted off or I'm boycotting American Idol. Then after that I will read a book (ideal) but most likely I will be caught up in some cleaning act around the house, oops Oprah is on, then call it a night.

Thursday, April 12, 2007

the pursuit of happiness

Can we really be happy regardless of who we are and where we are in life? Can a man or woman in debt and children to feed, struggling from paycheck to paycheck make a choice to be happy? Can a millionaire say in an honest voice that anyone can be happy if they choose to, I mean money would be a great contributor as to how happy they are right? I don’t really know the answer to these questions.

I know people who are struggling deeply who have a sense of satisfaction and optimism in life. I also know people with probably more in life than they really need but are somehow unhappy. I would think there are more wealthy happy people than there are poor happy people or is this just a myth? I think it depends on the environment and the culture but we cannot rule out that money does bring on some comfort level and reduces stress. I go back and forth on these issues when I think of my grandmother back home who did not have much but a farm and cows. She never really had money but was always generous with her time and whatever resources she had. Her environment did not really value money over health and a good social support. On the other hand, if I think about Kibera, I’m saddened by all those Kenyans who probably don’t have or even want much but I don’t think there are very many happy people in that slum. That is just my opinion.

Dr. Holden who appeared on Oprah’s show and researches happiness made a profound statement that when we have a positive view of life, then we subconsciously look for evidence to make that outlook true. So in essence both optimists and pessimists are true about life because it’s all about the attitude (not the benjamins). When you are positive, you are working towards finding positivity in all areas of your life because you believe it is attainable. So you surround yourself with positive people, take positive steps to resolve issues. A pessimist on the other hand believes that life is not all that good, so when and issue arises, they may take a less positive action toward resolving it.

I know from personal experience there was a time when my life was probably at its harshest yet I felt completely happy and whole and I could not explain it. Now, I think I could be happier with some extra adjustments but taking Dr. Holden’s advice, I need to ditch the ‘destination addiction’; that somehow I will be happier if I got to a particular point in life. The time to be happy is now!

Wednesday, April 4, 2007

this madness

I had a delayed response to the death of the Kenyan woman who was strangled by her husband and I’ve been trying to write about it. I wrote the response in Dorothy’s comment section (see blogs). One of my good friends knew her well and she is struggling to understand the why and how. Why didn’t she say anything and how could he have gone to that extreme?

The poem http://www.angelfire.com/ns/hollysplace/flowers.html was real for me the first time I read it.

As a survivor of domestic abuse, no words can express how I feel. I used to be ashamed of my experience but its amazing how that shaped me as a person and the phenomenal woman I am now and I never hesitate to share my story should anyone need any support or motivation.