Reminder

So do not throw away this confident trust in the Lord. Remember the great reward it brings you! Hebrews 10:35

When things are not going my way, it's hard not to jump into some self-pity. This verse reminds me that I serve the almighty God, to whom I'm called to obedience. I trust in his word and look forward to the plans he has for me, even though I can't see it now in the midst of it all.

matters of the heart

Facebook= face value≠ heart book

Ever wondered the significance of the name “Facebook”? Ok, maybe it’s just me, but I’m going to go there, I tend to be a deep thinker sometimes, actually more of an intentional thinker. When I’m presented with a situation that is puzzling or a problem I’m facing, rarely do I sit and mope about my state of life. My mind is thinking about solutions and possibilities. This proactive nature is good in most occasions but I also know it can be bad in situations that call for a reflective, do-not-do anything-yet moment. Hey, everyone has a hang-up and this one happens to both good and bad. 

As I was contemplating my relationship with Facebook (the account) and Facebook friends, I was wondering if all of this stuff that was in my face all day(pun intended) was really building me up or tearing me down. Sure, it’s wonderful to catch up with friends, see how their lives have blossomed, how they have transformed into happy looking people…or is it? Because truth be told, no one ever puts their bad side on Facebook, like the bad picture (unless accidentally tagged by a nemesis). We all put our best faces forward. We take pictures of ourselves that know look good and plug them in for the world to see. We take pictures when we vacation or in places that resemble a vacation, some of us it’s a posh place that we will only visit once in our lifetime. But it becomes like a trademark, and people oohh and ahhh over our good fortune, happy life, the fun and all those impeccably dressed and beautiful people we hang out with. 

We spend hours reading 2- liner wisdom of our friends and even more perusing through their pictures. This time that is supposedly spent “catching up” with our friends lives can morph into something deeper and ugly. We start to wonder how that classmate who partied all night in college is now a lawyer with a seemingly wonderful life. So and so, got married to a hot to-die-for man..How, in the world? Oh would you look at those beautiful kids, house, lawn, toned body. How did those people pass us on the social ladder? Suddenly it’s a comparison game between our “friends” and us. Deep down, further than face value, we want to know that we matter and that our lives have become or becoming something great. As much as we may be happy for our friends or Facebook family there are those who are ’not as great as we’ are yet they seem to be doing so much better, and that eats at our insecurities, worse yet, creates a whole layer of insecurity. This layer feeds of the face value of what we see in their posts, pictures, etc. As other people build more of their “great” life on Facebook, it can begin to eat at our esteem.  When we are doing well, of course it’s all good, even better if we seem like we are doing slightly better. It’s human nature. 

What Facebook does not show is some of the most important part of our beings, the heart. That is why it was not named heartbook. It does not show the struggle, the pain. It shows the night you were so well dressed in a group of people at a posh place, but it does not show how low you felt that night, surrounded by people yet alone and scared. It does not show our everyday struggle with a marriage, life, school, mortgage, unemployment and even employment. Some of us have jobs that we hate, so we escape to Facebook to find some happiness or to pass time at work. Some of us have empty homes, so after a long day at work, we sit on the couch and enjoy the company of Facebook. Some of us have such insecurities that we spend a great deal of time alone in the house taking Facebook appropriate pictures-by ourselves-to prove to the world that we are alright, deceiving ourselves-momentarily.

Facebook is just that; take it for its face value, a place to connect with those whom we otherwise wouldn’t. Don’t dwell on it or even make it a habit. Use it for what it is, not any more.  Heart to heart connections occur with people in our lives, when we strive to make community with real people, not those whom only faces are familiar to us. We need to get more friends to connect to our “heartbook”.

At the deepest level of it all, our heartbook is governed by God. Who gives us grace amidst all the things this life throws at us. Most importantly, he gives us unconditional love. He knows what is in our heart even before we post it or even acknowledge it. He knows when we are struggling in sin, when we are not at our best, tempted and even what our hearts strive for. We are more loved now that we can ever imagine, all we need to do is accept this love. 

Facebook is just that, a social connection. Let’s not lose sight of the important things in life. We spend more time on Facebook than we spend praying, volunteering or attending church, it’s a shame for me as a Christian to struggle with reading the Bible yet I peruse Facebook daily. Facebook takes not effort, just an internet connection but it creates a false sense of connection and takes away from truly taking the time to connect outside of technology. If you need to realign your priorities like me, get off Facebook. Take that time and make the most important connection of your life. It’s not Facebook. You can live without that, but you cannot live without a heart connection to and with God and with God’s people. So I’m taking a few weeks to reflect on my relationship with God and people by deactivating my account. Maybe I will call more people and invite more people over. I hope to spend more time reading the Bible and seeking ways to connect at my church.

Even good things when not properly managed can be detrimental and the very beginning of our destruction. So I’m beginning a heartbook with God. C. Lewis, one of my favorite authors said: “I pray because I can't help myself. I pray because I'm helpless. I pray because the need flows out of me all the time- waking and sleeping. It doesn't change God- it changes me.” I want God to change me. 

When I’m standing in line somewhere getting impatient, just as I usually reach for my phone to pass time on Facebook, I want to take back such moments and redirect them to connecting to God. I want to be able to meditate and think about things of God, to pray for grace to face the next thing that I need to accomplish. Because the proactive person in me is also impatient and that causes me say or do things I regret. If I spent my time waiting in line asking for grace, I might meet my neighbor, be kind to the check-out person and maybe even connect with someone beyond face value. See, intentional.  I thank God for that. I want to be so close to him that I can receive the wisdom and discernment that is necessary for the times that we are living in. I do not want to get caught up in things, fads, ideologies, political reasonings. I know that if I spend time on Facebook, I am bombarded with all of the happenings, causes and injustices prevalent in this world that leave me with more questions than I have answers. I’m plugging in my heart to God because ultimately, I want my faith to direct my responses. 

As C.S Lewis also said in describing the priority of prayer, “The moment you wake up each morning, all your wishes and hopes for the day rush at you like wild animals. And the first job each morning consists in shoving it all back; in listening to that other voice, taking that other point of view, letting that other, larger, stronger, quieter life come flowing in.”

I’m taking time off to reclaim my identity, correct my identify if you may to connect to the ultimate face and heart book, the one who loves me and will be there steadfast and true even when all of the things of this world inevitably evolve and pass. Don’t you want that too, some certainty? Then don’t pass up the opportunity to connect to the right source. Be intentional.

15 minutes

The other evening  my lil man got his tongue stuck in a water bottle..yep you heard that right, tongue stuck in a water bottle. We were happily winding the night away, he was ready to jump into bed when  he asked for a drink of water. He remembered that he left his water bottle in class so I asked him to grab a water bottle on the counter and get some water. So it turns out, he has this special relationship with this particular water bottle since the last time he used it, I had to yank his tongue out of the spout. He hasn’t used that particular water bottle since then but we didn’t think anything of it this time around. He got his water, I was busy on the phone and the next thing I know someone is wailing and hysterically waiving his arm. First I didn’t think that this was possible but given that he was crying real tears, it couldn’t be a prank. So I got off the phone, and switched into mommy mode with a big S on my chest. I had done this before, thanks to a can of cooking spray. Last time it only took a few sprays and his tongue slipped out. So I said a quick prayer that I had just restocked that cooking spray and I got into action. A few sprays then I asked him to wiggle his tongue out. Nothing. More hysterical crying. By now I was coaching him to breathe since the panicking was not working with whole situation. I was beginning to think ER and even told him to calm down or we would have to get a doctor-bad move-the panicking got worse with him motioning that he did not want them cutting his tongue out….lol.

Next step was to untwist the bottle to separate the top and bottom. Now this cap was on tight and considering I had been spraying oil all over the bottle…let’s say untwisting it was a project unto itself. He even stopped me halfway trying to use sign language and me hysterically guessing …just the thought of this process makes me laugh, it sounds so comical. So after not understanding the tongue-less words, I grabbed a pencil and piece of paper and asked him to write what he was trying to say. “It is going to hurt my tongue…and he drew what I later found out was the tongue with a curved arrow to signify that the twisting was going to hurt him. Good thing I didn’t quite understand, I just told him to calm down, wiped down the bottle and couple minutes later I just had someone’s tongue stuck in a large top. So I sprayed the magic stuff once more on the opposite end and was expecting the tongue to pop right out..nope, this ordeal was not over. How did he manage to stick HALF of his tongue down this thing? So I used my fingers, curling the tongue from the opposite end while pushing it out.  FINALLY. Approximately 15 minutes later. We hugged it out and he cried a good couple minutes-he was so traumatized and frankly speaking so was I!  10 minutes later, I was thinking about it and asked “ that was crazy right?” and he chuckled because looking back that was so crazy you just have to laugh. I told him the story of how my sister/brother (don’t remember which one) had once gotten bean stuck up their nose -one day he will talk about this story and laugh, heck I’m still laughing just thinking about it. The things that kids  boys do!

mother's day present

Lil man found me fixin’ my face right before church on mother's day and he said: “You look the same with make-up or without make-up, it doesn’t really make a difference”. Now, either my make-up skills are soo bad  (and they are) or my lil boy thinks his mama looks fine sans make-up. This was the best mother’s day comment. So I didn’t wear make-up to church, just made sure my lips weren’t cracked and all and we hit out. Awww. so sweet. He had made me a card, with three things he loves about me and drawn a picture of me. Coincidentally, this was the same weekend that I had just chopped my hair off, so I had short curly hair, while the drawing had long straight hair.  "Mommy can you go back to your normal hair". Then I looked at the card and understood that I had just messed up the whole card thing since I was wearing my hair different, lol. I love being a mom.

Not by works

I have so much to write, I don’t know where to start, I feel like my head is bubbling over with blog ideas and stuff that just needs to be on paper and not in my head. My life right now is a mix of emotions, I’m so happy, yet so sad at the same time. I’m have been going through a painful ordeal and I’m was doing everything possible to keep from going down under..you know, emotionally. Then I re-discovered the power of prayer and truly sought God who has shown me such amazing grace. I had been trying too hard to do what I couldn’t do for myself. As the pastor said this past Sunday, grace is God doing for you what you cannot do for yourself. I can tell you for sure that being the type A person that I am and the researcher in me, I have tried many solutions, experimented, rewritten the hypothesis on my life and on happiness- all in vain. All my efforts to make myself a great and happy person have ended in frustration. 

Then Grace came along..actually God had been pursuing me all along it’s just there was so much noise in my life I had learnt to ignore him. But when I finally realized that my efforts were pointless and I surrendered to God, I found grace waiting happily, with open arms. All I can say is I don’t know why I didn’t try this sooner. I believed all along that God is a good God who sacrificed his son but I had forgotten that I needed to access this grace on a daily basis. With my human nature and all the craziness of this world, I need grace continually to escape temptation, greed, laziness, name it,  I need grace to save me from myself!

Thank you Jesus for not giving up on me and pursuing me constantly, because of your grace, I am happy today, not because everything is going well, but because by your grace I have found comfort and contentment. Today I choose to rejoice despite my circumstances, because your grace is sufficient for me and your power is made known in my weakness. I believe in your power God, that you have a great plan for my life. T’is so sweet to trust in Jesus.

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. 2 Cor 12:19

Metamorphosis and musings

“Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward.” -C.S. Lewis

 How I have missed blogging. I haven’t even captured all the funny things my lil man keeps saying:
 • He is sad that May has 31 instead of 30 days because it makes the school year longer.

 • He demonstrated that you can play UNO by yourself. Of course the cards were selected in advance for this demo. I caught it on my phone camera-or so I thought so I asked him to redo the demo but he had already mixed in the cards. The second demo for solo play in UNO took a while as he kept getting the draw 2 and draw 4 cards…lol. It was hilarious, but he finally won-I mean he finished the game. Is there a win if you are the only player? I’m sure he would answer ‘yes’.

• He is fond of keeping his uniform on after school and I always have to tell him to take it off. The other day he replied that his uniform “only feels comfortable when he is at home”. He wants to keep it on. I’m not sure if there is truth to this statement or he is just trying to be lazy. But, I pick my battles, I let him keep it on, unless we are eating spaghetti and sauce.

• He had decided he wants to be a vegetarian. While shopping at Target the other day, he decided to share that I should not buy meat because he is becoming a vegetarian. I don’t think he remembers his love for hot dogs or hamburgers but I will remind him of this soon I’m sure. He has eaten a vegan burger and chicken nuggets which apparently tasted the same as meat. I have no intentions of going vegan so our mealtime battles on top of shoving veggies down his throat will also involve me begging him to eat a hamburger.

How about me?
A lot of changes, a metamorphosis of some sort. I started a healthy hair journey almost a year ago when I decided to stop permanently straightening my hair by relaxer a.k.a the “creamy crack”. In many ways my going back to curly hair reflects my inward journey to self-discovery. I am going back to my roots that I abandoned when I joined the western culture and had to conform. My hair is unruly, kinky and does not like to be tamed. That is how I feel. Enough with conforming, it really hasn’t gotten me anywhere other than further from myself. So I have been cleaning shop. I have had to let go of a few friends, a few habits even let go of my old church. I have also discovered a few things I don’t like about myself, boy I’m a work in progress. The last few years have been a struggle for me to keep living in this country as nothing is as appealing as I always thought. The land of milk and honey is just a myth really…life is so hectic and lonely. I have this recurring dream that I packed up and left but yet I’m still here and God knows there are reasons why he has allowed me to stay on while my heart yearns to be back home. I know home is not a bed of roses but I’m willing to take my chances in a developing country than stay in a “developed country” yet so behind in many aspects.

Most importantly, after all these years of searching, my faith in God makes sense. Attending a church that is filled with the spirit and presence of God has definitely transformed me in the last couple months. To think this church has been a couple blocks from my house all along. I honestly think the ministers there are appointed of God. In this era where ministry is money making business it’s a relief. I see people in the general congregation pray like I see people pray back home-with conviction and great faith. I know I’m here for a great purpose and I’m glad that I now have a church family that is an example for how the Christian walk should be and “a place of becoming” which is the church motto.

I have been struggling with forgiving someone who hurt me deeply in the past, I mean years of thinking “I can forgive but will not forget” but really my heart had not let go of that hurt. Somehow in the midst of more reading and prayer and churchin’, I finally got it. It’s like a burden has been lifted, and for the first time I saw clearly not only the love that God has for me, but the love that God has for the person who hurt me. And I prayed for them. If by God’s grace I do not get what I deserve, then the same grace is available for them. I’m free, free to love them enough to pray for them. Only God can do what God can do. A couple Christmases ago my parents narrated this story of how they blessed a couple who had done them wrong and I remember thinking how nuts they were and how they let people walk all over them…I finally understand their faith, my faith.

I like the quote by C.S. Lewis even if it doesn’t match the topic but it very much describes some decisions I have had to make and still need to make. God is faithful, if you have ever doubted, ask me, I have a testimony.