Metamorphosis and musings

“Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward.” -C.S. Lewis

 How I have missed blogging. I haven’t even captured all the funny things my lil man keeps saying:
 • He is sad that May has 31 instead of 30 days because it makes the school year longer.

 • He demonstrated that you can play UNO by yourself. Of course the cards were selected in advance for this demo. I caught it on my phone camera-or so I thought so I asked him to redo the demo but he had already mixed in the cards. The second demo for solo play in UNO took a while as he kept getting the draw 2 and draw 4 cards…lol. It was hilarious, but he finally won-I mean he finished the game. Is there a win if you are the only player? I’m sure he would answer ‘yes’.

• He is fond of keeping his uniform on after school and I always have to tell him to take it off. The other day he replied that his uniform “only feels comfortable when he is at home”. He wants to keep it on. I’m not sure if there is truth to this statement or he is just trying to be lazy. But, I pick my battles, I let him keep it on, unless we are eating spaghetti and sauce.

• He had decided he wants to be a vegetarian. While shopping at Target the other day, he decided to share that I should not buy meat because he is becoming a vegetarian. I don’t think he remembers his love for hot dogs or hamburgers but I will remind him of this soon I’m sure. He has eaten a vegan burger and chicken nuggets which apparently tasted the same as meat. I have no intentions of going vegan so our mealtime battles on top of shoving veggies down his throat will also involve me begging him to eat a hamburger.

How about me?
A lot of changes, a metamorphosis of some sort. I started a healthy hair journey almost a year ago when I decided to stop permanently straightening my hair by relaxer a.k.a the “creamy crack”. In many ways my going back to curly hair reflects my inward journey to self-discovery. I am going back to my roots that I abandoned when I joined the western culture and had to conform. My hair is unruly, kinky and does not like to be tamed. That is how I feel. Enough with conforming, it really hasn’t gotten me anywhere other than further from myself. So I have been cleaning shop. I have had to let go of a few friends, a few habits even let go of my old church. I have also discovered a few things I don’t like about myself, boy I’m a work in progress. The last few years have been a struggle for me to keep living in this country as nothing is as appealing as I always thought. The land of milk and honey is just a myth really…life is so hectic and lonely. I have this recurring dream that I packed up and left but yet I’m still here and God knows there are reasons why he has allowed me to stay on while my heart yearns to be back home. I know home is not a bed of roses but I’m willing to take my chances in a developing country than stay in a “developed country” yet so behind in many aspects.

Most importantly, after all these years of searching, my faith in God makes sense. Attending a church that is filled with the spirit and presence of God has definitely transformed me in the last couple months. To think this church has been a couple blocks from my house all along. I honestly think the ministers there are appointed of God. In this era where ministry is money making business it’s a relief. I see people in the general congregation pray like I see people pray back home-with conviction and great faith. I know I’m here for a great purpose and I’m glad that I now have a church family that is an example for how the Christian walk should be and “a place of becoming” which is the church motto.

I have been struggling with forgiving someone who hurt me deeply in the past, I mean years of thinking “I can forgive but will not forget” but really my heart had not let go of that hurt. Somehow in the midst of more reading and prayer and churchin’, I finally got it. It’s like a burden has been lifted, and for the first time I saw clearly not only the love that God has for me, but the love that God has for the person who hurt me. And I prayed for them. If by God’s grace I do not get what I deserve, then the same grace is available for them. I’m free, free to love them enough to pray for them. Only God can do what God can do. A couple Christmases ago my parents narrated this story of how they blessed a couple who had done them wrong and I remember thinking how nuts they were and how they let people walk all over them…I finally understand their faith, my faith.

I like the quote by C.S. Lewis even if it doesn’t match the topic but it very much describes some decisions I have had to make and still need to make. God is faithful, if you have ever doubted, ask me, I have a testimony.