Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Replay

The event usually develops as I throw the ball to my son and it probably hits the fence and does a 'cool' bounce. My son will then proceed to reenact what he the ball did totally like a replay. This has been going on for a couple months or at least the past year..time flies. When something good or cool happens, he wants it to repeat. Sometime its fun since it makes it predictable what he wants to do...like he loves it when sit on the stairs outside on a nice day and eat icecream or as I 'make him laugh'.... but other times it like 'ok already!' as he reenacts how the ball moved and bounced for the 10th time!

This just has to make you love kids. So for the past couple of months when its warm outside we come home and quickly change, then go outside and kick the ball to each other until we are tired or hungry. Most of the times we come up with something cool to do with a ball that we hadn't done before or to change things up we use different balls. I love it.

Aren't we all like kids, wishing the good things would keep repeating themselves? As I've been going through my twenties, those good things seem few and far in between. I sometimes sit and think of all the good things and I'm content but sometimes I wish opportunities that I ignored would reappear and thus my replay is skewed from that which my son enjoys because half the time is spent in regret of things I did or didn't do and wish I could change.

What if I didn't move from NYC, what if I didn't get married, what if I had really applied to Med school, what if I had moved to TX for school? I'm really trying to get better at my replay so I'm not consumed with what ifs, woulda coulda shoulda. Because I probably wouldn't have the friends I have here, the peace of mind...lets face it NYC was expensive, the career, the boyfriend. I'm praying for God to help me appreciate all the good things that have happened in my life and move on from here. I have so much potential and so much I would like to accomplish and more importantly be rooted in that God has a plan for my life and I'm not just sailing in the wind.
Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans that I have for you, declares the Lord, Plans to prosper and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Is this criminal?

Yes, I'm a self-confessed 'Criminal Minds' addict or any criminal show for that matter. This year I chose to minimize my exposure by watching one or two a week and its been a very worth hour of my time on Wednesday....and today's TWO hour show was so totally off the hook!! That show is genius, at least the writing is. They just have a way of explaining a criminal's mind, keeping you engaged and the philosophical quotes at the beginning and end..not to mention the medical mysteries..totally love the Doc in this show and Sherman Moore is totally representing!
I had to run some errands today and I was way out at 7.30pm when I realized that I might miss this show and stopped what I was doing to drive home, grocery shopping can wait!

Now that I've had my TV 'high' for the week, its time for me to confess, I wish this was something spectacular that I was so excited about. I wish I was feeling good about making someones day better, helping someone, praying for someone, praying for myself, reading the bible for an hour... sigh. It feels a bit criminal to get so excited about a show but for now it makes Wednesday nights great.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Organically Speaking

I am one of those people who if not busy freak out that there is something they should be doing. The workload in the office has been up and down lately and when its down, it gets me down. I cannot seem to get through even the little that there is. I'm not good at taking advantage of this time either...reading books, watching or youtubing (come to think of it I could have watched the Amazing Race episodes that I missed), I just have a very active conscience. I want to do work when I'm at work. I want to advance, learn more, gain more knowledge, heck get paid more. For that reason, I believe that if there is no work to be done, I should just stay at home and find something more meaningful to do with my time as I see fit instead of being confined to the office.

So I'm in that zone where I wonder if this is the right fit for me. Granted I'm going to be very busy in a couple weeks, but in the now, I'm feeling like I'm wasting precious time. I have tried to be as productive on the homefront, picking my son up early from school so we can have more time together but this does not eliminate my need for a challenge. I need to be solving some global problems somewhere, creating health programs that work, educating people on their health, helping provide access, monitoring research and creating effective patient flow in hospitals. and I will once I'm done with this degree in 3 years..sigh. I'm wondering how I can push myself to get it done sooner.

I have also been thinking that God created this time for me on purpose. Because I'm very prone to being very busy and driven that I can forget to pray, read the Bible and just plain out listen to him. So I have been talking to God and searching him a lot in this time period. I even listen to Moody radio...which I had quit for while which is a whole other post. I feel the need to fill my time meditating. Being that I'm Christian I should have been doing these things all along but I dropped the ball somewhere and was just getting by with Sunday morning services.

I came across the blog of a surgeon http://heal-thyself.blogspot.com/ volunteering at my local hospital back home. I'm awed not only by the stories, his commitment but also God's way of using us when we show up for what he needs us to do. He didn't have to do this, he could be making tons of money in the US but he felt the need and trusted God to provide (yes he had to raise $ to support this cause) because it was the only thing to do. While this makes me want to be a surgeon solving complex medical problems, I know God has something in store for ME and he needs me to show up. So I'm listening and searching, going back to the basics being organic in my pursuit of God.

Organic has numerous meanings, 'natural', 'associated with living organisms', 'constitutional in the structure of something'.

I was browsing the web I ran into a quote from Margaret Feinbergs "The Organic God" which sums it all up.

“But as I practice the art of listening to God, I am discovering that He is surprisingly talkative even in the silence. Prayers are not going unanswered as much as He is responding in unexpected ways. Listening to God’s voice requires more than just my ears; it requires my eyes, my mind, my spirit, my entire being to recognize the God-nudges in life. His voice is found in the wisdom of friends and spiritual leaders. He whispers through dreams and visions and abundant provision. He speaks through both conscience and conviction and an undeniable sense that some thoughts are more like God-thoughts than my own. He even speaks in the silence. In the process, I find myself both enticed and intrigued by Him. I find myself hanging on every word. God’s voice becomes the only voice I want to hear.”

Sunday, May 10, 2009

Mothers Day

We were playing catch today and my son randomly told me that I was the best Mom that he has ever had... He went on to say that I make him laugh and he likes that. I wanted to cry because that was soo sweet. I forgot about all the hard mom days today, what a gift it is to be a mother. I'm so blessed!

Thursday, May 7, 2009

service

I woke up extra early this morning. I was going to drive 4 kids to school including mine and I didn't want to be the one lagging behind. However insignificant that action is, it made me feel like I'm part of something larger. I get so consumed with my life and my son's all week and it was great to be of service to my friend when she needed it. It made me feel like my week was useful because I did something of benefit outside of myself.

Imagine how enriched my life would be if I would seek out more opportunities to serve-my friends and community in Chicago. Then I would never really have time to 'mourn' about all that is lacking in my life. Sure I would prefer to be serving at home where needs are many, with my family close by, but this is where God has put me right now. I need to get with the program.

The best way to find yourself is to loose yourself in the service of others. Mahatma Gandhi

This is the day that the Lord has made, let us rejoice and be glad in it. Psalm 118:24

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

trusting

When I started this blog, it was a place of healing that was important for me to make sense of who I was and where I was going. I've now realized how therapeutic writing is to me and when I'm feeling overwhelmed, happy, sad etc I write; on a word document, journal and sometimes it makes it here. I've really grown as a person and most importantly, I clearly see God's imprint on my life and why he allowed me to go through some very difficult situations.

Alas I'm not done growing. Most recently I've just been sensing God letting me know that he has a plan for me that's bigger than I. It sounds weird but I feel God's nudging for me to 'wake' up and be an intentional christian, pursue him earnestly and have faith. I say wake up because lately I've been preoccupied with how 'I' can change my life. I switched jobs, going back to school and feeling good about myself for doing these things. God is telling me that it is not about me. It's about him and I need to put him first and everything else will come together.

God knows my passion for making a difference in people anyway I can through knowledge, science, healthcare. I'm struggling right now because even though I work in the clinical realm of things, I still feel like I'm not doing what I need to be doing. I'm trusting God that as I start this public health degree, that he will open the doors and windows that I need and may his will be done in that process. I'm taking up a global concentration, which means doing an internship abroad(Kenya of course!). I need God to work out the logistics of that experience since I'm still working full time. I have a dream to work globally not only in Kenya but especially in Kenya. There are just so many opportunities and needs to be met. I could probably start at home in the local community hospital that largely shaped my career path. I've also realized the opportunities to serve right here in Chicago and praying God that I do not get pre-occupied planning my exit that I miss what it is he wants me to do here.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him and he will make your paths straight. Proverbs 3:5

"God can't give us peace and happiness apart from himself because there is no such thing." C.S.Lewis

Monday, May 4, 2009

Random Monday

I've been kind of random lately.

I wish I didn't have to work today so I could sit in the sun. I love the sun, beats me why I live in Chicago.

I want to fly a kite, I discovered I could this past weekend and it was so much fun.

I discovered that some people in our church live on our street. I'm hoping they are the 'cool' neighbors who don't mind knocking on my door if they are walking past. I miss that.

I want to have a whole bunch of people in my house all the time because that makes me happy. If I could have a big family I would. That is how I grew up, there were always people in the house. If it wasn't my 3 siblings, there would be my cousins, aunts, neighbors, friends, friends of friends, people walking about who popped in, our househelp...the list is endless. If it ever happened that the house was empty and wanted company, you could walk into any of the above listed homes or compounds and have a good time.

Life is complicated.

My phone is sooo old and looks sooo dated. I don't care, I really don't so long as it works.

I'm too hard on myself. I'm slowly learning to let go.

Something that I was freaking out about (at work) just resolved miraculously. I should trust more, pray more and have faith that all things work out for good. Thank you Jesus!

I have the best boyfriend in the world. I think I'm extra hard on him as I continue to work on myself. I don't acknowledge his presence in my life as much as I should but he has been so supportive the last 1.5 years of our time together. I love him dearly.

My boss asked what I did this weekend and I replied " I flew a kite". LOL. She understands I have a child.