Life goes on

I got a really uplifting email from a friend. It was the excerpt from Oprah's interview with Maya Angelou about growing older. I liked what she said that "No matter what happens or how bad it seems today, life does go on and it will be better tomorrow.......You shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands; you should be able to throw some things back". How true and inspiring.
I spent time with a good friend of mine last nite. An amazing person, so supportive, down to earth. I really enjoy hanging out with her even though I feel like the bulk of her time is spent listening to my endless drama but she has stuck with me and I will be eternally grateful for her. I think often how I could do something great for her in return and it doesn't ever feel like anything can match up. I guess I don't know why I'm pondering this but just reflecting on the wonderful people in my life and the positive things that make life so much better. Sure I have a closetful of skeletons and every once in a while they come out and make a scare of my life but I'm a grateful person. Sometimes when I go out to parties people assume that my life is so stress free and sometimes when they find out wssup, they gasp to the tune of how come you look ok? First I cannot cry everyday because my life is not the way I would want it to be. Really life goes on and the attitude we carry is what will see us through.
Today I also pondered my non-existent love life and where that will take me. Hmmm...scary thoughts there...will I ever let anyone in or will I be scared to make the same mistake twice? I hope life moves on for me in this department so much so that I can let go of any inhibitions that may lock Mr. Soulmate out. I guess I will cross that bridge when I come to it, right now I'm still way on the other side of the river and enjoying it. It's great to be single again. One other thing that Maya at 70 has learnt is that 'life sometimes gives you a second chance' I think I got mine.

drama again

It was a bad morning today. The final mediation session and I left in pieces. I looked like someone had boxed by eyes because I cried so hard. I cried out of sadness, for my son mostly, for the fact that his parents may never see eye to eye and that there may be nothing I can do to change that. I cried for myself for being put in that position. I cried because this didn’t have to be, I don’t even see where the drama is coming from or out of. I just want the best for my son is that too much to ask?

TGIF and I plan of doing something relaxing, not sure what. I should get the new John Mayer album; it’s just too hot or get a pedicure. I need a good massage that’s what. At least I was able to hold up at work today even though everyone kept asking what was wrong. I cried that’s all but I’m holding up pretty well. I think I cried a lot of stress out which is good. I don’t feel as awful and I’ve learnt to let go of things I cannot change and focus on what I can do. I know we will be ok.

Chocolate and Valentine's

Ok, so let’s set this record straight once and for all. I’m not crazy about chocolate…candy that is! Not every female goes gaga over chocolate and I’m certainly not one of them. You will never catch me nibbling on a chocolate bar; that is a blue moon occasion. I do like chocolate cake done right and mostly with vanilla ice cream and most importantly, I do loove me a chocolate man. I have tons of chocolate candy that I have accumulated mostly over Halloween and I have to confess, most of the time I just end up trashing it.
So this Valentine’s day, I’m not putting pressure on myself. In fact I’m so excited that I get to go home chill with a glass of wine, good music and a good book. I don’t have to think about getting expensive gifts or where to dine. Plus there is 2 feet of snow outside and what should be inhabitable temperatures but I guess I’m sadly getting used to that. The man I met is in town and even though I have my own plans, this night could very well take a twist, we’ll see.

In a zone

I am experiencing an emotion that I cannot even name ..it’s a mixture of anger, fear, sadness, betrayal. I think I’m at that point in life that something has to give. I need to grow because I feel I’m starting to wither. I need to make a drastic change in my life but I don’t know what. I need to do something that makes me happy. I’m tired of compromising, tired of being content, tired of waiting, tired of just barely making it, tired of same shyt different day, tired of being scared, tired of being tired. I feel like my talent, my very self is being wasted, absorbed and drained by my current status. This is a dead end place, I don’t want to be here anymore. It doesn’t make me happy. More and more it’s hard to wake up every morning and do what I do. The hard thing is I can’t seem to figure out if it’s the whole or just the elements. Is it the people I work with, the nature of the work, should I try a different specialty, different company, different angle for the same job, different city, closer to family, more money, more school, more experience or just start something entirely new? How come I cannot figure this out? Why does it have to be so difficult? Sometimes I feel I can make that leap of faith but I’m scared shitless. I don’t have the luxury to play around, with a child to care for and hypocritical father who would not give a rat’s ass if I succeeded or not. As a matter of fact he would throw it in my face and use it against me. So I feel stuck but I know one of these days something’s gotta give.

Age defying

I managed to watch Oprah yesterday. This is a typical Oprah topic which I did not care much for but for being cable free and not sleepy, I indulged myself. She had some amazing stories about women who look 10-30 years their age. This one 70 yr-old could pass for half her age! The common theme in these 3 women’s life is they took a chance to develop what they really wanted to do. Surprisingly all of them were single, one having been divorced, a single mom and a never-married one. I think being single allows you to be yourself without anyone putting boundaries on what you feel happiest doing. There are very few instances where anyone in a relationship can go forth freely without compromising even in the least bit. That really struck home for me and gave me that extra push I needed yesterday. I felt like I was on the right track to a beautiful life. So lessons learnt from Oprah:

1. Identify what you want in life, what makes you happy
2. Make the necessary steps to get there e.g. shed the baggage like bad relationships, job you don’t like.
3. Find something routine that gives your body and mind resonance e.g. meditation, exercise.
4. Mind what you eat but do not deny yourself. Everything in moderation.
5. Give back to the community, people around you; the blessing will be on you.