In a zone

I am experiencing an emotion that I cannot even name ..it’s a mixture of anger, fear, sadness, betrayal. I think I’m at that point in life that something has to give. I need to grow because I feel I’m starting to wither. I need to make a drastic change in my life but I don’t know what. I need to do something that makes me happy. I’m tired of compromising, tired of being content, tired of waiting, tired of just barely making it, tired of same shyt different day, tired of being scared, tired of being tired. I feel like my talent, my very self is being wasted, absorbed and drained by my current status. This is a dead end place, I don’t want to be here anymore. It doesn’t make me happy. More and more it’s hard to wake up every morning and do what I do. The hard thing is I can’t seem to figure out if it’s the whole or just the elements. Is it the people I work with, the nature of the work, should I try a different specialty, different company, different angle for the same job, different city, closer to family, more money, more school, more experience or just start something entirely new? How come I cannot figure this out? Why does it have to be so difficult? Sometimes I feel I can make that leap of faith but I’m scared shitless. I don’t have the luxury to play around, with a child to care for and hypocritical father who would not give a rat’s ass if I succeeded or not. As a matter of fact he would throw it in my face and use it against me. So I feel stuck but I know one of these days something’s gotta give.