flying

I was flying again this week. For the past couple years, for some odd reason, I have become such a nervous wreck when I fly. I have vowed to practice my yoga breathing, having gone to one such class the night before. Being that the flight was to White Plains, NY made my anxiety even worse with chances that it would be a small jet, and sure enough. One of those where if you put both your arms straight out you could touch each window. I haven't flown in one of these since college and I surely don't remember it being this small. From my recent experience, the smaller the jets, the crazier the turbulence, or do I just make this up in my head? I had bought the "Essence Magazine". What better way to occupy my time than to read about Michelle Obama and her mom who are on the front cover? No it didn't work, my stomach 'dropped' during takeoff and I nervously clutched the armrest while pretending that I was perfectly ok. I kept reading nonetheless.

Once we were way up, I kept thinking about what I would do if something went wrong with the plane. Of all things to think about! Either my head is playing games or I'm playing games with myself. I checked the nearby exit again, had paid attention to the emergency exit instructions. I started to think about my son, thinking this is why people make wills, because I don't want any of my money to go to the government, then I started to think about my faith and wondering if I was losing the point of all of this. The reality is that I am a control freak and up here I feel totally powerless. But it may just be that I'm unwilling to surrender, not just when I fly but to the things in my life, to give them to God because that is all I can do.

I moved into my plan of action which was to take deep breaths. It worked for sometime because my stomach stopped tightening. I started to read my book and everything seemed normal for the most part of the journey until the last 20 or so minutes of descent. We were flying over a body of water and for some reason the ride became extra 'bumpy'. I could swear the pilot was having a bit of fun because this jet was tilting from side to side and all the calm went out the window..or somewhere in the the plane far from me because I started to tighten up again and think too much ...."What were those passengers who landed on the Hudson thinking as the pilot told them that they would be going down? Would be ok to take my purse with me in an evacuation? Bizarre I know, but replacing all those items in there...lets start with the Drivers License...DMV hello? Who wants to go there. Damn it, I should have only carried one credit card and not three. Thank God I did not carry my Green Card, because that would be the biggest pain.My glasses, I love those rims and don't want to have to pick out another design. My toiletries are so special, don't want to replace those. I think I can get away with carrying my phone. But then again it would give me an excuse to get that blackberry. How could I forget, I would absolutely positively have to carry my keys. I have my whole set of keys including the only key to my car. Yes, I would only carry my purse. I would have to leave the carry on. My favorite pair of shoes in there. Oh gosh, I'm so vain!" Yes for a split second I thought all that and amused myself somewhat. I prayed again. This time I confessed my anxiety as hinderance to my faith and realized that this is not something I only do up in the air, but some habit bourne out of desperately trying to control my situation, career, parenting, love life. I really prayed that God would help me identify these situations when they arise, to nip it in the bud, not letting it spiral into some tornado.

The flight back followed the same scenario somewhat but even more turbulent so I prayed, read and tried to sleep. I really needed to use the bathroom in the last stretch of the flight and it happened to be when it became most turbulent and the seat-belt sign came on. I figured I would dash in real quick to the stall. It was a total balancing act in the bathroom and kind of funny when I stopped thinking that I was in a plane. It was like being on those kid bounce things where you get thrown side to side. For some reason thinking about it this way, and actually laughing it out eliminated my anxiety...totally. I balanced back to my seat and we landed safe and sound. I hope I'm 'cured' but I won't know until next time.

This weekend was a reminder of how fragile and short life is. To live to the fullest, love to the fullest while we can.

I lost my aunt this past weekend. But she was more than just my aunt, she was the mother of all, being married to the oldest sibling from my dad's side of the family. Even though I never spent much time taking or listening to her in my growing up years, I surprisingly had more of a connection in the last 10 years when I have been away from home. She was supportive of my decision to end my marriage, which came as a surprise to me, because she listened to me, asked for my opinions and then let me know that everything was going to be ok. That was four years ago. I saw her last in December during her son's wedding. She had been so busy planning I barely got time to visit with her. I had plans work with her when I finally return home, in the health clinic that they started, but I never mentioned it. I will remember her as a strong woman who held her family together despite many obstacles. They were married 50 years.

I didn't cry because for some reason I couldn't. Later in the day my sister sent me a text saying that my parents and brother had been involved in an accident. From her words I could tell she was trying to keep it calm so I do not panic. It worked for a couple of hours, again in denial mode. During bedtime, I told my son that we would pray for my brother because he had been injured in an accident. He surprised me by busting into tears that his uncle was hurt. He is only 6 and I felt bad that maybe I hadn't communicated it in child-appropriated language.

That is when it hit me and I cried. I hadn't cried in a long time so I cried all the tears from missing my parents, to being overwhelmed with work and now school to the anxiety from what I did not know. I called home and my mother assured me that God had been all that in that accident. No one was hurt except for my brother who injured his nose but was treated and discharged. Considering it was a head on collision, God is great.

Thank you God for reminding me of your grace, power, love in this difficult moment.