honest with myself

This weekend I stayed home for the most part, something I haven’t done in a long time. I had a really good time with friends on Friday. As I was trying to catch up with a friend, I was relaying all that I had been up to in the past year and I was spilling all my accomplishments if I can call them that. I went home that night and thought about what I was saying about myself and it was sounding contradictory to the direction I thought I was moving in. In fact I feel like I may have been bragging…. about stuff that now seems so not worth it. I really hope not, coz I hate when people brag. Talking about it somehow felt like I had spent a better part of last year being in denial about where I was in life. I also think I may have been overcompensating… unconsciously trying to prove that I still got IT. IT being whether it is at a party getting attention from an XY, being the supermom or being the star worker. I somehow don’t want anyone to see me different and I want to shout: “I’m ok, really, I’m hurting, but I can still take on that project, my child will always be in top shape, I’m a single mom but still savvy…”
Today I’m just acknowledging something that I’ve already been aware of, that I have spent the past year trying to mask a lot of pain. That somehow I still feel inadequate and have been trying to compensate for my feeling lonely, lost and dumb at times. I’m not as unscathed as I want to make it seem and neither I’m I as pristine as I would like to be. Wow, this is a tough pill to swallow!
I want to be the triumphant woman and mother who went through a rough time, learnt from the hard lessons, matured and succeeded beyond measure. That is the direction I want to be moving in. I really need to work on not needing outside approval, because I got it all in me to be all that and more. But I’m encouraged because I feel like I’ve made a dent in the healing process.
So on Saturday as I watched the Oprah special on her school in SA, I cried the whole time. At times I wasn’t sure if I was crying because of the stories or because I could see myself in those girls, trying to overcome crap that happens in life and watching them be so strong and then realize their dreams through the dreams of another, it was such a compelling story. I seriously admire Oprah, I almost want to go to that level and say, yeah to heck with marriage, you can be so much more without it. I already have a child but not stressing about the 3 more I thought I was going to have (lol) But I guess I would still have to keep a man on the side..lol. I still want to know how she works that in her life.
For real though, I’m feeling good because I can be honest with myself about what is going on. I'm not sure why I'm taking personal inventory in March but Like Thomas Jefferson said "Honesty is the first chapter of the book of wisdom." I’m definitely feeling wiser than I was 2 years or 6 months ago, even though my life seems like a yoyo I know I’m getting there.