Days like these..

I miss home and that is an understatement. There are many times in my stay far away when it hurts at how far I am. Days like today I just want someone else to take over. I don't want to be it anymore, I would just like someone else to make the decisions, worry about my son's school, health, someone else to worry about my car, my school. Some days like these I don't want to be grown up. I wish I could pack up all my shit and move into my parents home for a couple months and not have to think literally.
I'm not depressed, I've been there, maybe lonely and a bit overwhelmed by my life. This is a paradox because my life is going relatively well. I've just been accepted into my master's program, got financial aid, my son is in a great school, I have a man who loves and supports me. Then there is the everyday stuff, like my car maintenance light comes on and I know I need to make an appointment to get it checked, and I worry it might be more than an oil change. My son has a cavity and needs it filled and I have to find a good pediatric dentist and decide the appropriate meds during the procedure, nitrous oxide, local anesthesia, not to mention the cost, argh, it hurts my head thinking about it. Then there is school, which I'm excited about but I have to pick classes, decide how many to take, go for orientation...How about the upcoming springbreak, what are we going to do to make it fun? I wanted to travel but tickets are too dang expensive. Some days I wish I didn't have so many decisions resting on me, I need a way to outsource...lol. Maybe I just a good cup of tea and mandazi and life will be good again with lots of company, with my family..oh I miss them.

Happy New Year to me!

I cannot believe it's already end of January. I haven't blogged about my life, I guess it's easier to write when things are going wrong? I have had so many things going on in my head that I want to put down..my life has been so awesome, so blessed that I'm overwhelmed.

After being so anxious about not being able to go home for Christmas, it happened, God is soo good. I didn't have the money for it in August and I was depressed but God had it planned and it happened.

I loved loved every waking moment I spent at home. My parents, two brothers and sister were home on almost daily basis and I basked in that space, I felt so safe, so content. I was content on waking up to the sun, eating and having just regular conversation. So long as the people I loved were around me, I was fine. Did I say I love being home, life is so carefree, something that my son discovered. He could walk to the neighbor's house unattended, play for a while, walk to my aunts house, take a walk with his uncle. He was no longer solely dependent on me. He had a family, literally a village to spend time with. Sometimes I wonder if I missed this...the opportunity to give him that simplicity of life. I think about it often, but then that might have meant being away from him. I don't know. I know he loved it there and cried hard when we had to leave. Now it's just me and him and sometimes we get tired of each other.

My siblings have matured, they have lives of their own, they are such good 'kids' and I'm so proud of them. I wish I could see them everyday, really. My parents still the same, I may disagree with them on some issues but I love then dearly. They are loving, compassionate and spend a great deal of time and money helping other people. I love that about them.

I'm back to work, I really like this place, it really is very nurturing and I work with some phenomenal people. My bosses are great. When I work, I give it 110% like it's my business. I think that is how it should be.I'm in a great relationship, I feel more than I even want to reveal to myself.

I threw my son a great bowling party, he turned 6. My friends spoiled him rotten. He knows he's loved.

I'm blessed, so blessed I could write a book about it. I'm grateful and I'm looking for ways to pass it forward.

the holidays are not scary this year...

I have so much to be thankful for and not in a cliche type of way..in a its a miracle, unbelievable type of way. Two years from the date I was so hopeless, I sat in my house on thanksgiving day and cried. Last year, I ventured out feeling hopeful and this year, I have no words. I have an abundance of peace, love, friends and resources. Sometimes I wonder why God just lets us stay struggling when he is capable of doing. But in retrospect, that is what it took to let me know how much he is capable. I was down and under and he has lifted me up. If I wasn't at the bottom, I would not appreciate what it feels like to be right here. My God has done his thing. I get to see my family in less than two weeks and I am beside myself because I miss them so much. Sure there are lots of things I could worry about, I'm taking lots of unpaid time in this economy, the school has threatened that my son is taking too much time off. Seriously, for a smart kid in Kindergarten and that ish about being away for 2 wks. I digress for this just irks me. See my God worked out all the details so I will not let some nonsense distract me from this happy moment. He provided the finances, the time, the accomodating work schedule, accomodating legal matters, it was like a jigsaw puzzle that had to come together at exactly the right time. So I'm praying, believing and basking in the goodness of him.

Who am I?

I was raised in a conservative christian home.
I'm the oldest of four.
I wanted to be a doctor and got good grades to get there.
I then realized it was more my parent's dream.
My dream is to make a difference in people's health.
I'm yet to start my degree to accomplish that.
It will take two years.
I love my job now.
I have been married.
I am divorced.
I survived domestic abuse.
I am a mom.
I love it.
I hate that I'm so far from my family.
I don't like the cold.
I love being with people.
I like to dance.
I am a Christian.
I surrender to no one but God.
I have a strong dislike for people who use Christianity/Religion for selfish reasons;political, ethical etc.
I can't stand phony people.
I supported Obama.
I believe in love.
I fight for justice.
I wish we would all just get along.
I have more questions sometimes than I do answers.
I love spending time with friends.
I like cooking.
I am an organic food freak.
I spend too much on food.
I would like to exercise more.
I want to run a marathon.
I would like to read more.
I like fashion.
I don't believe in spending a lot of money to look good.
I am a minimalist.
I would like to be a designer.
I would like to be a DJ
I love music.
I am shy.
I am bold.
I live.
I laugh.
I dream.
I believe.
I conquer.
I am set free above all and that is enough.

You've got to pray............

If there is one positive thing about the madness that sometimes exists in my life, its that it keeps me praying. Because most days that is ALL I can do...PRAY. I have to say it works and it's less stressful. One year post divorce and I'm finally cutting the final cord, the jointly owned car has now been refinanced at a 1% lower interest rate than I'm currently paying. Some things you just know when God has a hand it in like this one.

I have a new job, quiting my old one after only a year because I was miserable. I believe you can work and be happy so despite the grim economy, my God provided.

I'm truly blessed. I'm happy. I'm surrounded by many wonderful friends who constantly remind me that there is more to life. I get sad though, more than ever nowadays because I miss my family. There have been many days this year when all I have wanted is to just sit and talk to my mom or get a hug from her, hang out with my siblings and enjoy being grown up and watch my dad playing with my son...all that priceless. I think I have to put prayer if full gear because by faith I'm going home for Christmas! Yes, I'm affirming it because I know my God is able.

My prayer now is to be a good mom, find some balance as my son goes through Kindergarten, some patience because God knows they can kill you with all that homework they give. Giving advice to a 5 year old is like talking to a brick wall because they seriously think they are grown up and can figure it out...lol.

Thank you Lord, I made it.

It's amazing what difference time can make. It's amazing the great things God can do in your life. My life is a true testament of how God can change things around in such a mighty way! Two years ago, I was desperate, lost my marriage, was in bad shape money wise, made very little money to support myself and my son. I prayed earnestly, if only I could make X dollars my life would be so much better. I wanted it then, but God had a different plan. It's like I was walking around in the desert and I didn't like it. It hurt and I felt that after all the suffering, I deserved better. God has taught me patience, I'm still learning but two years later, I am making the X dollars I asked God for and more in such a miraculous way!

Do not ever doubt what God can do in your life. Trust him fully and you will experience that he is all you need. I'm still in awe of how God came through for me. I start a new job and essentially a new life. I'm taking 2.5 weeks of vacation, I figured I should, I haven't taken vacay in three years because I always cashed it out. The Bible is not playing when it states that if we pray and call unto God, he will answer our prayers. Pray, ask other people to pray for you, I believe that the prayers of my parents and other people have probably taken me further than my own because I was so distressed, inconsistent and sometimes not believing, but God hears them all. He has answered my prayers yet again!

the times of my life

Sometimes I wonder if my life will ever be different or will forever be haunted by my past, if I will ever be independent of the decisions that I made when I was naïve and didn’t know better, If one day I can sit and not think of the why. Will it just ever be a move forward, a new chapter, the old one forgotten and insignificant?

Sometimes I cry thinking of the hardships I have had to endure the past few years. They cut to the essence of my being, completely tore me apart, left me vulnerable, rock bottom.

Sometimes I imagine how things would have been different. If I would have made it big, If I would be living elsewhere, if I would have gone back home, if I would be happy?

Most times nowadays I’m amazed at how far I have come, how much I have grown, how many people have been by side, how God can do amazing things.

Most times I hate to imagine that I would be living elsewhere, not knowing the people I know now, not knowing the love that surrounds me, not being the confident woman I am.

At all times, I am thankful for the lessons learned, the friendships formed, the knowledge and experience of being downright hopeless and gaining courage to rise to a better day.