flying

I was flying again this week. For the past couple years, for some odd reason, I have become such a nervous wreck when I fly. I have vowed to practice my yoga breathing, having gone to one such class the night before. Being that the flight was to White Plains, NY made my anxiety even worse with chances that it would be a small jet, and sure enough. One of those where if you put both your arms straight out you could touch each window. I haven't flown in one of these since college and I surely don't remember it being this small. From my recent experience, the smaller the jets, the crazier the turbulence, or do I just make this up in my head? I had bought the "Essence Magazine". What better way to occupy my time than to read about Michelle Obama and her mom who are on the front cover? No it didn't work, my stomach 'dropped' during takeoff and I nervously clutched the armrest while pretending that I was perfectly ok. I kept reading nonetheless.

Once we were way up, I kept thinking about what I would do if something went wrong with the plane. Of all things to think about! Either my head is playing games or I'm playing games with myself. I checked the nearby exit again, had paid attention to the emergency exit instructions. I started to think about my son, thinking this is why people make wills, because I don't want any of my money to go to the government, then I started to think about my faith and wondering if I was losing the point of all of this. The reality is that I am a control freak and up here I feel totally powerless. But it may just be that I'm unwilling to surrender, not just when I fly but to the things in my life, to give them to God because that is all I can do.

I moved into my plan of action which was to take deep breaths. It worked for sometime because my stomach stopped tightening. I started to read my book and everything seemed normal for the most part of the journey until the last 20 or so minutes of descent. We were flying over a body of water and for some reason the ride became extra 'bumpy'. I could swear the pilot was having a bit of fun because this jet was tilting from side to side and all the calm went out the window..or somewhere in the the plane far from me because I started to tighten up again and think too much ...."What were those passengers who landed on the Hudson thinking as the pilot told them that they would be going down? Would be ok to take my purse with me in an evacuation? Bizarre I know, but replacing all those items in there...lets start with the Drivers License...DMV hello? Who wants to go there. Damn it, I should have only carried one credit card and not three. Thank God I did not carry my Green Card, because that would be the biggest pain.My glasses, I love those rims and don't want to have to pick out another design. My toiletries are so special, don't want to replace those. I think I can get away with carrying my phone. But then again it would give me an excuse to get that blackberry. How could I forget, I would absolutely positively have to carry my keys. I have my whole set of keys including the only key to my car. Yes, I would only carry my purse. I would have to leave the carry on. My favorite pair of shoes in there. Oh gosh, I'm so vain!" Yes for a split second I thought all that and amused myself somewhat. I prayed again. This time I confessed my anxiety as hinderance to my faith and realized that this is not something I only do up in the air, but some habit bourne out of desperately trying to control my situation, career, parenting, love life. I really prayed that God would help me identify these situations when they arise, to nip it in the bud, not letting it spiral into some tornado.

The flight back followed the same scenario somewhat but even more turbulent so I prayed, read and tried to sleep. I really needed to use the bathroom in the last stretch of the flight and it happened to be when it became most turbulent and the seat-belt sign came on. I figured I would dash in real quick to the stall. It was a total balancing act in the bathroom and kind of funny when I stopped thinking that I was in a plane. It was like being on those kid bounce things where you get thrown side to side. For some reason thinking about it this way, and actually laughing it out eliminated my anxiety...totally. I balanced back to my seat and we landed safe and sound. I hope I'm 'cured' but I won't know until next time.

This weekend was a reminder of how fragile and short life is. To live to the fullest, love to the fullest while we can.

I lost my aunt this past weekend. But she was more than just my aunt, she was the mother of all, being married to the oldest sibling from my dad's side of the family. Even though I never spent much time taking or listening to her in my growing up years, I surprisingly had more of a connection in the last 10 years when I have been away from home. She was supportive of my decision to end my marriage, which came as a surprise to me, because she listened to me, asked for my opinions and then let me know that everything was going to be ok. That was four years ago. I saw her last in December during her son's wedding. She had been so busy planning I barely got time to visit with her. I had plans work with her when I finally return home, in the health clinic that they started, but I never mentioned it. I will remember her as a strong woman who held her family together despite many obstacles. They were married 50 years.

I didn't cry because for some reason I couldn't. Later in the day my sister sent me a text saying that my parents and brother had been involved in an accident. From her words I could tell she was trying to keep it calm so I do not panic. It worked for a couple of hours, again in denial mode. During bedtime, I told my son that we would pray for my brother because he had been injured in an accident. He surprised me by busting into tears that his uncle was hurt. He is only 6 and I felt bad that maybe I hadn't communicated it in child-appropriated language.

That is when it hit me and I cried. I hadn't cried in a long time so I cried all the tears from missing my parents, to being overwhelmed with work and now school to the anxiety from what I did not know. I called home and my mother assured me that God had been all that in that accident. No one was hurt except for my brother who injured his nose but was treated and discharged. Considering it was a head on collision, God is great.

Thank you God for reminding me of your grace, power, love in this difficult moment.

Days like these..

I miss home and that is an understatement. There are many times in my stay far away when it hurts at how far I am. Days like today I just want someone else to take over. I don't want to be it anymore, I would just like someone else to make the decisions, worry about my son's school, health, someone else to worry about my car, my school. Some days like these I don't want to be grown up. I wish I could pack up all my shit and move into my parents home for a couple months and not have to think literally.
I'm not depressed, I've been there, maybe lonely and a bit overwhelmed by my life. This is a paradox because my life is going relatively well. I've just been accepted into my master's program, got financial aid, my son is in a great school, I have a man who loves and supports me. Then there is the everyday stuff, like my car maintenance light comes on and I know I need to make an appointment to get it checked, and I worry it might be more than an oil change. My son has a cavity and needs it filled and I have to find a good pediatric dentist and decide the appropriate meds during the procedure, nitrous oxide, local anesthesia, not to mention the cost, argh, it hurts my head thinking about it. Then there is school, which I'm excited about but I have to pick classes, decide how many to take, go for orientation...How about the upcoming springbreak, what are we going to do to make it fun? I wanted to travel but tickets are too dang expensive. Some days I wish I didn't have so many decisions resting on me, I need a way to outsource...lol. Maybe I just a good cup of tea and mandazi and life will be good again with lots of company, with my family..oh I miss them.

Happy New Year to me!

I cannot believe it's already end of January. I haven't blogged about my life, I guess it's easier to write when things are going wrong? I have had so many things going on in my head that I want to put down..my life has been so awesome, so blessed that I'm overwhelmed.

After being so anxious about not being able to go home for Christmas, it happened, God is soo good. I didn't have the money for it in August and I was depressed but God had it planned and it happened.

I loved loved every waking moment I spent at home. My parents, two brothers and sister were home on almost daily basis and I basked in that space, I felt so safe, so content. I was content on waking up to the sun, eating and having just regular conversation. So long as the people I loved were around me, I was fine. Did I say I love being home, life is so carefree, something that my son discovered. He could walk to the neighbor's house unattended, play for a while, walk to my aunts house, take a walk with his uncle. He was no longer solely dependent on me. He had a family, literally a village to spend time with. Sometimes I wonder if I missed this...the opportunity to give him that simplicity of life. I think about it often, but then that might have meant being away from him. I don't know. I know he loved it there and cried hard when we had to leave. Now it's just me and him and sometimes we get tired of each other.

My siblings have matured, they have lives of their own, they are such good 'kids' and I'm so proud of them. I wish I could see them everyday, really. My parents still the same, I may disagree with them on some issues but I love then dearly. They are loving, compassionate and spend a great deal of time and money helping other people. I love that about them.

I'm back to work, I really like this place, it really is very nurturing and I work with some phenomenal people. My bosses are great. When I work, I give it 110% like it's my business. I think that is how it should be.I'm in a great relationship, I feel more than I even want to reveal to myself.

I threw my son a great bowling party, he turned 6. My friends spoiled him rotten. He knows he's loved.

I'm blessed, so blessed I could write a book about it. I'm grateful and I'm looking for ways to pass it forward.

the holidays are not scary this year...

I have so much to be thankful for and not in a cliche type of way..in a its a miracle, unbelievable type of way. Two years from the date I was so hopeless, I sat in my house on thanksgiving day and cried. Last year, I ventured out feeling hopeful and this year, I have no words. I have an abundance of peace, love, friends and resources. Sometimes I wonder why God just lets us stay struggling when he is capable of doing. But in retrospect, that is what it took to let me know how much he is capable. I was down and under and he has lifted me up. If I wasn't at the bottom, I would not appreciate what it feels like to be right here. My God has done his thing. I get to see my family in less than two weeks and I am beside myself because I miss them so much. Sure there are lots of things I could worry about, I'm taking lots of unpaid time in this economy, the school has threatened that my son is taking too much time off. Seriously, for a smart kid in Kindergarten and that ish about being away for 2 wks. I digress for this just irks me. See my God worked out all the details so I will not let some nonsense distract me from this happy moment. He provided the finances, the time, the accomodating work schedule, accomodating legal matters, it was like a jigsaw puzzle that had to come together at exactly the right time. So I'm praying, believing and basking in the goodness of him.

Who am I?

I was raised in a conservative christian home.
I'm the oldest of four.
I wanted to be a doctor and got good grades to get there.
I then realized it was more my parent's dream.
My dream is to make a difference in people's health.
I'm yet to start my degree to accomplish that.
It will take two years.
I love my job now.
I have been married.
I am divorced.
I survived domestic abuse.
I am a mom.
I love it.
I hate that I'm so far from my family.
I don't like the cold.
I love being with people.
I like to dance.
I am a Christian.
I surrender to no one but God.
I have a strong dislike for people who use Christianity/Religion for selfish reasons;political, ethical etc.
I can't stand phony people.
I supported Obama.
I believe in love.
I fight for justice.
I wish we would all just get along.
I have more questions sometimes than I do answers.
I love spending time with friends.
I like cooking.
I am an organic food freak.
I spend too much on food.
I would like to exercise more.
I want to run a marathon.
I would like to read more.
I like fashion.
I don't believe in spending a lot of money to look good.
I am a minimalist.
I would like to be a designer.
I would like to be a DJ
I love music.
I am shy.
I am bold.
I live.
I laugh.
I dream.
I believe.
I conquer.
I am set free above all and that is enough.

You've got to pray............

If there is one positive thing about the madness that sometimes exists in my life, its that it keeps me praying. Because most days that is ALL I can do...PRAY. I have to say it works and it's less stressful. One year post divorce and I'm finally cutting the final cord, the jointly owned car has now been refinanced at a 1% lower interest rate than I'm currently paying. Some things you just know when God has a hand it in like this one.

I have a new job, quiting my old one after only a year because I was miserable. I believe you can work and be happy so despite the grim economy, my God provided.

I'm truly blessed. I'm happy. I'm surrounded by many wonderful friends who constantly remind me that there is more to life. I get sad though, more than ever nowadays because I miss my family. There have been many days this year when all I have wanted is to just sit and talk to my mom or get a hug from her, hang out with my siblings and enjoy being grown up and watch my dad playing with my son...all that priceless. I think I have to put prayer if full gear because by faith I'm going home for Christmas! Yes, I'm affirming it because I know my God is able.

My prayer now is to be a good mom, find some balance as my son goes through Kindergarten, some patience because God knows they can kill you with all that homework they give. Giving advice to a 5 year old is like talking to a brick wall because they seriously think they are grown up and can figure it out...lol.

Thank you Lord, I made it.