dear fourth grade, be nice

On the fourth day of school, I asked my lil man how things were going.  I was expecting some positives seeing as we have a nice teacher, no homework. “School is not fulfilling anymore…” Hmm, that caught me off-guard wondering whether to first clarify the meaning of ‘fulfilling’ or ask why it wasn’t.  “They just keep coming up with rules. First It was the STAR position, now we have to tuck in our shirts including gym shirts….”. The STAR position is some acronym for sitting upright and tracking the teacher and I clearly don’t remember what it stands for. My son demonstrated it with shoulders held unnaturally high and straight neck; I could see why he wasn’t surviving the day. I asked him to relax his shoulders a bit.  I agree, it is becoming a bit ‘military’, I mean untucked shirt has nothing to do with learning eh? He’s lucky he wasn’t around when I was growing up-, unpolished shoes (yikes), slightly unkempt nails, hair that was not in place, uniform that wasn’t pressed crisp among a myriad of other unrelated issues could earn you a proper punishment.  We all thought it was part of school life. I don’t know how much good that did, I hate ironing, don’t ever polish my shoes, the only school approved hair style in my day(cornrows) puts me in anxiety,  I do my nails real nice though.

How do you keep a fourth-grade boy motivated?  This morning, he was excited that he had Gym and since it had rained all night, the default outdoor activity would be kickball due to a flooded playground. “I’m glad it rained because I have my good shoes on for kickball”. See, on a regular day when there is no Gym and it rains, his dress-up shoes are not conducive to a good kickball session. My son lives for recess. It’s a phase right? I mean he gets good grades; I guess that is more than I can ask for. 

When asked what in math he finds difficult, he said “nothing” (initially) and that he doesn’t really know what he hopes to learn this year. After mini-session on ‘we all have things we could polish up on’, the answer changed to fractions, but he was adamant that he didn’t find any math difficult, just did not find anything fun about it. I beg to differ remembering countless homework wrangles that we had last year-undermining my traditional learning methods, counting beans and what not over some new era rounding off methods. If this boy did not learn any more math moving forward he would be ok with life. I guess that is why I’m the parent and he is the kid. I don’t remember having ideas about school or otherwise but I was scared cold of becoming a farm hand-because that’s what you became around my parts if school came in one ear and out the other.  There were no options to school and doing well in school. You knew better than answer that recess is your favorite part of the day, there was a right answer to that question, no need putting your opinion or dreams in the path of your future.  So I’m trying to be a parent of the future without veering too far off the more trodden path, balancing opinions and necessity. Lord help me.

The word..grow up!

God has really been blessing and speaking into my life in the midst of all the craziness. I'm so grateful for all the trials he has brought my way so that I can grow into the person he wants me to be. Yesterday's sermon notes on "A mature mind":

Mature mind
A mature mind means to be fully developed in spiritual character and emotion.
God will make it clear where there is error in your ways and spiritual thinking.

Philippians 3
Take away :When I can't forget, I can't focus.
Christians need two core practices:

Forget and Focus

Forget:

God doesn't remember our sin after we ask for forgiveness. To forget is to lack concern for-enables healing. Must forget the hurtful, immoral, distressful, and boastful things.

Hurtful

Mature mind rejects the temptation to be obsessed with pain. Let it go. Be willing to let someone else's sin under the blood of Christ. If we refuse to forgive we become defined by our past. Root of bitterness defiles- like pickle glass always spills into whatever comes in touch with, no matter how good. Accept the lords dealing, he says ‘vengeance is mine’.
Immoral
Mature mind stops allowing the devil to diminish the power of the blood. If you are living in sin, bring under the blood, bring it to light. He forgives completely- let go of shame and guilt.
Distressful
Mature mind resists the control of the traumatic. Past events.
Boastful (Victories that make us boastful)

Mature mind rejects allowing our resume to be our downfall. The only one we should cheer for is Jesus. Must deny yourself and follow Christ.

Focus:

1.      Sober mind 1 Pet 4:7-life is not all about enjoying. Used to think like a child...now you are grown. All things are permissible, not everything is beneficial. 1 Pet 4:7- “The end of all things is near. Therefore be alert and of sober mind so that you may pray.”

2.      Set mind -Mature Christian, it's not about you, there is an upward call. God gets to choose. Col 3:1- “Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God.”

When you can’t forget, you can’t focus, let it go and focus on what God has for you.

pondering true love

I write a lot when I’m down, but today I thought I would write when I’m up. I recently messed up big time. Something that I had done followed me and was attacking my inner peace. Even after writing the previous post about accepting freedom and leaving guilt behind, I was feeling pretty down. But I prayed consistently putting all my worries, anger….laying them all out to God because I know he is the only one who can give peace. 

I am a witness that God is faithful and his grace is sufficient for whatever step of life we are in. I am just beginning to peel the layers of understanding how truly loved I am. God cannot do any more for me than what is already done. He paid the ultimate sacrifice. God could not love me any more than he does right now. He doesn’t love me less when I’m straying, and he doesn’t love me more when I’m being “good”. 

When we meditate on his word, he reveals himself to us. I think it is because we are still and waiting upon him. I recently joined this inductive Bible study. Even though I just met these fellow believers, whenever we study the word of God and dig deeper not only I’m I encouraged, I have realized how “sweet” the Word of God is for lack of a better word. The book of John showing Jesus’ life just leaves me speechless at how amazingly cool Jesus was. But above all, full of grace, wisdom, holiness and really focused on fulfilling his mission on earth based on God’s love for us. 

God is love. Accept that, ponder on it, apply it.

Ephesians 3:16-19

I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.

Transition: spiritual freedom

The spiritual transition has been hard to write on and I have had to stop, contemplate  and start again. In the last couple of years I have been ‘feeling’  that something wasn’t right. The comfort of life just wasn’t so appealing anymore even when ‘all things’ were going right. Roughly five years ago I was in a tight spot, my life was a mess, I was starting my life over and I had no one to hang onto but Jesus. I remember crying out to him and making promises and thinking how much I wanted to be obedient to him. God restored me, he restored my hope and vision for a bright future. Well apparently human beings suffer from great amnesia when it comes to what God has done for us and I’m no exception. Life got comfortable. The more comfortable I got, the less reliant on God I became.  Peace out God.

Prayers and bible reading more or less happened in church and when I felt guilty at home-which wasn’t that often. I was a good person, obeying most of the laws. If I had been reading my bible, I would know that Jesus rebuked the Pharisees for keeping the laws and not understanding truth. There is nothing wrong with being comfortable, but as Christians, stagnation can signal a much deeper problem.

True relationship with Jesus calls us to mature and keep growing, abounding in love, active in our faith, being filled with the spirit (Phillipians 1:9, Philemon1:6, Col 1:9 etc). 

I wasn’t doing much growing. Slowly my spiritual cistern was draining and I was struggling to keep up with everything.  People in church seem almost too perfect with no (spiritual) problems and certainly from the outside it didn’t seem like I should have any issues. Just like a car in neutral gear, I trudged along. My friend wikipedia states that the neutral gear "disengages all gear trains within the transmission, effectively disconnecting the transmission from the driven roadwheels, so the vehicle is able to move freely under its own weight and gain momentum without the motive force from the engine." Wow, that perfectly describes me in this situation, disengaging from my very source of strength and allowing my own strength to move me. No wonder I haven't been getting far! It seemed to work perfectly for a while, but what good is it if a car is disengaged from the engine? 

I seriously started(and continue) seeking God and I figured that a weekly prayer meeting might be the start. It’s amazing that when we seek God and open ourselves up to him, he hears us.  Jeremiah 29:12 says “Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you”,  and continues in Jeremiah 33:3 “Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know.” God has been showing me things, things in me that I need to root out, showing me that I need to be in his presence daily if I’m to win this spiritual battle. To surrender.(yikes).

 Surrendering is the hardest thing to do for this independent minded-woman.

I started this post a week ago and while contemplating my thoughts, the pastor spoke about the freedom we should experience when we come to Christ. The Christian walk should be the most burden-free, since Jesus already paid for our shame and guilt and purchased our freedom.  When I come to Jesus, I can be assured that all my ugliness is lifted.

This is such a relief, because I have been examining myself and have been so distraught at my humanness, my imperfections; being angry, judging others, not doing for others, impatience, bitterness, conduct that I know would shame Jesus for the PRICE he paid for me.  I have questioned myself, my faith, my life-everything. Even with this knowledge, I have not kept the discipline and have done things I do not want to do; in short, I’m continually frustrated by myself. Sigh. How could I ever overcome ME and be the godly woman I desire and fulfill God’s will for my life?

We can all relate to this type of brokenness , we cannot relate to perfection that is sometimes expected of believers. It is humbling to know that God used people who were not perfect to fulfill his promises. Noah, Moses, David, Apostle Paul just to name a few did horrendous things BUT most importantly, they surrendered their lives to God’s grace.  I can attest that sin is strong and temptations are plenty, BUT our God has always been and continues to be greater.   I heard a preacher on radio state that as Christians we never graduate to the point where we are above grace. How true! We need God’s grace continuously if we are to abide in this freedom.

I don’t have to walk around feeling guilty and burdened.  I need to seek him and the accept the grace he offers and grow in my experience of him so that I don't take this grace lightly.  I’m committed to be in this journey of studying and understanding the word of God, waiting in expectancy as God shows me “great and unsearchable things I do not know”.

John 8:32: “If you hold to my teaching, you are really my disciples.  Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”

Transition tale 1

First it was the hair. Before the hair went kinky, I had to have a mental transition about what it means to have kinky curly hair in a world where it isn’t mainstream. And a mental transition it was. I held onto my long, straight strands for as long as I could, vowing to keep my hair  long while attempting to gradually eliminate the permanently straightened ends. 

At first, I had some rational fear of going short-haired. Being petite, I might look like a boy, or look even younger. Believe me, when you are a mom and constantly have to explain HOW you have a son who appears more like your brother, it is not a complement!  I have to be conscious about how I dress or look especially in formal and work situations to be taken seriously. Short hair does not fall in the category of enhancing this image and it terrified me. Then there was the irrational fear. Curly hair would invite all sought of strange and blank stares. It would also invite judgment and I’ll go so far as to say pity. See some look at my “unkempt” hair as a sign of a lack of resources to make it “straight”.

That is why there had to be a mental transition first. Confidence. I had to let go of fears, preconceived notions, and judgments from myself and others. Most importantly, I had to invite in their place affirmative messages, cultivating inner strength, acceptance of the beauty of kinky curly hair despite what society labels it. The funny thing is I have always secretly loved big afro, kinky and curly hair. My mom has lovely natural hair which she puts to the scissors to at whim and it grows back. I just thought it was for others and not something that I could ever pull it off. Pause at that thought: “I cannot pull off hair that I was born with”.  Hmm. Thank God that the natural hair community is emerging strongly.  Positive messages are out there if you seek them and if you don’t seek them they are still there, within yourself.  I gathered a lot of information about my hair. A LOT.

I loved feeling my thick curly strands take over my head in place of the scraggly straightened ones. I wore hair styles that promoted the curly and most often tucked the straight ends in. 11 months of trying to fight my two textures into submission, I was done. On a Friday after work I walked into a salon. I had plenty of time to think about this life-changing decision as it was the weekend before mother’s day and apparently there were many heads before mine. However, the stylist is a natural hair enthusiast was God-sent. She was just as excited as I was about this moment.  I didn’t freak out. I took pictures of my falling strands as she took scissors to them. I saved a sample, not sure what I intended to do with it (funeral ?..). No I’m not that crazy and I don’t even remember where I put it after that, probably because I was so ecstatic! After all my hair was done, I had the loveliest 4 inches of great hair. The first thought that came to my head was, Why in the world did I wait so long to do this? I was so happy and content. 

Post day of cut, it’s been amazing. I look in the mirror and in amazement jump up and down (don’t judge me) thinking how much I love being short curly or sometimes fro’d woman!  You can’t tell me n’thin! Funny, I feel more confident now that I did before. Most have loved it, some have called me crazy (literally), but I love it. Shocking how, now that I’m natural, I’m meeting all these other natural heads EVERYWHERE, church, bible study, work, grocery store. I’ve even had requests from other curly haired girls asking how they could get their hair to be like mine, or what do I do, where, how.. My hair is my hair. I can’t compare it to anyone else’s. Most of the time I just wash wear and it’s alright. I’m truly not my hair but most importantly I have learned to overcome the self-imposed limits and the apprehension over what anyone else may say. It truly is freeing.

Sometimes I wonder if God does customize his approach to us meeting us where we are. This hair transition was in a lot of ways a leap of faith. I feel like God is asking me to do the same thing in my spiritual life, that he is ready to take me to the next level but I have been so comfortable. Maybe I have just be trying to blend in as a Christian, I don't want to be judged or get blank stares when I take it to the next level for God. Jesus was not an exhibitionist but he did what he was called to do, he did not get comfortable with the temporary, he got busy and was on the move for his people even when he faced difficulties, criticism and even death. That will be tale 2, the spiritual transition.

Lost Soul

Where are the days filled with laughter?

Days of excitement and serenity

Moments when our dreams we chased after

Moments when we counted our future children

Moments of hope

Now seem fleeting

Where are the days filled with joy?

Days of praying and rejoicing

Moments of certainty

Moments when we knew God was our all

Moments of faith

Now in its place emptiness

Where are the days filled with passion?

Days of kisses and warm embrace

Moments when we cried together

Moments when our hearts beat as one

Moments of love

Now just a fading memory

Where does the hurting soul search?

Where does a lost soul find rest?

In moments of wanting

In moments when no one else can satisfy

Will faith, hope and love dare occupy

This lost soul once more?

even for little things

Our God whom we serve is so good, so wonderful so amazing. He cares so much, in Matthew 6:30 it says that he cares so much even about grass in the field that seems so useless. How much more does he care about us, his children? Yet this morning I woke up worrying, the exact opposite of what my father has instructed. I have had a cloud hanging over me on this issue and finally I was giving up today because things were not going my way. I woke up thinking, yes, I have a solution. Just let this thing go. I had this weekend trip planned with friends and friends of my lil man once school is out. Now this is usually easy for some, but for co-parenting, scheduling can be a nightmare. It turns out, school is out the weekend of fathers’ day and to be fair I figured the day of should be left to father and son. So I planned that we would leave early Friday, come back late Saturday in time for father’s day on Sunday.  My plan was perfect, until I spoke to the other party. No- they had plans for the entire weekend! I even offered to come back early Saturday but there were more NOs,  more arguing and I was completely distressed. So I went into plan B that I would travel alone without K.  It was going to be alright, but today I knew if he wasn’t going, I wasn’t going. I woke up today wrestling with that, how to explain to my friends that I was pulling out. I was thinking if it would be good to still pay up my $200 part of the balance. Ugh. It was all stressing me out. If I didn’t go, then I needed to come up with a great plan for that weekend ASAP or else I would be depressed. 

God had a surprise for me this morning. All along he was attentive to my stress. I got a call from the X saying, “I think you should all take this trip, take your time coming back on Sunday”.

Did I just hear him say what he just said? I was trying to hold it together because I felt like God was playing jokes. I knew without a shadow of a doubt, God was solving this problem for me. Without a shadow of a doubt. Doing the impossible, working miracles using the most unlikely source. I’m in awe of God and what he can do! I’m so humbled, that God allowed me in this moment to experience his goodness and to teach me that we walk by faith not by sight. This person is a thorn in my side, yet what the devil meant for evil, God has over and over again turned it around and used it for good. I thank you Lord for this moment of teaching and helping me see how much you care even about the little details.

 Matthew 6:25-33

"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes?

Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?" And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith?” 

So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 

But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.