forgiveness...

..this is what I’m pondering. I have been a Christian all my life, so this should come as a no-brainer. Isn’t that the essence of the Christian faith, that God forgave so we should forgive? All those years of my head buried in the Bible and I’m having a hard time wrapping my head around this concept.

Part I of this is forgiving someone else. I find this easy most of the times because I don’t like conflict and I’ve realized that it’s necessary to move on. I have realized that forgetting is another deal altogether. I honestly think that only God can do this. In fact I think it’s healthy to keep a keep a gentle reminder of where we have been so we don’t get caught up in the same mess.

Part II is forgiving myself. This is what I’m having such a hard time with. My goal is to try to be lenient on myself and I have that concept in my head. But when things start going horribly wrong I have the tendency to trace it all the way back to some dumb or naïve mistake I made before. How do you admit to yourself that you have failed and having to live with the circumstances caused by your decision? On the other hand I wouldn’t change who I am now as a result of the lessons I have learnt along the way. So I’m caught in a paradox. Maybe when this wave of craziness passes I shall be able to look back and just be happy. Gosh haven’t I learnt anything from Oprah? Maybe it will all come together when I’m 50…and a billionare. I guess I have to accept that I was not all that I thought I was (ouch), and that even though I should have known better, I didn’t. Now let me get going on that billion.